The most notoriously routine disqualifier for me within the friendships I've been fortunate to foster throughout the years is the disconnect centered squarely on intimacy needs.
But that's now changed or changing. I think changing is the better word here. Thanks be to God and his work within my life in and through Samson Society.
Based on my experience, most men feel they're no longer men if they even begin to consider intimacy as a need. In fact most, I would argue, qualify intimacy as a weak point that directly targets their masculinity. And of course, if that's the case, how could there possibly be a need for intimacy at all if it's simply going to do harm to your / their identity as a man?
As a same-sex attracted man who began to clumsily take stock of his own intimacy needs decades ago, I can tell you that there's only a miniscule percentage of guys out there who fall into the camp of admitting they have intimacy needs. Miniscule.
Therefore, ain't a whole lot of opportunity to relate from this perspective, if you know what I mean.
Nonetheless, it's a viable topic today due to not only how its resolution is impacting me personally but how too it's voidance has indirectly impacted Samson men in a negative capacity whom I'm fortunate to call friends.
All that being said, I'm learning by experience and vicariously through friends' experience regarding this monumentally important topic.
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So what does intimacy look like for a man who's readily identified it as a need of his own?
I see it as follows: It's being personally known by someone that you're attracted to, and as a qualifier, that attraction must look to be sustainable for some period of time. Attraction is the key here, and for most of us, that attraction begins with our understanding of another person's mind i.e. how they think / see themselves and the world around them. Of course too, it helps if that brain is being carried around in an attractive bod to match, but that's certainly not a must.
For example, you've had the experience of living, working, playing, worshiping alongside other humans who've been given beautiful exteriors but none the equal values to match your own, then there's likely going to be a holistic disconnect there by default. Therefore if you have intimacy needs, you're up a creek relative to the real deal. Hence, alternative finds (many involving sin) may come into play.
All and all, it takes work and providence to locate relational matches where intimacy can blossom, therefore in God's sovereignty, we are at his mercy to provide.
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So, let's say you're a young Christian intimacy-aching man and you begin dating a young Christian woman. Then, against God's will for your dating circumstance, you begin to lead her into passionate make out sessions that warm her up sexually to such a degree that she's allowing you to do what you two discussed - early on - never to do. And the next thing you know, you're fondling and fingering, massaging and teasing, and this results in her spreading her legs for you to make physical love to her. And now you've found yourself, having relinquished your virginities, feeling just about married. Except you're not.
Before we proceed further with this example, let's define intimacy. For I'm of the opinion that this is where things get interesting / catastrophically complex fast.
Now, let's add a little more to our understanding of intimacy (as I see it). For each and every "intimacy needy" guy, his partaking of such is not unlike one's / his own penchant for dessert. What kind and how much varies man to man, but as I alluded to earlier, for men with that intimacy ache, they're looking for respectful, relational similarities firstly tied to a willingness to be vulnerable.
Now, rewind to my example above. How unfortunate a situation this now is as these two lovers have relinquished the clear headedness needed to adjudicate whether their boy / girlfriend is a proper match relative to their "choice of desserts". Why might this occur? Intercourse seals the deal relation-ally thereby short-circuiting the brain, especially within the mind of women, though many men too find it difficult to think clearly when the fires of passion are constantly being stoked by sexual sin.
As I've detailed here prior within other posts, God's plan to not fornicate is the best plan. Marrying someone who's unable to meet intimacy needs is a tough sell for a lifelong promise (as the years wane onward). No matter how fulfilling the sex is.
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I met a Floridian at the Samson Society retreat who's about my age, married with 3 children. We've been dialoguing ever since, having had the opportunity there in TN to share our stories to each other. This friendship has served as a mirror for me in many ways because I can see so much of my own intimacy needy self within my friend.
Now, let me backtrack to when I originally began investing time in Samson Society meetings here in Jackson back in 2014. Just a few months into my tenure, I befriended a man whose story was brutally difficult for me to bear. His vocation coupled with his sin harkened back (for me) to past trying friendships / childhood experiences that were extremely difficult to keep separate within my mind. Therefore, I'd often find myself frustrated with the level of exhaustion I'd face as I worked to assist this man in carrying his blistering shame / regret. This friendship went on for well over a year, and I stayed faithful throughout. But what didn't occur between the two of us was any platonic cross pollination, and for the longest, I could never understand why.
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Sex addicts do exist. I believe that today, though for the longest, I didn't think it was possible to actually be addicted to sex. First and foremost, the pull towards sex for these is almost animalistic. For many a sex addict who's target includes sex involving other people, there's often a ritual involved that includes some semblance of flirting and eventual seduction. In the interstitial moments outside of this dance, they may be heavily involved in pornography use which fuels their addiction to all things sexual / sexualized.
What I'm describing here is exactly what I saw within my Samson friend from 2014, but in all truthfulness, I was convinced his situation was somewhat anomalous due to my own ignorance relative to sex addiction.
Rewind again to my new Floridian friend that I met at the retreat. He's no addict, therefore his indiscretions he actually doesn't regret. Knowing full well what he was doing, he'd reached a place where his need for intimacy overruled everything else. Therefore when opportunity knocked, those intimate relationships resulted in infidelity. Upon suspicions arising within the mind of his spouse, he answered honestly before disclosing everything to her (w/ a professional counselor present). Today, their marriage is still on the rocks (2+ years into the future). It's sexless and she's bitter / very much opposed to working on her own half of the marriage. No doubt, she's also dealing with massive trauma, having lost her trust in her husband.
He's found himself up a creek without a paddle, and at the present, she's still in boat beating him over the head with it.
How can this marriage last? I pray he'll find contentment. Plus, I'll attempt to serve him well as a friend. What a gift it is to know him, recognizing the similarities in wiring that we both possess.
I have learned so much about myself by befriending other men via Samson Society. Extremely helpful indeed.
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