I was having lunch with a pastor friend many years ago, and he heard me boast regarding my parenting confidence. The Turner children were small then in contrast to my friend's children (who were a few years older overall). From there, he wanted to know where I had found the anticipatory goods to have the confidence I did. I stated blithely that I'd analyzed what my own parents had done well and not so well before taking the best ideas and discarding the rest. He sort of looked at me weirdly in response. But what I said was the honest truth. Analyzing important relationships from my past has always come naturally for me, and I think this is rooted in my inability to see my own innate self with any real clarity.
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I am indebted to God for bringing my high school best friend, Pete, into my life in 9th grade. Pete was one year older than I, and over the course of that first year, he ended up absolutely taken with Rob. I didn't realize this at the time, but whilst looking back as a young adult, it was apparent. His behavior was really unusual for a awhile there prior to everything eventually leveling out. Pete, I understand now, really needed a male friend that he could relate to, and I just happened to walk into his life at the right time to fulfill that need. Both of us had a shared love for music which is why we were both within the high school marching band, and it was through that extracurricular activity that our friendship was seeded.
Pete was (externally) the nerd of all nerds, and like so many nerds (by definition), he absolutely loathed himself in secret. On the surface though, he was masterful at playing the intellectual aloof, and it was this ability that I so admired / respected in him. Pete's only close friend was a girl named Dana (who was also the personification of teenage aloofness), and this had been the case for most of his life. Dana lived a few streets over from his own within their respective 'hood in suburban Madison county. These two were inseparable 'till Rob came along.
Dana came from a healthier (& younger) family dynamic than Pete (whose parents were considerably older), therefore the two of them spent the majority of their time at her family's abode listening to music, watching TV, and playing board games. Dana secretly had a crush on Pete all the while, but Pete masterfully kept the relationship strictly platonic. It was uniquely entertaining to observe this dance between the two of them, especially taking into account all of the aloofness between the two of them relative to anything and everything.
My friendship with these two abruptly shifted during my senior year in high school since they'd already left the Magnolia state (the year prior) to pursue their respective college degrees.
I kept in touch with Pete my freshman year via US mail, but all in all, it was in college that I began to further make decisions about how I spent my time that began to work against my friendship / admiration with / towards this slightly older yet still decidedly young man. That being said, had I not known Pete as well as I did, these perfunctory choices likely wouldn't have come to fruition.
All and all, Pete was a fixed point for me during my varsity years that made an indelible impression, and I cannot underestimate that.
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Pete's massive consumption of '80s popular culture (TV, music, film) was unparalleled. I too enjoyed much of what he did in this regard, but I had not the capacity to gorge myself as he did. Pete knew every network TV show (sitcom and otherwise) and all its actors (for he watched them all), every popular song and artist (for he listened to them all), and most films (that were within the era of the 1980s) down to the minutiae. On top of this, he played Nintendo video games during the summer months within his parents' den while I was frying chicken filets (for $6 an hour) at the local mall.
Around the time of my sophomore year of college, I decided I'd consumed enough televised entertainment (& commercials) for the life I'd been given, therefore I gave up TV completely. I vividly remember showing up to meet my potluck roommate there at Evans Hall sans a CRT television, and my goodness, was my roomie ever surprised. No TV? No TV.
Now, I didn't announce this decision to stop watching TV to the world. There were no decals applied to the bumper of my 1991 Mitsubishi coupe. I simply did it by declaring internally that TV time is time wasted, therefore I'd put a stop to it for good. I remember feeling vindicated from a huge cultural influence that had shaped / controlled so much of my mindset as a child.
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The other differentiator between myself and Pete was his inability to see anything but the "less than" within other young men. I vividly remember that for a number of years during Pete's college career, he was saddled with roommates, none of which he could ever get along with. Despite his sizable collegiate scholarship, he still had a hefty tuition / room & board bill to stomach each semester at the private institution he attended, therefore roommates within the dorm absolutely softened that monetary blow.
One of Pete's favorite pastimes was degrading his roommates behind their backs. He'd often share with me how he'd spend weeks and weeks never once even speaking to these other young men despite his close proximity. Everything, in his eyes, about them was frustratingly difficult to bear. I distinctly remember him labeling the majority of them as "stupid". At first, I laughed this off, but eventually, I began to realize that Pete was the one at fault here.
Considering that, my freshman year in college came with Rob's first potluck roommate, and reflexively, I unfortunately chose to take this same hyper-critical, negative-lensed approach. And despite the fact that some of my frustrations were genuinely warranted, mostly I was unwilling to compromise even an inch. It was my own arrogance that poisoned any attempt to build even an inkling of mutual respect between myself and Chad (freshman roommate). From there, whilst entering the summer following that year, I vowed to never be so inflexible / judgmental / prideful. And I was not.
Ultimately, I forced myself to learn how to listen and yield in an attempt to gain respect and confidence between potluck guy (there were three overall) and myself. And for the most part, it worked quite well. And still does even today. Men crave respect. It is the ambrosia of their souls.
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When I last communicated with Pete, it was during the early days of Facebook, sometime during 2008. Considering my losing touch with him, I'd set up a Facebook account with the sole purpose of finding / communicating with my old friend. Not surprisingly, Pete would soon earn an honorary doctorate in social media from none other than Mark Zuckerberg himself. For the two men undoubtedly were almost identical in their wiring. No doubt, I was not surprised to see the now results of this longstanding entertainment-centric pattern. Social media was now Pete's ultimate consumable weapon, providing him with a massive platform / sense of control.
My foray into social media went as follows. After locating Pete and obtaining his email address, I eventually encountered my tenth "Friend Request". From there, I bowed out of Facebook, and haven't looked back since, having asked the question of myself, "Who needs more than ten friends?". And again, thanks to Pete's headlong immersion into this new thing, I knew it was so much wiser for me to decouple forever from this massive time waster.
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And that's the greatest lesson from my high school best friend, Pete. It's the asking of the question, "What's the value of Rob's time?". And similarly, "What cultural norm is Rob using or has been tempted to use to hide himself inside of?". The latter question has particular significance for me.
In closing, becoming intimately familiar with other men (of all ages and in various roles), I believe, is the best means to discern what works best and what does not for you yourself. And this realization is achieved via overlapping you over your knowledge / understanding of them. Thusly, this takes time and effort poured into steadfast relationships that are blessed with good, if not perfect timing. Samson Society is a bit of a microcosm in this regard, therefore if you've no experience / know-how actively analyzing men (from all walks of life), here's your chance to understand what's important to you through your relationship with them. Another sizable benefit to being involved within our community of men.
This ain't no Sunday School class gentlemen. It's far more opportunistic than that will ever be.
Lagniappe
