The summer prior to my sixth-grade year, I was ushered into my inaugural First Baptist Church Jackson "youth group" summer camp experience. The year was 1985 (I was just turning 13 years-old) and the location was Mt. Lebanon, Texas. Overall, it was an absolute blast! Our youth pastor, Rick Ball, was well loved by every student (all ages), therefore the robust attendance therein served as a reflection of his popularity. Of note is the fact that this particular (weeklong + weekend) summer youth camp experience represented / served Protestant churches from all across the country in light of Mr. Dawson McCallister being our loudmouthed ("STILLBORN!!!") evangelist / camp pastor.
I vividly recall responding wholeheartedly to an altar call during this summer camp. My dear friend, Riley Brown, kindly accompanied me down front where Rick was stationed. From there, we made our way up onto an adjacent berm to chat / pray. Though I'd been baptized prior, this was my first genuine, comprehensible (of the gospel as it pertained specifically to Rob) profession of faith.
So why was that? What was it about this setting / timing that was so unique?
Because I knew my depravity to a much greater degree than I did prior (I was baptized as a 4th / 5th grader).
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During that same summer camp, earlier in the week, I was tangibly faced - head on - with my same-sex attraction. In light of all the (young) men (7th-12th) bunking together within one open air bunkhouse / barrack, my only child self experienced some impossible to ignore eye candy (strut-worthy, older, athletically-built teen boys). Hence, I felt ashamed and alone for these feelings seamlessly synchronized with budding sexual fantasies I'd been harboring deep within. Fantasies with men that fit specific masculine archetypes / builds (older, more mature physically, athletically built). All of which had been blown tremendously out of proportion within my boyhood head as protectors / guardians / fans (of a deeply insecure child Rob).
Why did I do this? What made me susceptible therein?
Two things:
1. The terrifying physical changes coming / underway tied to adolescence. Changes which I desperately wanted to reverse / stave off.
2. Not having family (father, brother, mother) I could emotionally trust / lean into. Specifically, both of my parents were still attempting to muddle through the marital rubble resulting from their relatively recent (when I was 10) relational falling out.
3. Having a supercharged imagination that had been primed via all manner of '80s entertainment + action figures. In essence, boyRob co-existed within the real world and his own highly captivating fantasy world (whether or not it was sexually explicit).
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The other big component of my newfound faith in Jesus Christ as a boy, for such a time as that, was aimed squarely at Jesus as my lead. Becoming a disciple, following his teachings, all of this appealed mightily to boyRob. All the while choosing to deny myself (which, in theory, felt not at all hard to do). For I had seen firsthand how deceptively mislead / distorted my heart truly was.
From there, I began praying and listening much more intently to older Christians. But, my homosexual fantasy life, I chose to never divulge nor attempt to flaunt / personify / celebrate as a teenager. Keep in mind that it was a different time / place back in 1985. Especially in Mississippi.
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But, due to the scale of our youth group, statistically, it was obvious to me that I wasn't the only boy struggling with homosexual desires. And, as is often the case, that one other boy, from early on, would orbit Rob annoyingly (particularly during out-of-town / overnight treks - camps, retreats, etc.).
We'll call him Overachiever Jim. And Overachiever Jim was about as gay-acting as they come.
Until he wasn't...
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The reason I'm bringing this guy up is how upfront he was regarding his personality / preferences. And again, this being 1985, there was no (especially within a church setting) normalized homosexual references to speak of. Jim was simply Jim. Original and annoying. Desperate for attention in tandem with being decidedly mediocre (physical looks, talents) overall with the only exception being his work ethic (Jim was a star student, constantly vying for top of his class).
But, if there was one thing Jim was not, it was uncomfortable in his skin.
I can remember spending the night with Jim on one occasion. The following Saturday, when my mother came to retrieve me, before we had even left their driveway (Jim was an only child as well, living with his divorced mother), she forbade me from returning. All because I'd "picked up his girlish accent / dialect" via that short-lived exposure to my new friend.
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Jim went (far away) to an out of state college, and it was there where he left his uniquely effeminate persona behind. Today, he's an accomplished author, collegiate leader, father, husband.
I encouraged him once to compile / author a book (he's a trained sociologist) featuring stories of men like us. He politely declined.
I have to believe he was deeply offended by including him therein. For if you were to encounter him today, there's no trace of his flamboyantly adolescent self left.
I'm willing to bet a dollar that he's personally destroyed every photo, memento that even hints at that loathed history of his true self.
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Samson Society keeps me focused on this part of myself. Hence, I'm the antithesis of Overachiever Jim as I do no work towards hiding / disassembling / reconstituting myself. And that's been especially true over the last week as this middle-aged version of Rob has had his ass kicked via workload on top of personal obligations on top of my wife's vocational woes (which have angered / confused / frustrated her husband).
Week after week, I host two meetings (they begin & end my weekends). I also talk to my Silas (& vice versa) regularly throughout the week. You might argue that Samson Society is my albatross.
Perhaps. But so long as I'm drawn towards Christ, why not attempt, truly attempt to see what he sees?
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I believe being a little Christ requires faith in a GodMan that desires a relationship with you as a flawed, sinful human being, and that the depth of that relationship is tied directly to how deeply you know yourself. For GodMan knows you 100% since he created you from scratch.
The only real surefire way to know myself - better & better - has been via intentional / organizable recovery work.
It's often imperfect, sometimes repetitive, but it's the most effective means I know of.
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