Back in December, we had an all-together lunch with some friends whose daughter and son are longstanding friends (former schoolmates) of our children. Christmas was around the corner, therefore everyone was in the holiday spirit, anticipating the annual celebration with all its traditions and (inevitable) headaches. This couple had surprisingly (to us) been visiting our church, and as such, once we realized this, saw fit to make a concerted effort to recognize this exciting move via breaking bread together.
Not long into our lunch, the husband of this fantastic couple "laid bare" / admitted to his deep admiration for the band KISS. I was intrigued. I'd only heard of one other middle-aged guy similarly enthralled by the "Knights In Satan's Service", and again he too was a parent of our daughters' friends.
I sat there between bites of my Italian entree peering at photos (on his pocket computer) of he and his wife posing alongside KISS' bandmembers (backstage). He went on to proudly exclaim that he'd seen the band in concert almost 40 times over the decades. And to top it off, his two KISS pinball machines and signed guitars were some of his most prized possessions.
I asked when and how his passion for KISS originated. His detailed answer left me unsurprised. For as I'd assumed, it had taken root smack dab in the middle of his teenage years.
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It's been 15+ days since I've self-pleasured (masturbated). I'm elated that my "Jesus January" fast is holding steady.
Why am I doing this?
Though sexual fantasy / gay porn has long since been banished from my self-pleasure routine (by God's grace), I felt deeply convicted to come up with some cadence to briefly pause an established bi- (if not more) weekly trend. My thinking was as follows: how else might I conveniently learn via abstinence if I didn't intentionally pull back?
What's struck me the most is how much LESS shame I feel overall. It's as if boyRob (who exists within my mind) is so very proud of manRob for acting as he has over the past two weeks. In other words, my boyhood self is who's been bearing the brunt of the shame fallout relative to self-pleasure. Even if I'm NOT lusting whilst doing so, shame is still manifesting itself as a result. Why?
As an aside, keep in mind that my wife isn't interested in nurturing the sexual side of our marriage, and she hasn't been since becoming disabled in May of '20. This realization has never bothered me (& it still doesn't). In fact, I've often been deeply grateful to have self-pleasure techniques (originating from my boyhood) to fall back on.
Nonetheless, I'm finding - via Jesus January - that the boy inside hasn't been justly served via this laissez faire approach to manRob pulling on his wiener.
Let me repeat that.
Nonetheless, I'm finding - via Jesus January - that the boy inside hasn't been justly served via this laissez faire approach to manRob pulling on his wiener.
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In closing let's discuss pragmatics. For Rob, lust-free masturbation experiences aren't at all extemporaneous affairs. Especially if there's been little down time since the previous experience.
As such, precious time / energy is relegated, and when you take habitual sessions into account, a sizable amount of time / energy (which could be allocated elsewhere) is utilized.
Of course, boyRob is keenly aware of this. Particularly from the standpoint of how he sees himself TODAY as a 51-year-old man.
Throughout this life, he adjudicates his older self constantly, taking into account where / how / how much energy / resources are allocated across the entire spectrum of my / his adult life. As such, it's boyRob who's kept me from becoming fanatical (as an adult) regarding any and all childhood passions that weren't deemed appropriate relative to my maturity (physical / emotional age) as a man. But the exception to all of this has been self-pleasure. For it's the one thing manRob has rebelled with.
But I've never realized just how disrespectful this undisciplined habit has been to boyRob 'till this farcical "Jesus January" idea came to fruition.
So, the question now comes down to this: What does he need from me in order to establish the respect I absolutely do wish to earn from him in regards to self-pleasure?
I have no intentions of stopping the physical act of masturbation outright, but I can, most certainly, be more intentional about how often and under what circumstances I do this going forward.
Lastly, can I actually successfully abstain from self-pleasure for another 16 days?
We'll just have to wait and see.
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