Thursday, July 1, 2021
Tuesday, June 29, 2021
A Lovely Poem (From A Samson Friend)
At the basis of humanity
The need to feel, the need to love
Awakening of the senses insideThe closest to communion with God above
We come into this world at first
So refreshingly simple and unblemished
The world takes away and scolds us
The purity of trust becomes slowly diminished
The dichotomy of life and relationships
We are attracted to things beautiful and unique
But these defining traits, attractive to some
Are most often the targets of harsh critique
There are many that try to help our lives
By pruning and scolding, trying to do good
The constant pounding of good intentions
Make us long to feel understood
The winner of the rat race is in the end still a rat
A contest of sinners and failures needing grace
The mercy bestowed by the ultimate sacrifice
Is the only thing freeing us from keeping pace
Lord in the depth of the thick drudgery of life
Grant me a precious few who will speak truth to my soul
And God please give me the strength to die to self
And the kindness to feed others the love that makes us whole
Men Trending Underneath The Banner Of Disappointment / Frustration
All of us experience disappointment and frustration. It's a result of having expectations and those expectations not being met. As a man in my early 30s, I vividly recall the last 2-3 years of my tenure at an architectural firm here in Jackson. I was extremely disappointed in so much (multifaceted) of what that job represented to me at that point in time, and in fact, I was also using that disappointment as an excuse / fuel to sin (in the form of chronic lust via Internet porn use).
But too, combined with all this, was how circumstantially I'd found myself tempted to sin (at work). Therefore, all of that made for a very challenging few years there at that particular place of employment.
As a result of all this, I knew I needed to move on. So much so, in fact, that I even looked (& prepared) for an entirely new vocation away from architecture entirely.
And this is where disappointment and frustration can be productive, helpful tools of God, teaching and guiding us through firsthand experience.
From there, a state government job came to fruition, and though it was far from perfect, I banked my appreciation of my new job on what I absolutely did not miss from my previous one. And this is how disappointment / frustration should and certainly can work to one's advantage.
-------------------------
But what of those individuals who tend to stay within a consistent loop of disappointment / frustration? Perhaps pertaining to far more than their work. What if this bent towards disappointment / frustration revolves around many, if not all, of the relationships they are part of? Also, what if it applied to their church? Their marriage? And so forth.
Over the past few decades, we've come to be more and more dependent / expectant of the ubiquity of customization - down to every minutiae - relative to every aspect of our lives. From the food we eat to the clothes we wear to the people we interact with to the gender / hair / eye color of the child (invitro fertilization) we choose to parent. And this is all quite gee whiz, but what comes alongside all of this opportunity for customization also comes two things. One, the tendency to be disenfranchised quite easily - with all manner of things, and two, the powerfully impressionable notion that IT'S ALL ABOUT MY NEEDS / MY DESIRES / MY WANTS and how they're specifically being met.
Thusly creating some men who tend to gravitate towards disappointment / frustration as their default. All the freaking time. Kinda like having a toddler's outlook.
Therefore, these cyclical feelings of disappointment / frustration become the norm for them (& everyone they interact with), therefore circumstantial maturation may be thwarted due to this juvenile outlook regarding just about everything.
As such, for those of us who endear towards these individuals - friends / spouses / children, we're put in a tough spot. For we know if we question this temperamental cycle of disappointment / frustration, we may very well be labeled reflexively, and from there, cast aside as "yesterday's disappointing / frustrating mistake".
-------------------------
I find that guys who're within the camp that I've described above are often habitual justifiers relative to porn, drug, alcohol usage because of this predisposition towards disappointment / frustration.
I hurt to see guys - seemingly programmed by our few decades past gee whiz culture - to have a modus operandi as such.
-------------------------
Yesterday, I had a friend ask me over lunch if I'd take the opportunity - if given - to have my homosexual urges removed forever. This is a difficult question to both ask and answer. I told him no, I wouldn't. And my rationale for that choice is twofold. Firstly, I've already asked repeatedly (when I was a teenager), and they didn't cease to be. Secondly, as a result of that, it taught me to build upon that particular long-term disappointment / frustration, changing my outlook permanently.
And what I mean by that is recognizing how particularly wonderful being burdened / neutered - so to speak - truly can be. For you learn to trust in Christ to carry your brokenness both figuratively and literally (at times), and as a result it serves as a constant reminder of why we were called to be Christians in the first place (to surrender ourselves wholeheartedly & in turn serve others in lieu of ourselves).
From there, situations / individuals who end up not meeting my / our expectations, I find, are given more grace than they otherwise would be. For I too was / am shown grace that originated initially in me being lassoed in by the gospel of Jesus Christ in tandem with my conviction relative to my chronic sin.
In closing, one other positive attribute to being consistently disabled by some version of a spiritual thorn is how it forces you / us to make peace with your pain. Oftentimes, I believe, those who're predisposed to disappointment / frustration seem to be hyper-sensitive to discomfort / pain, and therefore tend to look immediately for some version of an escape in tandem with chronic complaining.
I'm not sure where this hyper sensitivity comes from, but it reeks of immaturity.
May God help us all to properly differentiate between fully communicative (& therefore) helpful disappointment / frustration and that which is simply a kneejerk reaction to circumstances that bring us / take us into a season not necessarily of our choosing.
Saturday, June 26, 2021
Best Quality Porn Is Mainstream(ed) Porn - Look No Further Than Netflix
The first time I had the privilege of serving as a Covenant Eyes' accountability partner for another man was +/-10 years ago. And this experience was stressful to say the least. For this man was a pastor yet also a heavy, heavy, heavy Internet user. And back then, Covenant Eyes offered little to no insight to us - so called accountability partners - regarding the emotional pragmatics relative to managing the implied responsibility baked into our roles.
I remember specifically reaching my apex of stress when I received a Covenant Eyes' weekly report that had line-itemed the pilot episode of one particular (thinly veiled) Starz porn series. From there, I did some presumptuous clicking, and was in awe of what my friend had consumed.
For this was Hollywood-grade porn. And I'd never seen anything of the sort.
First and foremost, its top-tier production values made for an extraordinarily fantastical video. I can remember seeing so many stunningly beautiful breasts. So many simulated orgy scenes. So many gang rape scenes. And on and on. And the actors throughout were extraordinarily beautiful. The breasts were gorgeous. The asses were perfect. The faces attached to the breasts and asses were so pretty and handsome.
And of course, the sound and lighting and camera angles, and on and on...all of it exponentially increased the merit (& impact) of these mainstream porn productions.
It all left me breathless and speechless. But then I began to wonder - who would participate in such productions? For this was no doubt porn.
What I discovered was the director, Mr. Sam Raimi (Spider-Man movies), had used his notoriety coupled with an overseas filming location & subsequent casting call to make these mainstream porn films with ease.
-------------------------
An old Samson friend lost his second marriage as a result of hiding his "Pay Per View" cable bill from his then wife. They had separate checking accounts, therefore he'd use a portion of his retirement pension income to foot the thousands of dollars in "Pay Per View" fees each month. Comcast provided my friend with similar "high quality" (& discreet) porn viewing experiences that he wholeheartedly embraced - month after month after month. That is, until one day, his then wife happened to come across a rogue Comcast cable bill that was unaccounted for. And it was all downhill from there.
--------------------------
Today, we have Netflix. And Netflix even provides its subscribers with a ranking of what's popularly streamed in glorious high definition - at any hour of the day.
Please, for God's sake, delete your Netflix subscription and cancel your CATV service. Stop supporting these publicly-traded companies. They're worthless garbage. All they're concerned with is making their shareholders $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$, and they know mainstream porn is one of the easiest ways to keep audiences tuned into their screens.
If you're bored at home, read a book, plant a garden, walk your dog, paint a watercolor, write a blog, exercise, sing, dance, memorize scripture, call an old friend, write a letter, take up woodworking, repaint some furniture, learn a second language.
Friday, June 25, 2021
Anticipating the Blue Ridge Samson Society Retreat
Retreating is fantastically rewarding for Rob. Particularly retreating outside of Mississippi. For this provides an opportunity to get out of my familiar setting and engage with Samson guys who're not within - to any degree - my sphere of influence.
The Blue Ridge Samson Society retreat will be co-lead by my first Silas, Mr. Chris Inman, who now resides in Mobile, AL. Chris and I weren't privy to Samson Society +/-10 years ago (when we were each others' Silas), but nonetheless, we developed a friendship that was tantamount to any Silas relationship I've experienced since.
What I look forward to the most is melding into the background of the retreat setting, and from there, observing the guys. Watching their interactions, listening to their dialogue, learning who they are as we're all combined together over the weekend. That to me is a setting for solid healing work. Plus, it provides me with a methodology for capturing emotional memories. Of which I'll draw upon long after the retreat is concluded. Too, I may actually meet a new someone who's willing to dialogue into the future (beyond the retreat weekend). We'll see.
Community is so rare these days. Especially community that's intentionally warranted from the standpoint of neediness.
I realize most men hankering for community do so by hanging with other guys on the golf course, sitting at a sports bar, gambling in Vegas, etc. That's just not for Rob. Instead, I'd rather support a ministry like Samson Society via my attendance to retreats like these, and ultimately receive - again, due to my neediness - far more in return.
Tuesday, June 22, 2021
Angie's Gift / Rob's Reward
The first two years of my marriage to Angie were completely unexpected but also indirectly endearing. Angie spent those years in bondage to the throes of general anxiety disorder while I sat back in awe & pity of how debilitating a mental illness could be to an individual.
Angie's descent (if you will) synchronized with our honeymoon trip to east TN. Therefore, by day three or four, we were both good and ready to return home (for there was no fun to be had in spite of our best efforts).
General anxiety disorder is caused by the brain undeterminably releasing adrenalin in spades, keeping the individual's mind / body within a heightened state of alert for an extended period of time - days and days if not weeks and weeks on end.
As a result of this, Angie, in particular, was consumed with the fear of dying despite her being the picture of perfect health. Therefore, she abhorred being left alone for fear of being assaulted / murdered whilst constantly pondering her impending doom via an "around the corner" imagined health crises (cancer, brain tumor, etc.) of some ilk.
It didn't take me long to realize that it was her brain that was sick, and that with the proper treatment, she could find healing for that particular organ. And once treatment ensued, she did get better. But during this time, all I could do was wait it out, pray and try my darndest to patiently listen to my young wife's constant emotional pain. As a result, I felt helpless but determined to see this crisis through, and in a way, I was grateful to have the opportunity as her newfound husband to "show my stuff".
The resurfacing (if you will) of the Angie I dated / became engaged to happened right at the two year mark, and it happened quickly. From there, she stopped her medication and took an extended break from therapy, having learned coping skills that have been (literally) a lifesaver over the past 25 years.
And, as a result, our marriage then began as expected (at year one) during year three.
-------------------------
One of the greatest virtues of only being sexually attracted to Angie (due to my same sex attraction) is my inability / disinterest in even serendipitously "playing the field". Therefore, during this difficult season at the beginning of our marriage, I found it simple enough to keep my eyes on her the entire time. Never once even fantasizing of the possibility of being married to someone else. And, of course, even then, I knew this was a very special gift indeed.
-------------------------
But what didn't do me any favors during this important developmental season was how isolated I became emotionally - from both myself and my wife - as she attempted to keep her head above the waters of mental illness. For the few individuals I did share her emotional turmoil with simply couldn't relate to what we were in the thick of, and as a result, I ceased opening up to them relative to her ongoing suffering.
In looking back, I believe something which should have taken root in me as Angie's new husband during those important developmental years unfortunately did not. And I believe that something had much to do - on down the road - with me being unable to see myself qualitatively as a proper husband should.
-------------------------
Now, let me speak in general terms here regarding my thoughts on newlywedom.
Those early years of marriage should represent a season of affirmation between spouses as the two merge into - as the Bible describes it - one flesh. This didn't happen between Angie and I. It couldn't. She was too sick, and I was too focused on nursing her through her sickness. As a result, I've really struggled with seeing myself - as her husband - with any clarity whatsoever over the past 25 years. As such, I don't hold any ill will against Angie for this. But, I am keenly aware of how God's working today to repair that damage, in and through my sweet wife and her continued physical recovery from her May 29, 2020 stroke.
-------------------------
Angie's recovery from last year's stroke is truly remarkable, but over the past few weeks, I've seen an uptick in her physical strength and stamina that's literally lit a fire in my gut.
Pre-stroke, Angie would strength train at the Y with me - on occasion, but she never really warmed up to it. It was always apparent that she simply wasn't comfortable there. Plus, sweating for Angie makes her super embarrassed / conscientious.
But today, that's changed. Not only is she more comfortable, but she's willing to work (& subsequently perspire) much harder than I've ever seen her choose to do.
You should know that when she does certain exercises, because of the loss of strength / mobility within her left arm (as a result of her stroke), she looks disabled (or hungover). And this really used to bother her. But today, her strength gains have superseded that shame. One of the coolest things to witness is her on the rowing machine. She's like a CrossFitter, determined to stay ahead of her fellow exercise zealots.
She's also tracking her steps everyday with one of those watches. And though I never really thought much about that in the past, based on what I know today, it's an equally important means to an end.
-------------------------
So how does this impact Rob positively?
Unlike my experience with Angie as my new anxiety-crippled wife 25 years ago, this Angie, I feel I can actually do something to assist. And as such, it assists me. How? By affirming me as her husband. Particularly as it pertains to my passion for strength training and the sacredness (if you will - to me) of the gym. Having her there with me, and seeing her engage as she's been engaging - for her own sake - is remarkably rewarding / affirming to witness.
Therefore, while she's doing her thing on one side of the gymspace, I'm doing my own. Yet, I can't help but know intrinsically where she's at (& not just within the physical space), and as such, I find that I can see myself much more clearly as a result of this newfound duality / synergistic experience.
-------------------------
Last fall, I went with my Silas to a CrossFit competition in south Mississippi. I wasn't there to compete but to observe (only one observer was permitted due to COVID-19 restrictions), and as such, it was a privilege. Throughout the day, I watched with interest as my athletic Silas worked in tandem with his teammate (an old friend from his college days), facing off against 5-6 other 2-man teams. And unsurprisingly, their team of two won the competition!
What that experience did for me was promulgate trust between myself and my Silas. For not only was I on his home turf, but I was sorta formally ushered into his circle of old friends (many of which were on site) via that experience. And that was extremely cool.
But, I don't typically gain visual acuity of me myself by spending time with my Silas. Instead, I tend to focus on him and where he's at presently.
He and I are so similarly tempered that there's not a whole lot that's not already been stated (and heard). Therefore, our time together is just enjoyable for me. Easy. Natural. Unhard. Brotherly.
-------------------------
I want Angie to keep getting stronger, and as such, I want to continue making up for lost time as her new husband. I like seeing myself - finally - as something other than ?.
God is good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)