When my oldest daughter was an infant (she's 22 now), I wrote a letter to my mother letting her know how disrespected (by her) I'd felt as a new dad. There'd been an incident at my parents' abode. My wife and I had brought my parents first grandchild (my now 22-year-old) over for a visit, and it was during this after church lunch that a statement was made (by my mom, directed at me). Her off-the-cuff adjudication was way out of line and therefore pissed me off to no end.
I had never experienced disrespect as an adult - to this degree - from my mother (I was 30 years old at the time). Her words cut like a knife into my heart, especially so knowing they were said amongst the entire fam.
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I vividly remember how terrified I was to confront my mom regarding this. For I knew her well enough to know that she would refuse to concede, and thereby quickly (& very easily) pull my father into the mix (posturing). And from what I recall, that did occur. I heard from him not long after the letter was mailed in an attempt to convince me that I'd stepped way out of line by sending it.
Whilst looking back, I'm so glad I chose to put my thoughts & feelings in writing to her versus attempting to '"talk it out". For neither of my parents (back then) were at all experienced listeners (able to listen sans becoming emotionally charged).
As punishment for speaking up / standing my ground, my mother shunned me for 3-4 months. She refused to look at me or even acknowledge my presence whilst in the same room. Oftentimes, when we were within close proximity (sitting adjacent to each other in church, etc.), she'd quietly weep.
As this ridiculously juvenile behavior of Her's drug on, I became more and more certain that I'd done the right thing.
Eventually, she apologized (in writing) to me for what she'd said to me months prior.
From what I recall, she dropped a letter off at the architecture firm I was employed at. This was a pleasant surprise. From there, she returned to behaving normally around me.
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There's nothing more important to men than respect, but it's especially important therein when new territory is being charted (life circumstances).
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Ever since late 2013, I've been working alongside my parents within their small business. In fact, a few years back, I actually purchased said business from them (they still work most days within our shared office space). As such, my relationship with my mom has flourished due to the fact that we work really, really well together both respecting each other equally.
Nonetheless, a few weeks back, I once again found myself having to stand up for myself / my family, and yet again, it ultimately had to do with her disrespecting / mistreating me with her words. But this time, she wasn't unfairly judging / shaming me as a father. Instead, she was overstepping by sharing intimate details regarding her ongoing tumultuous relationship with her oldest brother (who's my 93-year-old grandmother's primary caregiver).
As such, this ultimately led to me demanding some physical distance between my uncle and my family (wife / daughters) versus simply continuing forward with the status quo (as if nothing physically threatening had ever happened between him & my mom).
Disappointedly, my mother (& father) is using the exact same reactionary techniques as she did 22 years ago when I stood my ground then. It's like déjà vu.
What's sad to me - primarily - this time around is the fact that these folks are in their early 70s. As such, time is of essence (precious), taking their ages into consideration.
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Have you heard the adage, "When momma's not happy, nobody's happy?" It's sort of a cutesy saying 'till you've lived it.
