Recommended Reading

Me, Myself, and Lies: The Spiritual Dangers of Isolation | Desiring God

Do You Feel Threatened?

If someone is willing to arouse in you feelings of fear of rejection (by them), whether that someone is relationally connected to you on a familial or platonic level, there's no doubt something you've done (or position you've taken) that makes that individual very uncomfortable.  And based on my experience, the more undiluted that conviction (fueling that something), the greater - proportionally - their threats to modify the parameters of their relationship with you.  

When their feelings of uncomfortableness are clearly justified (righteously via conviction), all the more reason for you to stand your ground.  Do not back down.  No matter how intensely you might fear their rejection.  No matter how much is "on the line". 

Remember that it's more important for those within your sphere of influence to repent than it is for them to like or even accept you.  Their eternal story overshadows everything else.  Always.

You may be the best conduit for funneling the voice of the Holy Spirit due to your longstanding relational connection (as a son, daughter, parent, uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandfather, best friend, and so forth).  Use it humbly to their advantage, praying constantly for God's guidance.

And always, always rise above their threats.  

"Betrayal Trauma" By Mr. Max Morton

 I remember a Sunday night in church when I was six or seven years old. I was in a small class with some other kids and the teacher was quizzing us about the Disciples of Christ. She was asking us questions like, “Which disciple was a tax collector before he followed Jesus?” “Which disciple had a twin?” “Who was the disciple Jesus loved?”

Being a church kid (back when kids went to church on Sunday night, and Wednesday night) my competitive adrenaline was flowing and I wanted to show the teacher and the other kids I was the smartest Bible kid in the room. But I kept being tripped up on two questions the teacher asked. “Which disciple denied Jesus?” and “Which disciple betrayed Jesus?”

The teacher would ask me, “Which disciple betrayed Jesus?” I would answer “Peter” and she would say, “No, Peter denied Jesus.” It would come back around to my turn and she would ask “Which disciple denied Jesus?” and I would say “Judas.” I realize now that the reason I kept missing the questions was not because I didn’t know who Peter and Judas were, but because I didn’t know the meaning of the words betrayal and denial.

Unfortunately, now I am painfully aware of the meaning of both words. I know, first hand like Peter, what it means to pretend you don’t know Jesus when it suits the purpose of saving your skin, or your reputation. I know, like Judas, what it means to be driven by my own agenda, to deceive, to pretend to love and follow, when in reality I am scheming, manipulative and willing to sell someone out with a kiss.

I have done both.

Therapists have a thing they call “betrayal trauma.” Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. When a person is betrayed, the reaction varies from person to person but involves responses such as these. Betrayal causes trauma. 

When my wife discovered my porn addiction it caused her “betrayal trauma” to add to the long list of trauma she had previously had to navigate in her life. I didn’t realize at the time what I had dumped on her. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish we had been able to have conversations about how my betrayal traumatized her. Sadly, part of the response to this trauma was a strained relationship which ultimately ended in divorce. Our marriage has been over for more than three years now. I haven’t seen, spoken to her or had any contact with her for over two years. But I dreamt about her last night. Maybe I have some trauma still to be healed from the fall out of our relationship? Could I be in denial about my betrayal? I’m no different from Judas and Peter.

But when I think about that Sunday night in that classroom of kids learning about the people that followed Jesus, I desire to be more like Peter than Judas. Judas ended his own life because he couldn’t handle dealing with life because of what he did. He couldn’t get past the condemnation of his past.

By contrast, even though Peter denied even knowing Jesus (with cursing) three separate times went on to live in freedom from his sin. What was the difference between Peter and Judas? I believe Judas was a pawn of Satan, used in his evil plan to get rid of Jesus. John records at the last supper when Judas left to put the plan in motion, “the devil entered him.” Peter was restored to fellowship with Christ. In John 21 the resurrected Jesus appeared to his disciple again on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. There he had a conversation with Peter reversing his denial. Three times Peter denied Jesus, three times Jesus asked Peter if he loved him. When Peter answered in the affirmative each time Jesus followed with “feed my sheep.” A three-fold denial, a three-fold recovery and commissioning. This was why Peter in Acts 2 was able to interpret the actions of the Spirit and boldly declare the word of God resulting in over 3000 souls converted and added to the number of those following Jesus.

In my mind’s eye I go back to that classroom where six year old Max didn’t know the difference between Peter and Judas. Now I know the difference. Now I choose to follow Jesus like Peter, a restored son of the sovereign Lord.

Recommended Viewing

Recommended Reading - "Implicit Memories" excerpt. Authored by Mr. Curt Thompson (Anatomy Of The Soul)

“Making sense of your own implicit memories" 

Think back to a conversation you may recently have had with your child, the one in which you lost your temper.  Or the e-mail from your boss that seemed to confirm your suspicion that she is “out to get you.”  Imagine the dozens of interactions you have had with your friends, spouse, or parents in which you responded based on implicit memories without being aware of their connections to past experiences.  

Research in marriage and family therapy suggests that approximately 80 percent of the emotional conflict between couples is rooted in events that predate the couple knowing each other.  

That’s why one of the questions I commonly ask in marriage counseling is how much of each spouse’s reaction to the other is his or her “80 percent.”  In other words, how much of the conflict is not so much a direct outgrowth of a current event as something that flows from parts of their minds that are remembering?  

As you contemplate the recurring conflicts in your own life, I encourage you to consider how often you automatically react to other people’s words, actions, or body language in ways that seem to harm, rather than restore, your relationships.  Honestly evaluating your reactions enables you to redirect the focus of your search for a solution to a problem back to yourself.  At first glance this may not seem all that pleasant—you have enough problems; why do you need to take on more?  But there is great freedom in this discovery.  Though a somewhat trite expression, it remains true that the only thing you can truly change is your own behavior.  I want to emphasize that I am not suggesting that your problems are unrelated to outside forces or that other people don’t create real, objective difficulties for you.  Nor am I implying that your suffering is imagined or a product of unconscious memory.  No, I am only pointing out that in order for your experiences to change, you must first change what you are doing.  

From a memory standpoint, that means that you must be aware of how your own recollections, particularly your implicit ones, create problems that you may attribute solely to others’ behaviors and attitudes.  Another important reason to expose and address these unconscious memories is to relieve the existential pressure that builds up around current circumstances that evoke the implicit memory.  As you plunge your own hands into the soil of the story from which your implicit memory germinated, took root, and flowered, you may want to share these discoveries with the person with whom you are in conflict, assuming there is a mutual desire for growth in the relationship.  Often the one listening to your story will be more compassionate as he or she sees that you’re attempting to make sense of your response.  It is not hard to imagine the almost infinite ways that your implicit memory may be creating your future simply by firing the same wiring repeatedly, usually in an unconscious haze.  

Even if you are a follower of Jesus, you may not understand why you repeatedly behave in ways that get you and others close to you into trouble. The good news is that you do not have to remain in the morass of your implicit memory, straitjacketed by things you don’t know you don’t know.  Despite the fact that you cannot turn back the clock and change the actual events of your life, you can change your experience of what you remember and so change your memory. As you pay more attention to this possibility, you will become aware of what Jesus is doing in real time and space to facilitate healing and renew your mind.

Recommended Reading

Young People Are Lonelier Than Ever (vice.com)

Us Versus Them - Riding The Superiority Highhorse

The saddest character flaw I've personally witnessed is certain guy's penchant for gloating.  For it will serve to isolate him throughout the years of his life.  

Personally, the good that's come from recognizing this is how reticent it's made me as a Christian relative to transparency, particularly as it relates to my struggles with homosexual desires / lust / gay porn.  For I've found that transparency tends to open doors time and time again versus putting a bad taste in people's mouths.  Now, by saying that, it does not mean that I'm any less prideful than any other bloke.  Let's just say I realize how to keep that pride under wraps - most of the time.

Gloating is "dwelling on one's success or another's misfortune with smugness or malignant pleasure".

Some men love to gloat about sales successes in comparison to others (taking the opportunity to do this in front of almost anyone).  Others gloat about the "renewed success" of their church home versus other local churches.  Still others gloat about their favorite collegiate team's athletic successes whilst basking in the defeats of its rivals.  Some gloat about sportsmanship (hunting) successes.  And here recently, I've even seen guys gloat about the purported spirituality of the political candidates they support with gusto.

Gloating, for a handful of men, is sort of like breathing.  It happens without them even thinking about it.  And oftentimes, this is learned behavior that they've seen modeled by a parent.  Hence, it was normalized for them, and from there, simply became their own exercise in self-absorption.

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Gloating brings about feelings of superiority with an expectation that those listening in will too see the gloater as equally superior (buy in).  

Because most of us realize that these expectations are false, gloating typically is frowned upon within our culture and not something you see directly executed.  

Therefore, for most of us, we've learned to gloat indirectly through cultural (digital) machinations that are becoming more and more mainstream by the minute.  Machinations that justify their existence as vehicles of  "free speech".  And this gloating indirectly capitalizes on the back half of the definition from above.  That being:  "...or another's misfortune with smugness or malignant pleasure."  

Why would any Christian behave in such a way?  How might this possibly align with the gospel?  

Those are the wrong questions to ask.  

The better question is how might you fragrant your sphere of influence with the gospel if you're taking this approach?

You can't.  You won't.  Though you will come away feeling superior.  But that in no way synchronizes with your calling as a Christian.  For it is Christ who's superior.

Embrace humility in all things.  And never, ever lose sight of how quickly misfortune can and may very well come your way.