"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."
I was listening to the Pirate Monk podcast today with special guest John Eldredge. There were many things discussed that struck a nerve with me, but in lieu of writing about them all, one statement hit me hardest. John said, ”You either choose control or freedom. But you can’t have both…”
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"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."
As I begin to share Ethan's writing with you, I felt it appropriate to begin with an article he wrote some time into his incarceration. In this article, he was thinking about his eventual re-entry into society, and reflecting upon his time spent behind bars. It is a fitting way to begin this series.
~Stephen
"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."
Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It
I found Jesus
in Prison…
Throughout my 30's and into my 40's, I have been in and out of our state prison system many times. But somehow, only by the grace of God, I have always managed to get out! It's like I tell my son all the time: "going into prison isn't necessarily a bad thing...just make sure that you can get out!" The old cliché would have you believe that a good number of men who enter into prison find "religion" and subsequently find Jesus. Many, however, do not. I suppose that is true to a certain extent, as I have seen a great many men who have experienced a heart change that made them desire something that only Jesus can give. I figure that there is something about hearing that big, metal door slam shut behind you that will make you realize that there is no way out, and no hope for the future except through kneeling at the cross of Jesus!
Back in February 2011, I was invited to join Kairos Prison Ministry International. While I was initially very apprehensive about going inside the walls of a prison, I prayed about it and quickly felt as it was indeed God's will for my life at that time. A year after beginning my involvement in Kairos, I was asked to help start a "re-entry" mentoring program that had been the brainchild of one of the executive directors at a local television station. Normally, the rules of Kairos state that you are not allowed to be a part of another prison ministry while concurrently serving in Kairos. This program was one of the few exceptions made, and my dear friend, "Buddy" and myself began mentoring men inside the walls of Central Mississippi Correctional Facility.
The program was designed to mentor men who were within one to two years of release, in order to prepare them for re-entry into society on the outside. Buddy and I had the opportunity to go through the mentoring process with two separate individuals, both of whom went on to be released.
I met Ethan in the fall of 2012 when I was around 32. He went through a Kairos weekend that I was serving on. He was only around 21 or 22 years of age, but was such an old soul. Indeed, what struck me was that he possessed a depth that very few early twenty somethings could lay claim to. Ethan was quiet, soft-spoken and very humble. He had found himself in prison due to series of tragic events that had taken place in his life. When he was in high school, Ethan's dad, a healthy, fit man in the prime of his life, suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack; I honestly believe that this had caused Ethan's life to derail for a period of time.
It wasn't too long after the Kairos weekend ended, that Buddy and I began to wrap up mentoring our second "mentee." I needed a break, and had planned on not mentoring for a period of time while I took a sabbatical. However, Ethan had mentioned during the Kairos weekend that he was looking for a mentor and had just been accepted into the re-entry mentoring program. He found out that I was involved with the program, and had approached me asking if I knew of anyone willing to mentor him.
After the weekend, I couldn't stop thinking about Ethan, and what it would be like to mentor him. After much prayer, I called Buddy and hold him what was on my heart. I asked Buddy if he would be willing to work with me for a third time so that we might mentor Ethan. Buddy said yes, he would, but he shared a very surprising revelation with me.
There was a longtime Kairos volunteer by the name of "Mickey" (yes, like the mouse) who had served on the last Kairos weekend where I had met Ethan. Mickey had never been a part of the mentoring program, and had never mentored before, but had been a part of many Kairos weekends both at CMCF and at Parchman penitentiary. On the weekend, Mickey had recognized Ethan, and had mentioned to Buddy in passing that Ethan's late father had been his best friend in high school as well as his roommate in college. Ethan knew of Mickey, but two had not really had a chance to connect over the Kairos weekend. Ethan was apparently the spitting image of his late father, so it had simultaneously been both a bit of a shock and a moment of dé·jà vu when Mickey had seen Ethan on the weekend.
"I really feel like you should call Mickey and ask him to mentor Ethan with you…" had been Buddy's response when I asked him to join me in a third round of mentoring. While Buddy was willing, he wanted to give Mickey the opportunity to connect with Ethan through mentoring. Normally, mentoring match ups were done on a random basis, but since there were currently no mentors available at the time and Ethan had been accepted into the program and was waiting on a mentor, the powers that be gladly honored my specific request to begin mentoring Ethan. And began the season of life that found Mickey, Ethan, and myself meeting twice a month for the next year and a half. Those were some really sweet moments as Mickey was able to connect with Ethan through the common ground they shared with his late father. Ethan taught me a lot, as we went through Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life together and other studies over the course of the time that we had together.
It was through mentoring that I discovered that Ethan had a love of writing. As a college English instructor, I was able to connect with him in that way and offer him much encouragement to pursue his love for writing. Ethan's grandmother owned a small-town, local newspaper in Alabama. Ethan's late grandfather, Hollis, had been a newspaperman and editor until his death. While locked up, Ethan began writing a column titled "Penned Behind Bars." His columns were interesting, thought provoking, and in general, were well very written.
After his release, Ethan went to the University of Southern Mississippi, then later moved to Alabama where he took over as editor of the newspaper. The next year, I became a dad and super busy in my own way. I always kept up with Ethan, but time and distance slowly worked their way into our relationship. Ethan was very successful and became a leader in his community in Alabama. But Ethan had always carried a huge weight in his life. He had internal battles that he fought, and scars that he never truly healed from. In spite of having a huge support system and many friends, Ethan sadly ended his life in October of 2021. I remember the day I got the news and how this huge gaping wound opened in my heart. Time has helped a little, and now the wound is not as big. But it's still there and I still wish I could see Ethan one more time. I wish I could give him one more hug and spend one more hour with him. I loved Ethan like a brother, and told him that on more than one occasion. He knew it, and he also had SO many others who loved him. But it wasn't enough.
There is a quote from one of my favorite books, A River Runs Through It. In the book, the author states that "…it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."
We can love others, and we can try to reach them in the best way we know how. But sometimes, our best just isn't enough. Sometimes, the candle of the person we care about simply doesn't have enough strength to keep burning here in this old world that we live in. And so it dies out. But there's a place on Heaven's bright shore where candles burn bright with an eternal flame. A place where all the flames extinguished here on Earth have been re-lit. Ethan's candle burns once more. The arms of Jesus wrap around him, and Ethan's earthly scars are gone. One day I will see him again, along with everyone else that I dearly miss. Over the next few months, I will be sharing some of Ethan's writings with you each Wednesday. For me, it will be a somewhat difficult and bittersweet trip down memory lane, as I have not looked at these in years.
~S
The only scars in Heaven, they won't belong to me and you…
There'll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new…
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down…
Is that the only scars in Heaven, yeah, are on the hands that hold you now.
In an effort to continually address my self-focused tendencies, I’ve had to look in the mirror and face some very hard truths about myself. I am A LOT… really too much for most people. I’m a huge personality / commanding presence, and many times, I say too much or over share my struggles and failures. Sadly, this can sometimes leave the wrong impression on people about who I truly am. Weakness is defined by our culture as not being strong enough to be self-sufficient. Strength is often times measured by our ability to keep our warts hidden. As such, in my opinion, this is why the world is so very messed up. We’ve isolated ourselves inside of toxic self-sufficiency, to the point of becoming over reliant on our many insecure attachments, therefore we have very little confidence in our ability to be loved on a real and genuine level. To be more specific, the bigger your personality, the more people very well may see you as weak or empty. When in reality, we’re simply desperate to be heard, and therefore connect with people that might be able to empathize with our shortcomings / pain. Most cannot, making for a struggle to know who / where those people are.
My life is a constant battle against the lies of the enemy. Here are just a few…“You’re never going to find love again, you’re far too broken and polluted by your struggles for any woman to ever put up with, or much less love…” or things like “Gods never going to use you, and if he did you would only embarrass yourself and the Christian name when people find out your sexual sins…” oh and let’s not forget my all-time favorite one, “You serve no purpose, you have no value, and no one would ever miss you if you died tomorrow. Why wait? Freedom from this world's disappointment and struggle is one trigger pull away…” I've been hearing that one since my mid-teens… Presently, I’m 50 years old.
Catch 22: A dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.
Sometimes love is lost inside our selfish pride. Sometimes that pride writes checks that we don’t have the emotional dexterity to cash. Sometimes we stand over the battlefield of injured people who suffered at our hands of narcissistic dysfunction, and there’s nothing we can do to ease their pain. The damage is done and it’s so bad for them that they can’t even stomach having one more conversation with. Realizing all this creates pain and suffering in your own life that's intensely personal. An amends only goes so far and has no guarantee of reconciliation. Also, some individuals are so broken from our actions, they will never receive our apologies. Thus, our sincere regret only falls on deaf ears. Sometimes, the damage is final, and you just have to live with the guilt, shame, and paralyzing loneliness that comes with a broken clumsy life. Some things will never be fixed…
