Until you arrive at where you choose to travel to, there's no real way to know how that environment will impact you.
The environment we find ourselves within, whether its our vocation, family-life, school, etc., impacts our understanding of ourselves due to how we react to the setting / people that make up that setting. It's not unlike performing a science project with your standard guinea pig, forcing the animal to cope with scenarios that allow the observer to better understand said pig's reaction in light of the environment he's presented with.
We can pray and research, but no amount of fact-finding will ever come close to living out a new setting and all the demands that setting will impose.
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The very first experience Rob found himself within where the setting seemed to unleash a barrage of chronic internal negativity was in PE class in 7th grade. And when I say chronic internal negativity, I'm referring to literally feeling like a martian (with antenna growing out of his head).
I had never experienced difficulty in a similar setting prior to this, but nevertheless, it in itself was reflexively painful to be forced into day after day.
And I knew by my observations that I wasn't the only boy who was experiencing this, but of course, I certainly didn't understand how to articulate what I was experiencing, much less what anyone else was.
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I grew up in a household where no one ever talked about their emotions - positive or negative nor did they display them. Ever. And weirdly enough, it was my mother who lead the charge in that regard. She seemed to have no authentic emotions, choosing instead to pour all of her energy into fabricating her idyllic illusion of physical perfection. She was our household fembot. One of the most unique quirks about my parents is neither of them ever touched each other. I never once witnessed as their son any romantic / affectionate physicality. No kissing. No hand holding. No hugs. Ever. Hence, it was a very abnormal environment to be reared within.
And of course, that left me to grapple with all of this unforeseen internal negativity alone there as a 7th grader. Therefore, I quit the class. I had to. Otherwise, I felt this massive internal negativity via this setting would crush me through and through. And I did not want to be crushed despite how running away was going to look.
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A sizable part of why I chose to pursue a degree in architecture had to do with me hopefully not ever feeling this way again. I wanted to find a vocation that might fit me well, but primarily, I did not want to be a martian amongst men. By God's grace, I received my degree, and from there, went to work. And yes, I found that many of the men I worked for / with were just as martian-like as I was.
Just so you know...
Architects are not team players, therefore they don't enjoy working collaboratively. And they absolutely don't like to receive criticism unless it can be backed up with a sizable helping of credential / merit. Architects aren't interested in being given zero direction whatsoever, and even worse, no one to ask for help or assistance. We typically aren't very patient, but alas, we will wait on providential surprises. We enjoy working hard, so long as we're given the affirmation we need to stay energized. And interestingly enough, the majority of that affirmation must come from inside of ourselves.
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Now, I want to focus from here on that last sentence.
I believe the majority of us men fall prey to this, architect or not. Let's call it man's inside voice. That voice that sizes us up each and every day.
In looking back on 7th grade, my long-term fear was that Rob's inside voice would become too corrupt, too emblazoned with negativity from that point forward due to me being forced to survive for an entire school year within that setting. Hence, there would end up being too much negativity inside of me, which was toxic, for Rob to handle going forward, especially considering my parental non-supportiveness. In other words, guinea pig Rob would likely not survive / maintain his emotional sanity were he left to flounder within the chronic internal negativity as a result of that PE class setting.
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I believe each and every man has only so much internal positivity, and that it's especially important to be cognizant of that finite resource and therefore guard it closely over the course of his lifetime. The Bible references loving your neighbor as yourself. It's the "as yourself" part that I'm referring to hear. This is why sin is so deadly to man. And I'm not only referring to the physical consequences but the emotional ones. After the deeds are done, it's the guilt and shame that literally will eat the man alive.
So what do we do as a people with this horrific truth?
1. Mock the notion of sin by repackaging it into something else entirely (normalize it).
2. Medicate our guilt with drugs and booze.
3. Self-flagellate ourselves as if we're the convicted, judge, and warden all combined.
4. Find the support needed to extinguish chronic sin issues.
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One architect attribute I failed to mention earlier is our love to be challenged. Give an architect something hard to do, a problem to solve, a situation to endure, and he'll usually attack it head on. Any opportunity to prove ourselves is welcome indeed.
For Rob, I was faced with that back in 2012, and once I had Angie onboard (which didn't take long) with the idea of moving our family to small-town Mississippi for me to take on a new job, it was full steam ahead.
Oh, the increase in income! [It actually wasn't a whole lot.] Oh, the increase in responsibility! Oh, the challenge of the setting! And on and on. I was so excited!
But there was just one problem there, and it was identical to what I'd experienced in 7th grade. Chronic internal negativity. But this time, I was determined to discount it. To fluff it off. Or to simply endure 'till somehow the setting became (hopefully) more manageable day by day.
But it never did. It only grew worse. Until finally, I began to use porn at my desk on most days after 5 PM to medicate the intense emotional pain. And keep in mind too that those I'd reached out to for help hadn't responded (as I've written about in the past). And then I got fired.
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That was 6 years ago, almost to the day. The institution I was employed by gave me 30 days of severance pay, and from there, I was on my own.
God had other plans for Rob's heart. He essentially rescued me from myself for I simply didn't have the insight I once had as a 7th grader!
I pray today that your well of positivity is accounted for and therefore protected with all your good intentions. At the present, I guard mine like precious jewels, consistently working to avoid people / scenarios that I might forecast / sense are potentially going to drag me into that chronic negativity realm. And this includes people who either live out their lives as emotional frauds or those who simply will not seek whatever means possible (including professional help) to get a handle on their own shit.
It may sound selfish, but it's self protection. I truly believe that it's my job alone to stave off those horrifically cruel inside voices by staying true to my own personal reactions relative to each and every setting I may encounter / be thrust into.
In closing, I find it so interesting that the Rob of age 13 had so much more wisdom / self-care than the Rob of age 41. Why is it that as we age we rank so many other things above (in importance) our own self-care / well-being?
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