Monday, September 11, 2023
Sunday, September 10, 2023
Sympathizing With That Invisible Man (Let's Not Forget That Every Guy Isn't Necessarily Destined To Become A Samson Guy)
I have become a Samson guy through and through. How do I know this?
I desire to spread the Samson Society "Good News" to most every new friend I make.
Even if they're not foreseeably "qualified" (in crisis) to be involved within this community.
And that's a problem (relative to my friendship track record) because it proves I'm not being sensitive to my friend's needs / wiring. Instead, I'm behaving more like that pyramid-scheme zealot friend who's looking to make a quick buck.
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"Hi, I'm Rob, and I'm a freak. I actually lost my dream job as a campus architect (back in 2013) by breaking the institution's IT policy (looking at gay porn online / oversharing on my personal blog)."
Yikes. No thanks. There must be a better way to respectably making an intro relative to my story.
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I'm working to streamline my testimony sans mentioning some of those details.
Here it goes:
Invisibility has been a place (mindset) I learned to become comfortable within early on in life. Being a covert mistake (illegitimate child) forced my teenage parents to survive (monetarily, relationally, emotionally) relative to the burden of responsibility / demands my very existence placed on our (almost overnight) 3-person family.
I had to have instinctively (subconsciously) known too that our survival stats would increase if I cooperated (obediently stayed out of the way). Hence, as an outgrowth of that, I learned early on to inject humor into every feasible though often tense situation. As such, I naturally became that kid who submerged himself into all manner of fantasy in order to garner that much more creative inspiration therein whilst also seeking escape from a "long shot survival" familial setup.
All the while, my true feelings were locked away as I manifested my dramatic antics for most any audience available to me. And this was fun to do due to the fact that I garnered laughs / support therein (I was very humorous).
And then I hit puberty.
From there, my secret weapon (zany antics) became moot as teenage self-consciousness kicked in with a vengeance.
And this is when the glaring reality of my (up to that point) lifelong invisibility truly reared its head. As such, idol worship (in the form of lust) which targeted the seemingly "less invisible" (peers, teachers, pastors, and so forth), took root within my psyche at full throttle.
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At this point in my life (early middle school), I had drawn the conclusion that the gospel of Jesus Christ was anchored in the notion of the invisibles being seen. Accounted for. Pursued even.
Moreso than salvation (though it was a very close second), I wanted that kind of clarity with God. And in line with that, I desperately desired to be lead. Especially so from the standpoint of someone who I was visible to (inside and out).
But ultimately, it was me being cognizant of how survival instinct dependent I'd become relative to my idol worship that set me up beautifully to be lassoed in by the gospel.
And that's exactly what happened to me during the summer prior to my 7th grade year. Specifically at church camp. In Mount Lebanon, TX. Surrounded by close to one hundred other middle / high schoolers from First Baptist Church Jackson who were integrated amongst the throngs of other youth (groups) from all over Texas / the Deep South.
I vividly remember calling Darlene (my mom) from a pay phone, late into the night, post public profession of faith (walking the aisle) there at the camp. She replied with, "I thought you'd already done that!?!"
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Had I not been able to faithfully bank on Jesus' "intimate knowing of Rob" (visibility) throughout middle / high school, all of the loneliness - brought on as a result of both the inarguable invisibleness itself combined with it as a demoralizing identifier - would have been too hard to bear.
Yet, throughout, I was convinced his hand was consistently working on my behalf. Hence, it provided hope / optimism towards the future whilst helping me manage this tough season.
As a student, I was fair to middling, but what gave me an edge was my confidence as a vocalist / singing from the platform. Due to the fact that a sizable part of our (high school) youth ministry experience was tied to (Christian) choral music, I quickly found my place. Whilst looking back, I believe this was one sizable example of God's providence.
At age 15, I was adamant about owning my own car. My father insisted I get a job to partially fund said car / car insurance. The effort in finding a job was laughably minimal, and the rewards therein were off the charts. And though I worked an awful lot, it kept me busy / focused / taught me how to manage time well. Plus, whilst working alongside a diverse set of other teens, I quickly learned an awful lot from their choices (both good and not so good). This was not unlike, what I imagine, having a horde of siblings.
During my senior year of high school, I applied and gained entrance into architecture school. From there, music continued to provide a cushion as I also joined the MSU Maroon Band as a freshman. And though church wasn't a priority whilst living fall / spring in Starkville, MS, I met students who were deeply devout who thankfully too became reliable friends.
Now, my penchant / comfort-level for / with invisibleness ushered me into the most important relational decision of my life. Marriage. For my one and only girlfriend, Angie, too dealt with this same phenomenon, but in lieu of skillfully masking it behind self-deprecating humor / sarcasm, she simply allowed her inner situation to reflect outwardly. And oh, my goodness, was she ever that much more beautifully delicate because of it.
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It didn't take me long to fall in love with her. From there, I felt compelled to talk to my parents about my idol worship and how it was weighing me down morally / spiritually. For I'd never addressed that with anyone. I was so grateful that they pointed me towards therapy that was specific to my issue, and from there, I divulged to Angie.
Now, let me stop here and expound on who I was attempting to be at this time.
As an early 20s young man, I knew I'd matured into an adult and was ready for a steady job / marriage, but I also knew that I was continuing to attempt to manage the fallout from my invisible childhood / teen years in ways that were wreaking havoc on my soul (shame). Because this was a battle that I fought privately, I optimistically sought out opportunities (post marriage) to find support (mentorship / parachurch men's groups, Christian men's retreats, etc.) amongst Christian brothers.
Whilst doing so, what I found instead was only more situations which promoted me feeling invisible.
So, what did I do to cope?
I turned to humor / entertaining once more as I worked reflexively to deflect my true feelings in order to survive (plus, there were bills to pay, a marriage to support, career demands).
Unfortunately though, as a result, I eventually lost the ability to see any of my self. Instead, if I chose to look inwards, I only could see a void. Hence, in many ways, I became detached from my moorings due to the fact that I had no idea where I truly existed within the rank & file of men.
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When the Internet came on the scene, Angie and I had only been married for a few years. We were actively involved in church / a young married Sunday School class, and Angie was just beginning to emerge from a 2-year struggle with general anxiety disorder (thanks be to God for her wonderful therapist).
For me, the Internet immediately represented an opportunity to take my idol worship to new heights. As such, I knew not where else to turn but my sweet wife for help.
And she did until eventually, the availability of the Internet became ubiquitous. Being too hard to hide from, I succumbed habitually.
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At this point, I found myself in a technology-focused culture that I loathed due to how powerless / even more invisible it made me feel. I instinctively shunned involvement within mainstream tech trends (social media), but Internet porn had a vise grip on me that I simply could not loosen alone.
But then there was a significant turning point in the form of a friend.
My first truly authentic (vulnerable) Christian friend proved to me that relational accountability was far more potent than the allure of my "digital fix". This younger man came into my life in 2010. I was in my late 30s at the time, and he was four years younger. We both had small children, both loved Jesus, but were both in the aforementioned digital vice grip.
Up until early 2012, he and I were as close as brothers. As such, we met weekly, savoring every moment of our time together.
Later on that same year, I was presented with the opportunity to uproot my family and move to small town Mississippi in order to take an administrative position at a university. Naively, I believed I'd find friendship there as I'd just experienced back home.
When that didn't occur, the vise grip returned with a vengeance. In response, I cried out for help online (oversharing on my personal blog). Help didn't come. Instead, judgement and demonization were doled out unremittently via my now employer. There was nothing left of me after this occurred. At this point within my life, my feelings of invisibleness reached paralyzing new heights.
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As a result of this rejection / termination, I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This lasted +/-18 months with me having to endure flashbacks of my firing at least once daily. Our young family returned to the Jackson Metro immediately following my job loss, and from there, I began working for my parents (October of 2013).
I cannot begin to describe how blatantly unseen I felt at this point in time. As such, I fell into a deep depression which fostered suicidal thoughts. The emotional pain I was experiencing was suffocating me. As such, I simply wanted it to stop by any means possible.
After complaining about this to my sweet wife, she encouraged me to dialogue similarly with my dad. From there, he triangulated me into a relationship with a local renowned counselor, Mr. Don Waller.
This was August of 2014.
Unbeknownst to me, Don had been facilitating the first Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society group for close to one year. After meeting with him one-on-one, he encouraged me to attend the very next week.
That first Samson Society meeting was the hardest to walk into. There were 8-9 local men in attendance, each with various backgrounds / from different stages of life. Afterwards, and I'll likely never forget this, we attended a Mississippi Braves baseball game together. It was the most fun I'd had in close to one year.
What I discovered through the Samson Society was communal visibility unlike anything I'd experienced prior. Hence, I stuck with attending this weekly meeting combined with going to each and every after-meeting. From there, I attended my first localized Samson intensive during the summer of 2015. Additional intensives followed in 2016 and 2017. Not long after that, I even organized my own intensive for a handful of Samson guys to experience (February of 2018).
The National Samson Society retreat too became part of my pursuit to be seen. I began attending those annual events in 2018.
Throughout all of this, I watched as the local Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society expanded as Samson guys felt compelled to start their own groups throughout the Metro.
Surprisingly (to myself), I segued to virtual Samson meetings in late 2021, having met some of the virtual meeting facilitators via my attending of the National Retreats.
In closing, for Rob, ultimately, it's about being seen. Starting and maintaining this blog corresponds with that pursuit. As such, writing has been a huge part of my recovery.
To God be the glory, great things he hath done via Samson Society! I am truly zealous regarding this fantastic lifeline.
Saturday, September 9, 2023
Friday, September 8, 2023
"Still Peeling The Onion" - JR Everhart
I recently discovered the following trauma concept - when a parent is overly critical of their children, those children don’t necessarily grow towards hating them (& their critiques), instead, they tend to grow towards hating themselves. To take that a step further - when a parent doesn’t create a safe environment, instead promoting their own personal failures as some sort of positive learning experience, children become super confused.
Here's how this applies to me: I can remember countless times where I was made to feel unintelligent as a child by both my peers and my hyper-critical father. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was a screw up who was absolutely unable to get it together. Over time, this "negativity in its purest form" concretized into a foundation of shame. A foundation that all my compulsive behaviors would springboard off of for decades to come. Even today at 50-years-old, I struggle to not blame myself for everything that’s wrong within my life. It’s part of the tapestry of who I am and something I readily must recognize in order to live a well-adjusted life.
Nevertheless, that internalized, very frightened 12-year-old boy - inside of me - glaringly stares back each time I fail or screw something up.
Describing this feels silly to me, yet this is my experience.
The underdeveloped child's mind can give birth to toxic self-talk.
It's a fact that every child needs room to fail, giving themselves the opportunity to learn from such experiences. This, in lieu of beating ourselves to death over life’s inevitable stumbling blocks.
The only way out of this is by finding safe healthy connection(s) with others that understand our pain. From there, we must allow ourselves to feel and process those painful feelings of rejection in a healthy way (clinical mind approach versus an emotional one). How to do that? By absolutely knowing that I’m worthy to be known and loved, and that I need to protect myself from toxic self-talk.
Emotionally, this unhelpful self-talk is a rollercoaster that will bring one tremendous highs prior to devastating lows before leaving behind a migraine headache, if you choose to stay strapped into that seat for too long. And that ride too may very well distort your recollection of past arguments, potentially turning you into an eternal victim who blames the world for all their problems. In the end, you're going through the motions of life but not actually living life by "maturing" into a reactor to this world who's hyper-sensitive to everything around him versus a mature actor.
Know this: Residing (long-term) inside that emotional state of mind is a very dangerous place to be. To God by the glory! Rational (clinical) thinking will almost always reel us back into a healthy place of good decision making and harmony with our social environment.
Thursday, September 7, 2023
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