Flynn's Recovery Journal (Entry 8 & 9)

(Entry #8)

Numbness – Apathy – Perseverance

Last night I relapsed, yet again. I acknowledge the steps I have taken up to this point to cut off access to explicit material, but in the back of my head, whether true or false, I believe I have known I would always find a way to get to porn. Today I am discouraged and feel defeated. As the title of this entry reads, my headspace is a mixture of numbness and apathy. With conviction, I feel what I am doing is wrong during and after self-pleasuring to porn, but at the same time, I feel like I cannot manage to live without it.

This is where I am at today. Long ago I heard the analogy that life is like a major highway with many lanes. Sometimes some lanes will be clogged and progress will be slow, and at the same time other lanes might have traffic humming along. I think this is an apt description of where I at least feel I am at. I am making progress and being diligent in regard to my new job and the move to a new place. But my recovery seems like it is at a standstill. In this circumstance, perseverance seems to me to be not losing faith that this lane will eventually open up.

(Entry #9)

Frustration and Anger

This post on the surface does not seem to me to be recovery related. But, in giving it some more thought, really everything in life is recovery related in at least some tangential way.

Today I have ran into some bumps with onboarding for my new job and securing a new place to live. I genuinely feel both were not the result of a mistake on my end, but I believe I have responded poorly to their popping up. I quickly grew frustrated, even angry, at what I perceived to be someone’s error causing me an issue or annoyance. A response from me was time-sensitive, and multi-tasking has never been my strong suit. I did not heed the wise words of the great basketball (and life) coach John Wooden: “Be quick, but don’t hurry.”

In these moments in the future, I hope I can remember that the grace God displays towards me for my faults is infinitely more than any I can share with another person in one given instance.

The issues are not fully resolved as of now, so I might get the opportunity to put this principle into practice. I pray I do if that is the case.

Recommended Reading (Love This!)

 Spiritual Disciplines for Tired Dads

Recommended Reading

https://manhoodjourney.org/state-of-biblical-fatherhood

Recommended Reading

Flynn's Recovery Journal (Entry #7)

Restlessness 

As long as I can remember, I have been a person with an abundance of nervous energy. It manifests in various ways depending on the circumstances. During conversation with someone I don’t know very well, I might smile and nod excessively. When I’m anticipating a call or an important meeting/task, I likely will go to town on making sure my immediate surroundings are neat and orderly. I do not view this trait as a character defect but rather as a personality trait that I try to be aware of and address when overly activated. (At one point in my life, I was crippled by OCD. While interrelated, these anxious “ticks” I view as distinct.) 

I have never been one to be able to sit still, and the advent of the smart phone and the intertwining of our lives with technology has only exacerbated this in my life. This is well and good when there are things to get done and as a preventative measure against laziness, but what about when I have put in a long day’s work and need to allow my body and mind to rest and recharge? 

For so long, I have passed up these opportunities for true rest because of my craving of stimulation. In addition to the physiological aspect of my struggle with porn (the belief I have cultivated that I need it to temper my sex drive at a given time), I think this part of me is also a significant contributor. 

A newspaper headline I saw months ago read, “When You’re Bored, Pay Attention,” and too often I haven’t been able to sit with myself and my thoughts. My automatic action in such moments (when I am alone, and especially just before going to sleep) is to retreat to the bathroom and self-pleasure. In these next weeks of high volume and quick turnaround as I move to Washington, DC for work, I hope to further recognize that my relationship with and dependence on porn is a lot more than sexual. That may be the primary driver of my initial attraction to it, but like most things, following through and making a habit does not have a singular cause. 

Next time I am presented with time to myself, my goal is to use it to deepen my understanding of myself through journaling here rather than languish in shame in God knows where.

Recommended reading (Ego Involvement)

The fastest way to kill motivation is to make your identity depend on the outcome.  It’s called ego involvement.

When failing becomes failing as a person, your brain starts avoiding the whole thing.  Not because you don’t care, but because you care too much.

You don’t need lower standards.  You need less self-worth tangled up in your goals.

The work gets easier when it’s not about proving who you are.

-lina (The Science of Being)

Recommended Reading (Literally)

Review: ‘The Tech Exit’ by Clare Morell