"Dinner With Jesus" - JR Everhart

“Look! I stand at the door and knock.  If you hear My voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends."  Revelation 3:20 | NLT

This scripture blows my mind and breaks me every time I read it.  It always reminds me of this Old Testament scripture: 

“Come now, and let us reason together,”says the Lord,“though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

Isaiah 1:18 | NKJV

God wants to be my friend.  He likes me; he sees my internal struggles with sin and only asks that we sit down and reason these things out.  No matter how lost I am and rejected by everyone around me, Jesus is still saying - I will sit with you and break bread.  That is the opposite of how we typically treat each other, and it reveals how distorted our view of God's character is.  Jesus walked the Earth like one of us, but he was never one of us.  He never responded to this world's temptation as we do, nor to its horror as we do.  He had compassion for the hurting, and patience with the disciples when they would bicker and argue amongst themselves.  His life left such an impression on his followers that countless people have given their lives for the cause of Christ.  Yet, he knocks at the door of my heart everyday - just wanting to come in and have dinner with me.  To sit and converse with me about my life. 

So many times, we invite Jesus into our lives but not into the dark corners of our secrets and hardest struggles. I know personally that I’ll ask for forgiveness for the sin I allow into my life regularly, but rarely do I talk to him about the blueprints of my choosing sin over and over.  Some days it’s anger and malice, other days it’s things I’m so ashamed of I wouldn’t dare speak about it.  But in the dark alleys of my poor choices, Jesus stands and says “come to me, I see your pain and I know why you do these things.  I was there weeping with you during your abuse and abandonment.  Come let’s break bread and sit for awhile, I want to hear about your pain…” This scripture explains why… 

"But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole.  He was whipped so we could be healed." Isaiah 53:5 | NLT

I believe that when Jesus was hanging on the cross at Calvary, he could see our rebellion and weight of sin for all of mankind and asked the Father, “ Forgive them for they know not what they do…” Luke 23:34.  Jesus felt the pain of my child abuse; the King James translation of Isaiah 53:5 says “The chastisement of our peace was upon him…” which means anytime our peace has been attacked or abused Jesus felt that at Calvary.  He took all of our suffering upon himself so that we could stand strong and proud of his redemptive work and march forward.  Yes, I know we still suffer many things in this world.  The human experience is full of suffering.  But when we suffer, we can find peace in the fact that Jesus gave us freedom over this world's suffering.  So, we don’t have to allow that suffering to control our lives or trigger toxic behavior.  We are overcomers!  A dear friend of mine once told me that “we can’t be overcomers without something to overcome…”  Jesus settled it this way…

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me.  Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 | NLT

And yet again he knocks… inside our sin and shame - he knocks.  He sees all from a heavenly vantage point. And the culture of heaven is of healing and restoration.  Even in the face of our cycles of failure.  He knocks and still wants to have dinner with us.  Will you open the door and welcome him into your pain and sorrow?  Until we get comfortable with exposing our darkness to his light, we will remain lost in the forest of our sorrow.  With a handful of tickets already paid for, there’s nowhere to spend these dreams on the midway.  We just stand there alone and afraid that this will be the rest of our lives.  Lost in empty suffering, abandoned without hope of rescue.  For some of us, this has been our lives for far too long. Answer the door… 

Recommended Viewing

The Isolating Distortion That's Ushered In Via Paranoia

 

Paranoid people have a propensity to twist almost everything you do for them.  They'll do the same with whatever you say to or about them (even if it's obviously said in harmless fun).  Like the definition states above:  "They take nothing at face value".  

Besides my father, I encountered my first paranoid adult in the form of my first boss (back in 1995).  That relationship was short-lived (I was laid off after +/-1 year).  Boss #3 (real job #3) served to reanimate that exact same experience.  

Initially, I didn't see this bossman's paranoia (it had been some time since I'd experienced this relationally within a vocational setting), but eventually, I recognized it clearly for what it was (along with my vocational colleagues).  Due to the fact that this was a state government position, my boss' paranoia was somewhat easier to stomach overall - day in and day out.  That being said, over time, it did become overbearing.

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What can be done whilst forced to engage with paranoid individuals (parental / vocational / volunteer)?

[& please know this is assuming the paranoid person isn't aware / willing to take ownership of said paranoia.]

Separate yourself.  And not necessarily physically but emotionally.  And the reason I recommend this is to be best prepared to guard your own heart from their accusations (which can be exceedingly hurtful / confusing).  

When paranoid people feel threatened, their rational mind runs screaming from the building.  And this is when everything goes ape shit (for both you and them if they're in any position of authority over you).

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What is a root cause of paranoia?

I believe in many cases it's self-loathing.  Self-loathing that refuses to permit the paranoid individual from trusting by default.  

So, who do these individuals trust?  Anyone?

Based on my observations, I believe they trust, much more easily, individuals who're publicized as trustworthy.  For example, television / radio personalities / authors / pastors and certain entertainers.  Obviously, these are all professional trust-sellers who've garnered fame by popularizing trust in they themselves, their philosophy, story, etc.  

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Enjoy walking on eggshells and subsequently being exhausted?  Hang out with the paranoid.    

Even better, go marry or work for one.  

Recommended Reading

 Fathering Future Men: Twelve Lessons from Four Decades | Desiring God

Honoring The Mother Ship's (First Baptist Church Jackson) Cherished '70s / '80s' Pastor - Dr. Frank Pollard - 10/01/78 transcript

 

Recommended Viewing

Re-Do This For Me, My Brother, & Let Not My (Or Your) Experience Be Anything Other Than My (Your) Very Own

 

Prior to Rob becoming involved in Samson Society, I had a brief stint with another, wholly localized men's ministry.  That ministry was BPO (Business & Professional Outreach) International (Phil Hardin, Director) headquartered (at the time) here in central MS.

Back in February of 2014, I attended a Deer Camp men's retreat (the flagship experience of BPO) in rural Holmes County at the behest of Phil.  I'd attended a couple of therapy sessions with him at his Clinton, MS home (where he also had his office), and he strongly recommended I come to the forthcoming February retreat.

I became familiar with Hardin in early 2012.  At that time, he was leading a very unique Bible-study / encouragement / commentary session(s) at a Fondren coffee shop on Friday mornings.  After being invited to this gathering (and attending on-&-off regularly for a few months), I was impressed by Phil's immense confidence and swagger.  Considering that, what was unusual about this weekly meeting was how out-of-place I sensed I was.  And this was seemingly due to me not having had a "Deer Camp" weekend retreat experience to filter these (what were intended to be follow-up) gatherings through.

As a sidenote, Phil has always reminded me of Deep South version of Howard Stern, and as such, I could immediately understand why so many men flocked to his teaching / encouragement.  The genuine comfort-level he displayed with himself and his own story, combined with his intelligence / presentation skills, was so unusual to come across here in Mississippi.  All in all, there was no denying his counseling skillset combined with a deep-seated passion for reaching / ministering to men in crisis.

It's important to note too that Rob's Deer Camp weekend was pro bono.  Phil gifted this to me out of pity relative to my monetary situation (I had just started working for my 'rents, drawing a minimal salary) at the time.  Hence, I had no billfold skin in the game.

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The Deer Camp facility in rural Holmes County has been upgraded considerably since I was there in 2014.  I'd heard of these upgrades and received confirmation therein via some photos I saw last weekend. 

Those photos were taken by a "Make Thursdays Great Again" Samson guy who posted them via Slack.  He was there, along with +/-10 other Samson guys, for a "Samson Society Men's Intensive" hosted by Mr. Roane Hunter and his son.  

Mr. Roane Hunter is a close friend of Phil Hardin (who lead the Deer Camp retreat I attended in 2014).  In fact, Roane was present at the retreat I attended 8.5 years ago, though more of a therapeutic background figure throughout.  Roane's persona is much more pastoral than Phil's.  He comes across like a big, all-smiles Mississippi teddy bear that's "simply here to help / provide encouragement".  

As a sidenote, I listened to his son on the latest "Pirate Monk Podcast", and immediately could hear the genuinely nice guy similarities between his mid-30s self and his dad.

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It's important to note that my Silas attended last weekend's "Samson Society Men's Intensive" hosted by Roane Hunter and his son there in rural Holmes County (same facility I was at).  As such, his experience I'm anticipating hearing about.  For now, though, I'm going to spend some time relaying my own tale, as best as I can remember it from 2014.  And the reason I'm chronicling this here is to drive home the point that timing is critical whilst involving oneself in endeavors like what I'm about to describe.  Therefore, allow my experience (hinged directly on my then freshly traumatized state of mind) to serve as food for thought for you.    

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Some of the worst experiences of my life have been ones where I was "publicly" humiliated (by people I genuinely admired / looked up to).  As a textbook introvert, I'm especially sensitive to receiving criticism in a group setting (opposed to one-on-one).  As a sidenote, this constitutes the very antithesis of Samson Society.  

Four months prior to the 2014 Deer Camp men's retreat that I gained the privilege to attend, I'd been fired from Delta State University by my boss, the university's CFO.  There with us during that vitriol evisceration was the university's female Human Resources VP (as a party to the termination).  

Had the HR VP not been present, the degree of trauma received likely would have been far less for Rob (particularly considering the termination subject matter - gay porn - indirectly discussed).  Nonetheless, much of what was said, how it was said and the setting upon which it was said left Rob in a crumbling heap of traumatization.     

The best way to describe what I experienced emotionally is as follows:  It was as if my (fairly new) boss (who I highly respected - moreso than any boss I'd worked for prior) removed my heart and submerged it in acid via the accusatory tone / diction he harnessed during that fifteen-minute meeting.  I'd not experienced such direct demonization - to this degree - prior to this.  It was a truly horrifying experience, particularly coming from the hands of a CPA / MBA.

Throughout the course of the following 30 days (post-termination), I lost fourteen pounds due to my loss of appetite.  I also didn't sleep during that time period for more than 3-4 hours a night.  By the time February of 2014 (the month of the aforementioned Deer Camp men's retreat) arrived, I was in the throes of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Overall, my bout with PTSD lasted for (+/-18) months with my final flashback occurring in March of 2015. 

PTSD is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  It was hell on Earth to walk through.

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ROB WAS IN NO MENTAL / EMOTIONAL SHAPE TO BE BLINDLY ATTENDING A WEEKEND-LONG MEN'S RETREAT (WITH STRANGERS) IN RURAL HOLMES COUNTY, MS IN FEBRUARY OF 2014.  

I cannot emphasize this enough.  

The emotional trauma I was just beginning to nurse / work through made me EXTREMELY EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE to negative feedback / criticism / feelings of rejection.  Under normal circumstances, that wouldn't have been the case, but my situation was not at all normal.

At this time, I was desperate to seek out help combined with no real clue as to where or how to find it.  But, as you'll recall me mentioning, I had been privy to Hardin's BPO ministry - on the surface - prior to me taking the Campus Architect position at Delta State University in late 2012 (via the Friday coffee shop Bible Study meetings that I'd been invited to attend).

Nonetheless, the secretive nature of what actually would occur at "Deer Camp" gave me no means to properly adjudicate the relevancy (for such as time as that) of this weekend.

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Here's some commentary on that specific Deer Camp weekend that I experienced:

I vividly remember working hard, throughout the weekend, to listen in earnest.  Starting Friday night, immediately following a screening of '97's Affliction, we listened to men share story after story after story.  This went on well into the evening, only to begin again, in earnest, on Saturday morning (after hearing Hardin's own harrowing story).  By this point, I was completely oversaturated, but we weren't even halfway through with the weekend.  

I think you get the point relative to what was being asked of everyone involved.  This was one of those boots-on-the-ground experiences that demanded full attention of one's synapses throughout.

Exceedingly late into Saturday evening, God called up Rob's number, and I was given the floor.  And man, oh man, did I ever take advantage of my share time.  Once I concluded my 20-minute tale, I sat down and braced myself with what little emotional armor I had left (by this point, it was close to midnight and freezing cold out there in the open air).   

I won't repeat what sort of feedback I received because it doesn't matter.  My point is I wasn't prepared for any of it.  The timing was wrong.  Satan had used my desperate, vulnerable, shamed state of mind to seek out an IMMEDIATE / QUICK-FIX healing / help against me.  As such, once again, I found myself subject to his direct attacks (as I'd been at Delta State University) by individuals I barely knew (yet who spoke with tremendous authority) but had chosen to trust.  This made me feel quite asinine.

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"Help me, Lord Jesus!"  

I was fit to be tied.  And what I mean by that is Satan brought upon me - within just a few additional months (post Deer Camp retreat) of 2014 - a malicious spirit that chided me constantly with the question:

"WHY DON'T YOU KILL YOURSELF?  WHY DON'T YOU KILL YOURSELF?  WHY DON'T YOU..."

Never had I experienced anything like this cruel accuser. 

At first, I chalked it up to how physiologically disrupting the job-loss demonization had been.  But, when the voice continued to taunt me day after day (especially whilst being alone with my thoughts), I knew I needed someone to confide in regarding this curse.     

Thanks be to God for my sweet wife.  At first, I'm not so sure she believed me, but within a few days, after being given the opportunity to size-up my situation more holistically, she urged me to talk to my father about my suicidal thoughts.  Once I had that emotionally harrowing exchange, he reached out to Mr. Don Waller, the facilitator of the First Baptist Church Jackson Samson Society group, on my behalf.  

By this time, it was August of 2014, therefore the misery I'd been experiencing via PTSD had been ongoing now for (+/-6) months.  

Thanks be to God for Don and for Samson Society.  Every week since then, I've attended at least one meeting (either face-to-face or virtual).  Being able to provide commentary therein sans any feedback / crosstalk has made a world of difference within my life.  Not to mention the relationships I've developed with so many Samson guys through the years (Silases and otherwise).

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Be mindful of where you're at emotionally before stepping into circumstances where you'll be challenged to defend (either internally or otherwise) yourself / your own story.  Therapists like Phil Hardin, because they're so immeasurably comfortable within their own skin, rarely pull punches whilst providing feedback.  Recognize that before situating yourself under their guise.

And if you attend an outdoor / semi-outdoor men's retreat in February, pack a pair of jeans.  It can get chilly in Mississippi (especially after dark) in February.

RIDE ON!

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