My sexual fantasies as a young man revolved around hairy muscle hunks (white guys) with handsome mugs and sweet, thoughtful demeanors. No doubt, it was the latter attribute that contradicted and ultimately soured (typically) the illusion. 99% of muscle hunks (based on my experience) are by no means in that camp. Instead, there're stereotypically dudes who're lasered focused on their pagan selves and their ranking within the world of men. Copious amounts of mundane typically follows suit which often includes the decked-out ride (F-150 / 250), hot babes in orbit (real or fantasy) and a beer guzzling / tobacco chewing routine. All of which is primarily anchored in their testosterone fueled physiques and all the worldly respect they've obtained / are working to obtain therein.
Hence, decades ago, it was not too hard for Rob to release this ruse, based on real world observation. Overall, there was simply too much fake about my fantasy to arguably keep it alive. And this fantastical death was to my benefit.
-------------------------
Back during the spring of this year, I made a point to exchange numbers with one of the MTGA ("Make Thursdays Great Again") virtual Samson Society guys who'd mentioned (surprisingly to me during a breakout session) that he also struggled with unwanted same sex attraction. Shortly thereafter, he (I'll call him Doug) emailed me a beautifully written chronicling of his story (which he'd penned years prior). Yet, in spite of his generosity and the quality of his work, my readthrough simply didn't resonate except in a few standalone details. From there, I followed up by chatting with him over the phone, but I was still unsuccessful in finding much of any common ground.
Fast forward to the 2022 National Samson Society retreat a few weekends back. Doug was in attendance, and though he and I didn't talk much one-on-one (formalities notwithstanding), there was an hour - a very significant hour - of our retreat time that we spent together, up close and very personal.
-------------------------
Months in advance of the retreat, Mr. Nate Larkin had asked me to consider leading a workshop on unwanted same sex attraction. I agreed and titled it: "Mississippi Yearning..." or somesuch. Essentially, my plan was to relay my story to those who attended in a way that was hopefully creative and therefore engaging. Based on the feedback I indirectly received afterwards (by Nate himself & a few attendees), it was received as a successful endeavor. So much so, in fact, that the notion of me doing something similar in subsequent years was already being talked about. (Yikes.)
Doug stepped into my workshop just as I was kicking off my presentation, and he sat just a few feet from me on the front row. This gave me the opportunity to engage him "professionally" (as I attempted to do with everyone else in attendance) by making eye contact intermittently throughout the hour I lead. Afterwards, I was completely tapped out. The best word to describe it is overwhelmingly exhausted. And much of that was because the workshop exceeded my expectations in terms of the level of engagement.
Later that day (Saturday evening), I do remember chatting politely with Doug within the Prefunction space (outside the Large Meeting / Assembly room) along with numerous other Samson guys before turning in. Doug had brought his younger brother to the retreat (who also attends MTGA virtual meetings with us), and it was apparent that his focus therein (understandably so) was catering somewhat to his experience / needs.
-------------------------
Upon returning home, I worked to recoup. And that took a solid week - at a minimum - to finally recover emotionally. These events can't help but be draining, and I know a lot of it has to do with how visible I've allowed myself to become within that particular Samson Society community. But it's a necessary outcome for Rob that's well worth it relative to the fellowship, inspiration and opportunity to engage with Samson men from around the country.
Unexpectedly, one week post retreat, I remembered that I had a copy of Doug's narrative that I'd received back in April. It was a faint memory since it'd made such a tepid impression before.
What a marked difference my reading of his work had on me post retreat! It was essentially like night and day. I remember inching through the paragraphs and finding myself re-reading many of them (this is rare for me). What I was finding was a good portion of Doug's words were cutting into me as they rang true to portions of my history.
I then sent Doug the text message below:
I just went back & re-read the document (your story in your own words) you shared with me back in the spring of this year.
I did not or could not truly absorb this beautiful, honest work Doug back in April because you were just a Samson virtual guy in a box [Zoom]. Please know though that I did read it immediately following your willingness to share it, & [now I recognize that] it is such the insightful work.
I SEE YOU NOW. I SEE YOU NOW. I SEE YOU NOW. I SEE YOU NOW.
Having met you last weekend & especially having you sit on the freaking front row of the workshop I led, I SEE YOU NOW.
I have never experienced anything like this. I feel as if I've been let out of a locked trunk & am finally riding upfront with everybody else.
I SEE YOU NOW. Thanks so much for your friendship & for your patience with Rob.
I'm so fortunate that you made the effort to come to Eva last weekend. Otherwise, I'd still be in the trunk.
This truly is one of the weirdest Samson experiences of mine so far.
-------------------------
Besides my eyes being "de-scaled" relative to Doug's narrative piece, I need to also mention his physical presence and how that too has been brought into focus for me. You'll recall what I described early on within this post as my goto sexual fantasy man (from my youth).
That's Doug to a tee. Stem to stern.
In fact, he's almost an exaggeration of said fantasy man due to his build. Considering his personality, his demeanor is undeniable coy and humble in spite of his physical presence. All of which makes him that much more intriguing / noteworthy to Rob (both past and present).
In closing, I messaged Doug earlier this week, encouraging him to post (on the MTGA Slack channel) some videos of him performing praise / worship music. He replied sheepishly, despite the fact that he's served as a worship leader within evangelical congregations throughout many of his younger years. My prayer is that he'll come around eventually to this idea. For I've been told his musical skillset is vast.
Knowing Doug / engaging with Doug via Samson Society is validating. For he represents / dutifully reminds me of a private gift that was, in many ways, my salvation / hope throughout my teenage / young adult years.
Being as despondent as I was about so many portions of my adolescent life, I often found respite as a young person within a fantasy. A fantasy that all these years later has in its own way, righteously returned to me LIVE. And though I no longer need it as I once did, it's incredibly humbling to nurture this close friendship with Doug week after week. So close, in fact, that I can choose to communicate with him at the touch of a button. All of which would have been unfathomable when I was a young man.
This past Thursday, I was unusually absent from the MTGA virtual Samson Society meeting (I was attending a client holiday gathering with my dad out of town). My heart was warmed around 30 minutes into the meeting time when I received the following text message from Doug:
"Where you at?"
No comments:
Post a Comment