My first job out of college wasn't more than 6 months old when I began to sense the sole proprietor losing faith in me. And it was centered around my personality.
I am not a team player. Never have been. As an only child with two 'rents who weren't all that much older than I, I spent most of my time alone as a child, 'fending for myself - at least emotionally. Too, I've never had a mentor (much to my chagrin). All this plus my having to privately manage my same sex attraction throughout my life, made me who I am. That being, independent to a fault.
And this did not bode well with my first architect boss. Therefore, when we lost our largest client, he was not at all remorseful to let me go. Of course, for me, it was devastating. Angie and I were only a few weeks into our newlyweddingness. But God was good, and within 30 days I had a new job with better pay / benefits and more responsibility. That was almost 25 years ago.
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One of my oldest friends agreed to lunch with me yesterday. At the end of last year, he walked away ("to take advantage of a better opportunity elsewhere") from a partnership he'd been privileged to be part of. One where as a business owner, he found himself at the base of a totem pole, always looking upwards to two seasoned businessmen who were 20+ years his senior. Now, the "to take advantage of a better opportunity elsewhere" portion of the story is what happened publicly. My old friend had been part of this firm, either as an employee or shareholder, for close to 16 years. And within my mind, he was a great candidate to buy these men out (upon their retirement), thereby allowing the business to continue forward under his headship, easily carrying on the legacy that his senior partners had established before him.
But that's not what went down since that wasn't what they today had in mind regarding him.
Similarly this week, I had lunch with a client whose partner simply walked out of the firm, taking the majority of the employees with him, leaving behind no real means to carry on with the workload.
In each case, faith in men, their values, and their abilities was lost. And from there, the relationships (& subsequent partnerships) collapsed in on themselves.
Now, before we talk about the first few sentences of this post, let me zoom in on the particulars. Because, that's really where the meat is relative to this critical issue. And when I say meat, I'm referring to the heart of where Samson Society (or something similar to it) might help.
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When my institutional employer lost their faith in me back in '13 (I've cited & expounded on this a good bit within previous posts), I seriously doubt I would have lost my footing emotionally / spiritually - perhaps on any level at all - had the conveyance of said change been more respectfully executed between themselves and me. And this is the rub within these difficult situations, either as exampled above or certainly within something as interpersonal as a marriage or friendship. How they're precisely handled matters tremendously relative to communicating the change of heart that's about to upend the relationship.
Regarding vocational relationships, men and women in positions of authority can be cruel, but especially when they feel entitled / are "appointed" to be. So much so that they may feel justified in - however they feel so moved - to deliver their disappointment, frustration, outrage, and on and on during that critical adjudication. Never once considering or attempting to empathize with the one on the opposite side of the table.
I speak from experience when I say that 'till you've had your heart submerged into a vat of pejorative acid (by individuals you love / respect / trust), you cannot imagine the emotional fallout that may come from such callousness / unprofessionalism / thoughtlessness. Especially if these individuals are older than you are. It really all comes down to circumstances.
But on the flip side of that mess, there's hope still. Healing for me did come. In droves. But, it took years for that to be seen through to its rightful conclusion. And for me, in particular, because of my independent nature, the impact had to be close to nuclear in order for me to be forced to begin at ground zero. Which leads me to...
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In closing, what does it mean to lose faith in oneself?
Regarding the aforementioned experience back in '13, my God took it upon himself to allow me to be crushed completely. Thrown off a cliff emotionally with no safety net. From there, the pain was so intense that I was unable to hold onto any hope at all. Never had I experienced such massive emotional trauma. I suppose you could say the timing was perfect for Satan to execute a full press in an attempt to do me in completely. And no doubt, God allowed that.
The heart of these accusations (from the devil) had to do with the lie that I truly was worthless. As I would weep whilst curled up in the fetal position on our closet floor on oh so many nights, I felt these accusations to my very core.
From there, it was simply a matter of waiting on the Lord to heal me. Or to put it another way, be rebuilt with my entire focus being on what he would do within me going forward versus me having to cope with my life with only a conceptual idea of God's healing / sovereign power running in the background.
And my involvement during this critical time with Samson Society was the perfect petri dish / safe haven for this to healing to take place within.
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Tonight, I feel for my old friend as well as my client. May God have mercy on them as he did me. What an amazing relinquishment of self identity did I experience. All of which I can only hope for them too.
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