Friday, May 5, 2023
Thursday, May 4, 2023
Wednesday, May 3, 2023
"Isolated Darkness" - JR Everhart
Sometimes love is lost inside our selfish pride. Sometimes that pride writes checks that we don’t have the emotional dexterity to cash. Sometimes we stand over the battlefield of injured people who suffered at our hands of narcissistic dysfunction, and there’s nothing we can do to ease their pain. The damage is done and it’s so bad for them that they can’t even stomach having one more conversation with. Realizing all this creates pain and suffering in your own life that's intensely personal. An amends only goes so far and has no guarantee of reconciliation. Also, some individuals are so broken from our actions, they will never receive our apologies. Thus, our sincere regret only falls on deaf ears. Sometimes, the damage is final, and you just have to live with the guilt, shame, and paralyzing loneliness that comes with a broken clumsy life. Some things will never be fixed…
But after a time of grieving, this does not have to mark the rest of our lives. You can make room for forgiveness even when you yourself don’t believe you deserve it. It takes time to get to a place of healing and restoration; it is a long hard road of potholes and uncomfortable growth. Many of us hurt so deeply that we welcome the guilt, shame, and suffering because we feel like we deserve it. We subconsciously wish to suffer, as a penance towards the pain we caused our family and wives. But this is a counterfeit sacrifice of Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice for our sins at Calvary. In our sick and twisted minds, we somehow believe that we're expected to pay the price for our transgressions. Yes, we will suffer for the poor decisions we’ve made, but choosing to live in that self-sacrificial state is in direct conflict with Jesus’ work on the cross. A work that God's grace bought for us by his death and resurrection. Choosing to stay down, bathing in that sorrowful / regretful pain is sometimes as addictive as the sin itself. For some of us, that pain becomes our identity and imprints itself on our emotional DNA. It tells you that you’ll never be free of it, and will likely never find happiness again. These are lies of the enemy whose only purpose is to hold you down and rob you of any joy in your life. THIS IS NOT GOD'S WILL!
God is always turning what was meant for evil into good. He is always inside the dark carnival of our lives masterfully pulling his good purpose out of our struggles. Throughout, we must learn to reach out for help and let him love us. Man, that can be hard when we don’t feel like we deserve love anymore. I’ve been there, and always describe my walk with Christ as him loving me even when I didn’t know how to love myself. It’s a process, taking considerable time to open up and learn to love yourself again. Even when you don’t have much of any self-worth left. If we will embark by faith, he will heal our wounds and teach us how to love ourselves again. I’m writing this having walked every road I've since written about. I've lived through long seasons of self-hatred. It’s easy to get stuck there because the enemy is really good at making us see how we deserve this suffering. Sin will always bear witness with our flesh the same way grace and forgiveness bears witness with our spirit. The enemy knows this, and if he can keep you in a flesh-level of thinking, it will always feel like you deserve to be there (stay down). The only way out of this pit is to hijack your focus and start digging into God's word, thereby re-identifying yourself to the Holy Spirit / God's truth. It’s easy to believe you deserve pain when all you can see is the pain you’ve caused others. That’s flesh level thinking. But once you own your mistakes and make amends (to the best of your ability), it’s time to start believing that your past doesn’t dictate / define your present & future. Just because you make big mistakes in the past doesn’t mean you’ll do that again. Especially if you're active in programs that support healthy living.
Learning to love myself again was and is the hardest part of my recovery. I still, at times, get stuck in a mindset of regret and depression. But now, I refuse to stay there. Life is a rollercoaster, and we have to ride it even if we are scared of heights. But there is hope for a better tomorrow so long as we don’t let the shame of yesterday rob us of it. God once spoke to me and asked me why I couldn’t love myself the same way he loves me. Why can’t I be kind and gentle and longsuffering with the mistakes I make / made and just forgive myself the way he has forgiven me? It was a game changing my thought process that lead me to restoration. Choose today my friends, to let go of the pain and step into freedom in Christ Jesus.
Tuesday, May 2, 2023
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