I distinctly remember (first time) when I was officially chosen / selected to be another Samson guy's Silas. Despite there being no official ask, the routine telephone calls starting coming in. Eventually, I inquired (late 2014) as to why this younger man had chosen me, and his reply essentially was, "you were the only one who seemed to care (take an interest) about me and my story". (Actually, I was simply being polite.) As such, he mistook that, but I felt in no way less privileged to have been (unassumingly) chosen to walk with this man.
Because I had no Silas of my own, it didn't take long for me to feel expectedly burdened (asymmetrical) by both him and other Samson men who similarly tethered themselves to Rob.
Whilst looking back, I realize now that the primary draw to choosing me in this regard had to do with my superpower.
Remembering - over time - what these men were telling me. To the point that I could regurgitate it down the road. This sat well with these new friends for it proved my interest in them and their stories.
I refer to this superpower as crystallization. I'm pretty sure it's linked to my sexuality.
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It didn't take me long to recognize that I could glean some of my own needs from these "Silees" via the questions I chose to ask of them during our regular "check-ins", but for the most part, it was they who were receiving (support) from me.
Over time, I became fatigued. (Again, you'll recall that I had no Silas of my own.)
Nonetheless, I found peace in knowing that I'd deposited an awful lot of time and listening effort into these men. Both from the standpoint of serendipity and Christ-likeness. Not to mention simply being "Silas-like" (listener).
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Once Rob gained a Silas, everything changed (hooray for symmetry!). Particularly relative to me having developed long-term friendships with these "Silees".
Let me explain.
After six months of formal "check-ins" from a "Silee", I found that I had gained a pretty thorough understanding of how my new friends were wired. Good, bad, and indifferent. Too, as I connected with more and more men, I began to see obvious patterns within the recovery narrative that no doubt cross pollinated. And this is where I began to use my influence towards seeing those tried-and-true patterns implemented where they were not (yet).
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My middle daughter officially moved into her freshman dorm this past weekend. Unlike her older sister (two years her senior, who's enrolled at the same institution), she didn't have an established friendship with her roommate (high school, church friend or the like).
My wife and I did the obligatory hauling of our middle daughter's dorm essentials, showing up for freshman "move-in day" at our set time. Upon entering her room, her (very new friend) roommate's side was completely, 100% setup. Every (coordinated) trinket in place, photo hung, etc. This came as a shock! For we'd no idea how they'd pulled this off in such short time.
Being as completely unexpected as it was, we couldn't help but contrast it to what we experienced with our oldest daughter's freshman roommate / roommate's family two years prior. In that instance, everything was "assembled & set up" collaboratively as the two roommates worked together from start to finish - over a period of 4 - 6 hours - in a sort of christening of THEIR dorm room.
Now, keep in mind that my middle daughter had dialogued (& even briefly rendezvoused with) her "new friend" freshman roommate throughout this past summer. They communicated regularly regarding room decor and so forth. Hence, there was an expectation there relative to a collaborative effort.
But this was not to be. And yes, it resulted in an awkwardness going forward. An awkwardness that felt divisive.
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I pressed two Samson brothers hard recently and have no regrets doing so regarding them getting out of their relational (related to other Samson brothers & family members) comfort zones. It's important to know that both men, I've walked with each for well over six months.
Why do this?
1. Because I'm convicted that they need to move in their specific new direction on behalf of their recovery.
2. I've deposited a tremendous amount of listening / analytical time into both men.
3. I've the expertise as a tenured Samson man to feel confident in my attempts to optimize the work they're doing.
I may never hear from either again as a result. Nonetheless, I have no regrets. Our friendships' growth is absolutely hinged on their individual growth as it relates to where we've walked - together - (as well as what we've learned) up to that point in time. In other words, if they're not growing, we're not growing. If this stagnation truly is the case, it's probably a good time for them to find a new Silas.
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My middle daughter sent me a series of photos last night of her now exquisitely setup side of her & her roommate's dorm room.
After having effectively moved all of my middle daughter's essentials into the space prior to assisting her with making up her bed, we left the remaining for her to assemble / unpack / organize on her own & at her own pace. As you can imagine, she was initially not at all pleased with this arrangement, as feelings of abandonment welled up into her teary eyes (in contrast to her roommate's miraculously complete setup).
But it was for her best as well as for our best that we take that approach. And it worked out beautifully in the end.
My wife and I have invested and invested and invested some more into our middle daughter (just as we have her older and younger sister). Even at that seemingly critical juncture (freshman dorm move-in day), it was important that we hold the line, giving her an opportunity to move forward at the pace of her choosing, knowing full well that this presented an opportunity for growth (all around).
Remembering all the while that the relational narratives we'd made - up to that point - will forever be crystallized, set to remain so forever as her relationship with us matures forward.
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