Return
Jesus’ parable commonly known as “The Prodigal Son” is a tale highlighting the nature of sinful man, both in open rebellion and in quiet religious piety. It is also a story revealing the heart of the Father. The parable is recorded in Luke 15 as the ultimate story of three lost things. In this case, it was a lost son, or perhaps two. I will take time to briefly outline the story, but if you are unfamiliar with it, go read it for yourself.
In the story, the younger son goes off with his portion of the family fortune and wastes his life, and money on sinful pleasures. A famine produces an economic downturn and the Prodigal Son finds himself with no money, no friends and no prospects in a land that is not his home. In an act of desperation he takes a job feeding pigs for a local farmer. This was no job any self respecting Jewish man would have ever done, but he had lost all respect for himself. Loss of self-respect is common in addiction. His hunger drove him to envy even the pigs he fed because their life seemed to be better than his own. As he hit rock bottom in the pig stye Jesus says When he came to his senses… I love that phrase.
The prodigal in the pig stye came to his senses and thought, “my father’s servants have a better life than the one I’m living. I will humble myself and return to my father’s house and tell him I’m no longer worthy to be his son. Maybe he’ll let me stay on as a servant. It would be better than this.” The son set out for his father’s house. When he was still a long way off his father who habitually looked for him saw him and ran to greet him welcoming him home. The son delivered his rehearsed speech about becoming a servant. The father refused, he would have none of it. Instead, he welcomed him back as if receiving him back from the dead, threw a party including butchering the fatted calf (think slaughtered animal to recover sin) and all made merry.
This is how God treats each prodigal who wanders away in rebellion to do their own thing. When we have sense enough to return to His goodness He welcomes us back, recovers us and restores.
After our meeting in the park we went home, I slept on the couch and things were very tense between us. My wife went into “fix my husband mode” and suggested we see a counselor. She arranged for us to visit with a counsellor virtually who had experience with sexual addiction. Our first session with him was not encouraging at all. My wife’s expectation was that I needed to get delivered from this affliction like it was some kind of demon possession or something. The counselor’s expectation was that our marriage would most likely fail because in his estimation it was a high-risk marriage. My expectation was hoping that all could go back to the way it was before. Only the counselor was right.
In our second, and last, session with the counselor he advised me to find a group of men struggling with similar issues and join it. He said this was not something I could do on my own. He told my wife that she could not be the one to fix me. I had to do that myself. We still went to deliverance meetings at various churches, but I never got set free like she hoped. I reached out to a college friend of mine who had a similar story to mine and was now a licensed counselor in another state. I shared with him what was going on and he agreed to help me. I began to meet virtually with him and work on my recovery. I found a group meeting locally and joined it. My recovery had begun, I had no idea it would take so long to find freedom and sustained sobriety. But I was on the path.
At home things between my wife and I were still tense. We could not even carry on a conversation without me getting defensive. She would randomly show up at the places where I worked, she would say she was just in the neighborhood, but I knew from the feeling in my gut that felt just like when she suddenly appeared from behind me in the gym, that she was spying on me to see if I was looking at other women. She suggested that I submit to a lie detector test, because she said she couldn’t trust that I was telling her all the truth. She probably thought that if I was addicted to porn I must be cheating on her as well. But I wasn’t, apart from porn. In her mind it was all the same. The lie detector test was extremely humbling, but I wanted to save our marriage and was willing to do whatever I could to make that happen. I think she was disappointed that the results came back that indeed all that I told her was true. Her trust in me broken, and no proof from the lie detector test, she decided that her best option was to take our virtual counselor’s advice and enter into a trial separation. Three months after the revelation and recovery began she boarded a plane to stay with her daughter’s family in another country 8,000 miles away.
I no longer had to sleep on the couch, but sleeping in our bed alone really sucked. I went to work, went to my son’s football games, sold furniture to pay the rent, and worked on my recovery. I took an assessment that classified me as a sex addict. A SEX ADDICT??? What the… I had never, I mean never, thought that my on again, off again relationship with pornography was an addiction. I mean, I had never had an affair, never bought a prostitute, never been to an adult store, never looked at child porn, I mean come on! But the assessment revealed that my patterns and history and willingness to jeopardize my job by looking at porn on a work computer sealed the deal. I had to admit to myself that what I thought I had under control was out of control. I was deceived.
There was about a 12 hour time difference between where my wife was and where I was. It was symbolic of the differences between us. Her morning was my evening and vice versa. This gave us very little opportunity to communicate virtually face to face, so most of the rare communication was through email. Shortly after she arrived for what was supposed to be a three-month trial separation she called to say that the family had invited her to go with them on their Christmas holiday. This meant that the three-month trial separation had been extended to six months. She was controlling this whole thing and I had no leg to stand on, so I had to say ok.
One day, about three months along, she called to ask if it were ok for her to come home. I thought, “You’re asking me if it's ok that you come home?” I said, “Of course it’s ok, I never wanted you to leave in the first place.” A few days later I met her at the airport with welcome home balloons. She was home, but that didn’t mean everything was ok. She told me the thing that changed her mind was talking with a pastor who told her that her place was with her husband. So she decided he was right and came home. But that didn’t mean she trusted me. Trust was shattered and even though we were both willing to give our marriage and each other another chance, neither of us knew how hard walking it out was going to be.
Relapse
As time went by our wounds began to scab over, but not really heal. I continued to work, and my wife started a business with a product she invented and developed. We became involved in a new church, seeking to have somewhat of a fresh start. Our lives and marriage seemed to be getting better as did my recovery. After a while I stopped attending group meetings in favor of church involvement. I also stopped talking with my sponsor as often. It seemed to me like my life and freedom didn’t really depend on that as much anymore. I was ripe for relapse.
As I had done many times in the past I went for months in a period of abstinence or sobriety from using porn. But I hadn’t yet discovered the why that fed my addiction. Many times those struggling with addictive behaviors are only masking and medicating a deeper issue. The behavior that gets you in the door is not the real issue. This takes a lot of self evaluation and hard emotional work in recovery to determine why you medicate your pain with the particular destructive behavior. I originally entered my recovery journey in an effort to get fixed or delivered. I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted a magic silver bullet. I was doing recovery for the wrong reasons. I was ripe for a relapse.
One day, I was working in one of the grocery stores I worked in and making my rounds I turned the corner and found myself on the beer aisle. I remember saying to God in my mind, “God, thank you that I don’t struggle with this.” What I meant was that all my life alcohol had never been an issue for me. I didn’t grow up around people who drank, I didn't hang around people who drank, I had tried it before, but it was just sort of flat line for me, I could take it or leave it. Lust, however, had a hook in me that I could not unlodge. My prayer was out a place of gratitude that since lust and pornography had such a hold on me, I was relieved that I didn’t have to fight against the temptation of alcohol like so many people do.
I remember hearing the still small voice of God in my spirit. It was like He said, “In the same way you don’t struggle with this (beer), I can set you free from what you do struggle with.” This revelation exploded in my spirit! I thought, “Wow, I can really be free? Like I have no desire for alcohol, I can have no desire for lust and porn?” This thought was incredulous to me, I had never imagined myself free. I thought I would have to struggle and fight to resist temptation for the rest of my life. But here God was saying he could make it a non-issue. Wow! I shared what came to be known as “the beer aisle revelation” with my wife and my accountability partner. We were all encouraged.
I had an opportunity to give my testimony about all this at our church. Being transparent about my sin and failures was incredibly fearful, shameful, humbling and incredibly freeing. I felt as if I had glorified God in doing it.
Forgiveness is one thing, healing is another. 1 John 1:9 says, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. That is forgiveness; confessing to God and receiving His forgiveness. James 5:16 says, Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. That is healing; confessing, not just to God, but to one another. We must be willing to be open and transparent to one another about our issues in order to be healed. For years I made the mistake of thinking I needed to deal with my private sin just between me and God. That’s why I never had freedom or healing. We are not meant to recover alone. We need community.
After my testimony my accountability partner told me, “On the beer aisle you knocked the giant down. Today you cut his head off with his sword.”
Relapse is common to recovery. I’ve discovered the hard way that the road of recovery is sometimes a two steps forward, one step backward journey. Even though God was offering me freedom I had not yet done the hard work of self evaluation to discover why I was so prone to porn, and before long I was right back at it as if I had never made any progress. Proverbs 26:11, As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. My deception had made me a fool and I was repeating my folly.
When my youngest son graduated from high school and went off to college I started sleeping in his room because my wife had trouble sleeping with me because of my snoring. In my son’s room I found myself in a familiar lonely place feeling like I couldn’t control what was happening to me and like many times before I returned to the vomit of using porn to make it seem like I had control over something. I couldn’t control my snoring, I couldn’t control my wife’s response to it. I felt somewhat rejected in the fact that something I had no control over was being held against me. I relapsed and returned to porn.
I had knocked the giant down, cut off his head with his sword and now I was trying to give mouth to mouth resuscitation to the severed head. I was trying to bring back to life something Jesus had died to free me from.
I believe there is a moment of clarity in each recovery journey where God peels back the layers of self-deception and we can see things, see ourselves, as we truly are. This moment came for me when my wife point blank asked me, “You’re scratching the itch again, aren’t you?” I knew I had been caught again. I was afraid to come clean. I feared the consequence because she had already given me the ultimatum, “If you ever do it again, we’re done.” So, I stalled. After three days of avoiding each other and walking on eggshells around one another, I finally admitted that I had indeed been looking at porn again. There was no emotion this time, no wailing, just a look that seemed to say, “I knew it.” Another three days passed and she announced to me, “We’re done.” I asked, “Does that mean I need to leave?” She replied, “Either you do or I will.” Since we were living in a house that belonged to her daughter, and since I was the offender, I felt like I should go. I packed two suitcases and went to stay with my sister in another state.
My sister made it clear to me that I was welcome, but that my stay would not be indefinite. My hope was to reconcile with my wife, so that was fine with me. Ironically, one of my friends from back home called me and wanted to get my advice. He and his wife were having problems and he wanted to ask me about what I thought about them separating. I told him I probably wasn’t the one to give advice on this since my marriage was on the rocks again. He and his wife picked me up two days later, took me into their home, gave me a vehicle to drive and helped me get back on my feet while I tried to salvage my marriage. I stayed with them for three months.
My wife had made up her mind and there was no going back. In her mind we were through. I was fighting to win her back, but the walls around her heart were high and well fortified. She was not going to let me hurt her again.
After five months of me trying all I could think to do to change her mind she suggested divorce. DIVORCE! I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would ever be divorced. It was one of those things I didn't even believe in. How could two people who are professing Christians, who have been given the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18) ever agree to a divorce citing irreconcilable differences? When she suggested divorce is when I hit rock bottom. A few days later, on our seventh wedding anniversary, I agreed to it.
This moment of clarity where God peeled back the layers of self-deception allowed me to see the absolute mess I had made attempting to live for God, and live for my own sinful selfish pleasure at the same time. This duplicity was not to be tolerated, by my wife or certainly not God. Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. I had been deceived, now I was reaping what I had sown. I saw myself for what I truly was, a porn addict who had thrown away everything precious in his life. Pathetic.
Resist
After living with my friend for three months, I had been able to get my old job back, put away enough money to get on my own and bought from him the truck he had been allowing me to use. I found a small apartment that I could afford and moved in. I realized that for the first time in my whole life I was living alone. I had roommates in college. I married for the first time one month after I graduated. When she passed away after twenty-five years my sons were living with me. I remarried and now after all my sons were out of the house, my marriage had ended in divorce and I was alone.
Another friend offered me a second job, and to make ends meet I agreed. Now I was working 55 to 60 hours per week and living in a 564 square foot apartment by myself. I had a lot of time for reflection. I met with a counselor to work through the divorce process. I was hurt, I felt rejected, I was lonely, but for the first time in my life I was also hopeful that God was indeed setting me free.
I nicknamed my small apartment the “cocoon” because I felt like God was leading me into this secluded, bare-bones kind of place in order for me to emerge as a new creation. During my days in the cocoon I worked. I worked two jobs, I worked on my recovery, I worked on self evaluation. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I was thinking about. For a guy, this can be exhausting. I worked to pick up the pieces of the life I had shattered.
I returned to my support group and was received with a general attitude of “we knew you’d be back.” Sometimes others see us more clearly than we see ourselves. After I had been to the weekly meeting a few times, they could see a difference in me and we all knew I was back for the right reasons. I felt as if my recovery might really work this time. Being in community, being able to share a common journey has helped me resist. They have helped me not give mouth to mouth to the giant’s severed head.
Recovering from an addiction to porn involves rewiring neural-pathways in your brain. We condition ourselves with visual stimulation which then releases chemicals in your brain. This is what makes the use of porn so addictive. Like any substance abuse the feeling gets less and less effective, so the addict needs more and more of the substance, or stronger substances to achieve the same “high”.
There have been recent scientific breakthroughs in neuroplasticity that support the idea that the brain can indeed be rewired. The brain can actually heal itself. The work of recovery is allowing your brain to heal, as well as your spirit and soul, so that you don’t have the same neural pathway messaging each time there is a visual stimulus.
When I was in active addiction I felt powerless, and hopeless. Each time I had a lustful thought or was triggered by some visual stimuli I knew eventually I would fall into sin because I would dwell on that thought and later act on it by using porn resulting in masturbaiton. This had been my pattern of defeat for as long as I could remember. I felt enslaved. I felt like I had no choice.
But as I learned about renewing my mind as part of the Holy Spirit’s work of sanctification in my life, I was able to resist more and more. This resistance not only built up my spirit-man, but allowed my brain to build new pathways, so I didn’t have to go down the same mental path each time.
Most weight training is all about muscle resistance. We build muscle when there is a force resisting it. What I had to learn is that recovery involves building the muscle needed to resist. I had that power to resist because God had already declared me free. I was no longer a slave, chained to unwanted behavior. I indeed was free. The giant had been knocked down, his head had been cut off and I didn’t need to try to revive it any longer.
In the cocoon I meditated on Psalm 23 and The Lord’s Prayer. I noticed a pattern in these two passages of how God cares for us daily. Each day there is quiet water, green pastures and daily bread. Each day there is forgiveness as we forgive. Each day there is power and ability to be delivered from evil and temptation. His presence is near even when we walk through things where death casts its shadow over us. We are able to sit and eat in peace even in the presence of our enemies. His goodness and mercy are our daily companions.
I wrote an affirmation that I repeat every morning. I quote the 23rd Psalm, The Lord’s Prayer, Colossians 2:20 and Philippians 4:19 and then I quote, from memory my affirmation. It flows like this:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me on paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
And even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for You are with me,
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies,
You anoint my head with oil,
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed by your name.
Your Kingdom come, Your will be done,
On earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For yours is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory, forever. Amen.
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live, I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
And my God shall supply all of my needs, according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Today the story continues, His mercies are new this day.
God is the author of my story.
I am running the race marked out for me, not living the life I strive to arrange for myself.
I am on a pilgrimage, this is not my home. There is adventure in the journey.
I am in a battle. This battle/journey is a love affair in the midst of a life and death struggle. I have an enemy and a lover of my soul, who are both after my heart.
Life is not a problem to be solved, it is an adventure to be lived.
I am not alone; my Good Shepherd is leading towards his chosen destination and providing fellow pilgrims to accompany me along every stretch of the road.
I am promised joy in the journey. He makes beauty out of my ashes. I will be on the lookout for this joy. I will embrace it, possess it and celebrate it when it comes.
My purpose, my chief end, is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
I am fully known, truly loved, completely forgiven, unconditionally accepted and wholeheartedly approved of.
When He thinks of me He smiles, leaps up, spins around and bursts into song.
This God is not only the author of my story, He is the finisher.
This fact gives me great reason to hope, because I know Him to be good.
Today the story continues.
I knew my ability to resist temptation and sin was renewable each day. His mercies are new each day. My sobriety or abstinence is only the string of days I put together back to back consecutively. God’s dominion added to my discipline decimated my addiction. I knew I could be free one day at a time. I knew I was powerless to overcome this addiction in and of my own efforts to resist. I had failed and relapsed and returned time and time again. As I humbled myself before my recovery brothers and confessed my sin to them, as I humbled myself before the Lord and asked him daily to deliver me from evil I was able to put together a string of days that I could foresee being perpetual. As long as I stayed humble, knowing that sin was crouching at the door, seeking to devour me I was able to be free, one day at a time.
My white knuckle efforts to resist temptation and sin had never worked before. I feared God’s judgement and viewed conviction as punishment. When I humbled myself and was able to see myself as a beloved son of God, in spite of my struggle, I was able to receive his love, receive his correction and walk in freedom.
Recompense
Another step in the recovery journey is to make amends for damage you have caused with your addiction. I admit that this step is one I struggle with. In my group we talk about how if direct amends are impossible or inadvisable, we demonstrate our repentance in other ways. I sought to make amends for the damage I caused before my wife filed for divorce. Since then I feel as if the door to that is closed and I will never be able to reconcile a relationship forever shattered. Only God can do something like that. I have sought recompense with other relationships I have where my sin has caused damage and have received love and forgiveness. It is completely liberating.
Redemption
Redemption is the action of regaining possession of something in exchange for payment. In essence, God used the life of his Son as the purchase price to buy back my life from enslavement to sin and the kingdom of darkness. We usually think about redemption as the act of salvation itself, but as it relates to sanctification, the continuation of the salvation process, God is always at work redeeming me from the sins and strongholds of my past attempts to live apart from Him. This is what recovery is all about. I am being recovered, redeemed, bought back from a life a slavery and besetting sin. Not only is my citizenship in heaven, my eternal destination, but God wants me to enjoy the abundance of life with him now, free and unfettered.
One thing God revealed to me about my own journey is that early in my life I abdicated legitimate desire in the interest of putting His desires ahead of my own; not my will, but yours be done. This constant repression of desire created a vacuum where legitimate desire, God given desire should have been. The enemy filled that vacuum with pornography. My legitimate desire was hijacked and perverted by lust. This robbed me of my legitimate purpose in life and damaged relationships along the way. However, the truth of my past does not negate the power of redemption in my present and future. God is continuing to heal me in these areas of desire and purpose as He relentlessly pursues me. He is teaching me to live within my own story and show forth His redemption as I reveal my brokeness, allowing me to live for a bigger story.
