All of my issues with gay porn - for the most part - have a common denominator of attempting to fill a void of feeling isolated from the universal community of men.
When I was a senior in high school, I purchased my first Playgirl magazine, and this was the first time I saw photos of completely naked men. Though I only held on to the magazine (the year was 1990) for 3-4 days, in looking back, it opened my eyes to how disgusted I was with my own self. And that disgust was rooted in simply not feeling comfortable behaving / being seen as a man (& I'm not referring to conformity). Now, you must know that I certainly didn't feel like a woman (at this time in my life or ever). Instead, I simply felt worthless having no perceived masculine identity whatsoever.
What did this Playgirl magazine actually provide for teenage Rob? Two things.
1)
Being semi-nude (shirtless) is a normal "celebration" of being male. Being fully naked too, isn't frowned upon, though it's relegated to specific settings where men gather (locker rooms, skinny dipping, etc.).
The pictorial of one Playgirl model, in particular, blew my synapses because he was so natural looking, yet it was apparent he'd no shame regarding his physique. The young man was probably 5-8 years older than I at the time. He was below average height, had average size junk and did not in any way look manufactured / manicured. Hence, he had loads of body hair and even minute skin imperfections that hadn't been airbrushed away. And yes, he was in great physical shape, but it reflected his no doubt athletic prowess more than vanity (this guy was not a pro bodybuilder).
All of this added up to this complete masculine comfortableness that I longed too to have. This I could emotionally latch onto via porn.
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2)
On the flip side of that comfortableness, there was the allure of symbolically being known by those you're putting your trust in. As a teenager, no one knew anything about my sexuality except me and God. And though I refused to loathe my sexual attractions towards men (believing they were a result of a number of circumstantial factors), I desperately needed to be known (as every teenager does) by someone I could trust with this (& the rest of myself). But there wasn't anyone - that being a real person - for me to be pursued by in this regard.
Therefore, I fantasized about being known by my middle school youth pastor, classmates at school, etc. Eventually, these fantasies migrated to photos of semi-nude men on greeting cards and in wall calendars, all of which lead up to the Playgirl magazine purchase. Every fantasy had a theme of known Rob being relationally pursued.
Subconsciously, the aforementioned naked model in the Playgirl pictorial, I felt, was being known by me - as the viewer, and he had been known by the photographer & his crew likewise. This blew my mind, but I didn't at all understand what was truly happening inside my brain at that young of an age. Today, thankfully, I'm beginning to.
In the past, I've joked during Samson Society meetings about having a secret desire to be a porn model. Taking the notion of being known to the extreme served as the root of that joke.
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What served as the breaking point for Rob regarding these needs not being met?
2013 (I'd just turned 40) was the year I worked in Cleveland, MS as Delta State University's Campus Architect. About six middle managers, all mostly close to my age, reported to me, and each of them had minions beneath them. This entire grouping was nothing but men, all of which were laborers overseeing everything from campus landscaping to HVAC systems. The perceived authenticity / comradery between these men left me feeling extremely isolated. Naturally, I turned to our pastor at Covenant Pres Cleveland for help, but he freaked out at even the slightest hint of discussing sex / sexuality. Eventually, I once again turned to gay porn / writing on a now defunct blog to cope. Doing this on my work PC is what got me fired.
I came away feeling so rejected and ashamed. But, it was through that pain that God ushered me into Samson Society in August of 2014.
Samson Society serves as a petri dish for being known authentically. The meetings provide a framework, week after week, for sharing / presenting oneself to the group, and from there, there's opportunity to connect one-on-one in order to be known that much more intimately.
Each of the two resolutions I cited above are too resolved (in my mind) within the Samson community. The only difference being (between it and gay porn), is Samson Society takes much more work / commitment / patience.
And since Samson guys are actual - living / breathing - warts & all relationships, they're much richer / diverse / nurturing / sustaining / helpful. But too, that being said, as with any close friendship, none of these relationships are without setbacks, disappointments, and pain.
I love to consume porn, but I love what Samson Society has offered me as an alternative more. Thanks be to God for Samson Society.
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