Earlier this week, I had lunch with an old friend. I'd bumped into him the week prior and upon taking his card, promised to follow up. This man is +/-12 years my senior, white, upper class (for MS), working in a tangential industry to architecture (my first career). He was instrumental in supporting me therein (while I was working in the private sector) for a number of years.
Around 16-17 years ago, this man surprisingly divorced his wife, and though it didn't hit me as hard as it would have otherwise (if we'd been closer friends), it still hit hard. For I knew his wife indirectly (I'd perhaps met her twice), and I knew he had two beautiful children.
Why?
I honestly don't know how to say this with any distinct class.
When I get to know men, any men, I see inside, and unless they're absolute fools (which very few are), it's obvious to me that a high percentage of their divorces are clearly longstanding relational forfeits. And this seems to be especially true when children are involved. In other words, a divorce, to me, unless it involves adultery, abuse, addiction is very rarely warranted. You might say this is an unreasonable approach I'm presenting (especially if said spouse is being "unreasonable")! And that's true. I really can't be reasoned with here. Divorce should be avoided at all costs. The Bible makes that clear, therefore why don't we follow suit?
We don't follow suit because we're birds of a feather, and getting divorced provides an accepted cop out that many folks willingly choose.
Along with divorce comes a certain tainting or mark that's inevitable. And, as you know, it's a forever mark that's almost impossible to hide. I believe most divorcees never realize this 'till it's too late. Now, whether or not they truly care therein is up to the individual.
As a sidenote, earlier today, whilst at the Y, I overheard two older men chatting about grieving the loss of (one of these men's) a spouse. After 10+ minutes of heartfelt diatribe, the newbie widower admitted that his now deceased wife was #2. In response, his friend admitted to being right there with him. In fact, he cited his first marriage as his "practice marriage". Puke.
And these were some old dudes who were making light of their historical, relational failures.
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Interestingly enough, during this same lunch, another old friend made his way into the restaurant. And too, this was a colleague from my architecture days. The difference though was this man (who's 5-8 years my senior) worked directly with me (again, private sector position).
And like my lunchable friend, he too eventually divorced his beautiful first wife, leaving his only child, a son, to manage the fallout after the fact.
If there's one man, for me personally, that's a divorcee (failure) figurehead, it would be this guy. For I knew him prior to marrying even. But as the years went by and his (first) wife's mental health weakened; his resentment was so very obvious. For his mockingly disrespectful words (of her, to anyone within earshot) more often than not, made my ears bleed and my heart hurt.
Eventually, prior to his quiet divorce, he began a heady emotional affair with a much younger colleague of ours at work. It was so obviously toxic to everyone on staff, yet no one but me chose to speak up (to the owners).
I can still see the two of these lovebirds staying long after 5 o'clock, gazing into each other eyes from the confides of this man's windowless office. Puke.
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Overall, I renege when it comes to deeply befriending men who're divorcees. The only time I've bucked that trend was back in 2013 whilst working at Delta State. At that time, there were two men who I befriended who were as such. One had chosen to not remarry and the other had been remarried for some time.
I was desperate for friendship whilst residing in that small town environment. These two were both platonically attractive in light of their pasts.
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When my parents' marriage exploded due to chronic infidelity (early '80s), according to my father, my parents sat down and seriously discussed the implications of divorcing: financial, emotional, etc. Afterwards, neither chose that route, and from there, they trudged forward in spite of the mistrust / woundedness.
Was their marriage ever the same? No.
But I can say this in full confidence: Had they divorced, only child me having to deal with that fallout in tandem with my own interpersonal (sexual identity / struggles with lust) suffering would likely have been too much for me to bear.
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I'm pleased to report that I'm becoming more sympathetic and forgiving of divorcees. I never imagined this would occur. I do believe my time at Delta State (2013) did me some good in that regard. For it forced me, out of desperation, to give divorcees a chance. A chance to be heard and loved in spite of their mark.
