With Friendship in Decline, Belonging Is a Powerful Apologetic (thegospelcoalition.org)
Monday, June 26, 2023
Sunday, June 25, 2023
"Open Share" - JR Everhart
The more I watch porn the more it leaves me desiring physical intimacy with a real woman. At the same time, it rubs my face into the shit of my loneliness, leaving me feeling like I’m not worthy of real connection. I’m single (divorced) and have no one in my life to experience physical touch with, yet touch is my love language. Without it, I feel empty and detached from love. I’m so hard-wired from my childhood abuse to translate touch into acceptance and validation that I struggle to enjoy all the other successes in my life. It doesn’t seem to matter how much money I make or stuff I buy, I still feel empty without it. So, I find myself in cycles of touching myself and in turn fantasizing therein of intimate moments with my ex-wife or other women from my past that I felt deeply connected to. Porn lubricates this process. But sadly, it only adds to the burden of weight I’m already carrying by stacking shame and guilt on top of all the loneliness and depression. “Oh wretched man that I am…who can save me from this body of death and heal my broken wounds…?" Yeah, I know… Jesus. And as much as I truly love him and have dedicated my life to him, I have to somehow live with the idea that he’s never going to be able to lay in bed with me and meet my physical needs. Yet, I’m trapped in this body that relentlessly cries out for comfort via physical touch.
I’m so very thankful and grateful for my relationship with Christ. Honestly, I am. I could have never made it this far without him. But I’m still here fighting my flesh for holiness. I do desire holiness and in tandem, wish to walk in his ways. Sometimes, I feel as if I’m pretty close to doing that. But, I almost always fail, finding myself returning to the reliability of pornographic / lustful self-indulgence. I believe I've walked as close to Christ as anyone could ever hope to, yet even in my brightest hour, there was still a smoldering of lust within the basement of my mind. I often chose to ignore it, but it was always there, patiently waiting. Knowing that it was only a matter of time before I fell to its temptation. This is why the enemy’s accusations resonate. (It’s because there're true!) I have done all of the things I’m accused of. That’s what my guilt and shame are built upon. As such, our humanity tell us, “I will suffer for what I’ve done and deserve too…” Therein lies the shame identity I struggle with.
But I know God's grace is bigger and stronger than my sin. I fully understand the gift of salvation through Jesus, and not through JR’s good behavior. But I’m damn tired of fighting the fight and still feeling like I’m unworthy of love and companionship. I’m tired of being so enlightened and free that I can’t stand to be in the same room with a broken woman. I’m tired of walking away from first dates and knowing I have no desire to see that person ever again. I hate the chase, the drama, and the "let-downs" of middle-aged dating. I’m tired of trying to be a decent person who depends on God and feeling like my prayers aren’t going past the ceiling fan. The whole human experience is just exhausting, and I’m over here praying for God to open my eyes to life being a gift! Meanwhile, I’m just ready to cross the Jordan and take hold of my eternal reward. I’m tired of eating crap salad and not being able to enjoy anything anymore. When does it all get better? Where are my blessings that God knows I truly desire?
Any of this sound familiar? I think it’s a natural reaction to longing for our eternal home. The troubles and hardships of life just grind us to a nub sometimes. I’m there, tired and burnt out and in need of a physical touch I may or may never experience again. I like what the book, The Cure, says about changing our focus from fixing ourselves to just being open about our struggles. But it’s hard to truly feel comfortable regarding admitting to my sin. I know in my spirit that it wars against God's good purpose for my life. But hey, at this stage of the game, I’ll take anything new to try and break free from even 1% of my struggles. There has to be more to this life than money and loneliness. Thanx for letting me share… I'm JR.
Saturday, June 24, 2023
Thursday, June 22, 2023
Tuesday, June 20, 2023
"The Gift Of Life" - JR Everhart
I recently heard someone on a podcast talking about our life here on Earth as a gift from God. This really hit a nerve with me because my life here on Earth has be full of abuse, pain, and sorrow. My views about the human experience have always been from the perspective of just trying to survive each day in a manner that pleases God in order to someday live out eternity with Jesus in the paradise of heaven. Many times, I’ve pondered specifically regarding the purpose of all this here on Earth. It’s never made sense to me until I started to look at it through God's eyes.
He created us in his image and out of his great love. From that love flows the breath of life. He gave us a gift when he breathed life into us. As such, the purpose of the human experience is to commune with God, trust him and live in his fullness, but that’s easier said than done.
From the second we drew our first breath, the enemy has been tainting our world as we perceive it In my case, he began positioning the people who would abuse, weaving decades of lies and deception throughout. Dysfunction and chaos is the name of Satan's game. He is the father of lies, and he loves to bring distortion into our individual perspective which consistently tempts us and allures. This experience is so circumspect that it becomes part of our "atmosphere", and thereby just seems copasetic. It’s just another day in the life of the human experience. I’ve often said the biggest culture shock of heaven will be the silencing of the enemy’s lies and no more need for resistance. We can't even begin to conceive what that peaceful experience will truly be like. We are so accustomed to the stench of this world that we will only realize how bad it truly was when we are released from its grip. Most people I know, within my circle of friends, are ready for this purified existence, and therefore welcome the idea of death which will bring freedom from this worlds grip.
All that being said, how am I supposed to see my life as a gift from God in the face of all this horror?
Freedom from this world's stress and anxiety is as easy as just letting go. I in no way have this mindfulness mastered, but I'm beginning to get there. When I stop allowing myself to be so emotionally invested in the cares of this world, and start talking about my failures openly with other godly men, I sense a decompression within my spirit. When I stop allowing the world around me to tell me how I should feel - or react to - I find freedom. I’ve often heard the phrase “let go, and let God…”, but I’ve never really tried to do that (though it did look good on a bumper sticker or a t-shirt). Nonetheless, this concept held no power or influence in how I lived my life.
Overall, the enemy has me so focused on the stressors of this world, or the things that are causing me discomfort that I can’t see God's gift of life. For example, a striking sunset, a child laughing, the joys of helping someone in need, or the playfulness of our inner child.
When’s the last time you just treated yourself to a day of hanging out with friends and laughing? Or took a drive into the mountains and just enjoyed the smell of God's untainted creation? A friend of mine used to say that “God gave us celebration and good times with friends to offset the horror of this world and the battles against the enemy…” (I like that).
About three years ago, I was serving with an older (72 years old) Christian brother in a Celebrate Recovery program. This brother had spent his life as a counselor and had a master's degree therein. He and I had some different views on the Bible, but I respected the brother greatly. He offered me plentiful amounts of wise counsel, and as such, I’ve always felt called to counseling within my own life. Hence, I viewed our paths crossing as timely, and I tried to learn from him what I could. Something he would always ask me is “what are you doing for recreation?” At first, I had no answer. I’m a workaholic and never gave the notion of dedication recreation-time any thought. Please know that this was at a time in my life wherein I was struggling with horrible anxiety and panic attacks.
Three things pulled me out of that mess. One - a change in my diet. Two - finally talking about some family secrets I had never shared before. Three - making recreation a priority in my life.
One year later, I was off all the anxiety meds and living at a different level of satisfaction. All of this was happening in the middle of my third marriage falling apart. Looking back, I still can’t believe I survived that season with such strength and victory! No doubt, it sucked! And, three years later, I still miss my ex-wife. But, the anxiety and panic attacks never came back.
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 | NLT
Not caring about the junk of this world results in peace! And that peace will guard our hearts and minds! This is the gift of life I was missing for all those years. This is how God wants us to live. This is what Jesus died to give us. Freedom to serve and enjoy the fruits of God's blessings, even in times of suffering. There will always be things to be thankful for. I regularly count my blessings and thank God for the life he’s blessed me with.
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