How To React When A Tenured Spouse (Who Happens To Also Be A Co-Parent) Either Over Or Understeps (Relative To Their God-Given Role Within The Family)

Circumstances within a married household (w/ or w/o children) bring about consistent change.  For instance, there are changes in daily / weekly schedules and subsequently expectations and demands change.  These circumstances / demands are often tied to milestones, such as summer break / school starting or simply the maturation of various offspring.

Therefore, what tends to happen amidst all this fluidity is mom and dad sometimes overstep / understep within their individual, God-given roles.  Why?  Because they're imperfect, therefore we easily forget - at times - our various roles / responsibilities.

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My second position within an architecture firm here in Jackson (back in 1997) freed me from telephone answering duty (answering the office landline telephone whenever it would ring).  Unlike my first position - right out of college (within a tiny firm of just 5 individuals), I was now working alongside (at least three) administrative personnel who took care of mundane (but extremely important) tasks like this one.  

What was unusual though about this new-to-Rob setup was how demanding one of these three administrative people was regarding her colleagues taking a telephone call - right then and there.

I vividly remember being in the men's room taking a dump whilst having this admin lady loudly announce (through a sizable crack in the men's room door) that I "had a telephone call!".

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Husband / Wife / Father / Mother - besides the biological, each has a distinct role to play within a family.  And sure there can be some overlap, but overall, the Husband / Father is the head and the Wife / Mother is the helpmeet.  Now, does that mean the female is a doormat?  Of course not.  For the male loves his female as Christ loved the church (his bride) and gave himself up for her.  And, of course, this is the Biblical model. 

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My wife grew up in a household where her dad was in no way the head.  Instead, it was her mother who called the shots - on everything.  And when her mother didn't get her way, she'd behave like a spoiled child 'till she either broke her husband's will or lost interest in rebelling any longer.  Fueling much of this approach was her parents ongoing abuse of alcohol to placate any and all relational stress (of which there was a lot).  

I grew up within a similar household sans the alcohol usage.  Yet, my parents were extremely young when I was a boy, whereas Angie's parents are 20+ years their senior.  Therefore, of my two parents, whilst in their mid-twenties (& I was around 8 or 9), it was my mother who was markedly more mature and therefore more "qualified" to lead our troupe.  And that's what she did.  Quite well, I must say.

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One of the attributes that I aspire (as their father) to instill within all three of my children is discipline.  Discipline is tough for children to appreciate, especially if they're not involved in team activities (where discipline is promoted via positive peer pressure / a coach).  My oldest daughter has had the good fortune of being a school team member (middle / high school dance team), but the other two, not so much (other than middle daughter's experience within a theatrical production class).

My primary methodology for instilling discipline within my children is by not "babying" them.  In other words, as salient members of our clan, I expect them to do their fair share of household chores, etc. on top of keeping up their grades, executing volunteer work and putting some sort of weekly emphasis on physical fitness (as opposed to the ubiquitous screen time).

Now, we're officially within the summer months, therefore my daughters are out of school, and like I alluded to earlier within this post, change of schedule / routine can bring about an upending of specific roles (as well as an implied loosening of guidelines).

So, here's a description of the situation.

It's Monday morning, and I was the first up (yesterday).  And this isn't atypical for our household (me getting out of bed firstly).  Now, when it comes to each child's schedule, I simply cannot keep up with it.  Especially during the summer because the schedules are in no way routine.  But, Angie does this with aplomb.  She uses both her sharp mind as well as some sort of family calendar app to keep everything straight.  

But I digress.

What I did, upon getting up, was awaken all three of our little sinners around 8 AM.  I knew they'd turned in the night before around 10:30 PM (the oldest two with the youngest an hour earlier), therefore I felt it was time for them to get their weeks started.

Angie disagreed.  And she respectfully made that known as she shushed me whilst standing there within our living room.

And this made me angry for I considered it an overstep on her part.  

Therefore, about 30 minutes later, she asked me to sit down with her and the girls in the living room to discuss her / their point of view (for they had no interest in getting up at 8 AM either).  And after listening to their rationale, I asked them to confer amongst themselves over the course of the day in preparation to report back to me regarding when to wake them up exactly on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday mornings over the remainder of the summer months (this was me being a smartass).

I did this whilst admitting that I know squat about their independent schedules, and don't want to (this was me being a dick).

And as I thought more about this situation throughout the day, I realized that Angie had every right to overstep here, despite it making me feel impeded upon as the dad.  

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In closing, what would I have done differently yesterday morning whilst being approached by my sweet wife regarding this seemingly unimportant detail (wake time)?

Been more respectful.  For Angie understands CLEARLY both her role as well as mine.  Hence, the way she approached me when she did (with respect) demonstrated what I should have immediately reciprocated with (respect).  

I also would have apologized - to all the girls - last night for overreacting yesterday morning.

Why?

It's important to me that my daughters understand - through their father - how men should act / react within the home - in a godly manner.  And I want them to learn this via example.  

Why is this important to me?

We men are dumbasses.  Therefore, I want my daughters to choose a future husband who's somewhat less of a dumbass than the majority (which I'm a part of).  My daughters' collective knowledge regarding a specific "model husband" is me - their father.  That being, what's important to me, how I react, and so forth.  Yikes.

If I don't demonstrate grace to my wife / girls, there's a risk my future son-in-laws won't either.  And that scares the hell out of me.

What Does / Will A Life Filled With Good Works Say About You?

Within our present-day culture, I believe it will set you apart from the majority, therefore within certain circumstances, you will be elevated (popularity / respect) dramatically within the eyes of your fellow man.  As such, regarding Christianity (assuming that's the foundation of your life), there's an opportunity there, or maybe a better way to put it is an obligation there to communicate why / what exactly is (Jesus / Holy Spirit) behind all of this good behavior.

I call this approach to manhood, here within our western culture, the Andy Griffith / Michael Landon ideal.  It's this notion that men can be and should be - to be a man, particularly an American man - deeply, deeply grounded in working diligently on behalf of everyone else as a means of always looking out for their best interests.  And as such, most everything (grown out of that) will hopefully conclude with reward(s) and never suffering.  Never more harm.  Never regret.  And expectedly, your standing in the community (& bank account) will proportionally elevate as a result!

Therefore, if you die young (& this is your MO), "sainthood" may soon follow while all of us left behind - spouse, children, friends, and so forth deeply mourn our loss of all that model behavior you graced us with.  

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This past week, I was made aware of just such a forecasted saint.  A man who I had the privilege to know from past vocational experience (when I was working for the state of MS) many years ago.

Teddy was literally the ideal man.  Handsome, caring, intelligent, articulate, well educated, credentialed.  His confidence emanated naturally from his pores.  And what humility!  All and all, he was so very seemingly perfect in every way.  Like Jesus with skin on.  Literally.

Therefore, having not known of his early death during Q1 of 2021 (for I would have virtually attended the memorial service), I went searching for his obituary online.

And what I found there left me thinking an awful lot about what truly motivates a man to behave as he does (particularly amidst other people).

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Jack Lewis argued that "good men" overall are easier to see converted to Christianity, but on the opposing side of that argument, I've heard men claim (back during the Promise Keepers' days of the '80s and '90s) that men with "pasts" are often more devout / committed once obtaining faith in Jesus Christ.  And that the latter case makes for a more "qualified" Christian man.  

For example, if you were to follow that argument, a pagan man who'd cheated repeatedly on his spouse, spent a few years behind bars, and was heavy into drugs and alcohol prior to being converted would be defined as a more comprehensive Christian as a result.  And there are plenty of those who'd argue too that conversion would be just as easy, if not easier, for this poor sinner.

The Bible presents God as a expectant father figure.  Particularly regarding obedience to his commands.  And, of course, all of that expected obedience falls on his children (who rely on the Holy Spirit to assist them with this).  The Bible also states that man is conscious of God's existence.  And this makes sense because of how we're intrinsically rationale, curious beings who long for questions to be answered like - Who am I?  What's my purpose?  What is the meaning of life?  Who created me?  Why do I exist? - and so forth.

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Many years ago, I sat through a day-long lighting design workshop down at the Old Capitol Inn.  From what I remember, the event was fairly well executed and attended despite the mundane topic.  But what did help to liven things up was the unique relationship between the presenters - that being, they were married.  Now, this was a number of decades ago, and as such, particularly here in Mississippi, there weren't many husband / wife business partnerships to speak of - at least within the design / planning realm.  

As the workshop day drug on, the temperatures dramatically rose out of doors, therefore the close quarters our small class was being held within also began to heat up proportionally.

I was seated in the very back of the narrow, makeshift classroom and feeling a bit claustrophobic, therefore I was grateful to see the event conclude when it did.  

As I'd always done (& continue to do), I then dutifully made my way to the podium to thank the presenters.  But midway to my destination, I was hit by a stench of ammonia-laced body odor that intensely burned my nose hairs / brought tears to my eyes.  Nonetheless, I was too late to turn back, for the husband speaker had seen me coming his way to speak / ask questions there at the conclusion.

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My youngest daughter is an angel from heaven.  Literally.  This child is not only physically beautiful, but her spirit is just off the charts - loving, caring, and all those words that make you a little sick to your stomach if you think about them for too long.  

On occasion, She and I dialogue about her pending conversion to Christianity, and oftentimes, the root of these questions are centered on her wanting to be like her big sisters (particularly in regards to being permitted to take communion at church).  The emphasis on my reasoning (patriarchal observation) for her not being yet lassoed in by the gospel of Jesus Christ isn't related to her wonderfully obedient behavior.  Instead, it's tied to her not being privy to her depravity / sin as an eleven year-old girl.  At least on any measurable scale.

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So, let's return to my now deceased middle-aged, soon to be sainted friend.  

His obituary eviscerates any notion of born-againess.  As such, there's no mention of a higher power of any sort.  Really, in many ways, it truly pays homage to he himself as a godman.  

Therefore, were heaven truly an earned affair, he was no doubt qualified to enter in via performance here on Earth alone.

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I cannot describe how difficult it was to traverse those final 8 to 10 steps to the front of the makeshift classroom there within the Old Capitol Inn.  And not only because of the horrendous stench, but due to the empathy I had for this bearded lighting designer's wife (who was now working feverishly to pack up their belongings).  

It didn't take me long to realize the narrative relative to the stench emanating from him.  

Likely, their presentation prep had been procrastinated.  Thusly, the preceding late night effort had severely intruded on needed rest.  From there, he overslept that AM, didn't have time to shower, and forgot too to re-apply deodorant to those thick hairy armpits.  Complicating matters was the slow warming of the classroom space (w/ little to no HVAC air movement) we'd been assigned as the day's temps rose dramatically.  Not to mention the three-piece suit he was wearing, which only served to further bake his dirty bod.  

There was one other attendee in front of me prior to my having the opportunity to thank the husband presenter with a firm architect's handshake.  Taking a gander at the presenter's brow (from over the shoulder of the colleague in front of me), I could now clearly see the beads of sweat.  My heart sank for him at that moment.  For all anyone would likely remember of that six-hour affair, that they'd worked so hard to pull off, was his monumental, gag-reflexing BO. 

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The Bible commands God's children to glorify their heavenly father through their faith in him.  How?  This faith bears fruit, and that fruit promulgates good works.  Therefore, it is Christ in us that's making that happen and thusly, getting all the credit. 

But becoming one of God's children involves a rebirth of ourselves.  And that rebirth (of the Spirit) is tied to our knowledge and then faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  And that faith is a gift to those God elects.  

When this faith is ignited within us, it is our re-birth.  For our eyes are opened to just how imperfect we truly are in contrast to how perfect Jesus Christ truly is (through our understanding of him).

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You and I will rub shoulders with a handful of Andy Griffiths and Michael Landons (not his real name) throughout our lives along with many who aspire to be.  And these seemingly perfect business owners, husbands, fathers, sons, brothers, friends can be awe inspiring and intimidating to behold.  But, rest assured, if you track the ministry of Jesus within the gospel accounts, the Messiah didn't pay much heed to these gents.  Instead, he was much more interested in those who were far from knocking life out of the ballpark.

This knowledge of Jesus is what resonated with me as a boy.  For I was far, far more relatable to those men overall.  In summary, I stunk.  Big time.

Talk Is Cheap / The Samson Guy Who's Obsessed With Everything BUT His Own Shit

You know you're in for a treat when during a Samson Society meeting share time, your fellow extremely intelligent, articulate Samson guy uses his time to give you an update on his home renovation project.  Or perhaps he's so moved during this particular meeting to interject his opinion regarding how the world is - this close - to an apocalyptical end.  Maybe too, he's simply there to let you know how his seemingly neverending job hunt is going.  And all of this redundant drivel, of course, is in no way related to the Samson meeting word (which was emailed out 3-days prior to the meeting) because he failed to review the word. 

And the fodder behind his approach to meeting attendance is no doubt centered on the truth that this man has zero friends, therefore attending a weekly Samson Society meeting is essentially his "McDonald's coffee group" time.   

I've seen it time and time again.  Especially from men who're extreme loners.  And please know that I love extreme anythings until they show up to Samson Society meetings only to treat them like happy hour.

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So what brings about an extreme loner?

At times, it can be some form of mental illness.

With enough exposure, a mentally ill person's off gassing - that being the off-kilter stench of depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc. - will eventually become notable to those around him.  Hence, isolation results.  

Now, as we know, water seeks its own level, therefore mentally ill individuals certainly do gravitate towards each other.  It can even happen within marriages, actually serving to sustain (co-dependency).

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As a facilitator, all I can do is bite my lip and pray for patience with these guys.  Unless, of course, I have the good fortune of spending some one on one (two-person meeting / after-meeting) time with them.

It's then that I press in, and if I see that his involvement relative to his recovery in Samson Society should be supplemented (& I'm a huge fan of taking a multi-faceted approach to recovery), I urge the man to seek professional help.  

It is a fact that professional counseling can be a wonderful use of one's time within certain circumstances, and from there, hopefully our together time as Samson brothers can be better utilized within the meetings, after-meetings and otherwise.

Let me repeat that.

It is a fact that professional counseling can be a wonderful use of one's time within certain circumstances, and from there, hopefully our together time as Samson brothers can be better utilized within the meetings, after-meetings and otherwise.

Let us all say a prayer for our extreme loner brothers today.

Lagniappe

Recommended Viewing - "Theology In The Raw" w/ Dr. Preston Sprinkle

Recommended Viewing - Christian Sexuality - Interview With Alex Lerza LMFT

One Key To Long-Term Marriage Success = An Aversion To Adultery (Imagined Or Otherwise)

9,125 days amounts to a lot of days waking up next to the same woman.  For she'll change physically (due to her health failing or otherwise), sometimes dramatically, throughout the span of those years.  

When Angie and I agreed to marry at First Baptist Church Jackson on June 1, 1996, we signed up as well for the obligatory pre-marital counseling.  And this consisted of spending a Sunday afternoon with a very perky seminary student who asked really easy questions of both of us.  At the conclusion of this session, he told us that we were very unlikely to have any major issues within our marriage.

It didn't take long for us to discern what a dumbass statement this was.

Within 24 hours of tying the knot, Angie's mental health went off the deep end relative to her general anxiety disorder.  And this literally happened on the first full day of our honeymoon.  From there, the following two years were extremely difficult relative to her state of mind and my complete ineptitude regarding being the young husband of a mentally ill wife.   

Three years into our marriage, the Internet came on the scene, and immediately, I was hooked on the gay porn images (dial-up, though soon to be DSL) that were now readily available (& free!).  I remember specifically telling Angie that this development would surely kill me for I'd never seen images like these (nor had them so conveniently made available).

Angie's parents - from the getgo - were (her dad's now deceased) a nightmare to deal with.  They were completely unsupportive and critical of our marriage at every turn.  As if it was a their lot in life to tear our marriage down - one brick at a time.

My mother really struggled with making peace with me now being married to Angie and as such, me no longer being her emotional crutch.  It took many years for her to make peace with this new reality and subsequently cease from resenting my wife.

I lost my job within 30 days of our marriage, and then again, +/-17 years later (for breaking my employer's IT policy).

Need I say more?

Like I said, it was a dumbass statement.  For there's no way to forecast a couple's marriage outlook via an initial 2-hour counseling session.

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My mother's infidelity, (back when I was in 4th grade) and the permanent ramifications therein, likely made the biggest positive impact on my own marriage, particularly as it relates to my personal choices made as a husband.

And I've told Darlene (my mom) that.

Watching the massive emotional fallout from my mom's ongoing six-month affair with her bossman, within our home (back in 1981), made a clear impact on how deadly I came to consider infidelity.  As a result, I have avoided it (physical infidelity) like the plague. 

As a segue from that statement, Angie's observation of her mother's alcoholism (when she was in middle school) made a similar impact on her relative to the ramifications that drugs can make on the home.  Again, the emotional fallout was massive, and the impact long lasting.  As a result, alcohol / drug usage isn't a part of our home and never will be.  

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Through the years, I've had a number of Samson guys question my claims of fidelity.  Some will ask the question, "Are you sure you've never cheated?" after hearing my story.  

Obviously it's difficult to fathom a husband (married to a female), who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction, could remain faithful for 25 years.  But, by God's grace, I've done it, and I hope to maintain that status quo.

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In conclusion, I want to include a controversial point of view that I believe to be worth mentioning regarding husband's cheating on their wives.

But in order to do so, I need to firstly talk about Russian men.   

Russian men are expected to cheat.  Just as they're expected to be (weekend) drunks.  It's simply ingrained in what it means to be a Russian husband (particularly a straight husband) within their culture.  These behaviors are accepted / expected due to how it syncs with Russian's understanding / embracing / elevating / celebrating of Russian masculinity.

I would argue many married (to a female) American men also declare / undergird / reinforce their masculinity similarly, though it's obviously frowned upon here to do this as a declaration of one's gender.     

And here's another take on that that's even more controversial.

Gay men (Russian or otherwise) are inherently promiscuous.  I believe sexual activity between gay men is often either a demonstration or infusion of masculinity (depending on each lover's inherent sexual desires).  

Reinforcing / bolstering one's masculinity along with worshiping said masculinity can be genuinely experienced via illicit sexual activity.    

I believe this can be a massive catalyst of infidelity, even within the most stable of marriages.

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It truly is a miracle that my marriage has been sustained for this long.  When I meet men who've experienced divorce or who are in the midst of divorce, I count my blessings whilst never discounting their loss.  

For those of you who're reading this and presently considering separation or divorce, I present the following to you:  I've had the privilege of serving on architectural design teams for multiple municipal buildings here in Mississippi, backpacked throughout western Europe for seven weeks, worked to rear three beautiful daughters, and successfully run numerous 5K races, but none of these achievements compare to having a long-term singular marriage.  It truly is the greatest blessing of my life.  Considering that, my marriage to Angie isn't ideal, but none is.  

Thanks be to God for my marriage.  Here's to another 25 years! 

Lagniappe   

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