Years ago, I lead a Samson Society National Retreat workshop that centered around same-sex attraction. I was generously given a lot of content leeway therein. I decided fairly quickly that the workshop should center around attributes of Rob that were somehow related to my stance / position regarding my SSA. One of those was me being a contrarian. Also, I made it very clear - right at the outset of my presentation - that I was representing no one but myself / my own opinion / choices.
Fast forward...
The attribute that I've come back to again and again for analysis is contrarianism. Hence, my decision to postulate a bit here.
But before I do, let me be clear. Contrarianism, for me, is tied directly to an attitude / outlook, and that attitude is a combination of "Fuck you!" and flippant (the percentage of each depends on the day of the week you ask me).
Now, back to my postulating.
This contrarian attribute may very well have grown out of me being an only child. Obviously, there were no siblings to imitate / shadow, therefore I had the privilege of being the oldest, middle and youngest child simultaneously within my family. In line with that was being an unplanned only child (my 'rents were 18 & 19 when they had me). That distinction made the family unit I was reared in feel understandably less stable / surefooted (though, I believe, perhaps only to me). And this feeling I only truly took note of when I was in the presence of other families outside of my own (extended & otherwise). For example, families at our church.
Regarding my extended family (Turner side of the house), my grandfather had long since died (he died of lung cancer in his early 40s) when the Turners (my dad had three brothers & they all married multiple times / had multiple children of their own) gathered in the MS Delta for holiday gatherings. As such, his widowed wife (my grandmother) had also remarried / divorced by this point in time. Maurine lived alone in a large, very posh home in small town (Delta) Mississippi that existed solely to intimidate / impress.
As such, that sense of firsthand family (my parents & I) instability / vulnerability definitely existed too "within the same key" whilst participating in those larger Turner settings.
Therefore, my concept of family represented a whole lot of me myself (independent from everyone around me) in light of not feeling much of any sure-footedness / longstanding emotional / relational stability with those folks.
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I believe the very first contrarian decision I gravitated towards - consistently - had to do with how I viewed females versus males (& I couldn't help but include myself as one of the latter).
Taking both of my parents into consideration, my mother's experience carrying / birthing / VERY YOUNG mothering had a profound impact on her (as it should have, but keep in mind that she was a teen mother). As such, she chose to nurture me to the best of her ability despite her too only being a child. My dad, due to him simply being the teenage sperm donor, experienced much less maturational (patriarchal) impact for such a time as that. But also, to his credit, he was doing his part to provide for his dependents, and this involved obtaining higher ed whilst working part-time to win the bread (that rhymes!).
I feel certain this parental role asymmetry (MOM / dad) impacted me greatly as a small child. As such, though I was no doubt male, I chose to reject the masculine (as it was presented to me by my father) in light of the straightforwardness in emulating this man as it pertained to his personality, character, likes / dislikes.
And I was somewhat consciously aware of how much of a backassward modus operandi this was, yet I was content with my contrary.
What became of me as a result of this? Also, how did it affect my dad?
As a child, I gravitated towards having / making friends much more easily with girls than with boys. That being said, I did have numerous friends who were male, cherishing those relations along the way. Also, I was transfixed by female entertainers. Especially female vocalists. Therein, I grew up during the '80s (the MTV era). Therefore, all these beautiful female vocalists were also just as visually elevated / celebrated so long as they had the physical goods to match.
Ultimately, as a result of all this female emulation / worship, I became deeply uncomfortable sexualizing the opposite sex (believe me, I tried). For I felt this to be in contradiction to who I'd somewhat secretly sworn emotional allegiance to as a boy / chosen moreso to identify with.
Regarding my dad, as a result of his rejection from me, he slowly took the same approach in kind, for there was no other child but Rob (he really got the short end of the stick) to role model manhood for. I'll write more about this within an forthcoming post.
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Contrarianism eventually morphed into a survival technique for adolescent (ages 13-18) Rob (as you can imagine, I was the very definition of outcast) even to the point of determining who my friends would become.
And this wasn't necessarily a liability for me. So many of my immediate peers (particularly at school) were extremely rebellious / unruly / secular to a fault. As such, I reflexively chose to move in the opposing direction despite this leaving me isolated.
But here's where the lines get blurred regarding this season of my life.
Immediately prior to me entering middle school, I was unexpectedly lassoed in by the gospel, therefore I became deeply convicted to follow the teachings / example of Jesus Christ (as recorded within the New Testament gospels). As every Christian knows, Jesus was the ultimate contrarian, and man oh man, could I ever relate!
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Choosing to pursue a degree in architecture was also fueled via my contrarianism. Particularly growing up in the "economic butt crack" (Mississippi), architecture made little sense, but that nonsensicalness (contrarian!) combined with my above average skillset as an illustrator propelled me forward and forward and forward.
But let me insert here too that there was one additional - below the surface - motivator herein. And that was to prove my mettle (to myself). And architecture school very much became that personal proving ground.
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When I began dating my wife (fifth year of architecture school), a friendship was rekindled with someone of deep, steadfast faith. What she didn't realize was she too was a contrarian (& she's still not completely convinced of this). But her faith, and I cannot emphasize this enough, was magnanimous. Again, I point to Jesus' example. Need I say more?
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In closing, I have to admit that I hope to ultimately rear a brood of adult contrarians, but only in and through modeling contrarianism as a powerful means to live a life out-of-line with the mainstream / in line with the gospel.
As you've read here, contrarianism sort of gobbled me up as a child in response to a very
unplanned
singular
immaturishly unstable (emotional)
upbringing.
As such, I really wouldn't change a thing, though it required me to take my need for being fathered into my own hands.
