This afternoon, I logged into LinkedIn via the smartphone app and found a connection request from someone I knew not of, and then as I scrolled down, I saw someone I did know from many years ago whom LinkedIn believed would also be a good fit for Rob.
Most of my clients are engineers, therefore LinkedIn's algorithm summizes that I'd like to connect locally with more local PEs, and that's how this particular individual's profile surfaced within my "Suggested Connections". It presented to me a great opportunity to walk down memory lane.
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Back in 2006, I began my work as a state of Mississippi employee. I was around the age of 34 at the time. Having believed I was headed for a middle school teaching job (which is what I'd academically prepared myself for the summer prior through the Alternate Route program at Mississippi College), I'd secured a part-time gig at First Baptist Church Jackson within the preschool ministry as a sort of plain clothes security guard (to help offset my soon-to-be income shortfall). Therefore, when my teaching aspirations failed to pan out (zero job offers), I was very fortunate to find that a window had opened for me to work within the Department of Finance & Administration as a staff architect. Having already made the commitment to FBCJ, I continued forward there as well. All of this vocational change felt remarkably fresh, therefore inevitably, I began to look around at other aspects of my life that obviously would similarly benefit from some needed improvement.
A sizable part of this exercise unearthed my need to find more authentic friendships. Unfortunately, the job change from private to public sector offered nothing on that front, therefore church seemed the next logical choice.
Besides also working part-time at FBCJ, we were members there too, and this provided me with the good fortune of rubbing shoulders with the aforementioned (now also on LinkedIn) engineer, "Jacob" and his family.
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Jacob and I were of similar age, though his children were younger. He and his brother both attended First Baptist with their wives / children. Neither of them had grown up in that church like Angie and I had, therefore I couldn't help but sympathize with his being a newbie.
I remember distinctly wanting to get to know this guy, and the primary draw for me was his personality. He was very reserved despite his imposing frame, almost to the point of shyness. His wife, on the other hand, was a much smaller individual though similarly all around beside herself. Jacob and his brother both were athletically built and tall. This too was a draw since overall, that just wasn't me - either in the past or at the present time.
First Baptist Jackson's facilities are over the top for Mississippi. During its peak back when Angie and I were teenagers, there were thousands upon thousands of Mississippi Southern Baptists who called that church home, many of which were quite wealthy (by Mississippi standards). Hence, the facilities and location speak to this. Therefore, the contrast is jarring whilst compared to most every other Protestant church house within a 35 mile radius (if not the entire state).
And just so you know, N. W. Overstreet was the architect for the gothic-style sanctuary / chapel constructed during the mid-20th century at FBC Jackson. Overstreet is hands down the most renown 20th century Mississippi architect. Most of his work is noteworthy for its timelessness and intricate detail work.
So here was Jacob and his family attempting to find their place within the commiserate Mississippi mega-church, and me besides who very much wanted to befriend this guy.
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Have you every witnessed awkward amongst guys? I mean, really awkward.
Let me elaborate by offering up an example.
One of my most favorite volunteer positions within the church house (especially so today) is Vacation Bible School. I dipped my toe into this particular pool during my mid-30s whilst attending FBCJ. Obviously, being here in Mississippi, the notion of adult men participating as volunteers within VBS is very unusual. But, I liked the idea of adding some Y chromosomes to the mix of adult leadership within, therefore I made the commitment (& since then haven't looked back). Typically, other than teenage helpers, I'm one of the only men working throughout the week to hoard the masses.
I remember distinctly stopping Jacob one Wednesday night. I was manning my plain-clothed security desk within the preschool area and henceforth stumbled through the following proposal.
"I was wondering if you might consider volunteering with me to help out with Vacation Bible School this summer."
He looked down at me with a blank stare, and his wife (from what I recall) did the same from a short stint down the corridor. And then they both turned and walked away as if I'd never said anything.
So, that was the beginning and the end of my attempts to break the ice with this guy. It was quick and very painful.
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From there, I inevitably saw the two of them twice a week at that same juncture as they made their way into the preschool area to retrieve their children. Of course, I pretended to not even know either of them at this point due to my former humiliation. And, of course, over time I just felt more and more isolated and idiotic for even attempting to befriend this guy in such a bizarre manner. On top of that, the platonic attraction towards him didn't wane. Actually, the opposite seemed to occur, knowing that all bets were off relative to ever knowing him as I wished to.
Friendship is a gift of unspoken commitment that you give to another human being. Growing up sans any siblings, I understood this early on, and therefore mostly took a proactive approach to finding friends. But, that hadn't changed the fact that I was still sensitive to rejection / scorn, especially considering this new place where I'd found myself vocationally. A lot of good had gone down within my life at this point, therefore I asked myself the following - why not expect more so long as I'm willing to take the risks?
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More time passed, and eventually, I began to pick up on Jacob and his wife now being platonically "courted" by a much more established (economically) and somewhat older couple within our church. This couple's children were elementary school age (we knew of their family), yet they'd often accompany Jacob and his wife to the preschool area to retrieve their children after the service, laughing and smiling all the way. We'll call the husband of this older couple, Richie Rich, for reference.
I began to loathe having to endure my inevitable encounters with these couples versus choosing to embrace some semblance of being glad for their newfound friendship. Until one day, I found an opportunity to indirectly retaliate as an outgrowth of my loathing. Which, in looking back, I never should have done.
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If you know me at all, I can be very, very direct at times, and mostly, this is a result of me feeling powerless over a situation. A lot of times though, it's construed as cruelty, and that's unfortunate. With friends, I tend to have a long "feeling powerless" fuse, but nonetheless, it is a fuse. Inevitably, there's an end to either me continuing to choose to be the southern gentlemen or the listening observer.
One Sunday night, Jacob and his fam, accompanied by the Riches, explicitly broke one of the preschool rules. Not a significant one, but nonetheless, a mandated rule that whilst abided by, made my job as well as the other hourly employees' jobs much easier.
The Preschool Minister who'd hired me back in '06 was a rule maker, and she expected all of us who worked for her to not only follow them but also to enforce, though to what degree regarding the latter was consistently a subject for debate.
So, I gleefully complied on this particular evening by directing my displeasure directly towards Richie Rich. And as you might imagine, he didn't appreciate this in the least. From there, he demonstrated this by storming out of the preschool area with what was surely to be a completely concretized vendetta.
After it was all over, I packed up my things and left feeling not only cast aside but a little frightened as well. For I knew Mr. Rich well enough to know that due to his pedigree, I might very well just lose my side gig. This reality made me no doubt regret what I'd done.
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Eventually, we made a discreet exit from First Baptist Jackson a few years later (around 2008), feeling that our two girls were old enough that we could begin to look elsewhere for what we felt we needed within a church home. And that lead us to Lakeside Presbyterian Church which sits adjacent to our neighborhood at the Reservoir. At the time, Lakeside stood in stark contrast to First Baptist for us. Because of that, it was difficult at first, but still...
I was no less waning for authentic friendships at this point, therefore I emailed one of the associate pastors (who was a few years older than I) asking him to join me for lunch. Soon after meeting up for the first time, I spilled my guts in order to gauge his reaction right there in Primos Cafe on Lakeland Drive.
And the rest is history (& a very positive one at that).
Lakeside Pres proved to be fertile ground for me to authentically connect with other men as I'd never connected prior. Even to the point that eventually the elders allowed me to start a Samson Society group there (almost 3 years ago). It's uncanny.
I can't say that I was expecting any semblance of rejection there, but the opportunities for me to find what I'd longed for were almost too easy compared to what I felt I was up against at First Baptist Jackson (which we'll always consider our traditional church home).
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What's the point of this tale?
Don't ever minimize your needs. Test them, of course, with Scripture, and from there, pray and work diligently to have them met. Remember too that setting and timing are critically important, but that only the former is really within your control - to any degree.
Today, I hope the best for Jacob and his beautiful family. LinkedIn's algorithm sure left a lot to be desired whilst making that "Suggested Connection". Nevertheless, I am glad to be reminded of how far I've been blessed to come relative to authentic friendships. Looking in from the perceived perimeter gets old quick. It's within the ring where real life resides.
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