Ain't No (Nor Has There Ever Been Any) Stigma Here!

You can't help but notice the Samson Society ghosts.  This is especially true during the Samson Summits (annual retreats).  It's always jarring to me.  Some of these MIA were absolutely on the forefront of promoting / carrying the recovery torch forward via their greater participation (especially considering their commitment to attend the Summits).  In essence, they were the kind of guys that would easily have been considered standouts, and as such, none of them seemed at all bothered by their inclusion into this community.

And then they weren't included.  At least within Samson Society (perhaps they went elsewhere).

It's sobering.  Especially for someone who's been involved since August 2014, observing this ministry grow / become / mature ever since.  Men are constantly moving in & out, in & out.

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Here in MS, so few Samson men dare step out from their in-person meeting (as opposed to the virtual), therefore I'm of the opinion that this fluidic reality (simply due to nil exposure to the community-at-large) takes longer to take hold.  But give it enough time, and I believe it absolutely will.  And when it does, it begs the question-

Therefore, what exactly drives the temporariness then of (admitting to) belonging to this community?

Stigma, of course.

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One of Satan's greatest tools is stigma.  So, what is it?  

It's a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation.

I first witnessed this with my initial Silee, a disgraced music minister (he & I connected formally just a few months after I first stepped foot into Mr. Don Waller's in-person Samson meeting).  This young man was so very handsome, gifted as a crooner / having catered to the rich, white Christians within his small-town MS protestant church.  Until he was exposed / cast out in hopes of salvaging the reputation of his former employer.

Every meeting for this stud was marked with unavoidable stigma.  Every.  Meeting.  And that was understandable to a certain degree.

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So, what about Rob?  Where's his stigma?

I'm not exactly sure how to answer that question, but I believe it's been eradicated by two truths:

1.  I love / benefit tremendously via marinating within the authentic company of Christian (or otherwise) men.

2.  I love to serve men, especially distraught, needful men who desire a listening ear / open mind.

This means I'm a long-termer here within this community.  So, what does that look like exactly?

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I host a Samson Society newcomers meeting + a standard format Samson meeting every week.  These meetings buttress my weekends, and as such do me a great service in light of my weekends being particular opportunistic (to do stupid).  I also pay fairly close attention to the Samson Community Chat section of the "Samson Community" app that's available via the iOS & Android app stores.  

If you look at Samson Society resume, it's extensive.  Nonetheless, this doesn't make me languish or even feel, in the slightest, that I'm a loser / defective.  I truly see this community as my buried treasure that required me to then buy the field where the treasure resided.  

It's like the space I've always been looking for.

A close second therein is the gym.  Strength training sessions - week after week after week - also readily fill a massive need within my life.

Raw, authentic Christian masculinity is the flame.  I'm the moth.  

  

As Far As I'm Concerned, Your Wife Can Go Jump Off A Cliff / Peers Not Apply

If you're going to befriend, truly befriend a brother in Christ, and you yourself are married (or even if you're not), it's expected that his wife, fairly quickly, becomes part of the befriending process.  For her opinion of you will play some, if not a whole lot of semblance of a role in not only his availability to you going forward but his outlook towards you.  And this is how it should be.  Husbands / wives are one flesh.  What good would a spouse be otherwise?

At the very tail end of a Silee relationship many years ago, I had a young friend disclose - in so many words - that it was his wife who'd "opened his eyes" to the "toxicity of our relationship".  Ouch.  And all of this ultimately grew out of him vehemently disagreeing with me regarding his mental health.  This clearly demonstrated to Rob two things:

-  Younger men elevating me into a position of authority only ushers in relational complicatedness.

-  Me divulging my sexual identity issues immediately put me into a position of suspect / mistrust (especially with certain wives).

These are the two biggest obstacles I face as it pertains to building / maintaining friendships within this community of men.  As such, I've learned to coach younger friends to NOT see me as some sort of mentor, for Pete's sake (which is completely antithetical to Samson Society as a whole).  Regarding the latter, I believe most wives who're eventual to make relational conclusions (involving my sexuality as they believe to understand it) are likely either lacking confidence in themselves / their man / their marriage or just perhaps they're just plain mean.

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So, what to do when it becomes readily apparent that your friend isn't equally yoked?  In other words, she's not in agreement with him regarding priorities, less mature, and so forth?

Or what if she's a ticking time bomb or ridiculously negligent (health, finances, etc.)?

That's the main point / question asked within / of this post.

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Of the two of us (I'm referring to my own marriage), I'm the social butterfly.  Never in the 30 years pasts has Angie volunteered ideas related to being social with other couples.  And I believe this is simply due to the fact that she's well aware I'm going to take that lead (for which I'm grateful she allows me to do).  

As such, we've ushered in what feels like hundreds of couples / families into our home / out to eat that were newbies at our church.  

Why?

Our church, overall, isn't the friendliest (we're staunch Presbyterians).

Angie and I both know what's it's like to be left out / feel isolated.

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There are times when I'm FAR MORE MOTIVATED to put my hospitality hat on, and mostly that's tied to me being attracted to the guy.  It's inevitable.

And when I say attracted, I'm not referring exclusively to the physical.  I'm equally referring to personality as well.

As such, assholes, for the most part, I've now learned / been motivated to steer clear of, but I've had to learn this lesson the hard way.  

So, what to do when - over time - it becomes readily apparent that despite the fact that I'm 100% onboard with nurturing a friendship with the guy, the asymmetry within his marriage becomes more & more responsible for keeping him from doing the same?  And I'm referring to an asymmetry that's a drag to not only his marriage but the children who've been brought into his family.  

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And then there's the history (particularly the traumatic / shameful) of the friend that may or may not be known.  Particularly as it pertains to his own upbringing / familial history.  That can be deeply influential (his outlook / expectations on marriage), but me not having access therein, puts blinders on my own point of view.  

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In conclusion, most men aren't like Rob.  Seeking out fresh friendship is hard, risky and fraught with the unpredictable.  And this is especially true when wives / children are involved.  The typical middle-aged man is happy to lean into his wife's friends' husbands, his colleagues at work, fellow deacons within the church, siblings, etc.  Anything to not have to take the risk / expend the energy towards fostering a new friendship.  

Are any of these true friends?  No.  They're peers.

What good, ultimately, is a fucking peer?

And that's the answer to my post.

The Loser Husband

The Loser Husband is the one who's truly "married up".  We joke about that, but you know what I'm referring to.  Think seriously misbalanced asymmetry (taking Biblical complementarian teachings into consideration).  

In the past, I believe the Loser Husband was much more the norm.  He existed because our culture provided opportunistically for his existence.  

And this was simply due to how expected / necessary (to survive / thrive) it was for women to marry / have children.  But that's not the case anymore.  Women, these days, are overall better educated, more tech savvy, physically healthier, and on and on.  Hence, they're allowed to be much more cautious about choosing a husband in light of settling for a Loser.

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So, what is a Loser Husband exactly?   

They're husbands who refuse to lead their families, and I have found that they do this mostly via a distinctly passive approach.  In other words, most of them attempt to dress for the part of headship, but underneath, their wife is simply another manifestation of their momma (real or imagined).  Based on my observations, this husband "type" is typically highly intelligent / articulate, and therefore well aware of this preferential mother / son setup / dynamic between himself & his wife.  Think of them as very savvy boymen.

As such, assuming she's an emotionally, spiritually healthy Christian wife, this woman is saddled with responsibility that should be considered unnecessarily burdensome due to the fact that she's privy to her own image-bearer limitations as a female.  Plus, it's simply embarrassing leading around / serving up to their boyman.    

It's a bad situation (unnecessarily burdensome) for her and for her children.  Much worse, I would argue, than dealing with a husband who's made poor choices as it pertains to sexual sin (porn use, infidelity) and is deeply remorseful & therefore willing to get therapeutic help.  

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This topic is top of mind for me today because Angie and I have a few friends who're wives of Loser Husbands, and we're praying / hoping their situation will someday improve.  And these women ARE NOT pleased with their situations, yet this truth isn't public (though readily apparent to those within her orbit).

In closing, there are marriages where the wife prefers this upside-down scenario.  I find that most of those women are mentally ill.  We're seeing less & less of this setup though due to the fact that mental illness is being diagnosed / treated so much more readily than in previous generations.

Please pray for our female friends and their marriages. 

Looking Ahead with Gratitude and Hope

 

That's A Wrap!

Honoring the Year Behind Us and the Community We Share

As this year comes to a close, we want to pause and speak to you not as a program or an organization, but as fellow humans who know how hard it can be to keep showing up, especially when the work is internal. For many, this year held progress that others may never see. Moments of honesty. Choosing connection instead of isolation. Naming pain instead of numbing it. For others, this year may feel marked by setbacks, exhaustion, or the quiet disappointment of goals unmet. We want to say this clearly: wherever you find yourself today makes sense. Healing is not linear, and growth is not measured by perfection. If you stayed when it would have been easier to disappear, that matters. If you returned after a lapse, that matters. If you listened when you weren’t ready to speak, that matters. If all you did was survive this year, that matters too. Trauma teaches us to brace, to hide, to believe we are alone in our struggle. Community gently reminds us otherwise. The Samson Society exists not because anyone here has it all figured out, but because we believe healing happens in honest, compassionate connection—over time, and at a human pace. As we reflect on the year behind us, we also want to acknowledge the generosity that sustains this work. Because of the faithfulness of donors so far, we are grateful to share that we have been able to retain Aaron Porter as Director of Operations for Samson House in a full-time role. Your generosity helps create the kind of steady foundation where healing communities can continue to grow. If you are in a place where end-of-year giving feels possible, we invite you to consider supporting this work. Giving is never an obligation here—many of you know seasons of scarcity all too well—but for those who are able, your contribution is a tangible way of extending the circle of support to others who are still finding their footing. Every gift, large or small, helps ensure that this community remains accessible, grounded, and human. Donate As we step into a new year, there is no requirement to “do better,” try harder, or become someone else. There is only an invitation: to keep practicing honesty, to stay curious about your story, and to allow support where it’s offered. You are not behind. You are not broken. And you are not doing this alone. Thank you for your courage, your presence, and your willingness to keep engaging in the work—however imperfectly it may look. We are honored to walk alongside you The Samson House Team

Your Financial Support Makes All of This Possible

Thanks to the generosity of donors, Aaron Porter will continue full-time as Director of Operations for Samson House.

Save the Date for the 2026 Samson Summit

October 23-25, 2026 In Grass Lake, Michigan. Payment Plans Available LEARN MORE

Wishing You A Happy New Year!

Recommended Reading

Marriage Survival After Betrayal | Desiring God

Recommended Readings

Discouraged by Your Sin? Here’s Hope.

Are Young Men Being Drawn to Christ or Christian Culture?

Happy Thanksgiving 2025!

The Gift of Gratitude Dear Brothers, As we celebrate Thanksgiving, we want to take a moment to acknowledge something powerful: the gift of gratitude. Recovery is not an easy journey. Each day we confront behaviors that once offered comfort but ultimately cause harm. And yet, even in this challenge, there is something to be thankful for: our ability to choose differently, to grow, and to connect with others who understand our struggles. Gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring the pain or pretending the journey is easy. Instead, it’s a conscious choice to recognize the progress we’ve made, the support we’ve received, and the hope that exists even in small victories. Each step toward awareness, each moment of restraint, and each act of courage is worthy of acknowledgment. This Thanksgiving, we encourage us all to pause and reflect on the things we can be grateful for—our resilience, our commitment to growth, and the men walking this path beside us. Let gratitude be a fuel, not just for the holiday, but for the daily work of recovery. May this season remind all of us that even in the midst of struggle, there is hope, there is connection, and there is progress.

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