And of course, he'd set about mocking me amongst my peer group within settings I already felt uncomfortable within, and this amounted to the perfect emotional storm for me.
Jime was the epitome, for Rob, of Accuser, in human form at least.
We also had a neighbor whom chose to similarly give me hell on occasion, but this young man was closer to my age and not nearly as well respected amongst his peers. Therefore, his taunts never penetrated my heart as effectively as Jim's did.
All and all, Jim was athletic, Type A, handsome, and very articulate. Hence, he was well respected, if not feared by most everyone around him. All of this notoriety he used as collateral whilst eeking out what little value any of us lesser "mortals" had at our disposal.
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"LOOK AT HOW PATHETIC / WORTHLESS YOU TRULY ARE!"
And this leads me to Satan, who is the ultimate accuser, and his words as well as his point of view unfortunately, across the board, make a significant impact on men. I used that word worthlessness earlier in this post, and I must say, that's truly been Lucifer's main focus relative to this attacks on Rob throughout my life.
How best to resist this, besides the usual Scriptural overrides?
When I find myself standing within his line of fire, I try to be cognizant of why he may be so interested in my position as of late. But this is often tough to do due to the fact that his accusations are so incessant and amplified relative to my systematically mundane mid-life existence.
What's really frightening though about his work is how effective he is at mimicking both the timing and outlook of Jim, my aforementioned childhood accuser.
Let me explain.
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Jim's schemes wouldn't have held water had I not fallen in line with the norm in middle school. And I did so because I was an obedient child with no interest in rocking the boat. Also, I trusted the system (school), so to speak, to be the best way forward for me.
And this was key. Had I not believed enough in myself as well as my surroundings, none of his bullying would have impacted me as powerfully as they did. In other words, I wanted to become part of the system, allowing it to inhabit me and therefore spell out whatever identity I might glean from it. Having just stepped out of elementary school into middle school, I was keening interested in towing the line due to the fact that I believed I might find a bit of new self whilst doing so.
Fast forward to today.
God put sweet Angie into my life as an (the only) awesome wife candidate back when I was close to finishing up my final year of college. She'd been a friend up 'till that point, but our relationship had been long-distance due to her living in Houston, TX. As you know, we eventually married, and today, that's continued forward to become 23 years of life together, most of which have been spent with our three daughters (we waited almost 6 years to procreate).
There have been times whilst mouthing off during Samson Society meetings that I've exclaimed my fantastical musings of being a porn star in lieu of Christian husband, father, architect, investment advisor, etc., and there's some truth to that rebellious outburst. And believe it or not, I have no doubt that I'd likely be a successful gay porn star given the right opportunities, taking into consideration just how intensely demanding my flesh truly is.
Antithetical extremes, don't you think? Dedicated family man to gay porn star. Nevertheless, they serve as realistic boundaries (this day and age) on each end of my heart's "playing field".
Therefore, whom I typically find stationed on the sidelines relative to each of these identities, is my accuser persistently bombarding me with maleficence regarding the one I've so chosen - for such a time as this (today). This being the identity (dedicated family man) which happens to be firmly embedded within an Endzone that at times never feels quite correct. And this is especially true right now.
Why now?
I believe Satan's timing is linked to what he can see holistically that I cannot. Obviously, the devil is a supernatural being who's the ruler of this world - "Prince of the Power of the Air" - or somesuch according to Scripture. To be more specific, he's bound to be privy to how vulnerable my family situation is at this time, especially considering my oldest two daughters being teens (16 & 14). Not to mention how massively busy my wife's workload is as an CPA. I cite these examples in reference to my standing within our home as the patriarchal anchor. How much pain / discord / mistrust would ensue were that anchor to be removed or dislodged due to Rob doing / participating in stupid or worse, by wholeheartedly allowing my faith to topple in light of this demonic belittlement?
Do you catch my drift? But, oh Lord Jesus, how beat down by these accusations do I feel today!
Why does the more saccharine end of the playing field not feel correct - at times - for Rob? Again, it's all rooted in that god forsaken word - worthlessness.
It's frightening to be in the line of fire during this season. Thanks be to God for Samson Society and the community of men who speak accurately into this mid-life Christian man!
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