Wrestling Away Control / Rob Can't Be Trusted

I obtained a new desktop PC at work, and taking into consideration how well things are going as of late - in general - I'm prone to celebrate by consuming some gay Internet porn.

Yet, my newly appointed Covenant Eyes Ally has been informed (by me) of the arrival of this new desktop PC.  Plus, I assured him that I'd install Covenant Eyes soon thereafter (which I have).  

But, oh my goodness, how I wanted to take a half hour or so (or more) and see what might pop up if I searched for "Hairy muscle men gay porn", utilizing this zippy, brand-spanking new processor.  

Yesterday, I had one of our vehicles serviced, and regrettably, I chose to wait for the service to be completed (it took MUCH LONGER than anticipated).  After lunch, one of the young mechanics moseyed into the waiting room to refill his Yeti (I was close to being comatose on the cheap leather sofa), and I immediately became enthralled by his physical beauty.  I'd brought my Bible, and had been reading it on and off throughout my moratorium, but the text was no match for this Adonis.  All in all, it was quite a gift to have a few moments with this young man.

Hence, I could have - today - searched for "Hot mechanic gay porn" as well in order to have the Internet fully exploit (take advantage of?) my memorable encounter.  But, I chose not to, knowing all along that, thanks to Covenant Eyes, I'm not isolated / alone with my thoughts on my new desktop PC.

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I spoke to one of my Silees at length yesterday, (7/6) morning whilst waiting on my vehicle, and he was telling me of an encounter he had with multiple beautiful women who were grocery shopping in string bikinis (with thong bottoms) where he & his wife live on the East Coast.  

This guy admires hot women as much as I do hot guys.  And thanks to the Internet, as a follow-up to his encounter, he could just as easily have searched for "Hot MILF string bikini grocery shopping", and the Internet would oblige - no questions asked.

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Thanks be to God for Covenant Eyes.  Otherwise, I'd be screwed.  For I do not need to be consuming gay Internet porn.  Even for +/-30 minutes to "christen" my new PC.

Honoring The Mother Ship's (First Baptist Church Jackson) Cherished '70s / '80s' Pastor - Dr. Frank Pollard - 3/19/78 transcript

 

"Hard People = Hard Choices" - JR Everhart

The path of victory always runs through the town of suffering.  Growth is rarely compatible with comfort.  I get so twisted and frustrated with the challenging people in my life.  It sometimes turns me into a bull that gives everyone around me the horns.  I’m a firm believer that challenging people are great assets of growth.  But the journey mostly sucks.  Lol.  These people trigger all our dysfunctional reactions and make us think about what our true character is.  These people are the refiners-fire challenging us to align our walk with our talk.  It’s easy to stand and talk about how great a person you are until some jerk takes you for granted and treats you like your nobody, and eventually dismisses everything you're trying to do in life.  These people have no idea the mountains of suffering you’ve had to climb, or the high cliffs you’ve had to navigate to just become functional. Or how about all the loss that lays on the road behind you from all the hard lessons you’ve had to learn.  But at its core, this is testing your resilience and ability to love those that are hard to love. Newsflash!  We are hard to love at times, and Jesus still sets at our table of chaos and enjoys a conversation with us over a meal.  His love for us through all our anger, malice, frustration, and self-entitlement never ceases to amaze me. 

I struggle so hard this way.  I grew up as the 11th child of 12, and had to fight for everything in my life.  I was always dismissed and pushed to the side.  Made to feel like I was in my parents' way of happiness.  I’ve had to scratch and claw my way to where I am now, and nothing makes me want to clothesline a guy with a chainsaw more than being treated that way in my adult life.  But self-control is a fruit of the spirit…  Learning to walk the path of love and gentleness DOES NOT come natural to me.  I’m a big guy with a big personality.  But I’ve had to learn these lessons the hard way.  Again, nothing comes easy for me in my world.  I’m still scratching and clawing my way through this stuff. But after almost ten years in recovery, I think I’m starting to figure some of this out. 

What I’ve come to learn is that the people who trigger me most have a story as well.  They didn’t become the dismissive jerks they are overnight.  Most have stories just like mine - full of abuse and dysfunction.  Some grew up spoiled brats financially but had zero validation from their career-driven parents.  Once I start trying to see the world through their eyes, my reactions begin to change. It’s hard to learn to become an actor in life, instead of a reactor.  I’ve spent most of my life reacting to the world around me instead of walking out the principles of “live and let live”.  Or even learning to pick and choose the battles I’m fighting with people.  Not every hill is worth dying over.  When I learn to stop the trigger reactions, I start to mature emotionally.  People don’t jack me up as easily. I’m no expert at this, but the first step is knowledge and understanding.  It may take years to get these things operating in my life, but no matter how slow your progress forward in your journey, you're still miles ahead of everyone blind to their dysfunction and not trying.

 

So how does all this reflect into the pool of my compulsive behaviors?  Well first of all porn never says no.  It always offers validation and some sort of connection even if it is toxic.  I look at it like some of the food we eat.  Deep down we know it’s slowing killing us, but we still return to the trough like blind pigs being fattened up for the slaughter.  Porn’s no different; it promises paradise but delivers decay.  Yet some of us still return to the thought of desire regularly.  Nothing triggers me more to act out than being treated in the aforementioned manner.  I have this need to feel validated and connected, and when those things are threatened, my natural tendency is to move toward the porn trough.  For me, before recovery, that translated into physically connecting with the women I was swinging with regularly.  And if I’m being honest, when I use porn to this day, it makes me want to start texting those old connections whom I know wouldn’t say no to me sexually.  It’s a very slippery slope that I have to navigate with much fear and trembling.  So I write, or connect with healthy friends, and most of the time eat way too much food.  I don’t drink, gamble, do drugs of any kind, and can’t allow myself the toxic pleasure of casual sex, therefore I eat.  It’s my greatest struggle in my life these days.  It seems like it’s always something, and it can be exhausting.  So, my only chance at hope is through Christ, and connection with other brothers that understand the struggle. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and staying focused on my next right decision.  It’s my only hope for peace and satisfaction in life. 

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day!

Lagniappe

Welcome Back, Addict

Addict isn't a moniker I use often, but I'm beginning to warm up to it more and more these days.  And this is because I'm beginning to understand what differentiates an addict from everyone else.  My first Silas dubbed himself a "porn addict", and this was +/-15 years ago (well before either of us had even heard of Samson Society).  He described his use of porn akin to brushing his teeth each day in spite of his role as our church's Youth Pastor.  The experience brought him absolutely zero remorse / guilt.  Instead, it was his go-to for that dopamine hit - time & time again.

This man's vocation (spiritual conspicuousness) suffered tremendously as a result, but just as much, his laziness was to blame.  At the time, his sweet wife was more than willing to run their household (they had three small children) while he committed himself to "down time" (Internet porn, online video games, and obsessive Alabama football fandom).  Too, this friend was one of the first to purchase an iPhone (for both he & his wife), making it that much easier to follow through with his MO whilst sitting on his rear end.

But back then, I simply couldn't stomach the word addict combined with Internet porn.  Even if our then Youth Pastor felt no remorse towards his prolific sin.  Instead, what I saw was an enabling combined with nomenclature justification.  Regarding the former, it came from both his wife and his employer (our church), not to mention the culture (ease of access / overall smugness towards porn) and technology itself.

And regarding the latter, I believe he also exploited the term in order to justify his chronic use of Internet porn to that much a greater degree.  So, I truly don't believe he - in particular - was ever addicted to porn.  

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But what about the "porn addict" who's not an enabled lazy bum?  What if he's instead a hyper-involved, overly responsible community servant who just happens to use a steady stream of porn to jack off to regularly?  Add to those descriptors his struggle with general anxiety disorder combined with a markedly different pre-Christian "life" (narrative) than post-Christian.

What about this guy?  Is he truly addicted?

To answer this question, you must know that this guy has recently been introduced to a weekly Samson Society (virtual), and as such, he's routinely involving himself in a 30+ member group of seasoned Samson guys.  And this ongoing experience has rocked his world.  He feels like he's found Xanadu, and the communal blessings therein continue to bolster his fortitude against his private vice.

And this is so much so that this guy's even signed up for this fall's 2022 National Samson Society retreat (having only been involved in the Samson community for a few months).   

As a result, his private behaviors have become much more intentionally not regarding sexual sin (because in his mind, they're no longer private, thanks to his virtual Samson community).  To add to that, he's even beginning to recognize how his behavior impacts (even if it's the tiniest bit) the community he's now found himself a part of.  And this motivates him to stop seeing himself as singular / lonely / isolated / removed / pariah.  Thanks be to God.

I have no idea if this guy is an addict.  The jury is still out.

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A couple of three weeks ago, an old friend telephoned me out of the blue.  I first connected with this guy decades ago whilst architecting.  From our very first juncture, I was absolutely intrigued by this dude.  He was handsome, intelligent, articulate yet so very reserved and formal, almost to the point of Victorian.  At the time, I'd no idea what it meant for anyone - much less someone like him - to be so deeply ashamed of your / their past.  Therefore, I didn't recognize it, or if I did, I chose not to see it.  Instead, I just assumed he was wired a bit differently than most (if not everyone else I'd met up to that point in time).

Alcoholism is / has been quite the destructive force within my old friend's ancestry.  He once told me that his parents chose to marry due to their "compatibility" relative to drinking (they were drinking buddies).  He also shared that at one point during his childhood (growing up in Yazoo City), he and his sister found themselves going door to door, pleading with their tone-deaf neighbors to intervene back at their home.  He went on to say that he and sis desperately feared that their father would beat their mother to death, all in a fit of alcohol-fueled rage.  Hence, their motivation to forlornly seek help. 

It was during my old friend's grad school days (in Iowa) where life for him truly went off the rails.  So much so that were it not for his mother's instinctual rescue, he'd likely have ended up dead.  Alcohol played a sizable role therein.

Yesterday, he spent an hour or so with me here at the house.  By his account, he's +/-100 days sober.  Regular AA meetings combined with his sponsor combined with group and individual therapy sessions are critically important for him to stay sober.  Even today, as a mid 50s man, he's monetarily / emotionally dependent on his mother.  Yet, he's at peace with that lack of autonomy, knowing full well how destructive his alcohol-fueled - independent - forays can be.  

In my opinion, this old friend is most definitely an addict.  For it is a chemical substance he's craving.  One that's administered via drink.  I welcome him with open arms back into my life.  Thanks be to God.

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What drew me to viewing Internet porn at work, eventually leading to my termination from Delta State University in September of 2013?  First off, up to that point in time (& even whilst living in Cleveland), I only had readily available access to gay porn at work.  That combined with so much of my behavior being fueled by intense curiosity, relative to what the Internet had in store for me, partially answers the aforementioned question.  Beyond that, it eventually became apparent that consuming gay porn at work had become a risk-taking adventure.  An adventure that drew me in as much as the salacious imagery itself. 

For it's through risk-taking that I experience tangible feelings of masculinity.  Especially if the risk-taking behavior is externally non-descript (shockingly out of character) yet internally capricious.  Viewing gay porn (of all things for a married, Christian man to be looking at!) fit the bill perfectly in that regard.  

Now, that being said, I experienced tremendous amounts of guilt for both wasting my employers' time and risking the destruction of my Christian witness (I wrote about this extensively on my many years now defunct personal blog).  Also, gay porn's draw to me was definitely proportional to how uninterested in my work I happened to be.  In essence, monotony / fatigue did me no favors in this regard.  

Therefore, I most definitely wasn't an addict.  I was / am more like my former Youth Pastor friend.

I was curious, bored whilst languishing over the sin-laden rush I'd receive via my masculine-feeling ruse.  It was as simple as that.

Small Man's Sexual Prowess / Coitus Resume Levels The Playing Field

I had the most eye-opening conversation yesterday.  It put so much needed perspective on the affirming power of intercourse for small men.  Plus, it deeply impressed upon me how differently I would view intercourse if:

1.  I had ever viewed myself as a small man.

2.  I'd had frequent, intensely pleasurable intercourse as a boy.

Now, full disclosure.  When Rob looks internally, Rob sees a void.  Invisible.  Most men aren't like Rob.  Instead, most men see themselves in comparison to other men, and that has a lot to do with how other men treat them in kind.

For those men who see themselves as physically diminutive, I'm convinced that their sexual prowess can, in their eyes, level the playing field.  And I suppose this originates from coitus itself, taken from the standpoint of being allowed / granted the opportunity to participate.  And that participation "entrance exam" consisting of an unspoken belief in the small man's credentials therein.  In other words, if he's chosen, it's not instinctual (in heat).  No, if he's chosen - HE - it's because she CHOOSES all of him to rock her world.

In essence, because "small man's" in fact small (there's no denying that), perhaps there's the belief that his sexual prowess overcompensates / makes up for his stature (in his mind), or to take that a step further, he may even see it as his very own superpower / McGuffin.

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Are strip clubs frequented moreso by small men?  And if so, is it because strip clubs denature or strip away the patrons' figurative (everyday) qualities and only leave behind their sexual prowess?  What about massage parlors?  Both of these places are filled with beautiful, sexy women who're identifying / adjudicating the male patrons discriminately through (one of a handful) the lens of their sexual prowess.  

If a stripper feels drawn to small men, that's perfectly okay with him because there's the assumption that her attraction negates / marginalizes his stature and only considers his sexual prowess (holistically). 

Where can a small man certainly NOT BE OVERLOOKED within the world of men he inhabits - day in and day out?  Certainly not (from his perspective) at church or work or on the golf course / at the gym.  Where then?

A world where his unique toolset of sexual prowess equalizes.  Especially if his lasered-into-his-brain sex resume points all the way back to his childhood (when he first had intercourse a dozen or so times with his girlfriend on her parents' couch).  For he was only sixteen years-old then with a height of 5'-7" and weight of 110 lbs.  Hence, he was no doubt small, but seduced into pumping that beautiful thing full of semen over and over and over again.  And this girl knew exactly what she wanted from her small boyfriend.  AND HE ADORED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

And this is where coitus short-circuited his boy brain, giving his sexuality, as a young man, an elevated, domineering platform (wickedly unhealthy bias) from which to peer down from. 

And even now, as a middle-aged man, his sexuality is still on that platform, elevated above everything else.  It is the primary identifier of value, worth, and it's directly / primarily linked to small man's relationship with women (by far the most important gender).  ALBEIT EVERY SINGLE ATTRACTIVE (TO HIM) WOMAN ON PLANET EARTH.  Whether it's his wife, girlfriend, co-worker.  Any woman that he's either had intercourse with or senses would be interested - even in the slightest - of having a sexual relationship with small man.  For she holds the key to legitimizing him emotionally via her willingness to take part in a sexual exchange.

In the end, this is what draws him again and again back to the strip club / whorehouse / massage parlor / phone sex numbers / emotional affairs.  There's a justification there that perfectly synchronizes with his need for feeling loved / accepted in a manner he can interpret.

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Years ago, I met my first small man (by his own definition).  And to me, he wouldn't necessarily qualify as such, but he had been a lean, wiry boy and that self-loathing sorta stuck therein.  This man was brilliant, hard-working, articulate, but none of those attributes could overwrite / compete introspectively with his "smallness".  Every fiber of his being was consistently wrestling with this notion of not measuring up physically.  And oh my goodness, did it ever fuel the commiserate hyper-competitive, hyper-critical cynic that he was.  He was literally in bondage to himself.

By my standards, his height was certainly normal (well above average), but overall, he definitely was built lean.  Not surprisingly, this young man loved John Mayer's music, and of course, had John Mayer been a muscled-up "douchebag" (his words), his opinion of his music would have been decidedly different.

I have to wonder how old Mr. John Mayer was when he was first seduced into pumping that beautiful thing full of semen over and over and over again.  Maybe sixteen?

I'm going to be thinking about this all weekend.

I'm so fortunate to have had that dialogue with my small man friend.  

All of this is testimony to the confidence inspiring, wretchedly distorting power of coitus.

And btw, this is what our present-day culture presents as the standard for men (he even gives off electrical sparks he's so hot):

Check out the picture-perfect lighting on those waxed pecs / abs / arms.  This is what you call depression through entertainment.  

& btw, I have a hard time imagining Thor frequenting strip clubs (unless he himself is performing).  

Lagniappe

A Gesture Towards Putting Off Boyish Things

The Bible speaks of putting off "boyhood / childish things".  Why?

Because if you don't, those things will run counter to your own spiritual maturity as a Christian.  And that's the keyword here:  maturity.  Arguably, mostly via time wasting.

Most individuals who experience same-sex attraction (& be forewarned; I'm making a stereotypical statement here) are avid entertainment aficionados.  Whether it's television or film, social media or video games, music or theater.  Most know every entertainer, every lyric, every cover, re-make and spin-off because they marinate in it 24/7/365.  If you've ever wondered why corporate America duly embraces homosexuality, it all points back to the Almighty Dollar.  In other words, it can only help their bottom line to tow the cultural party line.    

Speaking of same-sex attracted men, here's a few fun facts:

A number of authors argue that same-sex attracted men are perpetually "stuck" within their youth relative to truly legitimizing their God-breathed sexuality.  

Fathers who struggle with SSA sometimes claim that rearing their sons allows them opportunities to resolve this emotional immaturity vicariously.

Again, the Bible speaks too "throwing / putting off" boyish things.

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Our pastor sometimes cites "the filth" that he and his wife screen on their television.  Too, he'll actually call out (on rare occasion) the congregation (in so many words) relative to his innocuous (heavy) social media involvement.  Out of the other side of his mouth, he'll preach an expository sermon each Sunday.  

And this juxtaposition isn't uncommon amongst Christians, though hopefully it's anomalous amongst pastors (ours) for it runs counter to scripture's commands. 

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Comic books were my upper elementary / middle school hobby.  Starting out with "Richie Rich" as an elementary student, I eventually moved to "The New Teen Titans".  From there, I read "Wonder Woman" and "Crisis on Infinite Earths" 'till eventually I was shopping at the local comic bookstore (in Ridgeland), spending way too much money than I should have been on all manner of "independently published" mags ("Dreadstar").

I kept these treasured newsprint gems in individual plastic baggies that looked like Ziplocs with no zipper before eventually amassing them all together within an empty Chick-A-Fil waffle fry box.  

My best friend, at the time, who also adored these little cartoon newsstand leaflets, soon took his hobby into overdrive.  He did this by establishing an "account" at the aforementioned comic bookstore.  Therein, they - in real time - physically accrued his favorite titles on his behalf (like a prepubescent P.O. Box).

Once I witnessed this over-the-top consumptive behavior, I chose to put the brakes on my overzealous comic book hobby.

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I remember, like it was yesterday, identifying the young man whom I'd be gifting my comic book stash.  Immediately prior to the handoff, I neatly organized each title, putting them in chronological order and separating them via neatly labeled cardstock dividers.  

I didn't actually make the drop face-to-face.  Instead, I simply put the waffle fry box in his disheveled bedroom and walked away (I was a friend of his father).  Walker (the recipient) was around 16 at the time.  I suppose I shouldn't have expected a thank-you note.  Nonetheless, it never did arrive.   

In the end, I have thought about those comic books an awful lot.  Wondering what it would be like to leaf through their many pages once again, or perhaps gift them to my children / grandchildren.  

And I believe that's to be expected.  Nonetheless, I've never regretted gifting them to my young Brookhaven friend.  For when I looked at him (at the time), I saw where I was departing / maturing (away) from.  Hence, he now bore a significant reminder of my youth inside that french fry box.    

Is there a boyish pastime (or relics therein) you'd benefit from jettisoning?  Something perhaps, that represents well, who you once were as a child?  If so, it should be something that you truly wish to hang on to throughout your adult life (as a means to look back and remember).  

Locate a young man to gift that to today, and from there, follow through.  No matter how much it pangs you to do so.

Processes like these are sure signs of maturation.