I remember a Sunday night in church when I was six or seven years old. I was in a small class with some other kids and the teacher was quizzing us about the Disciples of Christ. She was asking us questions like, “Which disciple was a tax collector before he followed Jesus?” “Which disciple had a twin?” “Who was the disciple Jesus loved?”
Being a church kid (back when kids went to church on Sunday night, and Wednesday night) my competitive adrenaline was flowing and I wanted to show the teacher and the other kids I was the smartest Bible kid in the room. But I kept being tripped up on two questions the teacher asked. “Which disciple denied Jesus?” and “Which disciple betrayed Jesus?”
The teacher would ask me, “Which disciple betrayed Jesus?” I would answer “Peter” and she would say, “No, Peter denied Jesus.” It would come back around to my turn and she would ask “Which disciple denied Jesus?” and I would say “Judas.” I realize now that the reason I kept missing the questions was not because I didn’t know who Peter and Judas were, but because I didn’t know the meaning of the words betrayal and denial.
Unfortunately, now I am painfully aware of the meaning of both words. I know, first hand like Peter, what it means to pretend you don’t know Jesus when it suits the purpose of saving your skin, or your reputation. I know, like Judas, what it means to be driven by my own agenda, to deceive, to pretend to love and follow, when in reality I am scheming, manipulative and willing to sell someone out with a kiss.
I have done both.
Therapists have a thing they call “betrayal trauma.” Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. When a person is betrayed, the reaction varies from person to person but involves responses such as these. Betrayal causes trauma.
When my wife discovered my porn addiction it caused her “betrayal trauma” to add to the long list of trauma she had previously had to navigate in her life. I didn’t realize at the time what I had dumped on her. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish we had been able to have conversations about how my betrayal traumatized her. Sadly, part of the response to this trauma was a strained relationship which ultimately ended in divorce. Our marriage has been over for more than three years now. I haven’t seen, spoken to her or had any contact with her for over two years. But I dreamt about her last night. Maybe I have some trauma still to be healed from the fall out of our relationship? Could I be in denial about my betrayal? I’m no different from Judas and Peter.
But when I think about that Sunday night in that classroom of kids learning about the people that followed Jesus, I desire to be more like Peter than Judas. Judas ended his own life because he couldn’t handle dealing with life because of what he did. He couldn’t get past the condemnation of his past.
By contrast, even though Peter denied even knowing Jesus (with cursing) three separate times went on to live in freedom from his sin. What was the difference between Peter and Judas? I believe Judas was a pawn of Satan, used in his evil plan to get rid of Jesus. John records at the last supper when Judas left to put the plan in motion, “the devil entered him.” Peter was restored to fellowship with Christ. In John 21 the resurrected Jesus appeared to his disciple again on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. There he had a conversation with Peter reversing his denial. Three times Peter denied Jesus, three times Jesus asked Peter if he loved him. When Peter answered in the affirmative each time Jesus followed with “feed my sheep.” A three-fold denial, a three-fold recovery and commissioning. This was why Peter in Acts 2 was able to interpret the actions of the Spirit and boldly declare the word of God resulting in over 3000 souls converted and added to the number of those following Jesus.
In my mind’s eye I go back to that classroom where six year old Max didn’t know the difference between Peter and Judas. Now I know the difference. Now I choose to follow Jesus like Peter, a restored son of the sovereign Lord.
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