"Open Share" - JR Everhart

The more I watch porn the more it leaves me desiring physical intimacy with a real woman.  At the same time, it rubs my face into the shit of my loneliness, leaving me feeling like I’m not worthy of real connection.  I’m single (divorced) and have no one in my life to experience physical touch with, yet touch is my love language.  Without it, I feel empty and detached from love.  I’m so hard-wired from my childhood abuse to translate touch into acceptance and validation that I struggle to enjoy all the other successes in my life.  It doesn’t seem to matter how much money I make or stuff I buy, I still feel empty without it.  So, I find myself in cycles of touching myself and in turn fantasizing therein of intimate moments with my ex-wife or other women from my past that I felt deeply connected to.  Porn lubricates this process.  But sadly, it only adds to the burden of weight I’m already carrying by stacking shame and guilt on top of all the loneliness and depression.  “Oh wretched man that I am…who can save me from this body of death and heal my broken wounds…?"  Yeah, I know… Jesus.  And as much as I truly love him and have dedicated my life to him, I have to somehow live with the idea that he’s never going to be able to lay in bed with me and meet my physical needs.  Yet, I’m trapped in this body that relentlessly cries out for comfort via physical touch. 

I’m so very thankful and grateful for my relationship with Christ.  Honestly, I am.  I could have never made it this far without him.  But I’m still here fighting my flesh for holiness.  I do desire holiness and in tandem, wish to walk in his ways.  Sometimes, I feel as if I’m pretty close to doing that.  But, I almost always fail, finding myself returning to the reliability of pornographic / lustful self-indulgence.  I believe I've walked as close to Christ as anyone could ever hope to, yet even in my brightest hour, there was still a smoldering of lust within the basement of my mind.  I often chose to ignore it, but it was always there, patiently waiting.  Knowing that it was only a matter of time before I fell to its temptation.  This is why the enemy’s accusations resonate.  (It’s because there're true!)  I have done all of the things I’m accused of.  That’s what my guilt and shame are built upon.  As such, our humanity tell us, “I will suffer for what I’ve done and deserve too…”  Therein lies the shame identity I struggle with. 

But I know God's grace is bigger and stronger than my sin.  I fully understand the gift of salvation through Jesus, and not through JR’s good behavior.  But I’m damn tired of fighting the fight and still feeling like I’m unworthy of love and companionship.  I’m tired of being so enlightened and free that I can’t stand to be in the same room with a broken woman.  I’m tired of walking away from first dates and knowing I have no desire to see that person ever again.  I hate the chase, the drama, and the "let-downs" of middle-aged dating.  I’m tired of trying to be a decent person who depends on God and feeling like my prayers aren’t going past the ceiling fan.  The whole human experience is just exhausting, and I’m over here praying for God to open my eyes to life being a gift!  Meanwhile, I’m just ready to cross the Jordan and take hold of my eternal reward.  I’m tired of eating crap salad and not being able to enjoy anything anymore.  When does it all get better?  Where are my blessings that God knows I truly desire? 

Any of this sound familiar? I think it’s a natural reaction to longing for our eternal home.  The troubles and hardships of life just grind us to a nub sometimes.  I’m there, tired and burnt out and in need of a physical touch I may or may never experience again.  I like what the book, The Cure, says about changing our focus from fixing ourselves to just being open about our struggles.  But it’s hard to truly feel comfortable regarding admitting to my sin.  I know in my spirit that it wars against God's good purpose for my life.  But hey, at this stage of the game, I’ll take anything new to try and break free from even 1% of my struggles.  There has to be more to this life than money and loneliness. Thanx for letting me share…  I'm JR.