Jesus January - Mid Month Update

Back in December, we had an all-together lunch with some friends whose daughter and son are longstanding friends (former schoolmates) of our children.  Christmas was around the corner, therefore everyone was in the holiday spirit, anticipating the annual celebration with all its traditions and (inevitable) headaches.  This couple had surprisingly (to us) been visiting our church, and as such, once we realized this, saw fit to make a concerted effort to recognize this exciting move via breaking bread together.

Not long into our lunch, the husband of this fantastic couple "laid bare" / admitted to his deep admiration for the band KISS.  I was intrigued.  I'd only heard of one other middle-aged guy similarly enthralled by the "Knights In Satan's Service", and again he too was a parent of our daughters' friends.

I sat there between bites of my Italian entree peering at photos (on his pocket computer) of he and his wife posing alongside KISS' bandmembers (backstage).  He went on to proudly exclaim that he'd seen the band in concert almost 40 times over the decades.  And to top it off, his two KISS pinball machines and signed guitars were some of his most prized possessions.

I asked when and how his passion for KISS originated.  His detailed answer left me unsurprised.  For as I'd assumed, it had taken root smack dab in the middle of his teenage years.

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It's been 15+ days since I've self-pleasured (masturbated).  I'm elated that my "Jesus January" fast is holding steady.  

Why am I doing this?

Though sexual fantasy / gay porn has long since been banished from my self-pleasure routine (by God's grace), I felt deeply convicted to come up with some cadence to briefly pause an established bi- (if not more) weekly trend.  My thinking was as follows:  how else might I conveniently learn via abstinence if I didn't intentionally pull back?

What's struck me the most is how much LESS shame I feel overall.  It's as if boyRob (who exists within my mind) is so very proud of manRob for acting as he has over the past two weeks.  In other words, my boyhood self is who's been bearing the brunt of the shame fallout relative to self-pleasure.  Even if I'm NOT lusting whilst doing so, shame is still manifesting itself as a result.  Why?

As an aside, keep in mind that my wife isn't interested in nurturing the sexual side of our marriage, and she hasn't been since becoming disabled in May of '20.  This realization has never bothered me (& it still doesn't).  In fact, I've often been deeply grateful to have self-pleasure techniques (originating from my boyhood) to fall back on.

Nonetheless, I'm finding - via Jesus January - that the boy inside hasn't been justly served via this laissez faire approach to manRob pulling on his wiener.

Let me repeat that.

Nonetheless, I'm finding - via Jesus January - that the boy inside hasn't been justly served via this laissez faire approach to manRob pulling on his wiener.

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In closing let's discuss pragmatics.  For Rob, lust-free masturbation experiences aren't at all extemporaneous affairs.  Especially if there's been little down time since the previous experience.  

As such, precious time / energy is relegated, and when you take habitual sessions into account, a sizable amount of time / energy (which could be allocated elsewhere) is utilized.

Of course, boyRob is keenly aware of this.  Particularly from the standpoint of how he sees himself TODAY as a 51-year-old man.

Throughout this life, he adjudicates his older self constantly, taking into account where / how / how much energy / resources are allocated across the entire spectrum of my / his adult life.  As such, it's boyRob who's kept me from becoming fanatical (as an adult) regarding any and all childhood passions that weren't deemed appropriate relative to my maturity (physical / emotional age) as a man.  But the exception to all of this has been self-pleasure.  For it's the one thing manRob has rebelled with.

But I've never realized just how disrespectful this undisciplined habit has been to boyRob 'till this farcical "Jesus January" idea came to fruition.  

So, the question now comes down to this:  What does he need from me in order to establish the respect I absolutely do wish to earn from him in regards to self-pleasure?  

I have no intentions of stopping the physical act of masturbation outright, but I can, most certainly, be more intentional about how often and under what circumstances I do this going forward.

Lastly, can I actually successfully abstain from self-pleasure for another 16 days?

We'll just have to wait and see.

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"Breaking Free Of Fear-Based Religion!" - JR Everhart

 A friend posted this statement today on Facebook: 

“Ponder how valuable your soul is for Satan to tirelessly pursue it, and the king (Jesus) to lay down his own life for it.” 

This idea blows my mind in about 13 different directions.  Particularly in a world that constantly tells you that you are of no value; hence, a failure, and everyone realizes it.  Jesus is standing there saying, “You are so valuable to me that I gave my own life for you.  That none should perish but all come to repentance and reconciliation with the father through me.”  How am I so very STUPID that I miss this day after day?  It’s because I choose to focus on the obvious laying right in front of me, in lieu of reaching just outside my field of vision in order to connect with God.  It’s because it takes a conscience effort to connect with God versus it being a default setting.  And since it does not come naturally, our flesh wars against the desires of our heart.  Anyone that tells you any different is in denial of how the human experience is framed in this world.  Every day, I feel as if I wake up to demonic forces staring me down.  I haven’t even taken my second breath in the morning before the temptor lays something at my feet.  I could easily live three lifetimes, taking into consideration all the time I’ve spent at the tree of good and evil arguing with the serpent.  News flash!  The longer I stand there talking with that fool, the easier it is for his foolishness to attach itself to me.  It takes a conscious effort to walk away and follow through with righteousness.  Even within my time of prayer, the enemy is there.  Always trying to distract me and feed me his lies.  My only hope is in a savior who's overflowing with love versus a desire to judge and condemn me.  Jesus said he didn’t come into this world to condemn it, but to save it. 

There've been so many seasons where I’ve lived in deep condemnation and shame.  During those times, I sincerely believed Jesus was disappointed or angry with me.  But what I discovered was those feelings were radiating from my own self-hatred and earthly performance-based standard.  I’ve spent years as a confessing Christian buying into the lies of karma over the truth residing within grace.  Why?  Because karma bears witness with my flesh.  It feels right to think that I deserve judgement when I fail.  And while accountability is an established part of the human experience, there is only one accuser whose entire existence is to remind you of how much you have failed, and his name is Satan.  That distortion of guilt and condemnation is a direct reflection of hell.  And I spent decades of my life willingly enslaved to it.  Living in constant defeat whilst blithely waving a false flag of grace and love.  Eventually, I realized that this wasn’t entirely my fault; most of the church culture I grew up in taught that God only loved and cared for the good little boys and girls.  That if I didn’t figure out a way to live above sin, I was going straight to hell no matter how good of a life I lived.  Turn or burn.  That was the message of my childhood churches. 

That entire mindset is akin to Buddhist karma than anything Christian.  And,  of course, I found it impossible to secure victory over my sin via those church teachings.  Instead, there was only guilt and shame ad nauseum simply because I couldn’t get it right and thereby live a perfect life as Jesus did.  Sadly, this whole doctrine is based on fear as well as a complete abandonment of faith.  And those who teach it have no faith that Jesus’ work on the cross was enough for the struggling drug addict or the sex addict (who honestly loves the Lord and is trying his best, but can’t seem to break the cycles of compulsive behavior in his life).  To take it a step further, I found there to be no mercy or grace for the guy struggling with anything “unholy”.  Instead, he was given a period of time to get "right with God" once converted, but after that, you were expected to fall in line with the rest of the church (in order to become a yes man or woman).  I’m still in awe of all the time I wasted within my life attempting to climb these religious ladders that lead to nowhere helpful. 

It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom whereas I was barely hanging onto my life that I was able to let religion go prior to building a foundation on relationship and trust in Christ.  Also, the second I stopped keeping score of my sin (& good deeds) and simply trusted Jesus to be enough for my struggles initiated the beginning of amazing freedom within my life.  Grace is never a license to sin, God forbid!  The Law and Grace run parallel to each other.  It is very much God's will for me to seek holiness, and I honestly try to do this.  But it is not God's will for me to live a life focused on my failures.  Because if all I choose to see are my warts and failures, I will never see God's hand and the good that's being manifest via my struggles.  My Heavenly Father is always taking what was meant for evil and using it for good.  But I’ll be remiss to truly understand that if I’m welcoming the accusatory lies of hell into my life every day. 

In closing, I have to make a conscience effort to trust in the repentance process bought for me by Jesus.  Anything else is another gospel and will only lead me to additional bondage.  Be warned though!  These truths may very well enrage "high-horse Christians" who think their good deeds outrank you in the eyes of God.  Too, pastors who thrive on controlling their flock with guilt and shame are playing a game that church-based religion has played for centuries (they're attempting to get rich and control the masses).  True Christianity asks for holiness that can only be achieved through the atonement / propitiation of Jesus Christ.  Not by JR, and certainly not by your local religious church social club.  King David was not a man after God's own heart because of his behavior.  He was a documented adulterer, liar, and murderer.  No, God favored David because of his deep-seated love for his Heavenly Father.  David placed all of his faith-founded-hope in God's goodness alone.  And this was well before Jesus ushered us New Testament Christians into the season of grace we live in today.  God favors those who trust in him via the faith he imbues within.  Don't allow sin to come between you and God.  Sin is forgotten by God the second it is repented of.  End of story…  There is no other conversation to be had after that.  Grace and freedom are the mindset of heaven.  Accept it as the foundation of your daily walk and watch your world open up and the warm sun start shining down on your life.  Praise be to God the Father of all those that believe in his son Jesus and the freedom that was bought for us on the cross of Calvary.

Recommended Reading - What A Timely Reminder Here At The Outset of 2024!

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