The first two years of my marriage to Angie were completely unexpected but also indirectly endearing. Angie spent those years in bondage to the throes of general anxiety disorder while I sat back in awe & pity of how debilitating a mental illness could be to an individual.
Angie's descent (if you will) synchronized with our honeymoon trip to east TN. Therefore, by day three or four, we were both good and ready to return home (for there was no fun to be had in spite of our best efforts).
General anxiety disorder is caused by the brain undeterminably releasing adrenalin in spades, keeping the individual's mind / body within a heightened state of alert for an extended period of time - days and days if not weeks and weeks on end.
As a result of this, Angie, in particular, was consumed with the fear of dying despite her being the picture of perfect health. Therefore, she abhorred being left alone for fear of being assaulted / murdered whilst constantly pondering her impending doom via an "around the corner" imagined health crises (cancer, brain tumor, etc.) of some ilk.
It didn't take me long to realize that it was her brain that was sick, and that with the proper treatment, she could find healing for that particular organ. And once treatment ensued, she did get better. But during this time, all I could do was wait it out, pray and try my darndest to patiently listen to my young wife's constant emotional pain. As a result, I felt helpless but determined to see this crisis through, and in a way, I was grateful to have the opportunity as her newfound husband to "show my stuff".
The resurfacing (if you will) of the Angie I dated / became engaged to happened right at the two year mark, and it happened quickly. From there, she stopped her medication and took an extended break from therapy, having learned coping skills that have been (literally) a lifesaver over the past 25 years.
And, as a result, our marriage then began as expected (at year one) during year three.
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One of the greatest virtues of only being sexually attracted to Angie (due to my same sex attraction) is my inability / disinterest in even serendipitously "playing the field". Therefore, during this difficult season at the beginning of our marriage, I found it simple enough to keep my eyes on her the entire time. Never once even fantasizing of the possibility of being married to someone else. And, of course, even then, I knew this was a very special gift indeed.
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But what didn't do me any favors during this important developmental season was how isolated I became emotionally - from both myself and my wife - as she attempted to keep her head above the waters of mental illness. For the few individuals I did share her emotional turmoil with simply couldn't relate to what we were in the thick of, and as a result, I ceased opening up to them relative to her ongoing suffering.
In looking back, I believe something which should have taken root in me as Angie's new husband during those important developmental years unfortunately did not. And I believe that something had much to do - on down the road - with me being unable to see myself qualitatively as a proper husband should.
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Now, let me speak in general terms here regarding my thoughts on newlywedom.
Those early years of marriage should represent a season of affirmation between spouses as the two merge into - as the Bible describes it - one flesh. This didn't happen between Angie and I. It couldn't. She was too sick, and I was too focused on nursing her through her sickness. As a result, I've really struggled with seeing myself - as her husband - with any clarity whatsoever over the past 25 years. As such, I don't hold any ill will against Angie for this. But, I am keenly aware of how God's working today to repair that damage, in and through my sweet wife and her continued physical recovery from her May 29, 2020 stroke.
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Angie's recovery from last year's stroke is truly remarkable, but over the past few weeks, I've seen an uptick in her physical strength and stamina that's literally lit a fire in my gut.
Pre-stroke, Angie would strength train at the Y with me - on occasion, but she never really warmed up to it. It was always apparent that she simply wasn't comfortable there. Plus, sweating for Angie makes her super embarrassed / conscientious.
But today, that's changed. Not only is she more comfortable, but she's willing to work (& subsequently perspire) much harder than I've ever seen her choose to do.
You should know that when she does certain exercises, because of the loss of strength / mobility within her left arm (as a result of her stroke), she looks disabled (or hungover). And this really used to bother her. But today, her strength gains have superseded that shame. One of the coolest things to witness is her on the rowing machine. She's like a CrossFitter, determined to stay ahead of her fellow exercise zealots.
She's also tracking her steps everyday with one of those watches. And though I never really thought much about that in the past, based on what I know today, it's an equally important means to an end.
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So how does this impact Rob positively?
Unlike my experience with Angie as my new anxiety-crippled wife 25 years ago, this Angie, I feel I can actually do something to assist. And as such, it assists me. How? By affirming me as her husband. Particularly as it pertains to my passion for strength training and the sacredness (if you will - to me) of the gym. Having her there with me, and seeing her engage as she's been engaging - for her own sake - is remarkably rewarding / affirming to witness.
Therefore, while she's doing her thing on one side of the gymspace, I'm doing my own. Yet, I can't help but know intrinsically where she's at (& not just within the physical space), and as such, I find that I can see myself much more clearly as a result of this newfound duality / synergistic experience.
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Last fall, I went with my Silas to a CrossFit competition in south Mississippi. I wasn't there to compete but to observe (only one observer was permitted due to COVID-19 restrictions), and as such, it was a privilege. Throughout the day, I watched with interest as my athletic Silas worked in tandem with his teammate (an old friend from his college days), facing off against 5-6 other 2-man teams. And unsurprisingly, their team of two won the competition!
What that experience did for me was promulgate trust between myself and my Silas. For not only was I on his home turf, but I was sorta formally ushered into his circle of old friends (many of which were on site) via that experience. And that was extremely cool.
But, I don't typically gain visual acuity of me myself by spending time with my Silas. Instead, I tend to focus on him and where he's at presently.
He and I are so similarly tempered that there's not a whole lot that's not already been stated (and heard). Therefore, our time together is just enjoyable for me. Easy. Natural. Unhard. Brotherly.
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I want Angie to keep getting stronger, and as such, I want to continue making up for lost time as her new husband. I like seeing myself - finally - as something other than ?.
God is good.
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