"Toxic Desires" - JR Everhart

I can remember thinking to myself, not long after coming out of my first divorce in my early 30’s, that if I could just find a woman that would fulfill all my lustful desires, I’d be happy and never struggle with porn again.  My advice in hindsight:  Be careful what you internally rationalize.  In the end, I wasn't successful in finding just one woman like that, I found dozens of women in that regard - all throughout my 30’s!

Let me explain. 

I was playing in a very successful rock band during those years (enough said), and as a result, had no issue finding women that would do anything I asked them to do, anywhere I ask them to do it.  It was a sexual dream come true!  As a result, whilst looking back, I ask of my younger self:  How could I not be 110% satisfied and free of any desire to be unfaithful or look at porn?  I’m not going to lie.  There was a ton of fun in it all for a season.  But when the dust settled, and I had climbed every sexual mountain top I could imagine, I was left empty and alone.  Complete satisfaction still seemed just one step away, but every time I’d take that additional step, I'd still feel as if didn’t no-holds-barred scratch the itch of desire for such a time as that.

Out of this grew my self-loathing in tandem with the dark carnival of chaos that was / is sexual addiction.  

In the end, nothing COMPLETELY satisfied! 

Outside of my sex life, I was becoming bitter and poisoning to be around.  When you treat yourself like a soulless animal that's only driven by your carnal nature, it turns you into a soulless animal.  You become instinctual and as a result, subconsciously drag everyone around you into the same pit of unhappiness that has now become your life.  I will never forget having my eyes opened to all this and how it took me even deeper into despair. 

Lust is never satisfied.  It’s a simple fact.  For it burns inside of a man’s heart at a thermal nuclear level.  The only thing that's ever quenched those flames within in my life has been the cool waters of God's Grace and mercy.  I realize now that no matter how much sex I have in my life, I will never be satisfied.  Based on my experience, once you come to terms with this, you can start unraveling the personal chaos and insanity that you find yourself within.  I had to learn to live - in the face of my flesh - constantly crying out for satisfaction whilst refusing to be triggered.  I’m still sorting through all that within my life but I’m miles ahead of where I was ten years ago when I started this uncomfortable journey.  It’s about progress, not perfection.  And I do have much measurable progress to rest within.  And I’m thankful for that even in the face of my failures.  

In closing, Jesus still invites me to sit and converse with him, and I’ve become settled to the fact that this wrestling against toxic desire is only temporary.  As such, thanks be to God, it is a suffering that's as close to hell as I will ever experience.  And for that I’m eternally thankful.  To God be all glory, honor, and praise!