"A Calm & Quiet Tension" - JR Everhart

It just never goes away.  It’s always there sleeping.  I can feel it breathing inside me.  It seems as if no matter how much healing and personal growth I experience, it’s still there.  It’s patient and quiet, never rushing in.  Instead, it just waits for the right moment and then plays to any number of my arousal templates.  It’s never made me do anything that didn’t already live in me somewhere.  It only presents opportunity to fail.  Its power is in manipulation and based on lies that only bring death and decay.  That’s why it’s so hard to fight.  I can’t blame it for anything because I am the one choosing to step over the line.  But it never misses an opportunity to remind me of my poor choices.  That is the vehicle these things travel in throughout my mind.  It constantly reminds me of my past failures seemingly eroding my self-confidence.  Not once has it ever allowed me to enjoy any true victory because it’s always telling me I’m still not enough.  This makes it next to impossible to ever truly find satisfaction in anything. 

Nonetheless, I march on - day in and day out - via my faith in Christ's work on the Cross of Calvary, and I do this because there is no faith in me except my own evil desires.  I am broken beyond repair in so many ways.  I’m not saying Jesus hasn’t healed many layers of my dysfunctional life, because he has.  I have some satisfaction in this world in this regard, but it pales in comparison to where I'd like to be.  Heaven calls out for me and on days like today, I feel the distance between my forward-looking heavenly home and this world of death and decay.  I will never be free of this fallen nature until the day I meet my Savior, Jesus, face to face.  Resisting this world is exhausting even whilst leaning into the warm comfort of a loving Savior.  I have as much victory as any believer can hope for, but growing in wisdom only reveals just how little that victory truly is, considering the war against one’s selfish desires.  No matter how far I travel on this road to recovery, I’m still just one decision away from the ditch.  This knowledge does bring more sorrow to the wise and struggle to the addict.  The moment you realize that your flesh didn’t get actually get saved and will always fight against you - to some degree - is the moment the real battles begin.  There is no magic incantation that fixes everything.  No holy remedy that makes all your struggles go away.  There is only faith in the promises of Jesus being entirely enough for the repentant sinner.  Outside of that, there is no hope for any of us.  It’s just another form of control rooted within (y)our own pride, candy coated with self-sufficiency.  But deep down, the fallen nature is still driving.  

The only confidence I have is in knowing I’m redeemed through Jesus.  I’m enough because he is enough.  The rest of life is just about not focusing on the lies and failures that make up our lives.  One purpose of this fallen nature is to keep us humble, walking close to God.  But that road can be full of stumbles and failure as well. 

Thank you, Jesus for doing for me that which I cannot do for myself.  I trust you with all my soul and recognize that the only good found in me comes from you residing within me.  The rest is evil that hides in the dark corners of my fallen nature.  God help me as I navigate through the dark carnival of my fallen nature.  Help me to stay focused on you and quick to repent when I find myself lost in the forest of my flesh.  My only hope is in you and your grace toward my failures.  Grow me Lord, and comfort me along this road of insecurity.  Restore my soul and realign my field of vision toward your love for me.  Strengthen me when I am lost, lamenting the horror of this world, and re-establish me in my walk of faith.  Ignite faith inside my doubts and create a slow burn of holiness in my life that no trial can extinguish.  Plant trees of life where there is no life within me whilst shining your love into the dark corners of my brokenness.  Remind me of the foundational victory that is the pillar my world is built upon.  Open my eyes to your understanding and rescue me from my pride.  Cover me with your wings of acceptance and protect me from the winds of whispering lies that try to steer me back to the faceless darkness that is my fleshly desires.  I belong to you Lord, I am not my own, and I’ve been purchased with a high, high price.  Mold me Lord and restore my soul.  Establish me so your glory can shine even through my failures.  Take what was meant for evil and use it for good.  Humble my pride and soften my heart.  Without you I am nothing.  I belong to you Lord, I belong to you.  In Jesus I believe, amen.