You have to admit that the vast majority of men who're involved in Samson Society are (like myself) perverts, sexual deviants, etc. We're men who gravitate towards lust by default. As such, our sexuality is often warped (beyond complete repair?) which drives us towards isolation / an isolated state more often than not.
Now, I must interject here that not all Samson men fall into the pervert category. There are those here who are just as committed to this community but have zero issues with sexual sin. But, they're few and far between. Nonetheless, we care for them too in no less regard. As such, our diversity is no doubt a big part of our strength. Samson Society is about as horizontal a collective of high-quality Christian men as I've ever witnessed.
-------------------------
All of my closest friends over the past 13-14 years have been perverts, and I celebrate this good fortune. For these were men who truly cared for Rob, and the vast majority of these friendships sprang from / were gifted (reciprocally) because of the transparency I offered pertaining to my own recovery. Taking my tenure within Samson Society into account, most of these men have been Samson guys which is not at all surprising.
As an aside, there've been times, depending on the age of my friend(s), complications would arise, in part due to their longing for me to take on a more mentoring / mentorship role. A lot of (younger) perverts default towards a desire for a mentor-like friend within this community. A sage, if you will, that might provide them with some needed "guiding light". This is understandable though somewhat frustrating to live out.
In spite of my pleas to NOT BE categorized as such, oftentimes it clandestinely occurred. From there, eventually, relational implosion would occur once their expectations for Rob's well-tempered "sageness" was not met. As a result, platonic ashes sometimes were all that remained. Sadly, I've witnessed this a handful of times. To the point that it's difficult to not be a little gun shy.
-------------------------
My life truly has been blessed over the past year due to a non-pervert I befriended through our church, Lakeside Pres. This younger man (he's in his early 40s) was visiting with his family at the time when we first met. Circumstances being what they were, he and I had some concentrated time together throughout First Contact (Day One). Enough time for me to interrogate (a skillset I honed here within Samson Society) before eventually inviting him and his brood over for lunch.
Physical appearance / presence is impossible to not consider as a complement to a man's value / worth. You may think me shallow for saying that, but God didn't give us eyeballs for nothing. And though you may never admit to it, you're no different (unless you're blind) as an adjudicator of another man.
When I was really young, I was fascinated with vampires. As such, whenever I'd see a man that exuded that killer-in-waiting presence, I would take notice. And this was especially true if I was at First Baptist Church Jackson where the architecture was distinctly gothic (dark, masculine & foreboding). I'd on occasion find myself presupposing that even vampires sometimes attended church.
If there were such things as thick bearded, lumberjack-built vampires (olive skin and jet-black hair), my non-perv friend might just qualify. The only opposing traits withstanding would be his distinct southern drawl (could vamps exists here in humble Mississippi?). In essence, he's by far the most intimidating (in appearance) man I've ever befriended, although I believe a lot of that threatening presence is nothing more than armor. Armor that's attempting to shroud an overall shy, very caring spirit / demeanor.
-------------------------
To my delight, I confirmed recently that my non-perv friend essentially serves as a Silas, instinctively, to his handful of close friends. I met a much more tenured friend of his a few weekends back and was not at all surprised to hear of his allegiance to call this younger man daily. Just as if he were part of his family.
This same type of communique protocol has long since been established between the two of us. The only difference being we're doing so via a combo of text message / telephone calls. Having now experienced this outside of Samson Society, I have to admit, it feels much less pressured (to say "the right" thing / always respond helpfully).
Outdoor activities involving both of our families are already planned for early summer, and I'm anticipating those establishing a trend throughout the warmer half of '24.
Very soon I'm going to delve into (with him) why this community is so important to Rob (keep reading), and I'm going to do so specifically by explaining how strategically kneecapping it is in regard to my penchant towards sexual fantasy.
Why do this?
As a segue to inquire as to his own relationship (if any) with Internet porn.
I feel it's long past time for him to open up to me in this regard.
-------------------------
Early last week, I stayed the evening with a Samson brother and his wife in AR. Being there with them was fantastic from the standpoint of strengthening our friendship, but on a personal level, to be there with them for a full day & night, gave credence ("put skin on") to his story. And it's the brevity of his story (which isn't at all similar to my own) that's most beneficial to me regarding my own recovery.
Specifically, this very emotionally tactile experience served to directly assault my brain's penchant for self-focused, immature, compulsively patterned thinking that more often than not points me back towards petty sexualizing / sexualization. And the only heavy lifting involved regarding this "weapons re-load" is simply being (literally) present.
Sunday (yesterday) afternoon, a Samson brother came to my abode to assist me with some mechanical repairs to one of our vehicles. It had been years since he'd frequented our home, and to my delight, he brought two of his three beautiful children with him. Seeing him there and knowing specifically why he brought his elementary-age offspring, resonated with me deeply. It was not unlike being privy to a secret language that only existed between the two of us. A language built on years and years of friendship and all the ups & downs therein. For again, I know this man's wiring like the back of my hand. And being with him there, was like re-reading a classic tome at warp speed whilst knowing exactly how the story ends.
I've taken so much that's truly beneficial into today, Monday, as a result of my time together with him yesterday, (5/19).
-------------------------
Surface conversations are not unlike ultra processed foods. They're easy to ingest but so very (ultimately) unsatisfying. My non-pervert friend and I have lots of these as we keep tabs on each other's lives. And this is all well and good. But it doesn't get at the heart of why I desire him so strongly as my friend. For I know there's complexity in there that's yet to exposed.
My new, incredibly thoughtful non-pervert friend has a dick and balls. He also has a brain and eyeballs. I'm ready to receive what his journey's (taking his last thirty years into consideration) looked like whilst being saddled with these same "parts" as Rob has. That collaborative compare / contrast cannot occur, on any level, 'till we exchange that knowledge (mostly from him at this point) deliberately.
Ultimately, I want to interrogate this from him at an appropriate time, within a setting that's low key and relaxed. And ideally, at a juncture that speaks to both of us historically. A juncture that specifically pertains to times past spent laying the platonic groundwork (scheduled activities) that our tight friendship is now so wonderfully built upon.
If I can obtain this from him, I know I will gain that much more weaponry within my internal battle against my own perverse thinking. And if I'm extra fortunate, our friendship will deepen that much further in light of him being given permission to open up about topics that are integral to every man's story - whether they're a pervert or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment