Friday, August 5, 2022
Thursday, August 4, 2022
"Truth In Suffering" - JR Everhart
My life is such a bag of contradictions. I am Roman’s 7 over and over again. I find myself doing the exact things I do not want to do. I’m a big ball of unwanted behavior on a multitude of levels. My sexuality is broken and distorted. My anger and bitterness rage in me like waves in the ocean, no matter how hard I try to practice self-control. I am a man out of control in so many ways, and it has created layers of suffering in my life. That suffering triggers all my self-hatred and shame for the mistakes I’ve made. And thus, the cycle of shame and sin become my day-to-day life. I act out from the depths of my suffering and impatience. I make rash decisions, frustrated with the burden of loneliness and emptiness. So many times, I walk away from God's direction and pathway - through the valley of the shadow of death - paralyzed with fear before turning right around and walking back into the darkness he delivered me from. This is only because I am more comfortable with the familiar darkness of bondage than with the unconditional surrender of trusting God. Trading God's peace and uncomfortable suffering for the enemy’s suffering, which has been like a toxic friend; this has been the track record of most of my adult life. The enemy tells me God's never going to help me, and I’ve been abandoned by him; left in a desert of my own evil desires. Trapped in a prison of my own design. Forever bound to push the rock up the hill - to only get kicked back down the hill - at the first sign of success or victory. All the while, so lost in such a deep web of lies that I’m ready to sell my birthright for a bowl of soup. In these times, I can see no good in this world, and that makes me want to try and reach for whatever pleasure I can find on my own. All and all, I’m exhausted and broken down to the point that I can’t tell which direction is up.
All of us have felt some form of this within our lives, no one is exempt from it. Satan pours out his elixir of poison and lies to us all. The only way out of this pit is through our Savior Jesus. We really don’t understand what he felt on the cross while crying out to God, “Father why have you forsaken me…” until you’ve looked into the eyes of the enemy’s work - living in you, staring back at you in the mirror and laughing. That is the bottom of the coal black sin living in our flesh. It would murder your loved ones and rape your neighbor's teenage daughters if it weren’t for the power of Christ’s work on the cross. This was the demonic spirituality that ruled Sodom and why God had to destroy that horrible city. Their sexual sin was only the tip of the iceberg. If you don’t believe me, ask someone who has come from a foreign land where women and children were abused and killed for sport. I know it sounds crazy to our western minds, but it happens every day all over the third world. So many times, I think about how my life would be different had I been born in Somalia or Croatia or even West Africa. I have so much to be thankful for and am regularly blinded to how good I really have it. My suffering is so laughable to the suffering of most of today's third world.
God loves me and pursues me inside my sin every day. He never gets frustrated with me and always approaches me with gentleness and kindness. He’s not mad at me or was in anyway surprised by my failures. His only desire is that I open my eyes and come home to his welcoming arms of love and acceptance. He’s ready to throw a party and celebrate my return every time I turn to him for forgiveness and restoration. He never gets tired of picking me up and setting me back on solid ground. His grace and mercies endure forever and ever. I am worthy, not because of my behavior but because of Jesus. King David wasn’t a man after God's own heart because his behavior was perfect. No, it was because of his desire to repent and live in genuine truth. God is truth in its purist form, and he must be worshiped in spirit and in truth. That’s his heart, truth… and we should be chasing after that heart of truth every day. God's not worried about your failures; he knew you were going to fail before the foundations of the universe. His desire is for you to live in truth. Truth about your suffering and sin. David never tried to justify his sin. He owned it and ran to the father for restoration desiring to make amends for his wrongs. He lived in real truth about his human experience. We are not humans having a spiritual experience. We are eternal spirits having a human experience. I have to remind myself of this over and over. My flesh did not get saved, and it’s not going to heaven. It’s going back to the dust for which it came from. We are only aliens here in a strange land that does not like us. This is the truth David understood and it was these characteristics that God was referring to when he called him a man after his own heart. Truth… it’s the only way.
Honest expression about our feelings, failures, and fears is what robs them of their power over us. But instead, we often choose to isolate and push God out of the way of our desires and passions of this world. This is the foundation of all the enemy’s tactics. He entices and entices and then laughs at us as we swallow the forbidden fruit. He slithers away and only returns to deepen the wound after it's had time to fester.
I 100% know the enemy wants me to kill myself. All his tactics against me are laser focused on laying a trap of self-hatred and denial until I feel like I have nothing to lose in taking my own life. I know that sounds extreme, but it’s the reality of my day-to-day life. I grew up surrounded by suicide, therefore it’s always been on the table; without Christ I would already be dead. Even now the enemy’s telling me “it’s only a matter of time…”, but I have purpose in this world regardless of the stupid stuff I’ve done. It’s amazing how quick people forget your mistakes when you just shut up, and put your head down. We have to get about the father's business. His grace is and always will be sufficient for all things. We can’t lose sight of that, or the horror cited above will quickly become our unmanageable reality once again. Glory to Jesus Christ for he did for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves. Hallelujah! 🙌🏻
Sunday, July 31, 2022
For Tenured Samson Guys, Church Can Seem Awfully Saccharine
Being reared in a megachurch (First Baptist Church Jackson) with the pedigree of a Huckleberry Finn, I simply stood back in awe of the spectacle, masses and outstanding preaching. As a teen, I was there during the late '80s when Dr. Frank Pollard (Senior Pastor) was in his prime (during his second appointment there). We attended both Sunday mornings and evenings, giving nary a second thought to driving all the way from humble (back then) Madison to downtown Jackson twice (+/25 minute car ride) on The Lord's Day.
Church provided teen Rob (only child) with so many good opportunities to be cared for by adults who weren't Bob and Darlene. Therein, I was lassoed in by the gospel at the tender age of 13. In many ways it was religiously idyllic. Especially considering the setting being Mississippi.
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Today, Samson Society provides the caring adults who support Rob, done so at a level (appropriately so) that's far more nuanced and intentional.
So where does that leave church?
Church, to me, is like going to the Y for a workout or down the Reservoir multi-purpose trail for a run. It's time well spent, but mostly, it's routine more than anything else.
Now, we tithe our 10% every month, and I sing in the Chancel Choir for both the Christmas and Easter cantatas, and I will keep doing that.
But, I don't work hard to make close Presbyterian friends, participate in either the domestic or overseas mission projects or aspire to become a deacon / elder at Lakeside Presbyterian Church.
Hence, some Sundays can be monotonous and thereby fatiguing.
But, there is one regularly scheduled church programming event (Fall / Spring) exception to this.
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One of the things I really like about our little community church is Wednesday nights. And not just due to the food line ("Family Night Supper").
When I was in late elementary school, Bob & Darlene would bring me to megachurch (First Baptist Church Jackson) for Wednesday evening service, and though the food was great, everything else about it sucked.
Primarily this had to do with the facilities, which were vast, but on Wednesday evenings, the attendance numbers were miniscule compared to Sunday mornings. Hence, the megachurch building felt daunting and frozen due to its emptiness.
As such, their formality was amplified that much more.
After that singular year (1985?), we discontinued attending Wednesday megachurch services because none of us liked it one bit.
Fast forward to today, and there's no doubt that Lakeside Pres' facilities are on the opposite end of the spectrum. They're not even, by definition, modest. Haphazard is the best descriptor I can think of. Yet, in so many ways, it's a perfect reflection of the community it serves, and this is due to the fact that the Reservoir area is such the Hodge Podge free-for-all / redneck resort paradise of the Jackson Metro.
Today, Wednesday nights at Lakeside Pres are typically jammed packed with middle to upper middle-class Presbyterians, easily stretching the seams of the '70ish facilities. It's borderline raucous. And I like that about it because it doesn't - in the slightest - reek of church. Plus, there are even a few occasions where Bible studies are enacted, following dinner, that are well worth the weekday evening invested.
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My wife, Angie, isn't involved in The Sarah Society (a women's equivalent to Samson Society), therefore her relationships at Lakeside Pres are (aspiringly) tantamount to the ones I enjoy via Samson. Therefore, on Sunday mornings, she lingers far longer than I do - after the service - to chat meaningfully with her friends. Angie's also far more likely to interject prayer requests during Sunday School, and she frequently attends a ladies' breakfast gathering amongst her middle-aged (& a few older) peers.
Angie loves Lakeside Pres. In fact, were she forced to choose between it and her husband, I'm pretty sure she'd choose Lakeside Pres.
And that makes me really happy because I believe church today is mostly geared towards women and meeting their spiritual needs. In conclusion, finding one where my wife feels communal makes me one quite content Samson guy.
Friday, July 29, 2022
Stand Up For Yourself. Samson Society Is A Selfish Pursuit. As You Mature In Your Recovery, Optimize Your Approach To Said Recovery.
You are loyal to no one within Samson Society. This is not a fraternity or a men's club. Samson Society isn't a discipleship group or a men's Sunday School class. It is a community of men seeking recovery, and you are responsible for taking full advantage therein relative to your specific recovery.
Both of my former Silases benefited Rob primarily via face-to-face meetings. And (mostly) it wasn't what was said during those junctures. No, it was simply the time spent together. Text-messages, telephone calls, etc. did little for me, though I certainly participated as such. Hence, I'm constrained (relative to meeting my specific needs), and I realize that. I believe this is why my recovery will never likely be, well, recovered. Obviously, there's only so much time available to commune with one's Silas face-to-face (that either he or I can stomach). Especially considering men's typical MO of doing 99% of male-to-male life in groups (3+).
An example of one of the very best "healing" face-to-face "sessions" between my first Silas and I happened in 2016 during the Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society Spring Retreat. And essentially, that "session" was comprised of me spending time with him alone or somewhat alone. During this retreat, we shared a room in the gloriously luxurious vacation home where the retreat was held, and though we only had a few private conversations therein, it was simply being alone with him that really mattered.
Why?
I don't really know. What I do know is it was soothing to be desired enough in that regard. Plus, it provided a counterweight to the ever-present din of the other Samson guys present.
I'm sure that sounds weird, but it's how I've come to understand myself. Likely there's something there related to me being an only child.
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My second Silas was wired similarly to me in this regard (he was also an only child). Hence, our relationship definitely played off of each other, but one thing that was really interesting about him was his sort of secret preference for unplanned face-to-face pursuit. Now, you need to know that this dude planned out every waking hour of his life, and I suppose me interrupting that needily basically gave him permission to throttle back "from the grind" in such a way that was especially acceptable / appreciated / desirable. I'm theorizing here.
I do know that his close proximity (he lived relatively close by) also facilitated these last-minute ("Catch me, I'm falling!") junctures. Having never lived so close to a Silas, the convenience was also positively affirming / comforting.
The only issue here was there were no regularly scheduled junctures, though I didn't recognize it at the time.
But, learn I did.
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Today, I'm involved in the "Make Thursdays Great Again" virtual Samson Society meeting which is made up of an amazing group of 30+ Samson guys, but interestingly enough, my present-day Silas happens to be local.
He and I have met face-to-face on three occasions over the past three months, and during our last rendezvous, I asked that we calendar our next two future junctures (which he agreed to). All-in-all, the plan is to rendezvous at lunch and at a local park (both) once a month. Therefore, about every two weeks is when we're slated to meet.
This too is easily facilitated due to how close in proximity we live to each other.
What's especially curious about how all of this played out is the following: my Silas was only vaguely familiar with Samson Society prior to this past April. Now, you must know that I have known him, as a distant friend, for well over a decade. And, I knew of his struggle with lust because he'd shared it with me at the outset of our relationship (+/-15 years ago). But back then, Samson wasn't an available resource to either of us, and the concept of recovery was irrelevant to either of us.
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Optimize your recovery in two ways: by making the best of opportunities and being assertive relative to the needs that specifically can be addressed (within reason) via your Silas. Do this well by learning, over time, as you relate to various men within this community. Recovery is as much about understanding and reacting to personal dynamics as it is to gaining perspective regarding both where you're at along The Path today and where you're wanting to be.
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