Sunday, June 1, 2025 (Entry #4)
Trust the process, keep moving forward
Last night I again delved into the sewer of pornography. This is the first time in a long time I have used this material on consecutive nights. A positive to take away from that: I did not binge the first night and neither the second night. A negative: I still feel the shame and sting of my choices despite not feeling as repulsed by the thought of porn as I usually would after getting off to it.
Speaking of that, I need to do a better job of describing what I am thinking, feeling, and doing during these instances of relapse. Here is my attempt.
- Before (dark night of the soul): It is almost second nature for my mind to go to the opportunity I have to watch porn and masturbate when I find myself home by myself. After dinner and a movie with my parents (which I did to prevent such an opportunity from arising), I got home and my brother was not back from his friend’s graduation party yet. Watching TV and even getting in bed to fall asleep proved futile. I kept checking his location on my laptop, and with the idea that last night might be my best chance for a few days, I took the plunge into the ditch.
- During (giving in & letting go): Deactivating my laptop’s Covenant Eyes blocking software, and with an image of the performer I was lusting after in my head, I went to Google. Dirty blonde/brownish hair, “normal” body features (breasts, buttocks, etc.), but very attractive, this woman fit perfectly my arousal archetype. Important for me as well though is the male performer she is acting with. For me to achieve the level of pleasure my loosed sexuality desires, I have to be able to feel comparable to the man. Whether I look like him in his current state or he is in a shape that would be my ideal, my intention is always to be living vicariously through him.
I would describe the material I am looking at while self-pleasuring to be “realistic,” relative to pornography. There is usually a level of physical attraction between the two actors that manifests in kissing/foreplay before they engage in intercourse. When they do so, I seem to be particularly stimulated by sex acts that are as visually pleasurable as possible for me. This means “positions” and angles that provide the most visibility of the performers’, specifically the woman’s, buttocks and/or breasts.
Often times, when I am in search of porn and a scene that I find pleasurable enough, the webpages I am visiting are inundated with ads that depict hardcore and deviant sexual acts. Despite my relative aversion to such depictions (I have not intentionally clicked one of the links in hopes of further exploring their content to date), this has obviously not stopped me from seeking out porn. And it has not stopped the progression of the porn I seek out from being more and more explicit: scenes with three people, scenes in different environments than the bedroom, scenes involving anal sex, scenes that are just degrading in general. To be honest, it at times scares me, what I am watching or unintentionally see. I sometimes wonder if my porn use has left me with trauma or lack of empathy for individuals I interact with in real life.
The fear, I believe strongly, is only worsened by my OCD and brain’s overall intolerance of uncertainty. I want to know for sure I will never behave improperly, say, during sex with my wife, or worse, ultimately engage in some of the acts in these scenes. The truth is, I don’t know for sure. But my hope is by continuing to show up and keep fighting, in the vein of journaling, reaching out for help with my family and friends, attending meetings, confessing to and confiding in my accountability, I can grow in confidence of my self-control and ability to experience pleasure, whether self- or sexual, in a healthy, non-lustful manner.
- Aloneness: After orgasm, I am invariably left in a state of shame, tiredness, and even times despair. I always shower and go to bed – or take a nap if during the day. It is almost impossible, I feel in the moment, to face people and my loved ones after doing something that I know and believe is very wrong. The next day, I ensure my devices are secured again and try to do something productive or charitable, whether it be completing a school assignment or donating a few dollars to a non-profit I receive email from. This practice puts me on the path to feeling better about myself, before the vicious cycle starts again in a day or so.
