I often have vivid dreams. Recently, one of those featured my toy poodle, a childhood dog that my parents purchased for me when I was in 6th grade.
I wish I could say I was a loving, caring dog owner, but I was not. This animal served more like a physical stand-in for the part of me that simply wanted to be loved (too much?). And as such, due to my disgust with myself, I absolutely didn't fulfill that wish.
Nonetheless, the dog lived a 15+ year life, existing well into my young adulthood (thanks to my 'rents caring for him while I was away at college).
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When I lost my campus architect job at DSU (September of '13), I beat my boyRob self to a pulp, blaming him for not having the chutzpah needed to simply sit quietly and behave. Instead, he was deliberate about attempting to come up for proverbial air, often late into the evening or after hours behind the closed door of my front office. Ultimately, this resulted in the institution having grounds to fire me. Hence, in my mind, 1+1 = 2. Therefore, if I could remove that second "1", there'd be no more risk involved, leaving me (1+0 = 1) completely in control.
So that's what I did. At the expense of my whole self.
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I immediately knew this boyRob had either fled or was dead when I walked into a movie theater during the summer of '14. It had been just +/-8 months since my termination. The film was an animated family feature that was screening (with the family) at a discount (summer family film fest).
I sobbed throughout the 90-minutes. And not because of the content / uplifting nature of the film. No. I sobbed because it became immediately apparent to me that a part of me was completely missing from that experience. That part that usually sprang to life whilst entering into a movie theater (he relishes the experience). Therefore, there was no enjoyment therein. Instead, it felt as if I was simply wasting my time sitting in a large room with strangers.
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Many moons have passed since that summer afternoon.
And I'm convinced God will restore this "1". Perhaps soon I'll see more vestiges of my toy poodle.
