Shunned By The Bull Elephants

The familial devastation within the black community here in America is to be blamed on black men's unwillingness to lead as husbands, fathers, and from there, leaders within their community.  Therefore, it is the black females who are tasked with these roles which they're not equipped to carry out.  This perpetuates the cycle of impoverishment and marginalization within the black community - all across the US. 

The black family - as a definitive unit - is so devastated that it's broken the foundation of they themselves as a people group. 

Everything, everything, everything is rooted in the family.  If it's toxic and dysfunctional, generational toxicity and dysfunction will grow forth.  If it's healthy and functional, generational health and function will grow forth.

And this familial devastation within the black community here in America had a starting point.  Interestingly enough, it synced up with the passage of civil rights legislation.  Legislation which was good and needed.  Legislation which many, many fought and died for (of all races) back in the 1960s.  But, as this milestone federal legislation was implemented, the black family, for some reason, seemingly began to fall apart.  

Instead of further unity within their family units (post-Civil Rights Act), the reverse began to occur.  And today, it's a lost cause.  Unreturnable.  Through.  Finished.  Failed.  It's mind boggling.

And what's so weird to me about these facts is prominent, present-day black men, who garner massive influence culturally, cower away from facing / harping on this present truth.  As if it's not a truth at all.

Again, it's mind boggling.

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Elephants exist within herds.  Herds are basically family units for these giant beasts.  And these herds have a distinct hierarchy.  

As such, when young bull elephants are sans an older bull elephant to relate to within the herd, there are relational problems between both themselves and others within the group.  Specifically, the behavior of the younger males is far less helpful relative to their roles as bulls.  

If you introduce an older bull elephant to a herd where young bull elephants have been running amuck, over time, the young bulls will "mature forward" via the very presence of these wise, older bull elephants. 

It's how God intended these elephant herds to thrive.  Top down.  All thanks to older maleness leading the way.

And that really serves as an exact analogy to human beings as well as their families, which I love.

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My first architecture job (as an architect intern) out of college was with a sole proprietor architect here in Jackson.  He'd one very large telecommunications client, and fortunately for me (in hindsight), this client's balance sheet - overnight - took a devastating turn (with the introduction of a failed signature product) exactly one year into my tenure there.  As a result, I was soon to be laid off.  And that was hard because this was my first job, but from the standpoint of me being properly mentored by my boss, it was the very best thing that could have happened.

The low point relative to me working for this architect was the day he called me and an interior designer colleague of mine into our small conference room to discuss an ongoing interior renovation project (for a law firm a number of floors above us within the downtown mid-rise we were occupying).  The conversation soon turned accusatory (by our bossman), and then suddenly, he stood up in his chair, overcome with rage.  I responded by also standing, for I felt certain I was about to be physically assaulted.  My dear friend, the female interior designer, almost peed her pants at this point.  

I'll likely never forget his words that day as he glared at me.

"All you want is to take over my firm!  It's your name you wish to be on the door!"

I have no idea how me, as an unlicensed, early 20 year-old architect, was supposed to actually carry out this preposterous conspiracy, but nonetheless...as I said, that was the low point relative to my tenure there.

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I cannot even begin to count how many fantasy men I've either had gay sex with within my mind or observed having sex (with each other) throughout my lifetime (again, within my mind).  And I do / have done this in response to my pent up loneliness as a younger man.  For I can control the fantasy, bringing high quality, extraordinarily beautiful men into the fantasy.  And oh my goodness, the climax!  It's exhilarating.  

I do this to placate my pain, some of which has manifested itself from the seemingly endless rejections from older men, both personally and professionally.  

Now, let me share a more present situation.

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Working for my parents is wonderfully ideal (for me), in terms of the environment, but considering my setup holistically, there's no denying the heartache I experienced early - especially - on relative to somewhat forcefully (& quite jarringly) leaving my architecture career behind (almost eight years ago).

As professionals, all three of us here at the office are members of local / national trade organizations that promote our industry politically and otherwise.  And those orgs host local events which bring together membership for educational purpose, updates, etc.

Right from the start of working with Bob & Darlene, I jumped headlong into these events, and this provided the opportunity to rub shoulders with numerous other professionals working within our field throughout Mississippi, many of which were older than I.

Yesterday, I attended yet another all-day (semi-annual) meeting sponsored by one of these trade organizations, but due to conflicting circumstance, my parents weren't with me.  Hence, I dressed extra sharply (in light of representing them) and went alone.

The table I sat down at eventually half-filled up with other men, two of which were father / son (& in business together).  I had the privilege of sitting adjacent to the bull elephant (the father).  And keep in mind, I've known these two men tangentially (church) for much longer than I've worked with Bob and Darlene. 

To my dismay, this bull elephant refused to initiate any dialogue throughout the entire day.  Even during lunch / breaks.  I asked question after question, for I knew just enough about his previous vocation to inquire about even that.  Therefore, by the time I'd volleyed 12-15 interrogative sentences with no reciprocal questions sent forth, I gave up.  From there, we simply sat in silence awkwardly.

All this being said, I was keenly reminded of how warmly affectionate he is towards his son.  For I could see that firsthand yesterday as they seemed supremely comfortable there together, muttering small talk under their breath whilst passing handouts between each other throughout the event.  

I grew envious.  For I don't have that kind of relationship with my dad.

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My late father in-law lost much of his vision due to complications from macular degeneration just one year after Angie and I were married (25 years ago).  At the time, he was working downtown for a large bank, in anticipation of retiring a littler farther down the road, but driving himself to work suddenly became out of the question.  

I also worked downtown (very close), therefore I volunteered to be his chauffeur.  And we did this for close to one year - to (& sometime) and from work every day.  

I saw this as an opportunity for me to sit daily with a bull elephant (my new father in-law!) and be loved / supported there in my 1991 Mitsubishi Eclipse.

But it wasn't like that at all.

My father in-law never once spoke.  Instead, he stayed silent for the entire duration of the trip each and every day.  It was like ferrying around a mannequin or better yet, a corpse.  This was one of the most disappointing outcomes of my adult life.  For my father in-law was a respected, intelligent, extremely articulate, devout Christian man.

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Many men at times act like idiots.  It's simply the sad truth of this broken world we live within. 

Don't be one of these dumbasses.  Especially if you're fortunate to be a bull elephant at this stage of your life.

Recommended Reading - Desiring God Post

 Act Like Men of God: Six Marks of Uncommon Conduct | Desiring God

What's Your Risk Tolerance?

Just a few quarters after we mortgaged our abode (back in 2000), a 2-bedroom single family home was constructed directly across the street.  A newlywed couple soon mortgaged it, and we looked on with interest as their first years of marriage (& homeownership) unfolded before our eyes.  

And then one evening I took note of her stacking his clothes up in sizable piles in the garage.  

She'd left them on their hangers, and I wondered aloud as to why she was disrespecting his wardrobe as such.  It was shocking though also telling.

Angie and I both had noticed that she was now obviously living there alone, but we assumed her husband had been called away due to his vocation (physician) for an extended period of time.

Barbara (the young wife) was pregnant then with their first child, and we knew that she herself had been reared in a broken home by divorced parents.  All of this, along with our own neighborly concern, hung heavily over our heads as we wondered what the future might hold for their family.

Eventually, the truth came out.  The young husband had been unfaithful, having chosen to commit adultery with the wife of another couple (whom they both were very friendly towards at the time), and this woman just happened to be considerably older than he was.

Once he came by to collect his clothing - at some unbeknownst hour to us, out of their garage, we never saw him living there with her again.  And eventually within the divorce proceedings, she was granted the house and all the remaining belongings therein.

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Angie has always had a rapid heartbeat.  She'd often times tell me about it beating wildly in her chest, so much so, in fact, that it would at times wake her up at night.  Apparently, unbeknownst to us, rapid heartbeat - as a chronic condition - can be an instigator of strokes.  I always chalked this cardiovascular condition to her general anxiety disorder, and perhaps they're linked in some way, but I'd no clue the condition itself could increase one's chances of stroke.  We learned this from her heart doctor (who she began to see post-stroke).

Speaking of stroke, particularly her stroke, Angie also took a devastating spill (fall) back in January '20 on our driveway whilst attempting to navigate a tight spot between my car and the driveway's perimeter hedge.  This fall resulted in her severely bruising her left arm - from her shoulder down to her wrist.  For she literally fell to the concrete on her arm with the full weight of her body behind it.

Her doctors discount the aforementioned fall having anything to do with her May 29, 2020 stroke, but none of those physicians treated her for that.  Hence, their understanding of the severity of her injury is conceptual at best.  Instead, she went to the chiropractor and had the appendage x-rayed there.  After determining that no bones were broken, she opted to tend to her internal bruising on her own.  Eventually, due to her arm being in a sling for so many weeks, her shoulder joint froze up.  Interestingly enough, she'd actually chosen to sleep on the couch the evening prior to waking up on (5/29) with stroke-like symptoms (numbness in her left foot).  She did so to sleep more comfortably, taking her left arm injuries into consideration.

Stroke patients are at risk for having additional strokes.  It's the nature of the neurological disease.  But will my wife experience another one someday, and if so, how severe might it be?

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When we moved to Cleveland, MS in the fall of 2012, we did not sell our abode at the Reservoir.  Instead, we were fortunate to be given the opportunity to lease it to a semi-retired couple who we'd known for many years.  When I was fired from my position at Delta State University in 2013, we immediately moved back to Jackson, returning our belongings to this home and settling back in.

Because our stint in the Mississippi Delta was so short, and we were afforded the opportunity to move back into our same 12-year old (now 13-year old) home, it seemed to our (then small) children (at least) almost as if we never really left.

Another couple from our church, Lakeside Presbyterian, had also moved away in order for the patriarch to take another position during that (almost exact) same time period.  And this couple was almost identical in age to Angie and I with also three small children.  The only difference was they sold their home here in Metro Jackson and mortgaged another within their new location (in AL).

Unfortunately though, he lost his job too (again, right about the time I was fired from mine), and they were then left with a home to sell in AL and nowhere to return to easily back here (which is where she at least wanted to be).

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The house across the street from us is occupied today by Barbara's mom; she rents it from her, and she will likely retire there.

Barbara's first child is now on the precipice of attending college, just as our first child is, therefore all that I described above that happened between her and her first husband (her daughter's father) occurred many moons ago.  Barbara's daughter also now has a younger brother whose biological father is her stepfather.  

To summarize, Barbara proceeded with a "take no prisoners" approach all those years ago to handling her first husband's infidelity, and both Angie and I believe that her divorced mother likely encouraged that mindset.    

This approach definitively removed any chances of her being cheated on by her first husband ever again.  Their divorce protected her from that occurrence repeating itself.  

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A major blow - both emotionally and monetarily - would occur to our clan if my sweet Angie were to die - of another stroke or otherwise.  Because of the latter descriptor, I've always had her insured via a life insurance policy.  But, that policy is not permanent.  In fact, it will term in 2023.  Therefore, at that time, she'll be sans life insurance unless we're able to acquire a replacement policy. 

Now, there are other options to that.  Such as converting her current policy to some form of permanent life insurance (generally a very costly solution).  And I've wondered about doing that.  In fact, I have her current inforce life policy annual statement on my desk at this very moment with all the necessary means of researching that further.  

But what I tend to return to - here recently - is what I wrote about early on.  That being her fall and all the physical suffering she endured from that arm injury somehow serving as a catalyst (perhaps coupled with the rapid heartbeat condition) for her stroke.  

Therefore, I'm much more willing to risk something similar happening again (& therefore making her uninsureable), knowing what I know about her health / physical issues from farther back into the past (pre-stroke).  Especially considering the now medications she's on as well as how closely she's watching her weight, tending to her diet, and exercising regularly.

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So what of our Presbyterian colleagues who found themselves within a bit of a residential quagmire immediately following the loss of the patriarch's new job?

Their financial situation grew complex quickly, and as a result, the ramifications of those complexities made a lasting impression - but especially on the matriarch.

At the present, the patriarch is living on the east coast (with the remainder of the family living in Metro Jackson), working in the same industry as he always has (for as long as we've known them), all alone.  And this asinine setup wasn't the first time they put this stupidity into play.  He also worked almost as far south as the Mississippi Gulf Coast, again completely separated from his wife and three beautiful children throughout the work week.  And two of those beautiful children are twin boys who're now teenagers.

Keep in mind that his position within these companies wasn't as owner nor potential owner (Key Man) but employee.

Why settle for such a safe yet dysfunctional setup?

To avoid the risk of going through similar pain and suffering again.

That's what it all boils down to.

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Many of you know that I'm a Registered Representative and Investment Advisor Representative.  As such, I work with people who're interested in making money while they sleep (securities).  Yet, to do this, I must firstly assess their specific risk tolerance.  And I do this by asking good questions, many of which are framed as hypotheticals / scenarios.

Life is not like that, yet there's no doubt that we are very much influenced by a plethora of both internal and external factors that serve to guide us relative to taking risks.

As Christians, considering certain circumstances, I would assume we're much less risk averse than your average bear.

But in certain instances, based on what I've witnessed, this is definitely not the case.

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