Firstly, what is a relational wedge?
It's an intentional (tangential) relational sabotaging technique used by individuals who feel a grievance has occurred between them and someone they're close to. In tandem, these individuals often feel intensely justified to drive said wedge, but more often than not, their justification is only rooted in overwhelming negative feelings towards the griever (inflictor of emotional pain).
But what's unique about wedges is that by definition, there must be at least three closely relationed individuals involved.
1. The party who experienced the grievance
2. The griever
[INSERT (POTENTIAL) WEDGE HERE]
3. The friend / parent / coworker, etc. of both party 1 & 2.
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What's unusual about some relational wedges is they're actually driven (attempted) forth between child & parent (via the opposing parent). Why make the effort to do this? Especially considering the baked-in longevity (stickiness tied to all familial relations) therein. Nonetheless, let's say the parents are divorced, and now living separately. And let's assume the divorce didn't occur amiably (as if any truly do). Divorcee #1 can undoubtedly feel obliged / justified to drive a wedge between the child(ren) and divorcee #2, but just because it feels correct to follow through doesn't mean it's the smartest move long-term.
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A quick (decades old) story:
My first (large-scale, by MS standards) architecture firm job saw me hired on in '96 (by one of the four owners) who just happened to have - somewhat recently - remarried (to one of his employees / my now colleague). His new honey was almost a decade older than he, and this woman (also a divorcee) had quite the chip on her shoulder (woman scorned...). And to top that off, she was simply intimidating to boot (physically large / virago - professionally & otherwise).
This woman is who first introduced me to the "art of driving wedges" within a vocational setting. As such, as I became more comfortable with my role as an intern, she actively sought to weaken my professional / personal relationship with her husband via wedge driving. Some of this was subtle but as my tenure increased, it only became more pronounced, especially considering how willing her husband (my boss) was to entertain her drivel. Nonetheless, I lost more and more respect for both parties as the expected emotional exhaustion mounted.
As I'm sure you realize, I had no clue what I would be stepping into when I took this internship position. All I knew was I needed employment (to serve as advancement towards eventually sitting for the Architectural Registration Exam). But, man oh man, did I ever experience so much more. All thanks to my boss's bed partner. It was truly soap opera-like. Yet, I'm so thankful to have walked through this young man experience. Trial by fire, if you know what I mean.
A quick (much more recent) story (that went down a few years prior to the COVID-19 pandemic):
After coming alongside a newcomer (in-person Samson meeting attendee) that had been ushered / invited in by an old friend, this clinically depressed young man did such the unexpected by effectively driving a wedge between me and two other Samson brothers (+/-18 months into our friendship). Keep in mind that I was considerably older than these guys. Hence, their stage of life was so very different than my own. But too, #1 wasn't from Mississippi, and as such, made it very clear how loathed he was as a "temporary resident".
As such, I believe I became (to him) sort of a harbinger of all things Mississippi (immediately following my perceived grievance towards him). As such, I believe, this further motivated him to drive that wedge as deep as he possibly could.
And as a result, just a short year later, that wedge had successfully metastasized into deep seated paranoia regarding Rob. From there, the other longstanding Samson friendship imploded unexpectedly (yet spectacularly).
Who would have imagined something like this happening within the auspices of Samson Society?
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Once wedges are driven / established and the emotional / relational fallout occurs (as a result), you have a choice to make.
A. Fight for the relationship's (between all THREE parties) "recalibration" ("equalization").
B. Politely walk away from the other two parties (as if no such wedge driving had occurred).
If you choose A, you're going to have to successfully bring all everyone together in order for you to insist on a "clearing of the air". Sometimes this is impossible. But, if it is, and you're successful in doing so, this can become a heated / passionate discussion that's likely going to deeply impact the standing (future trustworthiness) of #1 (the wedge driver) in light of the relationship's future. Nevertheless, reconciliation is always a possibility, but especially so within Christian circles.
If you choose B, you're going to need to forgive these folks quickly, completely and quietly whilst moving on. Why? There's a good chance you'll bump into these (it's a small world) down the road. In other words, cut your losses and exit stage left.
Personally, I've done both and each is hard. Mostly because you're the victim, therefore not only are you hurting as such but from there, you're saddled with following through with one of these two not at all easy relational choices (which only adds to the pain).
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Lastly, if you dear reader are or have found yourself as a #1 (wedge driver), give yourself some slack. Relationships are filled with heady emotions. Plus, talk is cheap. Those two combined with our baked-in sin nature can make wedge driving (at times) almost impossible to revengefully / deceitfully resist. Believe me, I speak from experience.
