A recent Samson Society Instagram post about shame really hit a nerve with me. Shame has been such a deep part of my story for so long that it feels like it’s just part of my DNA. Growing up in an environment riddled with rampant sexual, psychological, and physical abuse, shame has just been a way of life to me. Then add to that all the horrible mistakes I made as an adult; an adult trying to deal with a childhood of trauma. Therein lies dousing gasoline on an already out of control brushfire of shame, rejection, and humiliation.
When you don’t know how to thoughtfully experience your trauma, you end up inflicting that pain on those around you. Self-dependence, self-gratification, perfectionism, and control are all ways of life for us broken ragamuffins of this world. I am one of those people, and it’s only been through major reconstructive psychological and emotional surgery that I’ve been able to rise above most of those toxic, compulsive behaviors. So much so, in fact, that I can barely relate to the nest of toxic people I then surrounded myself with for years. We can be so lost in our pain that we will gravitate towards the people that feel familiar to us (water seeks its own level). People that remind us of our abusers and / or embody dysfunction that was commonplace in our childhood. For a long time, I thought I only chose women that were emotionally unavailable and toxic. But it was bigger than that. I chose a toxic circle of friends as well, and they were every bit as emotionally unavailable as my (childhood) family ever was. It’s absolute insanity, but my confused trauma had me blinded for decades.
As I began to allow myself to thoughtfully experience my trauma, I began to heal, and my eyes slowly started to open to the world around me. I began to see how shallow many of the people I'd surrounded myself with actually were. I took specific note of how they judged me, refusing to acknowledge any growth or achievements in my life, no matter how great they were. How they constantly attempted to use me for their own gain. Most effective was their constant feed of a steady diet of rejection via their passive aggressiveness. As such, they never saw me as being worthy to be known or loved, but instead, someone to pity and shame with words of negativity. Sadly, I’ve wasted decades of my life with these kinds of people because these types of relations all seemed warranted. Essentially, it was familiar to me, and I knew from experience how to survive this sort of emotional abuse. Nonetheless, I made the decision that life is too short to just walk through this world as a survivor.
Eventually, I made the decision to become the hero of my own story.
I began by establishing boundaries within my life. I also began asking myself hard questions about what I truly wanted. Questions like, what was important to me? What should my self-worth be built upon? How can I learn to love myself, and step away from the shame that has controlled my life for so long? Am I truly worthy to be loved, even with such a spotted track record of struggle and failure?
It was this line of thinking that started to lead me out of the dark carnival of my dysfunction and compulsive behavior. Yes, I am worthy of being known and loved. I just needed to surround myself with people who were less self-centered, stopping long enough to see the beautiful art that was me. I started stepping outside of my self-inflicted behaviors. Behaviors that only served the needs of the toxic people in my life. I began standing up for my own personal desires for freedom and restoration. (As stated prior), boundaries became my best friend, and therein they expectedly pissed off a lot of people around me. But for the first time in my life, I was doing what was best for me. I set aside codependent tendencies, and stopped worrying about what this person thought, or what that person thought. I stood on the foundational truth that this was my story, my life. I chose to recognize that I deserved better, and therefore began fighting for what was important to me. It's important to know that this was a rough and rocky road that never felt comfortable in the least. It’s very hard letting go of familiar, comfortable people, no matter how toxic they are. And it’s scary making new friends. Even if they're friends who choose to cheer for you when you win in life and weep with you when you fail or hurt. Simply writing that down feels awkward to me. Wouldn’t anyone with half a brain want these simple principles in their lives? Now that I’m on the outside looking in, it seems so obvious to me. But when you’re blinded by trauma, you don’t know how to feel. Instead, you live a life that seeks only comfort in familiar things. No matter how toxic they are.
I can’t say enough about God's work inside me throughout the last eleven years of restoration. I’m not stuck anymore, numb and unable to experience true connection. Shame has no controlling grip on me anymore. I’m finally maturing emotionally, and I have a track record of solid decision making, peace, and harmony within my life. Drama (dark carnival) doesn’t breed in my world anymore, freedom does… God has confirmed this in me repeatedly. It’s been a hard row to hoe, but it’s been worth every battle, waving the flag of my own freedom and restoration.
In closing, it was me that found the courage to step into the office of a pastor friend of mine and ask for help. No one was there with me to push me along; there was simply no need for any convincing relative to me getting help. Again, I had to become my own hero in this story. It was scary and every demon in hell told me it wouldn’t stick, all in all resulting in me making a fool of myself. But I ignored those lies and marched forward until I was finally able to position people around me whom could help steer me in the right direction. That lead to over a decade of uncomfortable self-inventory, thoughtfully experiencing my past. The deeper I dug, the more it hurt. But with every layer of the onion I peeled, I grew stronger and wiser, given me credence to unpack and deal with that next "layer of the onion". I'm of the opinion that this sanctification process never ends while we're here on Earth. As a result of this process, for the first time in my life, I experienced satisfaction which then allowed me to enjoy the beauty of this world without a cloud of darkness looming over my head. There is hope and through Christ all things are possible! I am living testimony to his love and mercy toward those who love him. I could have never done any of this without his patience and strength. For he brought loving people into my path to help guide me along the way. People who showed me how to love myself by firstly acknowledging that I was worthy to be loved. It’s amazing how little it takes to be happy in this world when you allow yourself to feel the world around you. Realizing you're not alone and that there’s no shame in being broken so long as you're working toward healing and restoration within your life. One day at a time, one step at a time.
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