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To Be Known

To be known is an ache, a holy wound,

A trembling voice in the quiet room,

Where shame has carved its jagged lines,

And self-contempt whispers, “You are defined.”

The critic looms with its sharpened tongue,

A song of scorn it has always sung.

It names your worthless, hidden face,

It brands your soul a barren place.

The wounds of time tell their tale,

Longings unmet, hopes that fail.

Echoes of love that was never shown,

Leave the heart cold, feeling unknown.

Shame drapes its veil, a heavy disguise,

Blinding the heart, clouding the skies.

It says, “Hide away; they’ll never stay.

Who you are must be locked away.”

Self-contempt builds walls too high,

A fortress of lies where dreams go to die.

“You’ll never be enough,” it cruelly jeers,

And keeps us bound to our deepest fears.

Yet healing begins where grace draws near,

In the light that stays when we disappear.

Love’s fierce gaze will not look away,

Even when shadows beg it to stray.

To be known is a dangerous grace,

To stand unhidden in a sacred space.

It’s the risk of being fully seen,

Not perfect, not polished, but raw, unclean.

Love calls the child who learned to hide,

And walks them back through pain denied.

It gathers the fragments, speaks their name,

Unveils the story beneath the shame.

For to be known is to find release,

A balm for the war, a longed-for peace.

It rewrites the scripts of contempt and fear,

And whispers, “You are wanted here.”

So bring your burden, your hidden despair,

Your self-despising, your silent prayer.

Love does not flinch; it holds, it stays,

And mends the wounds of the darkened days.

To be known is the soul’s true cry,

A holy longing we cannot deny.

For in the knowing, we’re made complete—

The place where brokenness and beauty meet.

Step to the light; let the veil be torn.

Here, in the open, you are reborn.

No shame too deep, no wound too far,

To dim the light of who you are.

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Tortured, Imperfect, and Held by Jesus: One Mother’s Journey Across the Dark River

When Seduction / Sexual Conquest Fuel A Man's Masculinity Engine / "Boys Will Be Boys"

Perhaps you've heard the term "serial adulterer".  Or perhaps "womanizer".  Numerous high-profile entertainers (TV, film, music, sports) are labeled as such.  And that makes sense.  They're entertainers.  Suave.  Confident.  And oftentimes, very, very professionally successful (or at least aspiring / appearing to be).  

Have you ever thought of intercourse as calisthenics?  

These men don't but considering the alleged amount of coitus they're participating in...

Very few of these entertainment idols speak of regretting their impropriety / disinterest in monogamy.  And I believe it has a lot to do with how intricately linked their sense of / purposefulness in masculinity is to successfully seducing / bedding women (&/or men).

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So, what fuels these serial seducers?  Are they addicts?  Are their libidos truly that demanding?

When I was in high school, television news magazines (not including the mainstays like "60 Minutes" & "20/20") were becoming more and more ubiquitous.  As such, their topics were, in turn, becoming more liberal-minded (eyebrow-raising) as they competed for viewership.  One such episode featured a group of (white) teenage jocks who were brash enough, as it pertained to their underhanded "fuckpoints system", to be filmed touting their primary role (masculine identity) as young, sexually astute bucks. 

Because it was a TV news magazine, besides the expected headshot interviews, there was footage of the studs doing what studs do best:  looking studly.  Hence, they were weightlifting in the gym / competing on sports teams, driving their trucks around town but mostly they were collectively identifying women that they wished to seduce / bed (all the while updating their stats regarding their supposed lays).  

The "fuckpoints systems" they weren't at all shy about disclosing to the broadcast journalist who was responsible for the piece.  And when they were questioned as to their chauvinistic outlook, they brashly declared that "women longed to be fucked by a man".  And they said this with such conviction that the viewer came close to believing it.

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So, is that true?  

I know MARRIED men who're well into their Medicare years who're steadily connecting with women (initially online) who're absolutely interested in dialoguing about their sexual desires.  All in anticipation of performing sexually - to one degree or another - for these old fuckers.  

Keep in mind though that many of these whores receive some form of payment for access to their wet vaginas.  And though it may not feel transactional initially, it almost always ends up as such.

Ultimately though, the Medicare (sugardaddy) man gets one more score.  Just as if he's still playing the "fuckpoints game" from his younger limelit days past.

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All this that I'm describing is simply modus operandi.  And I would argue, it's the most deeply ingrained and therefore destructive motivator towards compulsive sexual sin.  For it bridges the man's brain to his genitalia and that bridge is distinctly tied to his "masculine purpose".  

And let's not forget that masculinity is THE most influential force on planet Earth (other than perhaps gravity).

This MO isn't one that's discussed within the Samson Society.  Why?  It's too taboo, seemingly stereotypical, etc.  Plus, our Heavenly Father / God's son is presented in the masculine.  Who cares to even imply that certain (hypersexual) degrees of masculinity equate directly to - to some degree or another - God's very creation in man himself?

Therefore...

You will hear the word "sex addict" an awful lot along with "triggers" within this community.  "Trauma" is mentioned often as well.  These words tamp down chronic (ingrained / hardwired) illicit behavior(s) into something figurative / digital that can be easily quantified / isolated.  

"Masculine purpose" is just too unclinical.  Too saturated within the entirety of the idea of the man himself.  His core ideals, his physical presence, his understanding / comprehension of women. His core drive(rs).  Yikes.

Hence, it's too much of an individualistic minefield to even consider approaching.

Therefore, what can be done?

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Years ago, a white bread Mormon Samson guy approached me (w/ tenacity) regarding his desire for me to serve him as his Silas.  This man was in his early 30s, reared in both Utah and California, whereas the latter was where he and his young family (Latino wife & preschool daughter) resided presently.  I believe he specifically chose me due to my specific same-sex attraction story and how antithetical it was to his own MO (but this is just speculation on my part).

His draw to porn was directly tied to his "masculine purpose", but that purpose was masked underneath a rigorously established religious identity.  This "masculine purpose" was (birthed during his teen years) rooted in (of all things for a clean-cut Mormon) his adoration for gangsta rap & culture.  And from there, rich, combustible fuel was found (masculine identity) in the specific form of Latino / black women who acquiesce to the gangsta rap aesthetic / lifestyle (he mostly found these in music videos / online porn). 

This / these women are what this man longed to consume in light of his "masculine purpose".  And I believe he did so in order to repetitively confirm / affirm that purpose.  

It was wildly bizarre attempting to walk with this devout, church-going Mormon.  Eventually, upon the apparentness of us continually going in circles regarding his recovery, I had to decouple.  For I knew I was in way over my head.

For whom was I to stand in the way of the very engine that fueled his sense of masculinity?

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My heart hurts for these men.  

If you're interested in learning more, simply read Saint Augustine's autobio.  And from there, be encouraged.  God rescues all manner of men from compulsive sexual sin.  But especially so, men like these.  Ultimately, a supernatural reordering of priorities is required.  A reordering that leaves intact a man's masculine purpose whilst allowing him to fuel up that purpose outside of the hedonistic physical / sexual norms that our culture so celebrates.

Reflecting on Growth & Gratitude: A Year-End Message from the Samson & Sarah Societies

 

Men of Samson Society and Women of Sarah Society: On behalf of our founder, Nate Larkin, and our Board of Directors, I come to you with good news – our societies are growing, marriages are being rescued, and the cause of Christ and His Kingdom is advancing. One week ago, at our annual Samson retreat our featured speaker, Andrew Bauman, drove home this point: as men and women in our society, we are vulnerable: We are vulnerable to the messages from our childhood. We are vulnerable to the influences of our peers. We are vulnerable to self-condemnation. We are vulnerable to the deceiver. We need each other. The Good News is we have hope, “because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” (1 John 4:4) One of our goals for 2024 was Host training. We took a giant leap toward that goal at this year’s retreat. 51 in-person and online hosts attended a pre-retreat to discuss best practices for hosts. Led by Mike Moore, the conversation lively and engaging. Tons of valuable insights were shared and we can confidently look forward to more men hosting more meetings in 2025. Speaking of goals, one of our goals for 2025 is to bring the strengths of Samson Society to our churches. Toward that end, Patrick Peters is spearheading a prototype project in Dallas, Texas showcasing how Samson Society can help churches save marriages by helping men live in the freedom of authenticity. The good news doesn’t stop there. The Sarah Society currently has 761 members spanning several countries and 5 continents! Two members of the leadership team recently conducted a three-week tour of Australia where they were able to: hold three counselor/religious leader workshops, host one men's group, participate in 2 radio interviews and a podcast interview, conduct 3 women's intensives, and brainstorm with Salvation Army to understand the impact of porn on family and community. The ladies of Sarah Society also recently held an online auction, raising approximately $1800 in scholarship funds for their annual Gathering, which is occurring May 4-7 just south of Grand Rapids, Michigan, and featuring Aundi Kolber. Learn more! Tuesday, December 3, is GIVING TUESDAY and we have a HUGE OPPORTUNITY – a very generous donor has once again offered to MATCH OUR GIVING in November and December up to $50,000.00!! (current recurring gifts excluded) But wait, there’s more! If your company has a matching gift program that triples your gift. And if you’re on FaceBook, check out their matching gift program as well. Click the image below for a full summary of Samson Society financials: WAYS TO GIVE – It is Good to Give … Smart Giving is Great! Our giving portal A generous one-time gift A recurring monthly gift (this helps us to even out our monthly expenses) NOTE: you will receive a receipt from our contributions manager, New Horizons Foundation Text2give: Text to the phone number 719-722-3545, then enter a dollar amount and SamsonHouse in the text box. You will receive a reply text – simply follow the instructions to set up your text2give account (a one-time effort). You can make a recurring gift or make a simple 10 second gift at the end of each Samson Society meeting – “giving back.” Venmo - @SamsonHouse Major Gifts – feel free to designate your desired use of funds, email: tom@samsonhouse.org Tax-advantaged Ways to Give Appreciated securities (no impact on your lifestyle see this CBS article). This way of giving makes the most sense tax-wise. Avoid this year’s tax bite by giving this year and next year’s gift to a Donor Advised Fund and then directing the fund to give to Samson House Avoid taxes by giving from your qualified retirement plan (IRA). You can even name Samson House as a percentage beneficiary in your will. Matching Gifts – if your company will match your gift, double the pleasure! Giving Tuesday has become the answer to the commercialism of Black Friday. Please consider how you can participate by giving to your favorite charity: Samson House! You can make your one-time or monthly contribution below: DONATE As this year draws to a close, let us all pause to give thanks for the gracious hand of God on Samson Society / Samson House. Pray for your brothers and sisters who are in the heat of the battle, and above all remember you are never alone. Jesus said, “I am with you always, to the very end.” As He is with us, let’s be there for one another. Remember what Apollos wrote to the Hebrews, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” It is an honor to be on this mission with you.

Tom Moucka Samson House President Nate Larkin Samson Society, Founder

Keith Melton,  Mike Moore, Jeff Van Driel,  Eva Hunter, Mark Heinrich,  Roe Hunter, Rush Harrison,  Nate Larkin The Samson House Board

Captivated By Masculinity (+ Baritone Voices)

Tuesday, (11/26) my youngest daughter and I screened "Gladiator II" at our local cinema.  Interestingly enough, "Gladiator I" was released in 2000 when I was 28 years old.  Back then, I was absolutely captivated by masculinity.  To the point that seeing a film that so celebrated it (as "Gladiator I" did) would have only sent me deeper into private despairing.  For masculinity (as I perceived it) had enough gravitational pull to consistently hijack my thoughts, causing me to ruminate / obsess in such a way that could easily be described as cerebral / emotional bondage.  As such, particular as a newlywed, I felt the only means of escape was to avoid entertainment firstly that celebrated it (as "Gladiator I" so successfully / ostentatiously did).

To summarize, the BIG, seemingly unsolvable problem I faced in 2000 was LACK OF TRUST in the masculine, and all of that pointed primarily back to my laughably insecure, longstanding kinship with my father.

Now, hear me here.  I didn't type FEAR.  No.  There was no FEAR of the masculine as if it was going to harm / ridicule me.  Instead, it was a distinct LACK OF TRUST.  Obviously, there's a monumental difference between LACK OF TRUST and FEAR.  The former leaves you ISOLATED (left to fend for oneself singularly) as a man whereas the latter incites a myriad of reactionary negative emotions (dread, torment, fatalism) that are directly tied to the "what if?".  

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Now, let's focus on ISOLATION as a result of my LACK OF TRUST and how these two things perpetuated my same-sex attraction. 

Firstly though, I have never felt as if I should be female.  Being male was who I felt securely established to be and, as a result, 100% at peace with.  It was my perception of masculinity (based on my life's narrative) that I failed to comfortably embrace / lean into.  Considering that statement, let me reiterate that I also didn't feel feminine, nor did I wish to be feminine, though I did have a healthy trust in the feminine. Therefore, I absolutely was settled into my understanding of the masculine, yet my hurdle therein was managing the LACK OF TRUST in the concept itself as well as the relinquishing of / backing away from the perceived SAFETY I'd achieved via my longstanding (coping mechanism) ISOLATION.   

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The second Samson weekend intensive I attended was during the spring of 2016.  Our group of +/-20 Jackson Metro Samson guys traveled to beautiful Highlands, NC, staying in a multi-million-dollar vacation property (nestled inside an exclusive golf course development) owned by one of my fellow perverts' parents.

During our off ramping from a full day of whitewater rafting, every last one of us made a beeline to the men's changing room / bathroom.  For it had been a chilly day to be on the river, therefore wetsuits were required.  Once I made my way inside, our fearless leader (meeting facilitator) announced the presence of a same-sex attracted man (Rob) within their hetero-majority.  I remember everyone silently agreeing with me that what had been decreed was very unnecessary / over the top, and as such, it made me realize just how protected (& loved) I truly was within that Motley Crue (it's important to note that our facilitator was known for insensitive remarks). 

To take that a step further, this was the first time I'd experienced being silently buttressed and therefore affirmed via other men.  Straight men.  Masculine men.  All of which were crammed, as I was, within a too small changing / shower room after a fun-filled day in beautiful Appalachia (think Mirror Universe Deliverance).     

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During that same intensive weekend, I had the good fortune of rooming with Silas 1.0.  The space we bunked within was a sizable "bonus room" (situated above the carport) within this multi-story vacation home.  As such, since it was stationed somewhat by itself, there was a sense of privacy / secrecy that few, if any, of our Samson bunkmates experienced.  Specifically, Silas 1.0 slept on a sleeper sofa while I slept on an air mattress.  Though we only spent time alone together within that space to mostly sleep, it still delivered a deep sense of exclusivity within me.  For Silas 1.0 knew my issues with same-sex attraction.  He also knew (& had heard ad nauseum) of my termination from DSU three years prior (& therefore was privy to my pain).  At the time, the level of interest this man exhibited in spending time with me was almost too much for me to believe.  And though this intense platonic attraction naturally waned over time, this sweet season served me well in regard to me choosing to make a conscious effort to TRUST the masculine as I'd never done prior.  

This Samson friendship was one of the firsts that truly gave me credence to begin to TRUST the masculine.

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As an aside, masculinity for me is most effectively presented by men who are also blessed with a baritone speaking voice.  "Gladiator I" served to rocket Mr. Russell Crowe to instant stardom.  In many ways, as the heir apparent of the then well-established Aussie crown (from the original baritone, Mr. Mel Gibson).  

Crowe's voice is deeply masculine, sounding absolutely delicious whilst recorded.  

"Gladiator II"'s protagonist is played by Irish actor, Mr. Paul Mescal.  Arguably, his voice is as deep as Mr. Mel Gibson's has ever been, making it equally delicious to listen to.  

Why is this important to identify?

Baritone voices are intimidating.  They're more animalistic.  Threatening.  And this is mostly due to how they carry combined with how powerfully distinct they are.  

I have an uncle whose voice is beautifully baritone.  As a relative, he's unpredictable and threatening (he's a drug addict, thief and compulsive liar).  Yet, even today at the age of almost 75, his presence / the thought of his presence is just as intimidating as ever. Of all the men I've personally known throughout my life, he represents a masculinity that's the absolute most threatening.   

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As our "early arrival '24 Samson Summit entourage" was finishing up our "meet & eat" late lunch at some nondescript Fayetteville, NC BBQ joint a few weeks back, I was singled out by one of the most resolutely masculine men I know in Samson Society.  As such, he asked me specifically to ride with him (within his newly purchased X3) out to Camp Dixie.  We chatted throughout our 20-minute journey as the cloudy, rainy setting whizzed by.  He'd been en route from middle TN for well over six hours (earlier that day), having endured no less precipitation throughout.  Hence, the gloriously anticipated drive had left him with a lot to be desired.  

Therefore, again, he asked me to join him for the last, very short leg of his trip.  Me?!?

This man is a few years older than I am, and as such, is 100% at peace with himself.  I know segments of his story, but like myself, he's reached a point where it's the present and future that he's most interested in focusing on. 

Initially, when I first met this man (2017), I feared him.  Not anymore.  Especially after his personal invitation to transport me to Camp Dixie.  What a blessing that was.  It served as the cake beneath the icing. 

I came away feeling absolutely his equal.  And that, my friend, I never, ever saw coming.