There are so many questions I have regarding this topic. As such, I've attempted to provide an overarching summation of them all within the title (question) of this post.
But firstly, I need to qualify my use of the word maturation. That word implies merited positivity, but I'm not necessarily making that assumption. I'm citing this word more from the standpoint of unmitigated growth or narrative. Growth / narrative that moves forward but not necessarily within a righteous / healthy capacity. The emphasis here is on the concept of forward.
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I'm a father to three daughters, therefore I've no firsthand experience with fathering a son whilst observing / taking note of how it might affect / impact me. That's my disclaimer before you read any further.
Here's an interesting question (to me at least):
Obviously, adolescence brought on by the onset of puberty brings the penchant for lustful fantasy within boys. If during that development, you as the boy's dad experience a reduction / newfound resolve not to (continue to?) nurture the same, is this somehow the result of your identity as the dad (older, more mature man) being amplified / distinguished - by association - in kind?
I do believe there are a lot of opportunities for fathers to find their footing / make better sense of their identities as grown ass men in contrast, but also in relation to, their sons, and this occurrence surely plays out via an offset, progressive narrative as both males take on their associative roles within the family.
And I'm really interested in knowing more about this phenomenon, yet everything I do know is speculative based on observation. Nonetheless, I feel so moved to imply some theories / relay some thoughts here.
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At my uncle's funeral earlier this week, I was pleased to see a younger cousin of mine (he's in his mid-40s) who has resided in Austin, TX throughout his adulthood. Benji is a richly successful businessman within the tech field. He gained a foothold within that industry (after finishing at Delta State University) thanks to a familial connection (his wife's family) to Michael Dell. In line with that, Benji is an extremely handsome guy with a megawatt smile (& charisma to match). He's also a family man with an adopted son and two biological daughters. Smart + good looking + ambitious + opportunistic has equated to worldly success for him.
Not surprisingly, even at the graveside service, Benji was nonchalantly gloating about his hectic professional life, peppering the formalities with talk of him needing to jet over to Europe for work before the Thanksgiving holiday. I asked a handful of questions during the few moments I had (having not seen him since 2010), some of which were clearly confusing. But that was only because they were tied to details he'd shared with me years ago (via a handful of email exchanges) that were no longer presently relevant (my remembered reality versus his present reality). And that's what got me thinking about his drive forward and what possibly has fueled that for he himself. It's important to note that Benji is the middle child of three sons, yet he's by far the only hyper-successful standout.
Similarly important to note is that Benji's (became deceased back in 2010) dad (an older brother of my father) was the antithesis of Benji relative to ambition. So where might have Benji's drive culminated from exactly?
Let's take a closer look at my cousin's relationship with his adopted son. For I believe therein may lie one of many distinct keys to understanding his distinctiveness.
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Within Year One of Benji's marriage (he married a lovely young woman from the Mississippi Delta soon after completing his undergrad work at DSU), he and his new wife hastily proceeded with an international adoption of a Russian boy (the child's exact age unknown). At that time, Benji's obligations at Dell Computer had him dutifully traveling worldwide for the majority of the year. For his meteoric rise up the corporate ladder, in spite of his youth, demanded this. Hence, the adopted son saw much less of his driven dad, as part of his newfound Texas upbringing, than he'd expected to.
Once the boy entered into middle / high school, he began experimenting with illegal drugs and fornicating. In time, three girls became pregnant prior to the young man being incarcerated within the Pacific Northwest.
Now, I know I've blazed through that boy's life with those few sentences, but my point is this: He became an unbridled rebel that in no way synchronized with his upstanding, materially wealthy, highly successful / established Texas family.
What few times I've dialogued with Benji about his relationship with his son, there's been nothing but bitterness and outrage towards the boy's "ungrateful moral assault" on Benji and his wife. To me, that particular attitude is simply posturing. For I know my cousin. He's a smart dude with a heart of gold. As such, I believe he both bit off far more than he could chew on one hand whilst refusing to do the necessary intensive parenting work (rooted in being present for the adopted boy) on the other. In other words, he chose his career over his very unique parental obligation.
Could the moral failings of his adopted son be serving to sink one side of an associative identity pendulum between these two men? A pendulum that, in opposition, elevates / propels my cousin, Benji, to perform / succeed at a ridiculously demanding pace? Is that even possible?
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Along the same lines (but by no means the same), I often wonder how the patriarchal shame my father experienced relative to impregnating my mother (his girlfriend), as an 18-year-old country boy, impacted his moral outlook going forward into adulthood. As far as I'm concerned, my father's entire identity is anchored in the notion of the prosperity gospel (well before anyone dubbed it as such). Hence, after making that big time sexual mistake (& seeing it come forth even, into this world, as Rob, Jr.), there would be no more slip ups in that regard or otherwise.
And I can vouch for that.
My dad has never made any time for lust. He's never made any time for cheating. He's never made any time for lying, and always, always attends church (& served as a deacon) on Sundays / Wednesdays. The man doesn't drink or smoke or hang with those who do. Now, he's by no means a saint, yet his appearance is consistently saintly, with no mention EVER of his teenage moral failings. Whitewashed veneer is he.
And then there was me, his son. Who eventually became an effeminate outcast as a young man who was quietly rejected (by him). An outcast who, without the very stable home life he was given, his overactive imagination, and the gospel of Jesus Christ, would have been at great risk for losing every bit of his emotional / spiritual footing in this world of woe.
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Now, let's change this up a bit before we close all this speculative thinking and hearsay out.
There's only been one occasion (that I distinctly remember) where I've heard a dad acknowledge his son's athletically built body in a way that felt sanctimonious. And not surprisingly, considering the context, this occurred in reference to the son's past decisions relative to (not) playing college sports (as if his athletic build had been put to waste). Decisions which the father regretted witnessing (likely because he'd have chosen differently had it been his choice to make).
I do recall being within the presence of family friends (both father & son present) who had sons who were respectfully acknowledged for their physical builds / athleticism, but these were super rare occasions that I simply stumbled upon. One in particular occurred after a varsity football game when I was a young teen. My grandfather and I had stopped by one of his fellow parishioners' homes, and during that short visit, I witnessed what I just described. The only reason I was there was due to me visiting my grandparents within the Mississippi Delta as a teenager, and man, witnessing this affirmative event became the highlight of my stay with them that weekend.
Here's how it played out: The unspoken yet respectful acknowledgement consisted of the athletically built teenage son presenting his semi-nude self post shower, in response to our visit (simply to say hello). From what I recall, my grandfather and I were dialoguing with the boy's parents in their small living room when he came in to speak. He was wearing shorts with no shirt, and his hair was still damp from his shower. If I remember correctly, he did have a towel flung over one shoulder. And all of these particulars made his greeting that much more dynamic as everyone, in turn, congratulated him on the "big win" (he was a player on the hometown varsity team) earlier in the evening.
And that episode, my friend, is what I'd like to segue from since it points directly to the beginning of this post. It may get a little weird from here on out, but I'm certain you'll not be surprised at that, considering the author of this post.
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Mr. Don Waller brought his college-age son along to the 2021 National Samson Society retreat a few weekends back. I didn't spend too much time with either of them, but one thing I did take note of was Don's associative role (as father) versus what I'm used to seeing of him within those settings.
And I've tried to think through that in reverse. Wondering how different an associative role truly is - as a dad - when your child is female. Of course, there wouldn't have been any appropriateness to Don bringing his daughter to the retreat, but for comparison's sake, what if he had? How might his associative role play been different - internally and otherwise?
The primary need that men have is respect, whereas the primary need women have is security. And I believe that manly need has a great deal of cross pollination capability / opportunity between father / son. And this is the key difference in rearing sons versus rearing daughters.
Sons are a male version of your DNA. There's no denying they're a next male generation of a portion of you. As such, I would argue, the efficiency / efficacy therein relative to this potential cross pollination (healthy or unhealthy) is noteworthy, if not undeniable. And that's pretty exciting stuff to acknowledge.
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In closing, I spent close to an hour listening to a (new to me) Samson guy's story on Saturday night during the 2021 National Samson Society retreat. He'd been referred to me, therefore in spite of my fatigue, I lent my ear. This man was extremely articulate, highlighting his story episodically with a multitude of remembered dates. Nonetheless, I simply wasn't all that absorbed in what he was disclosing, even with the calendared milestones that were there for reference. And it wasn't as if it wasn't an interesting, relatable tale. I just had other things on my mind.
Yet, he said something to me that took me aback. And that was this disclosure: he was grateful that he didn't end up (this man was a widower in his early 60s) with a son to rear due to his fear of sexualizing the boy.
And him sharing that reminded me of something someone said to Rob when my first two daughters (the third was yet to be born) were small. A colleague of mine (serving within a volunteer organization) relayed to me, off the cuff, that she was convinced that I was "better equipped" to father girls than boys. Hence, she was glad to see me given that opportunity.
What the fuck?!? (This was my internal reaction then.)
What the fuck?!?
Maybe someone had said something similar to this Samson dude.
