Addict isn't a moniker I use often, but I'm beginning to warm up to it more and more these days. And this is because I'm beginning to understand what differentiates an addict from everyone else. My first Silas dubbed himself a "porn addict", and this was +/-15 years ago (well before either of us had even heard of Samson Society). He described his use of porn akin to brushing his teeth each day in spite of his role as our church's Youth Pastor. The experience brought him absolutely zero remorse / guilt. Instead, it was his go-to for that dopamine hit - time & time again.
This man's vocation (spiritual conspicuousness) suffered tremendously as a result, but just as much, his laziness was to blame. At the time, his sweet wife was more than willing to run their household (they had three small children) while he committed himself to "down time" (Internet porn, online video games, and obsessive Alabama football fandom). Too, this friend was one of the first to purchase an iPhone (for both he & his wife), making it that much easier to follow through with his MO whilst sitting on his rear end.
But back then, I simply couldn't stomach the word addict combined with Internet porn. Even if our then Youth Pastor felt no remorse towards his prolific sin. Instead, what I saw was an enabling combined with nomenclature justification. Regarding the former, it came from both his wife and his employer (our church), not to mention the culture (ease of access / overall smugness towards porn) and technology itself.
And regarding the latter, I believe he also exploited the term in order to justify his chronic use of Internet porn to that much a greater degree. So, I truly don't believe he - in particular - was ever addicted to porn.
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But what about the "porn addict" who's not an enabled lazy bum? What if he's instead a hyper-involved, overly responsible community servant who just happens to use a steady stream of porn to jack off to regularly? Add to those descriptors his struggle with general anxiety disorder combined with a markedly different pre-Christian "life" (narrative) than post-Christian.
What about this guy? Is he truly addicted?
To answer this question, you must know that this guy has recently been introduced to a weekly Samson Society (virtual), and as such, he's routinely involving himself in a 30+ member group of seasoned Samson guys. And this ongoing experience has rocked his world. He feels like he's found Xanadu, and the communal blessings therein continue to bolster his fortitude against his private vice.
And this is so much so that this guy's even signed up for this fall's 2022 National Samson Society retreat (having only been involved in the Samson community for a few months).
As a result, his private behaviors have become much more intentionally not regarding sexual sin (because in his mind, they're no longer private, thanks to his virtual Samson community). To add to that, he's even beginning to recognize how his behavior impacts (even if it's the tiniest bit) the community he's now found himself a part of. And this motivates him to stop seeing himself as singular / lonely / isolated / removed / pariah. Thanks be to God.
I have no idea if this guy is an addict. The jury is still out.
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A couple of three weeks ago, an old friend telephoned me out of the blue. I first connected with this guy decades ago whilst architecting. From our very first juncture, I was absolutely intrigued by this dude. He was handsome, intelligent, articulate yet so very reserved and formal, almost to the point of Victorian. At the time, I'd no idea what it meant for anyone - much less someone like him - to be so deeply ashamed of your / their past. Therefore, I didn't recognize it, or if I did, I chose not to see it. Instead, I just assumed he was wired a bit differently than most (if not everyone else I'd met up to that point in time).
Alcoholism is / has been quite the destructive force within my old friend's ancestry. He once told me that his parents chose to marry due to their "compatibility" relative to drinking (they were drinking buddies). He also shared that at one point during his childhood (growing up in Yazoo City), he and his sister found themselves going door to door, pleading with their tone-deaf neighbors to intervene back at their home. He went on to say that he and sis desperately feared that their father would beat their mother to death, all in a fit of alcohol-fueled rage. Hence, their motivation to forlornly seek help.
It was during my old friend's grad school days (in Iowa) where life for him truly went off the rails. So much so that were it not for his mother's instinctual rescue, he'd likely have ended up dead. Alcohol played a sizable role therein.
Yesterday, he spent an hour or so with me here at the house. By his account, he's +/-100 days sober. Regular AA meetings combined with his sponsor combined with group and individual therapy sessions are critically important for him to stay sober. Even today, as a mid 50s man, he's monetarily / emotionally dependent on his mother. Yet, he's at peace with that lack of autonomy, knowing full well how destructive his alcohol-fueled - independent - forays can be.
In my opinion, this old friend is most definitely an addict. For it is a chemical substance he's craving. One that's administered via drink. I welcome him with open arms back into my life. Thanks be to God.
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What drew me to viewing Internet porn at work, eventually leading to my termination from Delta State University in September of 2013? First off, up to that point in time (& even whilst living in Cleveland), I only had readily available access to gay porn at work. That combined with so much of my behavior being fueled by intense curiosity, relative to what the Internet had in store for me, partially answers the aforementioned question. Beyond that, it eventually became apparent that consuming gay porn at work had become a risk-taking adventure. An adventure that drew me in as much as the salacious imagery itself.
For it's through risk-taking that I experience tangible feelings of masculinity. Especially if the risk-taking behavior is externally non-descript (shockingly out of character) yet internally capricious. Viewing gay porn (of all things for a married, Christian man to be looking at!) fit the bill perfectly in that regard.
Now, that being said, I experienced tremendous amounts of guilt for both wasting my employers' time and risking the destruction of my Christian witness (I wrote about this extensively on my many years now defunct personal blog). Also, gay porn's draw to me was definitely proportional to how uninterested in my work I happened to be. In essence, monotony / fatigue did me no favors in this regard.
Therefore, I most definitely wasn't an addict. I was / am more like my former Youth Pastor friend.
I was curious, bored whilst languishing over the sin-laden rush I'd receive via my masculine-feeling ruse. It was as simple as that.
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