'An invisible addiction.' Amid pandemic, a rise in gambling addiction emerges (yahoo.com)
Monday, January 3, 2022
"Bitterness" - Mr. Matt Flint
I have been in recovery from a lifelong addiction to porn for almost seven years now. I often tell men that are new to Samson that recovery for me has been like getting a master’s degree in Matt Flint. When I first walked into a meeting, there was a certain degree of trepidation, but I was a desperate man seeking a way out of the darkness I had lived in for so long. By God’s grace, I found a community of men and slowly began the process of learning who I am and why I struggle with addiction.
In the recovery
community, we like to throw around fancy terms such as “presenting behavior” or
“trauma” or “medicating” to help us paint the picture of our lives and better
understand what drives us to want to act out in compulsive ways. As I have sought to break the chains of
addition, it has been so helpful to really get to know myself. Ultimately the desire to escape into fantasy is
a way of numbing the pains of life that we don’t want to face head on. Knowing why we do this and what triggers us is
a crucial early step in the recovery process.
Numbing or medicating pain away is contrary to the Gospel; where Jesus
invites us into the midst of our pain and promises that He will be there with
us. Think of the story of the Samaritan
woman caught in adultery in John 4. Jesus met her where she was, in the middle
of her misery and offered her living water. See also Deuteronomy 31:6,8; Joshua 1:5; and 1
Chronicles 28:20 where God promises to never leave nor forsake us.
We talk a lot about things that we have suffered, different
traumatic experiences we have endured, what secrets our formative years hold
over us that keep pushing this urge to numb pain. These are all things that have been done to
us and we do well to bring them to light and deal with them accordingly. There is another aspect to getting traction
in recovery that I know I have overlooked for a long time. Bitterness and anger. Anger is towards the top of my list of
triggers and there have been quite a few times where it has reared its head in destructive
ways, both around my family and in the dark corner of isolation. The question I have been asking myself is:
What role does bitterness play? I would
guess probably more than I would like to admit.
Hebrews 12:15 describes bitterness as a root that springs up and causes
trouble. Job speaks about “the bitterness of soul” in
chapters 7 and 10. Proverbs 14:10 says
the heart knows its own bitterness… The point I am driving at is that if
bitterness is held inside and not dealt with it can wreak havoc in our lives
both physically and spiritually.
So that leaves us with the next question: How do I deal with bitterness? The answer is simple on the surface, but
easier said than done.
Forgiveness. As Christians we
understand forgiveness to be one of the foundational teachings of our
faith. Christ shed his blood for the
forgiveness of our sins, Matthew 26:28.
As we begin 2022 seeking to be
better husbands, fathers, friends, and followers; I think we should be
searching our hearts for areas where we are harboring bitterness and allow the
Spirit of God to lead us into true forgiveness.
Forgiveness of others who, for a lot of men, have committed grievous
wrongs against us, but do not stop there.
As men in recovery from addiction, we need also to forgive ourselves and
feel the weight of the forgiveness paid for us by Christ our savior. If bitterness and anger are the substances
by which our hearts are hardened, forgiveness is the balm that softens and
restores. Proverbs 4:23 says “Keep your
heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life.” A gate keeper
doesn’t only keep out those that want to do the city harm, he also lets in
those who mean well and bring life.
Now, take a moment to
ask the Holy Spirit to reveal where you are holding on to bitterness; then
allow forgiveness to come in. Much like
recovery, forgiveness is a journey that takes time and perseverance. If the person you need to offer forgiveness
to the most is yourself, remember the words from step seven of The Path that
ring so true: “Despite the lingering effects of sin, I am a restored son of the
Sovereign Lord, whose spirit is at work in my weakness, displaying His glory
and advancing His Kingdom.”
“How to Engage in a Genuine Dialogue (and Help People Reconsider Their Views)” - Dr. Preston Sprinkle
“How to Engage in a Genuine Dialogue (and Help People Reconsider Their Views)”
Theology in the Raw Patreon Blog Post, Jan 2022
Preston Sprinkle
Over the years, I’ve become fascinated with the nature of belief. That is, why do people hold to the views they do, especially when, from my perspective, their views seem so obviously and terribly wrong? I’ve recently found out that psychologists have understood this phenomenon for quite some time; that is, why good people disagree on things like politics and religion. The first psychologist I read along these lines is Jonathan Haidt, whose book “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Disagree on Politics and Religion” forever shaped the way I think about the nature of belief. I used to think—and was often told—that our beliefs are simply formed from rational logic. We look at evidence for a particular viewpoint, consider the evidence, and follow the evidence where it leads to the correct viewpoint. When we don’t have all the evidence, or rely on faulty evidence, that’s when we form wrong beliefs. And so, when someone else holds to a belief we think is wrong, we think that they simply need to be supplied with more, or more accurate, evidence. Why else would we simply provide a person with rational arguments in order to change their viewpoint, if we didn’t think that what they lack are rational arguments?
But this is not at all how beliefs work. As Haidt has shown, about 90% of why we believe what we believe has to do with our intuition not our rational thinking.
Moral intuitions arise automatically and almost instantaneously, long before moral reasoning has a chance to get started, and those first intuitions tend to drive our later reasoning. If you think that moral reasoning is something we do to figure out the truth, you’ll be constantly frustrated by how foolish, biased, and illogical people become when they disagree with you (Righteous Mind, xx).
Our intuitions are the president of our believes, while our rational thinking acts as its press secretary—always defending and explaining our beliefs, but never truly reevaluating them. A press secretary can hardly be reasoned into going against the president’s orders. In order to get people to change their minds, we must speak to their presidents—their intuitions. We need to get them to desire a different sort of belief before they can rationally be persuaded.
After becoming exposed to Haidt’s work, I’ve learned that all of this is pretty well established among moral and cognitive psychologists. Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman writes about similar things in his highly acclaimed book Thinking Fast and Slow, and organizational psychologist and best-selling author Adam Grant applies similar principles in his book Think Again—a book about how to rethink your own beliefs and help others do the same.
I’m not a psychologist, but having lived in the space of, shall we say, controversial issues for over a decade, I’ve seen these principles lived out in the flesh. I recently finished Adam Grant’s incredible book and can sign off on every single piece of advice that he gives to people who want to actually help others rethink their beliefs. Here are a few pieces of advice he gives to those who find themselves in a potentially heated debate over politics, morality, or religious beliefs.
First, be genuinely willing to rethink your point of view. If you’re not, why would you expect someone else to?
Second, be a genuinely curious person. Be curious about the other person and their viewpoint. This does not come easy for almost every human who believes their viewpoint is right and everyone who disagrees is wrong. It’s tough, I know. But being curious about the other person’s point of view—genuinely curious—is essential if you ever want that same person to actually consider your point of view.
Third, be a good listener. What Adam Grant says is so true: “When we try to convince people to think again, our first instinct is usually to start talking. Yet the most effective way to help others open their minds is often to listen.” (Think Again, 151). I can’t tell you how often I’ve found this to be true in my own life. If you’re not able to genuinely listen to another person’s viewpoint, what makes you think they’ll listen to yours? Let me illustrate this. Say your spouse or roommate planned for the two of you a 6pm dinner and an 8pm movie and they had to make reservations and buy tickets in advance. You come home at 8:30pm. You bust through the door filled with anxiety, expecting them to be super upset. “I’m sooo sorry,” you burst out, “I was kept late at work because my coworker’s wife died, so he rushed home early in the afternoon, and my boss said I needed to stay late to make up for him. I was going to call, but my phone died and no one had a charger, and plus, I was so busy and feeling terrible over my widowed friend…” As you look up from your anxious speech, wouldn’t you want to peer into the eyes of a person that’s genuinely listening to what you are saying and trying their hardest to see things from your perspective? Now, just turn it around. When your friend is telling you why Trump was a much better president than Biden, or why Biden is a much better president than Trump, be that person with the listening eyes.
Fourth, ask questions. Genuine questions, not leading questions or interrogative ones. Part of the reason we should ask genuine questions is so that we can actually have a good, clear, honest understanding of the other person’s viewpoint. Because strawmanning the other person’s view by painting it in the worse light (or simply not representing it accurately) will do little to open up the other person’s mind to genuinely consider what you have to say. “Most people immediately start with a straw man,” write Adam Grant, “poking holes in the weakest version of the other side’s case.” Instead, take a “stealman” approach where you try your best to understand and represent accurately the strongest part of their argument. “[A]sking people questions can motivate them to rethink their conclusions” (Think Again, 136-37).
Fifth, find some point of agreement. “When we point out that there are areas where we agree and acknowledge that they have some valid points, we model confident humility and encourage them to follow suit” (Think Again, 112). Telling someone that you actually agree with them on certain points can be disarming. And, if you’re genuine in your agreement, it shows that you’re more interested in discovering the truth than you are in simply winning an argument or defending your viewpoint at all cost.
Okay, this last principle is going to sound counterintuitive and might be the hardest of them all to do.
Lastly, don’t be overly confident. Express some uncertainty in your beliefs. “Communicating it [your beliefs] with some uncertainly signals confident humility, invites curiosity, and leads to a more nuanced discussion” (Think Again, 117). What Grant means by “uncertainty” is without 100% certainty. I mean, all of our beliefs are going to have some stone unturned, some argument unexamined or underexamined. Remember, 90% of our beliefs are held by intuition. Are we really going to say that our intuition is rock solid and not subject to error? Only Jesus can claim 100% certainty. And when we come off as being 100% certain of 100% of our beliefs (I’m looking at you, Enneagram 8’s), we don’t come off as more convincing but more foolish to others. “Here’s where I’m at right now…” “based on the things I’ve read and the people I’ve talked to, I believe that…but I’m open to another viewpoint.” Statements like these—if genuinely meant—again show that you too are on an authentic quest for the truth, and you see the other person as a fellow traveler on the way, rather than a roadblock to be blown over.
These principles are only few snippets from (primarily) Adam Grant’s book and other psychologists; I highly encourage you to read the whole thing!
"You Make Me Very, Very Angry" - By Andrew Guillotte
" You make me very, very angry." Marvin the Martian was always one of my favorite cartoon characters. Lately, I can really identify with that statement. Stress from work, stress from the wife, stress from bills, stress from COVID, stress from, well....life in general. I don't handle stress well. So what do I do ? Well, the most logical thing to do. I get angry. Anger ? Yeah, I do anger VERY well.
So instead of looking stress right in the eye, I have turned it into anger towards the one person that I know is in my corner, my wife. She catches most of my lashing out. We are going through a phase in our lives and my anger issues are definitely not helping. But what can I do about it? Talking to my Silas and listening to podcasts are just not doing enough for me. I need something more... I asked some friends for advice and someone suggested The Anger Workbook by Les Carter and Frank Minirth. It looks like about 13 chapters. So, here's my idea: I am thinking about doing a chapter a week and meeting once a week to talk about it. The plan is to have it at my house on Thursday nights about 6:30 PM, yet his is not set in stone. I'm flexible. This is the first time I have done anything like this, but I believe this is what God is telling me to do. Samson has taught me I cannot do this alone; I need men to hold me accountable, to know when to comfort and when to confront. Let me know if you are interested in going through this workbook and maybe we both can learn something...
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