Monday, November 8, 2021
"Recovery": Parts 1-4 (& Intro) - Authored by Mr. Max Morton
Recovery
Introduction
Hi, my name is Max. I have been in “recovery” for an addiction to lust and pornography for over six years now. Recovery is not something easily defined and means different things to different people. The following are my thoughts on the subject and my own attempt to come to understand for myself this elusive concept called “recovery.”
As a Christian, and by that I mean one who intentionally seeks to follow Jesus and interprets life from a Christian world-view, holding to Holy Scripture as the definitive standard for moral absolutes, I look at “recovery” as primarily, but not completely, a spiritual issue. I acknowledge addiction and recovery involve neuroscience and behavior modification, but at the root of all that is what the 12 Step Groups call a “higher power” and whom I identify as my heavenly Father. He loves me unconditionally and forgives me completely and pursues me with an abundance of life I have not yet begun to fathom, much less fully embrace. With that framework as a foundation, let me dive into my thoughts on “recovery.”
Recovery is as old as sin itself. If you take apart the word, recovery is to “cover something that was previously covered and subsequently uncovered.” When sin entered the world as Adam and Eve chose disobedience over obedience to God’s revealed word and will, God intervened, pursued, forgave, restored and covered.
In Genesis 3 we find the account of Adam and Eve’s encounter with the serpent in the Garden of Eden when man rebelled against God, followed by shame, blame and consequence. In the midst of a literal paradise the serpent appealed to the desire that already lurked in Eve’s heart, cast doubt on the reliability of God’s word and his goodness, and enticed her to cast off restraint and pursue her own pleasure. Adam, whom Scripture says was ‘right there with her’ also partook. Genesis 3:7 says, “Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they knew that they were naked and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.” (NKJV) This is Adam and Eve’s attempt to “recover” themselves. Their attempts were as feeble as mine, as all of ours, when we try to take matters in our own hands and fix problems we have created that can only be solved by God. “You can’t pray your way out of an addiction you behaved your way into” is a phrase often quoted among those recovering.
After dealing individually with Adam, Eve and the serpent and doling out the consequences of their rebellion, in verse 21 “God made tunics of skin (coverings) and clothed them.” God did for them what they could not do for themselves. He covered them. He covered their sin. Also this is the first instance in history where death entered the world. To cover them, an animal had to be sacrificed in order to provide the skin. Romans 6:23a says “the wages of sin is death…” This further highlights the unintended consequences our sin has on others. No one sins in a vacuum. There are consequences. There is always collateral damage.
Adam and Eve were in the paradise of God, covered by his presence and his purpose for them, but their sin, their disobedience caused them to be uncovered. God’s love for them caused them to be recovered. Their recovery did not erase the consequences of the sin, but it did restore them to a right relationship with God.
This is the goal of every person in “recovery”; to recover a right relationship with the Father and those around them.
In the spirit of 12 step groups I would like to offer 12 points that will guide my thoughts as I tell my story of recovery. I think they are common to those recovering, but they are certainly part of my journey.
Rock Bottom
One of the terms you hear often among those in recovery is “rock bottom.” People will tell their story and be able to identify when they hit “rock bottom”. For some it might be landing in a jail cell after being arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. For others it might be having their kids taken away from them by Child Protective Services because they can’t stay clean.
For me it was a little harder to identify, partly because my addiction is different from others. Different in the fact that unlike a chemical substance abuse like drugs or alcohol my drug of choice is lustful thoughts manifesting in pornography and masturbation. This “cerebral chemical cocktail” was always in my mind, triggered most often by what I saw, but also by what I fantasized about.
Most people start their journey of recovery when they hit rock bottom and have no place to go but up. My rock bottom occurred four years into my recovery when my wife said she was done, we separated for the second time in our six year marriage and I moved out. The real rock bottom for me did not come until 5 months into the separation when my wife suggested we get divorced. This rejection was my rock bottom. It sent me a message that I was not worthy to be loved through my addiction.
I would never recover.
I would always be an addict.
Recovery was not possible.
When I started my journey of recovery four years prior it was because I got caught. This is common, and can be a healthy catalyst toward change and recovery. As I look back on it, I know this was my real rock bottom because it was only then I realized that when my recovery journey started I was free falling until the suggestion of divorce and my free fall came to a sudden and painful stop. I had hit rock bottom. I fell on the Rock.
Revealed
The day my recovery journey began was like any other normal day. My wife and I were working out in the gym. I was working a leg machine and she was on another machine behind me. One of the staff came over to the counter area in front of me with a clipboard in her hand, her back was to me. I noticed how short her shorts were. My thoughts were “I can’t believe they let her get away with wearing shorts like that in a family oriented gym like this one.” Maybe I was looking at her with lust in my heart, maybe I wasn’t. I don’t remember being enticed to lust like I had in similar situations countless times, but at that point my wife appeared in my peripheral vision with a look on her face I had never seen before and said, “Have you seen enough?” I was confused and said something like “What do you mean?” She said, “Come on, it’s time to go.” I could tell she was upset, but I didn’t really know why. We talked in the car and she said “You were looking at that young girl who works at the gym.” I defended myself saying, “Yeah, I couldn’t believe how short her shorts were.” Honestly, that is what I had been thinking. She countered with, “I’ve never seen that look on your face.” “What look?” I asked. “Lust.” At that point I knew this was not a discussion anymore, it was a problem.
Maybe she had noticed me looking at women in public before. Maybe this was just the situation that tipped the scales. I knew I needed to come clean, but I was in damage control mode. I said, “It isn’t about that girl. I have a problem with lust.” I disclosed that I had always had a lustful, wandering eye from the onset of puberty and my exposure to pornography at the age of twelve. This was a complete revelation to her, shattering the image she had of the godly man she married.
I knew this was bad, really bad. My wife had a track record of broken relationships and divorce stemming from her own woundedness and the way she chose to deal with conflict. She believed in tough love, but I saw it as a stubborn refusal to be tarnished by other people’s brokenness.
Repulsed
When we got back to our house she completely melted down with loud, guttural wailing and sobs coming from a deep wounded place in her soul. I tried to comfort and console her, but when I tried to hold her in my arms like I had done so many times before she was repulsed by my touch. My sin was repulsive to her. This betrayal touched her in a deep place where she was already wounded. I did not know how sensitive this wounding from her past still was.
She was repulsed by my sin, but I wasn’t. God was repulsed by my sin, but I wasn’t. It would take years of recovery work for me to get to the place where my wife was on that day. Until we are repulsed by our own sin we will hold it close, justify it and deceive ourselves. That is where I was.
My wife decided I was so repulsive she could not stand to stay in the same house with me, rented a car and left. I did not know where she went, or whether she would come back. My brokenness had impacted her woundedness in a toxic way.
Repentance
For three days I rattled around our house alone, even though two of my teen-aged sons were living there, I was alone. I called my pastor and told him what was going on. He responded like many other mentors had in the past when I tried to deal with my ongoing struggle with lust. His advice was that most men struggle in this area and even though it is bad and should be dealt with I was not alone in it. This did not really help me. I remembered at least two other occasions in years past when I had been caught and confronted with my sin and turned to my spiritual leadership for help. The advice and counsel I received was a kind of “boys will be boys” and “all men have a problem with this.” Not helpful.
At this time my “repentance” was rooted in the fact that I had been caught. The Bible speaks of a “Godly sorrow that brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10 NIV)
My repentance was not a godly sorrow, it was damage control, denying, saving my own skin so that I could keep doing what I wanted to do; a kind of “repentance” which is not really repentance at all. Biblically, repentance means to change your mind and to turn and go in the opposite direction. This was not what I was trying to do, or what I had ever tried to do. I can’t tell you how many times over the previous forty years of battling with this pet sin that I had “repented” and told God I would never do it again. My white-knuckle attempts to avoid sin had ended in failure thousands of times. I could go for long periods of abstinence from “acting out” but would always return. I had never been at the place where I acknowledged that I could not do this, that I was powerless against my addiction. I didn’t even think I was addicted. I thought that I could stop anytime I wanted. My deception was so great I had deceived even myself.
My wife let me know she was on the coast in a hotel room. After three days we agreed to meet at a park near our house and talk. It was tense. I was “repentant” as far as I knew how, and she told me she was willing to give our marriage a chance to work. I was relieved that she wanted to do that and felt like I had dodged a major bullet. What I didn’t know that day was that I had completely destroyed my wife’s trust in me and I would never earn it back.
Sunday, November 7, 2021
Just Listen to Me, Man!
Just listen to me, man!
When it comes to my wife’s perception of me as an engaged listener, she often tells me that I do not do a good job of listening to her. I suppose that there might be some truth to that matter. While I feel that I do a decent job of listening to her for the most part, I will admit that there are other times when she’s trying to get my attention in passing and what she is saying to me goes in one ear and out the other. This October marked our 18th year together, and this December will see us arrive at our 14th wedding anniversary. You would think that after all those years that I would have mastered the art of listening well to a woman, but what can I say? I am a work in progress!
My generation has the unique distinction of having grown up in both an analog and digital world. As a child growing up in the 80s, we did not have nearly the number of distractions that today’s children are faced with. There were no iPads, iPods, cell phones, headphones connected to Netflix, or any other number of distractions that demand the attention of today’s children. No, the world was a simpler place, and I am grateful to have grown up in a world that was more analog than it was digital.
Unlike my brother, who buys the latest and greatest iPhone every year, I have never been one to put much stock in buying a fancy, high-priced "fruit flavored" electronic device. No, I typically buy a cheap, carrier unlocked cell phone off Amazon and rock it for two or three years until it either A.) becomes too obsolete to use, B.) the battery dies, or C.) I inadvertently end up breaking it. When I arrive at A, B, or C, I simply get on Amazon and order another cheap cell phone and repeat the cycle all over again. Although my cell phone may be cheap, I still try to take care of it to the best of my ability. Of course, I always keep it ensconced in a good quality case and generally keep a glass screen protector on top of the screen.
A couple of weeks ago, I took the family to the farm for a fun fall day, and while I was there, someone bumped into me which caused me to drop my cell phone as I was taking a picture of my son. When it dropped, the phone fell face down onto a small rock which cracked the glass screen protector. When I got home, I removed the screen protector and discarded it to make sure that the actual screen was still fine. Although I initially thought I had an extra spare screen protector in the closet, it turned out that I did not. So, I promptly got on Amazon and ordered another one only to find out that it would not arrive for five days. Not wanting to risk damaging my “cheap” phone or risk scratching my “cheap phone’s screen,” I decided to forgo taking my phone with me to work for the week, and instead forwarded all calls to the landline in my office. I also forwarded all my texts to my chrome book, also in my office. Over the course of that week, I found that two things magically happened.
First, I felt liberated! I did not have that little rectangular block sitting on my desk distracting me with its constant blinking, chiming, and buzzing signaling the hundreds of infernal, nefarious notifications that the stupid thing spews forth many times in a day. Instead, if anyone needed to reach me, they could call the phone which would in turn ring the landline, or text me and I would receive the text on my chrome book. It was such a blessed relief.
The second thing that I found happened was that I was a heck of a lot more focused throughout the week. Without a phone lying around constantly tempting me to check it every few minutes, I was so much more productive. I felt free! It was a great week, and I felt that the experiment was a huge success.
Cell phones, for me, have proven to be both a blessing and a curse. Today, we are constantly in touch with everyone around us, but we have also “lost touch” with those who are right in front of us. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are so distracted and so involved in what’s on that little 5- or 6-inch screen (that I sometimes feel is the spawn of Satan). I remember some years ago when my wife and I were traveling back from Florida one summer. This was in the days before we had a son of our own. We stopped in Hattiesburg and ate at one of our old haunts from our college years, and happily engaged in a wonderful time of reminiscing as we ate our meal. Even before we had a kid, my wife and I always made it a priority to never have electronics at the dinner table. We felt that doing so would distract us from our time together. As we ate our meal that night, we observed the family sitting across from us; it consisted of a mom, dad, and three small children. During the entire meal, the mom and the dad never looked up from their phones one single time. The kids were very animated while trying to get the parent's attention, and the parents promptly proceeded to ignore them for the entire time sans for occasionally telling them to be quiet. The parents did not speak to each other, nor did they speak to any of the three children. I remember leaving the restaurant that night so pissed that two parents would have done that to their children, and I remember telling my wife that if we ever had any children, that we would never behave like that.
Fast-forward and I now have an eight-year-old son who does his best to drive me to drink some days with his incessant talking. But you know what? Dinner time for us is family time and no matter how much I want to veg out sometimes and disengage from everything around me, my wife and I always make dinner family time a priority whether we are eating at home in our kitchen or eating out at a restaurant. We have a family rule of no electronics at the table, and this includes my son as well. We take turns talking and listening to each other. We engage. We give each other our undivided attention.
When I am having a one-on-one discussion with someone such as a conversation over coffee or lunch with someone, I always make it a priority to not have anything in front of me that would potentially distract me from the conversation taking place. If that means leaving my phone in my office or in my car, so be it. Even though my adult ADHD brain sometimes jumps all over the place and my mind may be a million miles away when it actually appears that I’m listening to a person, I am still giving my best effort to be an active, engaged listener!
One of the things that I love about my small Samson group that I have been going to for several years is that each of the guys in the group is a wonderful listener. Or at least...he pretends to be a wonderful listener! We typically don’t have any distractions such as cell phones in front of us, and we each give the others in the group our full and undivided attention when that particular person is speaking. Because of this dynamic, I feel like I am being heard, and therefore I am more likely to be open, transparent, and honest with others within the group. I feel validated, and I feel like my sharing is important and worth something. In turn, I make sure that I am doing my best to listen to each of the other guys in the group; as I said earlier, my ADHD brain sometimes zooms off into the wild blue yonder, but I quickly reign it back in and make sure that my focus returns to where it needs to be: the person sharing in front of me. I remember a particularly disheartening experience that I had early on in another Samson group (that I never felt particularly comfortable in). During my time of sharing on one particular night, there was one gentleman who happened to be sitting right across from me. As he was sitting across from me, I happened to notice that he remained engaged in social media the entire time that I was sharing that night. Now, I could understand if he had received an important text that he needed to respond to, but no, that was not the case. He had his phone face up laying on the table where he proceeded to scroll through his Facebook feed the entire time that I was sharing. I cannot begin to describe how awful I felt that night. Even though it was probably nothing personal against me, it made me feel worthless and not validated, almost as if what I had to share did not matter one bit. From that point forward, every time I saw that man in the room, I clammed up. Sure, I probably shared something, but I can almost guarantee you that it was all superficial and nothing meaningful.
In a previous post, I have briefly talked about my friend from high school and from college who now lives in Nashville with his family. He has been through a lot in life including brain surgery back in 2019. For the most part, he is okay but there are still some ways in which he will never be the same. I was able to see him this past summer when he and his family came to my house for a few days, and he and I were able to go on several adventures together and just hang around like old times and catch up. On the night before he was to depart to head back to Nashville, he and I were sitting in the swing on my front porch just reminiscing about old times and the way things were when we were in high school and in college. I don’t know what it was about that night; perhaps I felt safe in the dusk of the evening with the frogs croaking and the crickets chirping all around me; or, maybe for perhaps the first time in ever, I felt truly safe around my friend. Whatever the case, I opened up to my friend. I mean I really opened up to him. I told him my story. Outwardly, it appeared that he was listening and he was nodding and giving me every indication that he was hearing what I was saying. I don’t know what led to me sharing my story, but I did, and I was trying to help him understand why I was the way that I was in high school and in college – sometimes distant and unable to be a good friend to him. Sharing my story was very painful as it always tends to be, and I could feel the hot tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. As I wrapped up my story, I sat there in silence for a few moments just processing all that I had talked about. Suddenly my friend said, “okay, why don’t we go inside and see what everyone else is doing?” I was absolutely devastated. I mean, after all, I had just finished pouring my heart out to him. I told him to go on inside and I would catch up with him later. Later, I made him aware of what he had done, and he was somewhat apologetic and asked me to re-share my story with him. I refused. I told him that that moment had come and gone.
That was in July, and it is now November. We still keep in touch, but I no longer make the great effort that I once did to ensure that our relationship stays close and our bond strong. If he texts me, I will respond in a very non-committal/disengaged manner. I have purposely been very distant. Yes, I am aware that God requires forgiveness, and I forgave him a long time ago, but it does not mean that the hurt is gone. I am trying to get over it, I really am. Most guys don’t take things as personally as I do, or wear their hearts on their sleeves. Past trauma in my life as well as my story tends to dictate how I react to certain situations a lot of times. I’m getting better; truly, I have worked on myself a lot the last couple of years and I really am in a better place than I have been in a long time. But certain situations still trigger those old feelings of rejection, abandonment, and resentment. I will always love my friend, but I will most likely never share my story with him again. For starters, I don’t think he was able to handle it or process it. Perhaps, he wasn’t even paying attention. And secondly, it’s just not something I feel like I can handle going through again.
I am aware of and I fully understand that there are various levels of transparency in the sharing that takes place between two people (or multiple people). This degree of transparency is largely dependent on how comfortable they are in their relationship with each other. I will leave you with this: whether you are engaged in the midst of a deep conversation with someone or you’re simply having a light-hearted chat about life over a cup of coffee, take the time to really give someone the gift of your undivided attention, and make the effort to really listen to what they have to say. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to feel like they are worth something and what they have to say matters. Be that person who listens. That person who TRULY listens.
Tuesday, November 2, 2021
2021 National Samson Society Retreat (Last Minute) Details / Finalized Plans
Gentlemen –
We are just days away from the men's retreat and we have some final reminders to share with you as you begin preparing for your trip to Eva.
Underwear - Don't Leave Home Without Them!
Grab your luggage, duffle bag, or backpack and start packing, but don't forget to pack the following items:
- Pillows and bedding (sheets, blankets, sleeping bag, etc.) if you are sleeping in a the vintage bunkhouse or lodge bunkroom
- Towels
- Shower shoes
- Charging cables for your phones, iPads, sleep machines, etc.
- Toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, soap, toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, etc.)
- Underwear...yes, it's happened and no you don't want it happening to you!
- Your true and authentic self - as last year's presenter John Lynch would say, leave your (non-COVID) masks at home, show up as your authentic self, and be prepared to experience the magic of the Room of Grace.
When You Arrive
If you are driving, you can either put "Lakeshore Camp & Retreat Center" or the camp address (1458 Pilot Knob Road in Eva, TN) in your nav system. When you arrive, go to the Conference Center to register and receive your room assignment (and keys if you are staying offsite), name tag, and a few other goodies. Registration opens at 5 p.m. on Friday.
Presenter & Workshops
This year, we will be hearing from featured speaker Jim Cress. Jim is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Certified Multiple Addictions Therapist, and a Certified Daring Way Facilitator with Dr. Brene’ Brown’s The Daring Way Organization. For three years, he studied with and was trained by Dr. Patrick Carnes, the founder of the sex addiction field. Jim specializes in counseling those struggling with sex addiction, partners of sex addicts, marital counseling, trauma, abuse, and experiential group therapy. He is also a national conference speaker with The American Association of Christian Counselors.
- How to Grow a Healthy Samson Group: Why do some local Samson groups thrive while others stagnate or even die? As it turns out, healthy groups employ a simple set of principles, priorities, and practices that any group can adopt. In this extremely practical workshop, Don Waller will share the tools he and his brothers have used to create multiple thriving Samson groups in and around Jackson, Mississippi.
- Intentional Breath Work: This workshop will explore how you can employ a simple breathing technique to achieve amazing relaxation and even trauma relief through a structured four round hyperventilation and breath hold session. We will begin with an introduction of the full Method and what the breath work portion is all about. About fifteen minutes will be dedicated to a four or five round breathing and breath hold session followed by a short meditation. Then, those who wish to do so can be astounded with how breath hold work can affect a simple physical exercise. How many push ups can you do right now? If you have a yoga mat, blanket or sleeping bag and a pillow, please bring it to the workshop. A sleeping mask over your eyes would also be helpful. Let's see how "we can get high on our own supply."
- How to be a Better Silas: So you've accepted the responsibility of serving as a Silas to another Pirate Monk. What should you do now? Drawing on recent research and long-term experience, Sam Black lays out the fundamentals of this mutually beneficial helping relationship, including healthy accountability, helpful self-disclosure, and humble leadership.
- How to Tell Your Story: Who really knows your story? What does it feel like to experience healing and grace as you reveal the some of the worst things that have ever happened to you? People cannot truly begin to grow until they understand the magnitude of investigating their story. Men, who often spend a lifetime trying to hide, experience tremendous healing by learning to where they are and why God has brought them on this journey. In this workshop we will talk about some of the significant principles in learning to tell one’s story. Come and join us to learn the skills necessary to go deeper in your own story work.
- Understanding and Healing Trauma: Recovery is a spiritual process, but not JUST a spiritual process. Although it does begin with confession and repentance, recovery is actually a HEALING process involving the progressive retraining of a brain that has developed maladaptive strategies for dealing with abuse or neglect. In this workshop, Kaka Ray breaks down the neurology of compulsive behavior and offers practical ways to facilitate the healing process.
RETREAT SCHEDULE (Subject to Change)
Friday, November 5
5:00 PM Registration Opens
6:00 PM Dinner
7:00 PM Welcome and Introduction of Workshop Leaders
7:15 PM Opening Session with Jim Cress
8:15 PM Samson Meetings
9:15 PM Meetings-After-the Meeting
Saturday, November 6
6:30 AM Coffee
8:00 AM Breakfast
9:00 AM Morning Session with Jim Cress
10:00 AM Individual Work
10:45 AM Group Sharing
Noon Lunch
1:00 PM First Workshop Session
- Understanding and Healing Trauma • Kaka Ray
- How to Be a Better Silas • Sam Black
- How to Tell Your Story • Chris Inman
- Intentional Breath Work • Jay Spiegel
2:00 PM Recreation, Relaxation, and Conversation
5:30 PM Dinner
6:30 PM Second Workshop Session
- Understanding and Healing Trauma • Kaka Ray
- How to Be a Better Silas • Sam Black
- How to Grow a Healthy Samson Group • Don Waller
- How to Tell Your Story • Chris Inman
7:45 PM Mo Leverett Concert
9:00 PM Fire Pits and Hang Time
Sunday, November 7
6:30 AM Coffee
7:30 AM Breakfast
8:30 AM Samson House Update -- Tom Moucka
8:45 AM Chapel
9:30 AM Pirate Monk Podcast Taping
11:00 AM Retreat Ends
As always, it is the Lord working in the midst of our relationships that makes the retreat. Ask the Lord to prepare your heart and protect us all.
Please let us know if you have any questions!
Safe travels and see y'all soon!