Angie's Gift / Rob's Reward

The first two years of my marriage to Angie were completely unexpected but also indirectly endearing.  Angie spent those years in bondage to the throes of general anxiety disorder while I sat back in awe & pity of how debilitating a mental illness could be to an individual.

Angie's descent (if you will) synchronized with our honeymoon trip to east TN.  Therefore, by day three or four, we were both good and ready to return home (for there was no fun to be had in spite of our best efforts).  

General anxiety disorder is caused by the brain undeterminably releasing adrenalin in spades, keeping the individual's mind / body within a heightened state of alert for an extended period of time - days and days if not weeks and weeks on end.

As a result of this, Angie, in particular, was consumed with the fear of dying despite her being the picture of perfect health.  Therefore, she abhorred being left alone for fear of being assaulted / murdered whilst constantly pondering her impending doom via an "around the corner" imagined health crises (cancer, brain tumor, etc.) of some ilk.  

It didn't take me long to realize that it was her brain that was sick, and that with the proper treatment, she could find healing for that particular organ.  And once treatment ensued, she did get better.  But during this time, all I could do was wait it out, pray and try my darndest to patiently listen to my young wife's constant emotional pain.  As a result, I felt helpless but determined to see this crisis through, and in a way, I was grateful to have the opportunity as her newfound husband to "show my stuff".

The resurfacing (if you will) of the Angie I dated / became engaged to happened right at the two year mark, and it happened quickly.  From there, she stopped her medication and took an extended break from therapy, having learned coping skills that have been (literally) a lifesaver over the past 25 years.

And, as a result, our marriage then began as expected (at year one) during year three.

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One of the greatest virtues of only being sexually attracted to Angie (due to my same sex attraction) is my inability / disinterest in even serendipitously "playing the field".  Therefore, during this difficult season at the beginning of our marriage, I found it simple enough to keep my eyes on her the entire time.  Never once even fantasizing of the possibility of being married to someone else.  And, of course, even then, I knew this was a very special gift indeed.  

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But what didn't do me any favors during this important developmental season was how isolated I became emotionally - from both myself and my wife - as she attempted to keep her head above the waters of mental illness.  For the few individuals I did share her emotional turmoil with simply couldn't relate to what we were in the thick of, and as a result, I ceased opening up to them relative to her ongoing suffering.

In looking back, I believe something which should have taken root in me as Angie's new husband during those important developmental years unfortunately did not.  And I believe that something had much to do - on down the road - with me being unable to see myself qualitatively as a proper husband should.

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Now, let me speak in general terms here regarding my thoughts on newlywedom.

Those early years of marriage should represent a season of affirmation between spouses as the two merge into - as the Bible describes it - one flesh.  This didn't happen between Angie and I.  It couldn't.  She was too sick, and I was too focused on nursing her through her sickness.  As a result, I've really struggled with seeing myself - as her husband - with any clarity whatsoever over the past 25 years.  As such, I don't hold any ill will against Angie for this.  But, I am keenly aware of how God's working today to repair that damage, in and through my sweet wife and her continued physical recovery from her May 29, 2020 stroke.

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Angie's recovery from last year's stroke is truly remarkable, but over the past few weeks, I've seen an uptick in her physical strength and stamina that's literally lit a fire in my gut.

Pre-stroke, Angie would strength train at the Y with me - on occasion, but she never really warmed up to it.  It was always apparent that she simply wasn't comfortable there.  Plus, sweating for Angie makes her super embarrassed / conscientious.  

But today, that's changed.  Not only is she more comfortable, but she's willing to work (& subsequently perspire) much harder than I've ever seen her choose to do.

You should know that when she does certain exercises, because of the loss of strength / mobility within her left arm (as a result of her stroke), she looks disabled (or hungover).  And this really used to bother her.  But today, her strength gains have superseded that shame.  One of the coolest things to witness is her on the rowing machine.  She's like a CrossFitter, determined to stay ahead of her fellow exercise zealots.

She's also tracking her steps everyday with one of those watches.  And though I never really thought much about that in the past, based on what I know today, it's an equally important means to an end.

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So how does this impact Rob positively?  

Unlike my experience with Angie as my new anxiety-crippled wife 25 years ago, this Angie, I feel I can actually do something to assist.  And as such, it assists me.  How?  By affirming me as her husband.  Particularly as it pertains to my passion for strength training and the sacredness (if you will - to me) of the gym.  Having her there with me, and seeing her engage as she's been engaging - for her own sake - is remarkably rewarding / affirming to witness.  

Therefore, while she's doing her thing on one side of the gymspace, I'm doing my own.  Yet, I can't help but know intrinsically where she's at (& not just within the physical space), and as such, I find that I can see myself much more clearly as a result of this newfound duality / synergistic experience.

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Last fall, I went with my Silas to a CrossFit competition in south Mississippi.  I wasn't there to compete but to observe (only one observer was permitted due to COVID-19 restrictions), and as such, it was a privilege.  Throughout the day, I watched with interest as my athletic Silas worked in tandem with his teammate (an old friend from his college days), facing off against 5-6 other 2-man teams.  And unsurprisingly, their team of two won the competition!  

What that experience did for me was promulgate trust between myself and my Silas.  For not only was I on his home turf, but I was sorta formally ushered into his circle of old friends (many of which were on site) via that experience.  And that was extremely cool.

But, I don't typically gain visual acuity of me myself by spending time with my Silas.  Instead, I tend to focus on him and where he's at presently.  

He and I are so similarly tempered that there's not a whole lot that's not already been stated (and heard).  Therefore, our time together is just enjoyable for me.  Easy.  Natural.  Unhard.  Brotherly.

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I want Angie to keep getting stronger, and as such, I want to continue making up for lost time as her new husband.  I like seeing myself - finally - as something other than ?.

God is good.

Lagniappe

Recommended Viewing - Take Note Of This Guy's Countenance As He Describes His Newfound Friendship. His Eyes, In Particular. This Is The Power Of Platonic Attraction.

Happy Father's Day Jackson, Mississippi Samson Men!

On Father's Day, free your sons from the bonds of an outdated masculinity (msn.com)

Op-Ed: There were some things even my dad, the fixer, couldn't fix (msn.com)

I thought I knew my dad. The pandemic taught me I was wrong. (msn.com)

Perspective: I grew up with an absent father. Now I’m especially grateful for Father’s Day (msn.com)

What Greek epics taught me about the special relationship between fathers and sons (msn.com)

‘May You Worship Your Father’s God’: The Spiritual Legacy of Faithful Men | Desiring God

The Gift of a Distracted Dad (thegospelcoalition.org)

Communication Is A Key To Success

One of the primary purposes of journalism is to expose.  And when it comes to crime, their job in that regard is to shame.  This then works to educate the rest of us as to the consequences of crime in order for us to think hard before we choose to participate in illegal activity.

Every US / Mississippi citizen isn't gifted a copy of the "Rule Of Law".  Instead, we (hopefully) learn of it through lawbreakers' misfortune and subsequent exposure.  

Now, this is not a perfect methodology to communicate the "Rule Of Law", but it's how it works here in the western world.  This is one reason impoverished communities may be overrun with crime.  For poverty often equates to poor education.  Poor education means you can't read.  If you can't read, you're screwed overall, but especially in light of how convicting it typically is whilst engaging with quality journalism.

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The Bible is a model for this journalistic approach, particularly within all manner of the books within the Old Testament.  You'll find story after story of Bible characters whose narratives so often involve sin and the consequences of that sin.  And this also often includes God's point of view as well regarding that character's situation.  These narratives can be very helpful to us as Christians for it teaches us what God's expectations are (& the consequences for choosing to ignore those) with ease.  Therefore, if we'll study these stories, essentially we can be forewarned in advance of the consequences of taking part in unrighteous behavior ourselves.  As such, we have a good God who provided us with the Good Book.

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I've talked often about my parents within various former blog posts, and as you'll recall, they were both teenagers when they got pregnant with me.  From there (a few months after the pregnancy), they chose to marry.  As a result of me being the bastard child (I suppose), neither of them ever behaved like actual parents or really even a married couple (in my midst).  What I mean by this criticism is they didn't know shit about how to parent me, therefore they didn't.  That being said, they did care deeply for me.  It's just that it never transcribed into the normal parenting realm.  Plus, they never, ever demonstrated their romantic love for each other (in front of me).  To expound on that last point, I've never seen my parents kiss or hold hands or hug.  Ever.  

As you might imagine, that made for quite a weirdmo house to be reared within.  Yet, it was Rob's version of normal.

So what does it mean to parent a child?  It's providing specific / timely instruction to that child on behalf of their future well-being.  Instruction on all manner of subjects - from grooming to finance to sexuality to romance to education and on and on and on.

And if the household is Christian, the Bible is an awesome resource to complement parents' parenting work.

Great communication in this regard increases one's chances of ending up with children who stay out of the newspaper / off jounalists' radar.  

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Samson Society meetings provide weekly opportunities to read the newspaper - so to speak - in strictest confidence.  Essentially, you're there to see men expose themselves and their sin.  And the good in this comes from the learning therein.  

This is why I can get so flustered when pagans show up to Samson meetings.  And this is because they typically have quite the diluted concept of sin.  As such, they may just only share info that's on par with the local weather report.  And as a result, everyone's left wanting by said forecast.

Samson meetings are also designed to reduce the chances of guys glossing over their sin.  And again, this is super helpful to everyone else fortunate enough to be in the room during that juncture.  For sin is hideously ugly and decrepit.

And this is what makes Samson Society meetings so sacred.  This helpfulness & insight (direct and indirect) that comes from all this raw honesty.

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If you know me at all, you know me as an extremely observant individual.  And a lot of that is due to my training as an architect.  But even as a child, I never had any issue paying attention to behavior / circumstance.  But this was especially true after I was born again in middle school.  What I'm trying to say here is I deciphered right from wrong from all that I observed - family (extended and immediate), church, school, etc.

And that was why the chronic homosexual lust issues were so suffocating to young Rob.  For I was keenly aware of my enslavement to private fantasies that represented deep seated regret and wretched moral failure on all fronts.  

Yet, no one, NO ONE had ever shared with me first (or even second) hand how they'd also been in bondage similarly to this repetitive fantastical escape.  Therefore, I was completely isolated as such.  And that's exactly where Satan wanted me to be.  It made for a bad, bad situation.

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This morning, I encountered (what I assumed) a lesbian couple whilst out running.  They were walking through the same botanical garden trail I was during my halfway point.  And as such, I looked hard at them and their (again assumed) sexually sinful partnership.

I came away from that further resolved to never (me, myself) choose to go down that same road.  For I could see in them what I did not want to become / be a part of despite my homosexual orientation.

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My oldest friend telephoned me yesterday.  He excitedly announced his new position as a state of MS employee.  From there, he went on to describe his job description, and then he stated whom he'd be directly reporting to within his new (7/1) position.

My heart sank.

And then I just got pissed.

I wanted to say to him, "Why didn't you reach out to me prior to agreeing to take this state government position?  Especially considering that when I was an employee of the state of Mississippi (from 2006 - 2012), I also directly reported to this exact same individual."

But I didn't.  Instead, I said what I say to guys who can't seem to consistently commit to Samson Society meetings.  

I hope next time you'll choose to involve yourself within community.  I'll be praying for you.

Recommended Viewing - The Difficulty In Communication Between Men

Our God Of Ideas

When God speaks to us through our imaginations, allowing us to see opportunities for good that otherwise we wouldn't see, this is such the humbling experience.  

Even better is when we act on that idea and witness the good making its impact on those around us.

And this is an especially special experience when those who're impacted by God's idea grow forward in their faith as a result.

Use us Lord as your catalyst.  We welcome your ideas to bring about your glory.

Recommended Reading - Desiring God Post (What It's Like To Facilitate A Samson Society Group / Pastor A Church)

 When You Spend Yourself for the Sheep (thegospelcoalition.org)