The Psychology of the Silent Treatment - The Atlantic
What are we to make of circumstances where men we're serving (as Silases) cease to communicate?
The gravity of this question is dependent on the amount of time / emotional energy invested in that relationship, prior to the communication disconnect.
-------------------------
Now, after typing that last sentence, I'm going to offer this somewhat contrarian experience in turn:
Years ago, I was working out at the YMCA when a fellow church member came through the door and proceeded to do the same. It's important to note that before his workout got underway, we acknowledged each other whilst locking eyes and smirking. +/-30 minutes later, he proceeded to approach me and asked why he felt "some negativity between he and I".
Keep in mind that the only interaction of any length that I'd had with this younger man was via one Samson Society meeting he attended at Lakeside Pres. Afterwards, I attempted to schedule a meet & greet over coffee but was unsuccessful. Hence, I backed off and sort of "returned to my side of the room" if you know what I mean.
Most men telegraph their opinion / viewpoint reflexively. I'm not like that. I learned as a boy how to emulate satisfaction / compliance without every truly having my heart in it. Call it a silent rebellion. In spite of that, there are times when empathic men (like the aforementioned church member) have the subtlety to sniff this out. Kudos to them.
Nonetheless, I was so taken aback by this guy's boldness there in the gym that I literally ran away screaming (inside). I didn't know what to do frankly. It was a brilliantly enlightening moment. And I've admired that dude ever since.
-------------------------
Now, back to more traditional situations. Situations involving friendships that have endured for at least one year.
In general, men expect other men to never whine / complain about communication details / protocols. That being frequency / mode, etc. I've found that there's sort of an unwritten rule regarding this. Nevertheless, it's important that you know the following: Your needs come first whilst participating in Samson Society, therefore if you're interested in "properly training" your Silee (regarding your needs), let him know where he can improve in this regard (well in advance of him having the opportunity to enact "The Silent Treatment"). Now, as you've probably picked up on here, I'm alluding to your relationship with your Silee being more than just a textbook one-way relationship. And I would argue that very few stay for long as textbook one-way relationships due to the commitment required and the subject matter discussed.
Sorry about me chasing that particular rabbit there, but I think it's important to punctuate the importance of open communication between a Silas / Silee, even when the subject matter is communication analysis based on effectiveness / needs. And again, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of staying grounded in the recognition of your personal needs as a Samson guy.
Now back to the original question posed.
What are we to make of circumstances where men we're serving (as Silases) cease to communicate?
Circumstantially, I've found that when this occurs, I often feel relieved but also sad. For it frees up resources to be utilized elsewhere. And I know that sounds cold. But you have to realize as a loner, I simply never have committed a heaping portion of my heart to anyone else. Even when it comes to Samson guys. Now, I have struggled with abandonment anxiety in the past, but I'm currently (by God's grace) over that terrible fear.
As followers of Christ, we're to have our primary relationship with our Savior via prayer, Bible study, and self-examination. You may roll your eyes at the notion of comparing that with Earthly relationships, but it's the truth. And it is an absolutely relevant fact.
Take death, for example. Comrades, many of which we love dearly, will someday die. Even those who're as close as brothers. Jesus has already died and risen from the grave on our behalf. He's with us 24/7/365 via the gift of the Holy Spirit's presence within our lives. This makes us Christians exceedingly fortunate in the relationship department.
-------------------------
So, what are we to do as Christians in response to relational silence?
Pray for that individual. Pray for the friendship. Thank God for what's come before. Reminiscence.
But do steer clear of nagging them or reacting to the silence with alarm. If you can trust God with your own heart / life, there's no reason to belief you can't trust him with someone else's. He's just as interested in their shit as he is your own, and as such, there are times when they're better off taking an extended break from you.
No comments:
Post a Comment