During this time of quarantine, many of us are choosing to face - more and more - who we are, and this is due to the fact that circumstantially the world as we know it has changed overnight. And if we're finding that our personal "review" is skewed towards the worthlessness end of the qualitative spectrum, then I'm convinced many of us also - in tandem with that view - choose to see God more towards the punisher end of the spectrum.
Why is this?
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Years ago, I worked at the state of MS with a man who was about my age despite the fact that his physical build was much older than my own. And this was no doubt due to his lifelong disregard for any form of exercise / eating healthily. Overall, his passion was work and being hyper-critical of everyone around him (which he was an expert at). To sum him up, he was brilliant but secretly eat up with worthlessness, and despite the fact that he was just a few years older than I, his physical self was much older.
During one holiday season, we had a Christmas party for our bureaucracy one evening off site. There were about 20 of us that attended with our families. It was apparent this guy loathed being there, having zero means of pretending otherwise. The following week, someone projected a photo slide show within our conference space. The images were candid photos taken at said Christmas party. Most of our bureau wandered in and out of presentation in order to reminiscence in an effort to take it (back) in.
What stood out to me was what happened when a photo would be projected containing the aforementioned worthlessness man.
He would wince. Literally.
As if he were being hit with internal pangs of disgust at the images of himself.
It was depressing to witness.
I mean, I know even today I'm not all that keen regarding seeing photos of Rob, but this man's reaction was more akin to how I used to react to photos of myself back in middle school. And because that period of my life was so detrimental to my understanding of God (through my understanding of myself), I'm in tune to this wretched state of mind even today.
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This iconic photo was referenced by a Samson Society friend of mine a few years back. It was his GoTo graphical analogy for our Heavenly Father at the time. Again, to reiterate what I said earlier. The Punisher. Is there any more suitable 20th century icon who's more well suited to this title than Mohammed Ali?
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To summarize, I'm convinced Satan is tactical in his methods of distorting who we see and understand God to be, and that his primary line of attack relative to this distortion is what we believe / how much we see accurately of our own created selves. The Bible uses the analogy that we as human beings are like dumb sheep. That gives me little faith in myself as a clear-headed holistically comprehended man. Do you get my drift?
What's the logical, spiritually healthy step here if we're stuck not being able to see ourselves accurately? How might our understanding of God eventually be impacted if we don't take those steps?
And finally, is it possible to hate God in line with our own personal disdain for who we understand ourselves to be?
As Sarah Palin would say, "You betcha" (to that 3rd question).
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This dear reader is the cover of a beefcake magazine. "Exercise For Men Only" was published back in the late '80s when I was a boy. When I peered at the photos of these men whilst perusing through the pages of these mags at my local K & B drugstore in northeast Jackson, something heady stirred inside of me that said, "I want what they have, and realistically, the easiest way to obtain it is to firstly discount / invalidate my own worth." Therefore, I put those muscular, masculine physiques at the upper echelon of importance relative to what Rob qualified as value tied to manhood, and conversely, I discounted anything and everything contained within my own created self (as I comprehended it at the time).
Please understand who I was as a Madison county middle schooler.
First and foremost, I was highly, highly visual. Therefore, beautiful beefcake photos like this one were the bane of Rob. And this was because I'd never seen imagery like this prior. Never had I stepped foot in a gym or locker room much less onto a southern California beach where young men like this might peruse around semi-nude.
I grew up adoring comic books and cartoons. Science fiction film and television programming were absolutely glorious finds / escapes for me as a young boy. Hence, my imagination was an efficient, well-oiled machine.
My father was emotionally unavailable, and my mother, I felt, couldn't be trusted with my feelings (mainly due to her being female). I had no siblings, and no adult male role models (who were close in proximity). At the time, my life consisted of me, myself, and I, living up in my teenage head day after day after day.
So, I began creating my own role models by using beefcake magazines to sexually fantasize, and from there God too became none other than the Punisher. I was all too familiar with Scripture and how it condemned both lust and homosexual activity in reaction to what I was doing upstairs whilst pulling on my thingy.
But, I couldn't stop. The fantasies were fulfilling and oh so pleasurable. The illusion of being valued within these dreams actually sufficed. They had to. There was no other means for me to survive my internal disdain and subsequent God confusion.
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I spent some time with my Silas last night, and I was explaining to him that the firmest identifier of humanity is our penchant for adaptability.
If you purchase a beautiful, healthy plant at the nursery, you'd best plant and nurture it as recommended. Otherwise, it likely won't stay alive for very long.
Humans are the opposite of that. And so often that adaptability grows out of our flesh (sin nature). This is what fuels many human rights (legal) conversations that are rooted in equality.
So really, it's not that we're just dumb sheep, but we're also no doubt blind and dumb sheep. And this is so much worse.
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Yesterday, I spent some time with a friend over breakfast who's dealing with the wretched ramifications of vocational envy. My heart absolutely breaks for this man. I've known him for many years, and there's no doubt that he's both humble and devout. Though he was uncomfortable hearing it, I attempted to reflect truthfully into him who God has made him to be as we sat there (+/-6'-0" apart). And this today has reminded me of subtle experiences I had growing up where older men were kind enough to do this for me. Not necessarily with the same intensity / intentionality, but definitely with the (hopefully) similar worthwhile effectiveness.
These men (used no doubt by the Holy Spirit) were my employers, college professors, and so forth. People that I had the good fortune to rub shoulders with day in and day out during the mundaneness of life's circumstances. They were men whom I chose to not ignore or discount because I was in someway circumstantially obligated to pay heed to their input (respect).
Over time, enough of this goodness amassed within me that it allowed me to eventually choose to stop my beefcake fantasy life. And when that ceased, I slowly began to see myself more clearly, and this in turn positively impacted by accurate view of my Heavenly Father. Therefore, my commitment to Bible study and prayer turned the corner as well as all manner of church work itself.
Of course, much of that growth did hit a seriously tumultuous patch when the Internet came on the scene (Internet porn), but had those initial seeds not been planted, I'm convinced the bondage that I was once in would no doubt be just as enveloping (& isolating) as ever here in 2020.
Thanks be to God for his steadfast hand within the life of this particular sheep. He is no doubt so much more than I every initially saw him to be.
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