Flynn's Recovery Journal (Entry #7)

Restlessness 

As long as I can remember, I have been a person with an abundance of nervous energy. It manifests in various ways depending on the circumstances. During conversation with someone I don’t know very well, I might smile and nod excessively. When I’m anticipating a call or an important meeting/task, I likely will go to town on making sure my immediate surroundings are neat and orderly. I do not view this trait as a character defect but rather as a personality trait that I try to be aware of and address when overly activated. (At one point in my life, I was crippled by OCD. While interrelated, these anxious “ticks” I view as distinct.) 

I have never been one to be able to sit still, and the advent of the smart phone and the intertwining of our lives with technology has only exacerbated this in my life. This is well and good when there are things to get done and as a preventative measure against laziness, but what about when I have put in a long day’s work and need to allow my body and mind to rest and recharge? 

For so long, I have passed up these opportunities for true rest because of my craving of stimulation. In addition to the physiological aspect of my struggle with porn (the belief I have cultivated that I need it to temper my sex drive at a given time), I think this part of me is also a significant contributor. 

A newspaper headline I saw months ago read, “When You’re Bored, Pay Attention,” and too often I haven’t been able to sit with myself and my thoughts. My automatic action in such moments (when I am alone, and especially just before going to sleep) is to retreat to the bathroom and self-pleasure. In these next weeks of high volume and quick turnaround as I move to Washington, DC for work, I hope to further recognize that my relationship with and dependence on porn is a lot more than sexual. That may be the primary driver of my initial attraction to it, but like most things, following through and making a habit does not have a singular cause. 

Next time I am presented with time to myself, my goal is to use it to deepen my understanding of myself through journaling here rather than languish in shame in God knows where.

Recommended reading (Ego Involvement)

The fastest way to kill motivation is to make your identity depend on the outcome.  It’s called ego involvement.

When failing becomes failing as a person, your brain starts avoiding the whole thing.  Not because you don’t care, but because you care too much.

You don’t need lower standards.  You need less self-worth tangled up in your goals.

The work gets easier when it’s not about proving who you are.

-lina (The Science of Being)

Recommended Reading (Literally)

Review: ‘The Tech Exit’ by Clare Morell

Recommended Reading

Don’t Make Friends with Doubt | Desiring God

Is A Loved One / Friend / Professional Colleague Attempting To Drive A Wedge Between You & A Third Relational Leg (Parent / Common Friend / Professional Colleague or Bossman)? Read On.

Firstly, what is a relational wedge?  

It's an intentional (tangential) relational sabotaging technique used by individuals who feel a grievance has occurred between them and someone they're close to.  In tandem, these individuals often feel intensely justified to drive said wedge, but more often than not, their justification is only rooted in overwhelming negative feelings towards the griever (inflictor of emotional pain).  

But what's unique about wedges is that by definition, there must be at least three closely relationed individuals involved.

1.  The party who experienced the grievance

2.  The griever

[INSERT (POTENTIAL) WEDGE HERE]

3.  The friend / parent / coworker, etc. of both party 1 & 2. 

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What's unusual about some relational wedges is they're actually driven (attempted) forth between child & parent (via the opposing parent).  Why make the effort to do this?  Especially considering the baked-in longevity (stickiness tied to all familial relations) therein.  Nonetheless, let's say the parents are divorced, and now living separately.  And let's assume the divorce didn't occur amiably (as if any truly do).  Divorcee #1 can undoubtedly feel obliged / justified to drive a wedge between the child(ren) and divorcee #2, but just because it feels correct to follow through doesn't mean it's the smartest move long-term.

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A quick (decades old) story:

My first (large-scale, by MS standards) architecture firm job saw me hired on in '96 (by one of the four owners) who just happened to have - somewhat recently - remarried (to one of his employees / my now colleague).  His new honey was almost a decade older than he, and this woman (also a divorcee) had quite the chip on her shoulder (woman scorned...).  And to top that off, she was simply intimidating to boot (physically large / virago - professionally & otherwise).  

This woman is who first introduced me to the "art of driving wedges" within a vocational setting.  As such, as I became more comfortable with my role as an intern, she actively sought to weaken my professional / personal relationship with her husband via wedge driving.  Some of this was subtle but as my tenure increased, it only became more pronounced, especially considering how willing her husband (my boss) was to entertain her drivel.  Nonetheless, I lost more and more respect for both parties as the expected emotional exhaustion mounted.

As I'm sure you realize, I had no clue what I would be stepping into when I took this internship position.  All I knew was I needed employment (to serve as advancement towards eventually sitting for the Architectural Registration Exam).  But, man oh man, did I ever experience so much more.  All thanks to my boss's bed partner.  It was truly soap opera-like.  Yet, I'm so thankful to have walked through this young man experience.  Trial by fire, if you know what I mean.

A quick (much more recent) story (that went down a few years prior to the COVID-19 pandemic):

After coming alongside a newcomer (in-person Samson meeting attendee) that had been ushered / invited in by an old friend, this clinically depressed young man did such the unexpected by effectively driving a wedge between me and two other Samson brothers (+/-18 months into our friendship).  Keep in mind that I was considerably older than these guys.  Hence, their stage of life was so very different than my own.  But too, #1 wasn't from Mississippi, and as such, made it very clear how loathed he was as a "temporary resident".  

As such, I believe I became (to him) sort of a harbinger of all things Mississippi (immediately following my perceived grievance towards him).  As such, I believe, this further motivated him to drive that wedge as deep as he possibly could.

And as a result, just a short year later, that wedge had successfully metastasized into deep seated paranoia regarding Rob.  From there, the other longstanding Samson friendship imploded unexpectedly (yet spectacularly). 

Who would have imagined something like this happening within the auspices of Samson Society? 

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Once wedges are driven / established and the emotional / relational fallout occurs (as a result), you have a choice to make.

A.  Fight for the relationship's (between all THREE parties) "recalibration" ("equalization").  

B.  Politely walk away from the other two parties (as if no such wedge driving had occurred).

If you choose A, you're going to have to successfully bring all everyone together in order for you to insist on a "clearing of the air".  Sometimes this is impossible.  But, if it is, and you're successful in doing so, this can become a heated / passionate discussion that's likely going to deeply impact the standing (future trustworthiness) of #1 (the wedge driver) in light of the relationship's future.  Nevertheless, reconciliation is always a possibility, but especially so within Christian circles.

If you choose B, you're going to need to forgive these folks quickly, completely and quietly whilst moving on.  Why?  There's a good chance you'll bump into these (it's a small world) down the road.  In other words, cut your losses and exit stage left.  

Personally, I've done both and each is hard.  Mostly because you're the victim, therefore not only are you hurting as such but from there, you're saddled with following through with one of these two not at all easy relational choices (which only adds to the pain).

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Lastly, if you dear reader are or have found yourself as a #1 (wedge driver), give yourself some slack.  Relationships are filled with heady emotions.  Plus, talk is cheap.  Those two combined with our baked-in sin nature can make wedge driving (at times) almost impossible to revengefully / deceitfully resist.  Believe me, I speak from experience.

Flynn's Recovery Journal (Entry #4)

Sunday, June 1, 2025 (Entry #4)

Trust the process, keep moving forward

Last night I again delved into the sewer of pornography. This is the first time in a long time I have used this material on consecutive nights. A positive to take away from that: I did not binge the first night and neither the second night. A negative: I still feel the shame and sting of my choices despite not feeling as repulsed by the thought of porn as I usually would after getting off to it.

Speaking of that, I need to do a better job of describing what I am thinking, feeling, and doing during these instances of relapse. Here is my attempt.

- Before (dark night of the soul): It is almost second nature for my mind to go to the opportunity I have to watch porn and masturbate when I find myself home by myself. After dinner and a movie with my parents (which I did to prevent such an opportunity from arising), I got home and my brother was not back from his friend’s graduation party yet. Watching TV and even getting in bed to fall asleep proved futile. I kept checking his location on my laptop, and with the idea that last night might be my best chance for a few days, I took the plunge into the ditch.

- During (giving in & letting go): Deactivating my laptop’s Covenant Eyes blocking software, and with an image of the performer I was lusting after in my head, I went to Google. Dirty blonde/brownish hair, “normal” body features (breasts, buttocks, etc.), but very attractive, this woman fit perfectly my arousal archetype. Important for me as well though is the male performer she is acting with. For me to achieve the level of pleasure my loosed sexuality desires, I have to be able to feel comparable to the man. Whether I look like him in his current state or he is in a shape that would be my ideal, my intention is always to be living vicariously through him.

I would describe the material I am looking at while self-pleasuring to be “realistic,” relative to pornography. There is usually a level of physical attraction between the two actors that manifests in kissing/foreplay before they engage in intercourse. When they do so, I seem to be particularly stimulated by sex acts that are as visually pleasurable as possible for me. This means “positions” and angles that provide the most visibility of the performers’, specifically the woman’s, buttocks and/or breasts.

Often times, when I am in search of porn and a scene that I find pleasurable enough, the webpages I am visiting are inundated with ads that depict hardcore and deviant sexual acts. Despite my relative aversion to such depictions (I have not intentionally clicked one of the links in hopes of further exploring their content to date), this has obviously not stopped me from seeking out porn. And it has not stopped the progression of the porn I seek out from being more and more explicit: scenes with three people, scenes in different environments than the bedroom, scenes involving anal sex, scenes that are just degrading in general. To be honest, it at times scares me, what I am watching or unintentionally see. I sometimes wonder if my porn use has left me with trauma or lack of empathy for individuals I interact with in real life.

The fear, I believe strongly, is only worsened by my OCD and brain’s overall intolerance of uncertainty. I want to know for sure I will never behave improperly, say, during sex with my wife, or worse, ultimately engage in some of the acts in these scenes. The truth is, I don’t know for sure. But my hope is by continuing to show up and keep fighting, in the vein of journaling, reaching out for help with my family and friends, attending meetings, confessing to and confiding in my accountability, I can grow in confidence of my self-control and ability to experience pleasure, whether self- or sexual, in a healthy, non-lustful manner.

- Aloneness: After orgasm, I am invariably left in a state of shame, tiredness, and even times despair. I always shower and go to bed – or take a nap if during the day. It is almost impossible, I feel in the moment, to face people and my loved ones after doing something that I know and believe is very wrong. The next day, I ensure my devices are secured again and try to do something productive or charitable, whether it be completing a school assignment or donating a few dollars to a non-profit I receive email from. This practice puts me on the path to feeling better about myself, before the vicious cycle starts again in a day or so.

Flynn's Recovery Journal (Entry #1)

Wednesday, May 28, 2025 (Entry #1)

Flynn's Story with Porn

I cannot recall exactly the first time I saw pornography, but I do know a moment early in my life that sticks out to me that involves it.

It was me, my younger brother Jasper, and our close friend Ryan upstairs at our old house. I believe it was a weekend night, and we had a computer up there. I don’t know why or how, but I proceeded to type in an explicit website and explore it with them. From what I can remember, Ryan and I, around 11 years old, and Jasper, around 8 years old, stared in awe at the naked bodies and graphic acts being depicted on the screen. After a few minutes, likely upon hearing my parents downstairs, I remember leaving the site. As we looked at it and afterwards, I remember feeling that what I was doing and did was wrong. Looking back now, I feel tremendous remorse for exposing my little brother and friend to that site and what it contained. I do not know if it what was the first time I viewed pornography, but it certainly carried with it a lot of shame and guilt. Sadly, I still frequently experience those emotions today. I still engage pornography and masturbate. I find myself alone and isolated and filled with regret and sorrow after having committed these actions. I find myself yearning to be free of the allure of pornography and able to see the beauty of people as they are, the way God sees them.

Experience with porn

- Very often, when porn becomes attractive to me (usually only days after a fall) again, the fantasy I am picturing in my head is far different than the videos I end up watching on the screen. In my head, while lustful, it is less detailed (more sensual than sexual). In reality, I end up binging on 1-2 hours of increasingly graphic material.

- Porn offers me a “relief” from the burden and stressors of daily life. The actors and actresses always accept me and I never have to compromise or risk embarrassment.

- As someone who is constantly curious, porn provides me with novelty and adventure. True or false, I have come to believe that others do not see me as interesting or worthy of deeper examination (or perhaps I am too insecure to let them?), so porn and masturbation give me a means to explore and experiment with my sexuality.

- When I am watching porn and masturbating, I feel free from the confines and rigidity of morals and acceptable social behavior.

- Porn puts me in a position of power and gives me the autonomy to relinquish it.

Why do I think I watch porn?

In a lot of ways, because I have been using it for so long, it is the only way I know how to somewhat satiate my sex drive on a given day.

It is alluring for me to see people, usually very physically attractive people, behave in a way so freewheeling and with self-abandon. I believe, rightly or wrongly, this can never be me in real life, so watching others do so is the next best thing.

I do not have great self-confidence when it comes to intimacy or even talking deeply with members of the opposite sex. The male performers on the contrary exhibit it in spades. The visceral nature and immersion of porn videos these days allows me to try to live vicariously through them.