A few weeks back, I had the good fortune of meeting a new, very close to my age / circumstance (stage in life) friend. And this guy, over the course of about 90 - mostly uninterrupted - minutes, poured out his heart relative to various spiritual, personal viewpoints sprinkled with specific anecdotal accounts of his life as it pertained to his upbringing, vocation, overall temperament, role as a husband / father. By the time we went our separate ways, I sort of felt like his priest post-confession.
The setting in which all of this took place was one of those once-in-a-lifetime milestone events for both he and I (as dads / husbands), therefore emotions were already running high, but too, I did get the sense that he simply wasn't shy about opening up, if given the opportunity.
Nevertheless, it was his emotional state of mind that opened the door, so to speak, for him to be as transparent / forthcoming as he was - for such a time as that. For he needed my listening ear just as much as I benefited from having the opportunity to meet that need.
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Emotions, I believe, are best experienced whilst articulating or scoring our current state of mind (what's actually on our mind). And that may be recalling past experience (memories - both good and bad) or reactions to events in real time. Profanity exists especially to assist us with this, believe it or not.
We're being conditioned though, as westerners, that verbiage isn't worth verbalizing unless they're ears to hear it (besides your own).
How?
The endless chatter of social media (that gives the illusion of actually being heard).
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Taking that into consideration, one of the most sure-fire means to come across as a potential threat to someone's "perch" (familial / vocational, etc.) is to refuse to spew forth your thought life incessantly.
Now, 90 degrees to that approach is letting out your thoughts verbally but in due (on your own) time.
To circle back to my new aforementioned friend, he stated expectantly that I'd reciprocate "my story" to him once he was finished. And, in order to meet his expectations, I did so, but via a personal email exchange a week or so later (as luck would have it, we ran out of time for me to have "a turn").
And this approach worked to my advantage because my story, though just as raw as his, isn't / wasn't at all like his. And to take that truth a step further, my story, by definition, can be quite the polarizer.
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So, let's talk about that word: polarizer. For this isn't usually where individuals care to land as it pertains to their identity.
As fundamentalist (Bible-believing) Christians, within this western culture of ours, we are no doubt going to polarize those around us via how articulate we are regarding our beliefs. And we should. Yet, I would argue, we can minimize this - to some degree - if we're intentional about framing our beliefs within our own story.
And I would argue too, in order to do this well, you should be giving the courtesy to your (hopefully) soon-to-be listener (of your story) first dibs on telling his own.
Then, once that's complete, you can circle back. And if you're savvy (& a quality listener), you can interweave contrasting highlights of your friend's story with yours by using them as jumping off points to carry your Christ-centric narrative along.
There is nothing of greater value within a relationship than listening. Not hearing. Listening. For listening takes work. And everyone knows that. Therefore, you can truly earn someone's trust by taking the time to listen to them well.
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