That is the philosophy I lived under most of my life. I was weighed down by the expectations of others and desperately seeking acceptance and validation by my performance. Driven by my poor self-image I lacked confidence in what I thought I was supposed to be or know or do. So, for the most part I faked it.
This was long before “Fake it ‘til ya make it” was a slogan, but I was the poster-boy for this ideal. I wasn’t sure what “making it” entailed, so I just continued to fake it, hoping that someday as I stayed ahead of being found out for the fake I really was, I would somehow make it–whatever that meant.
Where I didn’t know what to do in a certain situation, I faked it. When I didn’t know what others were expecting me to know I faked it. In my relationships, in my work, in my relationship with God, I faked it. You know what this made me? A fake.
I hid my authentic self from others for fear that they would reject me when they found out who I really was; what I didn’t know; what I couldn’t do. I really wanted people to accept me and validate me, but I thought I had to achieve this standard that was impossible to achieve, at least to my way of thinking, and living.
I also hid my authentic self from God. Deceived into thinking I could somehow fool Him I pretended to be someone I really wasn’t, as if He didn’t already know. I tried to serve Him to gain His good graces. I tried to live up to others' expectations of what sort of Christian I should be thinking that this would give me favor with Him. I really wanted His acceptance, and to feel His pleasure with me.
As I journeyed down the road of recovery, I began to discover that there were people, broken like me, who would allow me to be my authentic self. They accepted me in spite of my failures, my facades and my (insert F word of your choice here) -ups. As I began to get more and more honest with myself and share this in a safe environment, I began to receive healing from God. I slowly began to realize that the acceptance I sought I already had. He began to show me His pleasure with me as I cautiously lowered my mask and shared my broken self with others.
The more I did this the freer I became. Much to my surprise, I discovered that my vulnerability to share my brokenness not only set me free but helped others. That’s what I had been trying to do all along as I faked it. Now, the pleasure I sought to feel from God I found in my honesty. I discovered He loved me, not for who I could be for Him, not the mighty exploits I could do for Him, but because He loved me. He loves me when I do good, and string together stints of sobriety from my addiction. He loves me the same when I act out. He loves me not because of what I do; He loves me because that’s who He is. He is LOVE. And that applies to me.
Now I have a new slogan to live by: “Faith it ‘til you make it.”
I may not have the answers, I may not be able to do what someone else can do, I will never be able to live up to the expectations of others, but I am His. He loves me and has justified me–declared me to be in right standing with Him just as if no sin had ever occurred. Romans 1:17b says, “The just shall live by faith.” So, I am just, and I shall live by faith. I will “faith it ‘til I make it.” I will believe God for who He is and what He has promised me. I will believe I am who He says I am.
I am resolved to “faith it ‘til I make it.”
What does "making it" mean? Success? Getting into heaven? Happy marriage? How do we know when we’ve made it? I believe I already have made it. Knowing this love, living in this freedom, believing Him is all the “make it” I need.
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