Back in 2011, on All Hallow's Eve, I experienced a pivotal moment in my recovery. It was all thanks to my first "Silas" (back then, neither of us were privy to this term) and his strong desire to screen (together) the Gay Cowboy Movie (I was Switzerland regarding).
He was home alone (his wife & three small children had traveled to her parents in Mobile to spend Halloween with them), therefore we had their modest Rankin County abode to ourselves. I'd stopped by Mellow Mushroom restaurant in Flowood on my way there and purchased a large cheese pizza. He and I enjoyed that saturated fat immensely as we emotionally geared up to watch that polarizing 2005 film.
Throughout the +/-90 minutes of screentime, we sat leg-to-leg on their cheap couch, viewing the TV at 45 degrees. As such, experiencing that much close physical contact felt so reassuring and positive that it perfectly queued me up for what excitedly / very bravely came next (& just so you know, I found the film to be hopelessly depressing & unbelievable).
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Andrew Bauman is a shaman moreso than anything else. At least, that was my takeaway from last weekend's 2024 Samson Summit. As such, he's just as much holistically practical as prescribed / clinical. It was so refreshing to experience in light of the standardized recovery story combined with slide deck pointers regarding "how you too might find hope / healing" therapeutically (via talk / group therapy).
The last of his sessions that I was present for involved two hours of "sensory" training, and all of this educating took place via hands-on, one-on-one engagement between random male strangers (us '24 Samson Summit guys). I absolutely loved it, and mostly due to how it confirmed - for me - the outrageousness of pushing through visual barriers (to focus on the other senses) alongside men you can trust in order to properly know / experience holistically life's circumstances themselves.
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Touch can absolutely inform. Circling back to my first Silas' leg (I believe we were both wearing jeans that night) as we screened the Gay Cowboy film, we then went further still (& believe it or not, there was no alcohol involved) at its conclusion.
Having asked him to remove his shirt, I informed my Silas that I was going to touch him for a few minutes. From there, I sat next to him and did something I'd never done before (nor since).
After I'd very intentionally examined his flesh (upright postured front facing torso) with my nervous fingertips, I stood up and reseated myself on the opposite side of the cozy living room.
I remember my him smiling and asking if he could put his shirt back on. I replied assuredly with a "yes".
Immediately following, we didn't discuss what had occurred, yet we both knew it was a game-changer for me.
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I have to admit that I'd kissed this man once (prior to my examination of his muscular, hairy chest and trunk) and ended up following that up with one additional kiss early in '12. Were these kisses passionate? No. They were holy kisses involving no tongue and very little actual lip-to-lip contact between us.
I admit to that here because again, we're focusing on sensory experiences outside of sight.
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Andrew Bauman's unconventional educational session last Saturday, (11/16) evening at Camp Dixie confirmed, whilst reminding me, of how powerfully complementary nontraditional sensory experiences can be.
For as I've disclosed here, I had found personally that touch, with the safest man I knew - at the time - back in 2011 - powerfully / effectively / properly scaled my brain's understanding of physical masculinity (which I'd idolized in the form of the muscular, hairy male for decades). And it did so in such a way that wasn't crude / insulting or involving deviant / sinful behavior.
Today, I'm very intentional about touch. Especially with masculine men that I feel safe with. I doubt I'll ever feel the need to reenact this once-in-a-lifetime examination due to the fire hose of seeing that poured into my synapses on that special Halloween night 13 years ago. Thanks be to God for my first Silas and his courage to be vulnerable / trusting of curious Rob. It put me on a Path of freedom long before I actually stepped into a Samson Society meeting.
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