"YOU DO NOT FIT IN HERE!"
My one and only BPO (Business & Professional Outreach) International deer camp retreat experience happened back in February of 2014, and unfortunately, I did not come away feeling known or at all having had an intimate experience with the +/-30 men who accompanied me to rural Holmes County, MS. And that outcome had nothing to do with anyone but me for such a time as that.
For the timing was wrong. Just as the timing was wrong for me to attend the "Sportsman's Night Out" at First Baptist Church Jackson last Friday, (4/1/22) night, but I did it because I wanted to please my dad. And he did come away pleased that I made the effort on his behalf (which put a smile on my face).
The problem therein is I've no idea when the timing is best for me to take part in these type of events. Yet, when the timing is right, they're awesome to experience for I then know myself better (& believe that knowledge as truth).
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When I worked as the Campus Architect at Delta State University back in 2012 / 2013, the timing could not have been worse because at that time, I was not at all well-equipped to see / appreciate my place within that group (of men). Yet, I never would have come to know this had I not stepped into that position on faith, leaving my comfort zone behind (& the same applies to my aforementioned deer camp retreat experience).
What it comes down to is knowing yourself, and for Rob, there have been some distinct seasons (life stages?) where I was completely ignorant therein. Considering that statement though, I must say that I'm thankfully experiencing shorter and shorter blind spots as I settle into middle-age.
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Another sizable factor in all of this is how perpetually focused I can become on the men around me during these (gathered) events / within these settings. And this isn't an enviable focusing on my part (like it was within my youth). It's not that at all. Today, it's more of a silent shakedown, fueled by an energized curiosity, more than anything else.
After leaving this past February's Samson Society regional retreat, I agreed to provide a ride to a new Samson friend (who is very close to my age) from our venue in Gulf Shores to the Mobile airport (for him to catch a flight out later on that day). It wasn't long into our trek that he confidently affirmed my spiritual gifting, having had the opportunity to observe me closely throughout the weekend. I wasn't sure how to feel about this except a bit exposed and sad.
When you're given the gift of seeing inside other men (which I am supremely honored to be gifted with), and your sexuality is schewed towards homosexual desires (versus heterosexual), a distinct outward bias can take root.
That statement represents a big part of my life in a nutshell. And it's why I have so little ability to resist readily available gay porn (moth to a flame). And, at times, it does make me sad. Today is one of those days.
Thanks. I'm Rob.
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