My modus operandi throughout the majority of my adult life has been to never back down from a challenge as it pertains to facing (& ultimately staring down / managing) homosexual desires. Particularly when the man involved is of obvious platonic / relational value to Rob. For I've come to quickly ascertain that sexual desire is fickle and not at all permanent. As such, especially considering homosexual attraction's dubiousness, my mantra more often than not is "Who really cares?".
Now, let me rewind the clock for a few minutes. I do not want to give you, dear reader, the impression that this cavalier attitude towards my sexuality nor my confidence in the "value of friendships" (with men I may be sexually attracted to - to whatever degree) themselves has always been. Oh, Hell no.
The first real formal relational attempt (what I'd hoped would be safe / healthy) that I pursued as a young man (tied to me being a Christian husband / father who'd experienced same-sex attraction extemporaneously since his youth) ended very abruptly. And please know that regarding the moniker, "young man", I was around the age of 35 at the time. Thankfully, I chalked this almost instantaneous flameout up to inexperience. Nonetheless, I was quite desperate and very ready to find an authentic friend. Especially one who might provide me with some sincere support / guidance. That sincerity / desperation combined with enough confidence in myself, allowed me to quickly pick myself up / brush myself off and carry forward exploring the landscape for friendlys.
Alas, even then, I began to suspect (& please know that I've never been a default pessimists) how difficult it might be to find authentic friendship even amongst other Christians. For I was not naive enough to believe that fessing up to having homosexual desires wouldn't complicate matters / raise eyebrows.
Thank goodness I'm a bit of an exhibitionist at heart.
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Can I have a deeply satisfying friendship sans being authentic about my sexuality? I'd say TODAY yes, but it's what I'd categorize as a 99% friendship.
Back then, NO. For no one (other than a handful of therapists, my wife / parents) had known this part of me, and eventually I reached a breaking point.
As such, today, I have subconsciously incorporated my same sex attraction into my "qualifier checklist" that I utilize to adjudicate potential friendships. Does this mean a more sexually attractive guy might qualify? Not necessarily within the viewpoint of the man on the street. But, for me personally, I do find that when my masculine archetype is identified and notably combined with certain other characteristics, I (holistically) take notice.
And that's true for a lot of guys regardless of their sexuality. Looks / posture / presentableness are impossible to ignore whilst sizing up another human being.
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This past week, I reached out to a Samson Society newcomer (after he'd shared his contact info with me post newcomer meeting) letting him know formally of my desire to befriend him. I only did this having sought the counsel of a longstanding Samson brother. For my concern was making this newbie feel cornered, and that was absolutely not my intent.
Nonetheless, this move grew out of me myself feeling exceptionally needy as of late. Neediness as an outgrowth of some kind of fierce (seasonal?) loneliness.
So here I am. Admitting to that and waiting to possibly hear back from newcomer Samson guy, Pete. And no, I'm not optimistic.
In closing, I'm thankful to be able to admit to feeling this way over the past month or so, and as strange as it may sound, I'm grateful too for how it's tested my capacity to tolerate a pain that's not been distinctly present for quite some time. For loneliness is like a low roar, at least for me, 'till it's much, much more.
And yes, just so you know, I have delved back into gay porn as a result of this. But nothing other than revisiting a handful of iconic videos from years past. Videos that bring temporary comfort.
Please pray for me to have the patience I need to endure this season of feeling alone / unseen.
And one more thing.
Over the past four years (even during the pandemic), fall represented coming alongside my oldest daughter as she supported her now alma mater's football team as a member of the collegiate dance squad. All that's come to an end now that she's graduated. Hence, there's been a sizable shift in our autumn routine.
It's important to know that her college's football team, during the past four years, mostly embarrassed the school, game after game after game (though they did have one winning season which lead to a bowl game). In light of this wretched ball playing, we only attended game days that were played on home turf, and then, only those that gave us an opportunity to support our daughter's squad in light of some particularly favored performance.
Nonetheless, today was the first time I truly took stock of this routine being no more. And I believe it too is taking its toll.
