Recommended Reading

 What I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 40, According to 12 Men (fatherly.com)

Who Should You Share The Gospel With In 2023?

 The Toughest Conversation I Don’t Regret (thegospelcoalition.org)

Find A Way To Exploit Hope(fulness) As A Means To Strengthen Your Resolve To Choose Something Other Than Porn

My favorite attribute of my oldest daughter is her choosing to be hopeful.  She's wired opportunistically / positively, and it's infectious, and this certainly points her in the direction of her forecasting to be as such.  When you first meet her, her positive wiring might come across as trite, but it doesn't take long to realize that she's working her grey matter towards being a genuinely hopeful young lady.

This has worked in her favor relationally as a college student, particularly as it pertains to accruing friends.  Her cohorts gravitate therein in response to her more (seemingly) adult-like point-of-view (versus the stereotypical pessimistic adolescent).

Our other two daughters are optimists too, though it's most pronounced within our youngest (middle schooler).  As such, she's quite the anomaly as a tweenager (having become somewhat of an outlier as a result).   

Overall, I'm firmly resolved to thank God for their positive bents versus one that leans negative / pessimistic.  That being said, keep in mind that I'm biased in this regard for I too am an overall opportunistic / positive individual.  And you can blame my parents for this (they modeled it / passed it down).

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A handful of Samson guys that I / I've regularly chat(ted) with aren't the optimistic-types.  I actually find this refreshing and uniquely contrastive.  But what I am beginning to observe is how demanding their temperament can be relative to them compulsively turning to lust to emotionally placate / regulate.   

For an example, I offer the following (this scenario is based on hearsay):  Negative feelings encroach in response to doing some run-of-the-mill (psychological) assessment work and from there, reflexively - compulsive sexual sin pacifiers are feverishly grasped at.  

This is just one example of a negative (temperament) feedback loop.  And frankly, I do believe it's quite a tough one to rewire, particularly as a loner. 

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All this begs the question:  Can a melancholy Samson guy counteract this temperament?  More specifically, can he rebel against his emotional instincts long enough for him to choose to drawdown the necessary hope to directly combat his circumstantial kneejerk lustfix?  And can this leeching be sustained rhythmically enough - over time - for him to remove himself out his fatalistic rut?

Inquiring Samson minds want to know... 

Let's make an attempt at defining what hope is firstly before speculating further.

Hope is a feeling that's earned via intellect (mindfulness, if you will).  As such, I believe, it's much harder for dumbass people to experience it in droves.  Intellect powers sharp memories (both good and bad).  Memory is key to feeling hopeful as it serves as a framework relative to the (potential - in tandem with or opposite to) future.  

Compulsive behaviors such as drug / porn use "clog" / "cloud" the brain's synapses (proper thinking ability), and this is akin to making a person dillweed-like.  Therein, they lose their proper framework (smarts).

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Here's a specific example of how drug-use can steal one's ability to instinctively choose hope.

In 2012, a prominent local (Jackson Metro) attorney's son committed suicide.  Now, you must know that I have no reason to not believe wholeheartedly that this boy was also akin to choosing hope (sprungboard off of a positive mindset) as much or more as my aforementioned oldest daughter.  He was one of three boys, but unfortunately, he'd turned to both selling and using drugs whilst living / working out west (gap year post high school).  His prominent parents, in response to his heart-rending death, chose to take part in a speaking tour where they read his suicide note, indirectly warning audiences across the region of the dangers of drug use (whilst beautifully interweaving "Armor of God" scripture).  It was massively courageous on their part to give so freely out of their pain and suffering.

Thank you Taggarts!  (Some of my local heroes of the faith.)

One of the most interesting statements their son made within his suicide note had to do with his pre-suicidal mindset.  He noted the contrast between how drugs had noticeably diminished his intellect (primarily memory) in light of where he had been (pre-drug use).  From there, he renounced any hope of seeing his prior intelligence return.  This fatalistic assumption fostered his hopelessness which led to his suicide.  

And that was pretty much the gist of his hopeless letter.  A letter, again, written by an optimistically tempered, overall positive-minded young man who just happened to make some poor choices relative to drugs.

It's important to note that many professionals believe that chronic porn use can affect the brain similarly, particularly if it's coupled with masturbation.  

And that's what makes it and drug use notoriously difficult to see beyond / out of.  A number of therapist tagline this the "shame cycle".

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Once again:  

All this begs the question:  Can a melancholy Samson guy counteract this temperament?  More specifically, can he rebel against his emotional instincts long enough for him to choose to drawdown the necessary hope to directly combat his circumstantial kneejerk lustfix?  And can this leeching be sustained rhythmically enough - over time - for him to remove himself out his fatalistic rut?

Attraction is key.  Whether you're within an in-patient facility or working through a recovery program like Samson Society.  You must find yourself attracted enough to someone (who's far enough into their own personal sobriety) to trust them with your heart.  From there, their hope can transfer to you, effectively counteracting your persistently hopeless state of mind.  

What might impede this from happening?

-  Sometimes attraction is never given an opportunity because recovery colleagues aren't considered worthwhile enough (up to snuff), or simply the group itself is privately labeled a "freakfest".  

-  Clinical depression has reduced the man's outlook to nothing but intrusive emotional pain.  

What promulgates / perpetuates this attraction process?  

-  Spending time together on a regular basis.

-  Asking really good questions (cross referenced).

All the while being vulnerable.

"Ten Years In" - JR Everhart

In September of ‘22 I celebrated 10 years inside of sex and love addiction recovery.  I’m a different person now than I was 11 years ago.  I’ve overcome so very much in my walk with Jesus.  I’m not constantly stressed out chasing my next orgasm or living a double life.  I have peace and harmony in my life now.  I’ve gone over two years without physical sex in my life ever since my divorce.  I was married to my last sex partner.  It feels surreal in many ways.  I have no idea how I’ve accomplished this.  The last time I was single, I lived a very different life than the one I live now.  In fact, the last year before entering recovery, I had 57 sex partners inside that one 12-month period.  I’ve slept with hundreds of women in my life.  So, when I say I’ve been celibate for the last two years, it carries a truckload of weight in my world. 

But the truth is after ten years of hard work, I still feel as lost at times as I ever have.  It’s so easy to lose sight of what I’ve overcome and only see my failures.  It’s the last 25% that seems so hard to overcome. 

I might white knuckle a week or maybe even two of sexual sobriety from porn here or there, but it’s like a ticking time bomb.  A bomb that I know will eventually explode.  It’s been a constant monkey on my back for longer than I can remember.  I hate it with everything in me.  I just want to flip the switch and never struggle with all this junk ever again.  I’ve sat in meeting after meeting listening to guys make proclamations of freedom in Christ and will never do this or that again.  But it never fails, only months later those same people would be confessing the same junk they swore would never be part of their lives again.  I’m as guilty of this as anyone.  If I had a nickel for every time I deleted my search history, I’d be a millionaire. 

I have major respect for those with long term sobriety from porn and masturbation.  It's something I struggle with everyday, and It’s not because I haven’t tried because I’ve tried everything.  I did make it 9 months once, but I was married to a smoking hot wife at the time and having sex once or twice everyday.  So was that real sobriety or just focusing my addiction toward my wife?  I honestly don’t know…  I know this, there was no divine awakening that happened, and there were still times of massive struggle to not act out.  So here I am ten years in, I’m a better and more mature believer in Christ.  There has been measurable progress.  But I still find myself in habitual sin that I’m very ashamed of.  I still find myself very much in need of a Savior everyday.  Without Christ, there would be no hope of salvation.  So I walk inside the faith that Jesus is enough to save me from myself.  Every other option only leads to more bondage and suffering.  At least the suffering of my current struggles is bearable and not leading me toward deeper levels of death.  My life doesn’t align with most church stereotypes but it’s the only life I know.

I said all that very uncomfortable truth to say this.  I’ve been hungry for freedom from this and praying very hard for God to help change my thinking about these things.  The problem of porn addiction for me is both spiritual and psychological.  The spiritual part is easiest for me because I firmly believe I was made whole when I decided in 1994 to believe that Jesus’ death at Calvary was enough for my sin.  That his resurrection empowers me to change and has broken the yoke of bondage Satan once had on me.  I am free and whole as my Heavenly Father looks at me through the blood of Jesus.  I am righteous through my savior Christ Jesus.  My faith is strong and my convictions solid on the theology of my salvation.  But…psychologically my childhood and environment has hacked my brain and laid before me many layers of dysfunction and toxicity.  There’s no denying the chaos this has caused in my life and the battlefield behind me is full of the dead and wounded I have injured over the decades of my adult life.  For at least 20 years of my adult life, most of those years inside the faith and working in the church, I was secretly lost in the dark carnival of my fleshly desires.  The results of a broken childhood where my abusers brain twisted me into thinking it was only through the pursuit of sexual intensity that I could find love, validation, and acceptance.  I was groomed patiently and enticed into a world of performance-based acceptance and security.  And I was quick to learn that the more I gave of myself to my abusers, the more validation I got from them.  So I submitted to the lie with an innocent heart having no idea what the long-term effects of these things would do to me.  My abuse included torture and every form of intercourse known to mankind.  This went on from age 3 till about 10 or 12.  I was so brain washed that there were times I pursued my abusers always hungry for their attention and fake love.  That has been the hardest part to deal with as an adult.  Part of that little kid wanted to make my abusers happy so they would give me what any normal kid would get from a loving family.  It was very conditional and a rollercoaster of evil manipulation.  But it was my childhood.  I can’t change it.  So why is it any surprise to me that I would grow up to be a narcissistic sexual predator in my own rite?  Sorting through my childhood is one thing, but sorting through the failures I myself caused is another.  It’s been a long hard road, and I’m thankful for where I am, but it only reveals more layers to peel. 

But something happened to me about 4 days ago.  I had a breakthrough in some respects.  I’ve lived the last two years of my life after my divorce just sort of numb and going through the motions of life.  My sobriety has not been as important to me as it once was.  I’m alone now, therefore I ask myself, "Who’s it really hurting?", and besides, it makes me feel some kind of connection even if it’s an unhealthy one.  I’ve dabbled in every form of past addiction behaviors, sort of poking at the bear with a stick, recklessly with no regard for my own well-being.  Thankfully God has kept me from the horrible rabbit holes all of which only lead me downwards. There were even moments where I entertained thoughts of returning to the swingers scene, telling myself “why not…”   From there, the Holy Spirit reminded me of where that lead me last time.  Again, God’s Grace was keeping me from myself.  I’m so grateful for that.  

So here's what happened.  God showed me something about his holy character four days ago that just flipped a switch in my head.  We get so lost in his grace and eternal security that we forget that God is not ok with our sin, and dancing on his mercies is a very dangerous place to live.  I know God loves me, and as long as I’m a firm believer in Jesus, my salvation is secure.  But that doesn’t mean my Heavenly Father is accepting of my habitual sin, because he’s absolutely not.  Grace does not make sin acceptable - in any form.  And we are fools to think that we can live whatever life we want without repercussions.  There are earthly consequences to our behavior that's right here, right now, and too in our future if we don’t align our will with God's. in this regard. Please know that this isn’t meant to be a "turn or burn" statement.  It’s a turn and become whole statement.  God can only work all things towards good in our lives when we are first denying ourselves.  From there, we can follow Jesus.  

I could see how much of a fool I’ve been for years thinking my flesh and Christ's holiness could live in the same house.  I will either obey one and hate the other or love one and turn from the other.  Considering that, I understand that life is messy because I’m a mess.  Nonetheless, I believe I’ve missed the self-control / discipline aspect of this for far too long. 

I cannot do this in my own strength; I can only do it through Christ that strengthens me.  And this isn’t to say that I desire to live a perfect life going forward.  That’s an illusion that will never exist in this world.  But I can put away old things and receive all the new things God has for me.  I’m no idiot; I know overcoming one layer only reveals another.  But at least I can hope for the graduation from these things (detailed above) that have long imprisoned my mind.  Pray for me guys, I’m still trying to unpack it all.  And I may totally relapse tomorrow.  But it just feels different now, and maybe just maybe, this is the breakthrough I’ve been praying for.  So here I am…ten years in and just starting to scratch the surface of real freedom. 

Recommended Viewing (I'm So Grateful That I Wasn't Forced To Face A Similar Reaction From My Parents When I Came Out To Them In 1995)

Timely Recommended Reading

What Eighth Grade Taught Me About Race (thegospelcoalition.org)

What Aspired Rob To Climb Upward Towards Nate?

Mr. Nate Larkin, the founder of Samson Society, paid a visit to the Jackson, Mississippi Samson groups back in August of 2017.  I don't believe that was his first visit here relative to regional-specific Samson "marketing", but I do believe it does represent his most recent.  He'd been in Alabama a few days prior, speaking at a men's conference (sponsored by a church).  From there, he and Dr. Tom Mouka drove west to the illustrious Magnolia State.  They'd arrived later than had been planned, but nonetheless, in plenty of time for the local Samson guys who'd come to share a meal (BBQ pork + homemade dessert, if I remember correctly) and meet THE MAN face-to-face.  

I'm pretty certain this was the same year I began attending National Samson Society retreats in middle, TN (November of that same year).  Leading up to this dinnertime meet & greet, I vaguely remember becoming frustrated with one of our local Samson group facilitators who refused to make this event a priority.  His excuse for not attending was so impetuous, I felt certain he was hiding his true loner motive.

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Samson Society wouldn't exist were it not for Nate Larkin.  Taking all the good that's come from this ministry into consideration, why wouldn't you make meeting THE MAN a priority?

My theory relative to answering this question is as follows:  Nate is nondescript, he leads with weakness & he becomes visibly uncomfortable at even the slightest identifier (adulation) of fame.

Take a hard look at the photograph above, taken towards the end of the evening during that '17 event.  If you didn't know who Mr. Nate Larkin was, would you be able to confidently pick out the founder of the Samson Society within that photo?  

I would argue that of everyone pictured there, Dr. Tom Moucka looks the most "Samson Society leaderly", simply by taking his countenance, posture, dress and build into consideration.  But that's not Nate.  That's Tom.  Tom and Nate are great friends, but Nate is what I described above (which isn't Tom).

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Archie Manning has always been my father's primary role model.  A close, close second to Mr. Manning is Dr. James Dobson.  As a sidenote, I've always believed that my father's dream job would be serving as the Manning family butler (at their NOLA estate).  

Both of these noteworthy leaders have many, many admirable attributes / characteristics, and I would argue that first and foremost, it's their respective (spotless, squeaky clean) reputations that draw so many admirers.  Archie is Mr. Ole Miss football.  Plus, his pedigree has brought to bear strapping next (& next) generation athletes that honor his puritanical, hardworking, All-American legacy.  Dr. Dobson's audience is mainly women (housewives), but for whatever reason, my dad has always had a soft spot for Dobson's mellow, sublime yet earnest style (radio delivery).  If my dad has cut one monthly donation check to Dobson, he's cut a thousand, and will continue to do so until the day he dies (putting his money where his admiration is).

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Around twenty years ago, I began seeing a staff therapist at First Baptist Church Jackson (Summit Counseling) in response to the ramp up I was experiencing relative to my Internet porn use.  This man had watched me grow up, having come to our church when I was in either the 4th or 5th grade.  One of the questions he asked me during a session (about halfway through the +/-6 months I saw him regularly) was, "What men at our church do you admire?"

I remember his surprise when I simply couldn't tick off a list of 5-6 candidates that we both knew might qualify for excellent "masculine (Christian) admiration candidates".  I sat there in his office feeling strange, knowing I'd disappointed him by not answering.  

At that point in my life (I was around the age of 30 at this time), what I saw both within Christian and professional circles were men whose primary goal was to fixate on their reputations above all else.  Hence, when it came to dirty laundry (skeletons in their closets), these effectively remained hidden.  Regarding "company they kept", it seemed obvious that losers need not apply.  And regarding notoriety (fame), these men covertly embraced it wholeheartedly (every chance they could).

One overarching truth relative to this observation was how in contrast their modus operandi was compared to Jesus Christ (as chronicled within the four gospels).  And this is primarily what kept me from fully admiring them / holding them up as role models.

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I had lunch last week with a local Samson newbie who I met via the greater Samson universe (Slack).  He asked some great questions about my experience in Samson, one of which prompted me to write this post.

I never realized how much I admire Mr. Nate Larkin 'till I began taking a harder look at my own recovery / commitment therein to that recovery.  Recovery takes a long-term commitment, and the vessel therein by which recovery is accomplished is massively important.  I've no desire to throttle back my ongoing involvement within Samson Society.  Not because I'm "still having a grand time", but because I ultimately want to support Nate's ministry and Nate himself to the best of my ability.  As such, longevity is no doubt a big part of that.  

In closing, Mr. Nate Larkin is a textbook introvert.  It doesn't take long to pick up on this.  Whenever he's present at the National Retreats, you can tell he's being "sucked dry" of emotional / spiritual energy.  Hence, he's also unusual as a ministry leader in that regard.  And just so you know, I'm also an introvert.

There's a lot to be said for finding Christian men to look up to.  By doing so, you're positioning yourself well to learn from and in turn, support therein.  I honestly didn't believe I'd ever find my Archie Manning / Dr. James Dobson, but by God's grace, I most certainly did.